Chapter Nineteen
The lasagna was delicious, although Marin could hardly focus on eating it, she was so distracted by Charlotte sitting on the stool beside her.
Charlotte, on the other hand, seemed extremely focused on her lasagna, and Marin suspected she was using it as a distraction while she processed what had happened between them.
Marin was content to give her all the time she needed, as long as Charlotte didn’t shut her out like she’d done after their first kiss.
Marin could handle anything but that. “It was lucky that Audrey and Michelle dropped this lasagna off, or I might have been eating oatmeal for dinner. I’m not sure I have much else in the pantry at this point. ”
“I’m glad you’ve made friends here,” Charlotte said, darting a glance at her.
“It’s been wonderful getting to know a sapphic couple. I’ve always wanted more queer friends.” Marin meant every word, but she was also trying to get some conversation going.
“And fellow academics,” Charlotte said.
“Yes, definitely. Maybe I can introduce you sometime.”
“Maybe.” Charlotte gave her a tentative smile, then looked at her plate, brow furrowed.
“I worry, Marin. You’ve been on this path for so long.
You’ve worked so hard to get here. You’ve really embraced your identity as a lesbian, and you’re ready for a real relationship with a woman, and I’m just . . . none of those things.”
“None of what things?” Marin asked, trying to keep her anxiety at bay. This was the conversation they needed to have, after all.
“I’m not out. I’m not comfortable in my identity. I don’t even know what my identity is at this point.” She sighed. “And I’m generally terrible at relationships. I told you before that I’d just been through a bad breakup, but I didn’t tell you how messy it was.”
“No, I guess you didn’t.” Marin reached out and touched her hand. Sitting side by side on stools in her kitchen made this easier than if they’d been seated across from each other at a table.
Charlotte flipped her hand to grip Marin’s fingers.
“Darren was my college boyfriend. He had wanted me to follow him to DC for his new job after we graduated, but I wasn’t ready for that kind of commitment yet, so I broke up with him, but I always wondered ‘What if?’ You know?
I thought he was the one that got away, so one of my misguided attempts to find purpose after I thought I’d watched you die was to track him down and give things another chance. ”
Marin kept her hand in Charlotte’s, not wanting to interrupt her story.
“It was great at first. We fell right back into each other’s arms like no time had passed.
I left the real estate firm I was working for in Manhattan and took a position in DC.
Darren is a congressional aide, and he’s doing some interesting work, really trying to make change.
I thought, this is it. This is what I’ve been looking for. Darren might be the one.”
Charlotte’s eyes were glossy now. Marin scooted her stool closer so she could press her shoulder against Charlotte’s, offering support. It thrilled her that she could touch Charlotte more freely now, that she didn’t have to worry about these touches being misinterpreted.
“We were madly in love for a little while, but there were warning signs from the start,” Charlotte continued.
“He put his job before me, before everything. Aside from our chemistry, we had very little in common. It didn’t take long before we were fighting again, just like we did in college.
We sniped at each other constantly. It was just . . . a train wreck.”
“I’m sorry,” Marin murmured.
Charlotte sighed, her eyes downcast. “I uprooted my whole life for him, gave up my job and my apartment in New York. I’d been so obsessed with finding meaning in my life, and instead I got myself into this relationship where I was miserable all the time, and I realized I’d gone after the wrong thing again. It was so demoralizing.”
“How did you end things?”
“He went out of town on business, and I just packed my stuff and moved out. I left him a note, which is so pathetic of me, I know. I just cleared out of his apartment. I had no idea where I was going, but I’d been thinking about my mom a lot, and my dad had been asking me to visit, so I drove straight from DC to Vermont, and here I am. ”
Marin wasn’t sure what to think of that.
Moving out of someone’s apartment without saying a proper goodbye seemed kind of harsh, even if the relationship hadn’t been great.
But she’d already noticed Charlotte had a tendency to run from difficult conversations.
Hopefully, it was something they could work on together.
“How long ago was this?” Marin asked.
“September.”
“And I arrived in January.”
“And turned my life upside down in an entirely different way.” Charlotte gave her a shaky but sweet smile. “After I left Darren, I decided to take a break from dating. I put my focus on figuring out what happened to my mom and trying to reconnect with my dad, no distractions.”
“I respect that,” Marin said, and she did, although it hurt to think her relationship with Charlotte might be over before it had begun.
Charlotte blew out a breath. “I’m not saying I don’t want to be with you.”
“No?” Marin tried not to let her insecurity show.
“I didn’t want to date, and like I said, I have a terrible track record with relationships, but I can’t seem to ignore my feelings for you.
I’m not ready to come out. I’m not even sure if I’m ready to take things beyond kissing yet.
Would . . . would it be enough for you if we take it slow?
Just let me try to sort myself out before we put a label on anything? ”
“I can go as slow as you need,” Marin told her. “There’s no rush, as long as you see yourself dating me publicly at some point. Eventually, I do want a partner who shares every facet of my life.”
“No rush, hmm?” Charlotte gave her a playful smile that faded abruptly.
“I was going to tease you about how desperate you were earlier, but Marin, I’m not sure any of this is fair to you.
I know how long you’ve waited, how serious you are about dating and finding a life partner.
I totally understand if you want to look for someone who can offer you that now, because I just don’t know how long it will take me to catch up to you. I’m sorry, but I don’t.”
Marin looked down at her half-eaten lasagna as she gathered her thoughts.
“It’s easy for the logical side of my brain to agree with you.
Statistically, I have a higher chance of success if I keep using the dating app, but if there’s one thing I’ve learned since I met you, it’s that statistics don’t apply where we’re concerned.
My heart wants what it wants, and that, my dear, is you. ”
Charlotte’s bottom lip quivered. “Your . . . your heart?”
“Yes.” Marin felt vulnerable for the admission, but she wouldn’t apologize for it.
“It’s not a declaration of love, at least not yet, but you can consider it a declaration of intent.
I like you a lot. I’m ridiculously attracted to you and have been since the moment I first laid eyes on you on that bus. ”
Charlotte’s eyes went wