Chapter Thirteen
Marin came to the campus on Tuesday afternoons for office hours. Her schedule this semester was sporadic and poorly spaced, but she hoped to plan things better next year, and in the meantime, it did allow her to be home more often with Ember.
Footsteps approached Marin’s office, and she looked up in anticipation, but the student kept walking right past her door.
So far, not many students had come to see her during office hours, which was disappointing.
It gave her mind too much time to wander, and her thoughts were a dangerous place these days.
If she wasn’t obsessing about Charlotte, she was spiraling about her upcoming date with Laura.
She spent a half hour responding to emails before a hesitant knock made her look up from her laptop.
Brianna from the Pride Coalition stood in the doorway, which was a surprise, but Marin made sure that didn’t show on her face.
While office hours were primarily for students from her classes, she’d extended an open invitation to the members of the Pride Coalition.
Since that first meeting, Marin had been making an extra effort with Brianna, often saying hi after meetings. The girl never said much, but Marin kept trying. Her gut said Brianna needed someone to talk to, and now it seemed her gut had been correct.
“Brianna,” she said with a smile. “It’s nice to see you.”
Brianna shifted uncomfortably in the doorway. “Hi, Professor Easterly. I hope it’s okay that I’m here?”
“Of course. Come on in and have a seat. Close the door if you’d like, totally up to you.” Usually Marin preferred to keep it open, but it seemed prudent to offer Brianna the option of privacy if she’d come to discuss something personal.
Brianna closed the door, then stood there, twisting her hands in front of herself. She looked like she might bolt at the slightest provocation.
“Can you believe we’re expecting more snow tomorrow?” Marin said, hoping to help put her at ease with a neutral topic. “I don’t know about you, but I’m ready for spring.”
“Yeah. I, um, I like skiing, but I’m ready for warm weather. Vermont winters can get really long.” Brianna came forward hesitantly and sat in one of the guest chairs.
“Did you grow up here?”
“No, I’m from Connecticut. We get snow there, too, but not as much as Vermont.”
“I’m from Manhattan,” Marin said. “It’s the same there . . . plenty of snow, but not nearly as much as we get here.”
Brianna looked down at her lap. She was shaking, Marin noticed, and her stomach tightened in anticipation of whatever the girl was here to tell her.
“Take your time,” Marin told her gently. “Whatever’s on your mind, I promise to be a judgment-free listener, and I’ll do my best to help.”
“You mentioned that you’d come out recently?” Brianna looked up at her with wide, fearful eyes. “I was wondering if you have any advice? Because I . . . I need to do that. I need to tell my parents I’m gay, and I’m so scared.”
Marin inhaled. Oh wow. This was a big deal.
She hadn’t anticipated providing this kind of guidance quite so soon.
“It’s a big step. To be honest, I’m still in the process of coming out to my family.
” Marin wasn’t sure how much to share with a student, but Brianna still seemed skittish.
More than that, she looked terrified, so maybe a little honesty from Marin would help.
“I’m planning to come out to my brother this weekend, and I’m scared too. ”
Brianna leaned forward in her seat. “Really?”
“I imagine coming out is always scary,” Marin said. “Do you have any idea how your parents will react?”
“I think they’ll be upset.” Brianna’s voice lowered almost to a whisper, and her shoulders slumped as she seemed to fold inward.
“I’m sorry.” Marin’s heart went out to this vulnerable young woman who might be about to lose the love and support of her parents.
Brianna made a quiet sound of distress. “I’m really dreading it.”
“That’s very understandable, but remember, there’s no rush. You should do this on your own terms and in your own time.”
Brianna’s hands clenched into fists in her lap. “It seems like everyone else at the Pride Coalition is already out. They’re all so . . . authentic, you know? So sure of who they are. They aren’t afraid.”
“Oh goodness.” Marin shook her head. “I guarantee you some of them are just as scared as you are. The Pride Coalition is a safe place, right? Just because you see people feeling comfortable with themselves in those meetings doesn’t mean that’s how they act all the time.”
Brianna’s brow furrowed. “But . . .”
“Is someone pressuring you to come out before you’re ready?”
“No.” She frowned. “Well, I did hear someone at a meeting say that you’re living fraudulently until you’re out as your authentic self.”
Marin straightened in her chair. “That’s just not true.
No one can decide when the right time is except you, and it’s important to keep your mental and physical well-being in mind as you make that decision.
Would coming out now endanger you when you return to your parents’ house this summer?
Might your parents stop paying your college tuition?
On the flip side, do you feel like it’s having a negative effect on your mental health not coming out to them? ”
Brianna stared into space for a few seconds.
“I don’t think I’d be unsafe, but they’ll probably be upset.
They might try to convince me to leave this school, if they think it’s putting radical ideas in my head, but they aren’t paying my tuition.
I’ve got loans, so they can’t make me leave.
I’m eighteen. They can’t make me do anything. ” Her jaw clenched.
Marin drew in a quiet breath. She desperately hoped she was giving good advice.
Being so newly out herself, she felt a bit out of her depth here, but she wanted to help Brianna so badly.
If nothing else, she understood Brianna’s fear on a soul-deep level.
She also knew better than most how beneficial it could be to wait.
“I guess my next question is,” Marin said, “Do you see a benefit to telling your parents now versus waiting until after you’ve graduated and are living on your own?
That way, you’d be less dependent on them in case it doesn’t go well.
And remember, I’m not judging either way.
I’m just trying to help you consider your options. ”
“I don’t know. Telling them might make me feel better at first, but it might end up being worse if they react badly.
I just . . .” Tears ran down her cheeks, and her bottom lip shook.
“I do feel like a fraud sometimes. I go to the Pride Coalition meetings, but otherwise, I hide in the closet. I’m not out to anyone, except you, I guess.
I play it safe. I’m straight passing, you know?
I’m not as brave as those students who walk around campus being visibly queer. ”
“I’m honored you felt comfortable coming out to me, but I have to disagree with you about one thing, Brianna.
You are brave. Choosing to make the right decision for yourself is honestly the bravest thing you can do.
It’s better than letting someone you barely know convince you that you need to come out before you’re ready. ”
Brianna shook her head, more tears falling. “It doesn’t feel brave.”
“Trust me, it is,” Marin said firmly. “I recently came out to a friend for the first time, and it was a big deal. A huge deal.”
“Was she supportive?” Brianna asked hesitantly.
“Yes, she was, and it made me so glad I’d waited for the right time and the right person.”
“I . . . I think my best friend would be supportive too.”
“Maybe that’s a good first step for you,” Marin suggested. “Maybe start by telling your friend, if you think they would be supportive and if that feels right to you.”
Brianna sat up straighter, hope blooming on her face for the first time since she’d entered Marin’s office. “Yeah, I think she would be. Maybe . . . maybe I’ll tell her first.”
“That sounds like a good option,” Marin told her with an encouraging smile.
“But remember, not telling anyone is perfectly valid too. I waited a very long time before I came out to anyone. That was the right decision for me, and I don’t regret it.
The only one who can make your decision is you. Got it?”
“Yeah.” Brianna wiped the tears from her face, looking calmer now. “Thanks. I wasn’t sure whether to come or not. I know you said we could stop by your office for advice, but . . .”
“I meant it, and I’m really glad you stopped by.”
“I’m glad too,” Brianna said quietly. “This really helped. I had convinced myself that if I didn’t come out to my parents right now, I was being inauthentic and a coward, but what you said makes a lot of sense.”
“I’m glad. Come back and see me again, okay? My door is always open. You might also consider visiting the campus counseling center. Regular counseling can be a big help with working through something like this.”
“I’ll think about it. Thanks.” Brianna stood, gave Marin a shy wave, and left her office, looking more confident than she had when she entered it.
Marin watched her go, feeling cautiously proud of herself. This was one of the reasons she’d wanted to become a professor. She wanted to help guide young people, and while she’d envisioned helping them with statistics, in the long run, guidance on coming out might be even more important.
As the baby of her family and then someone who’d been in the closet for so long, Marin hadn’t had many opportunities in her life to give advice or be a mentor. It felt good. Really good. Hopefully, she’d have more opportunities like this here at NU.
Marin was a big believer in doing things at your own pace, and while she couldn’t regret the long and winding journey that had led her to Vermont, right now, it felt like an eternity to wait two more days until her date with Charlotte.
Marin’s mind stuttered. Laura. Two more days until her date with Laura.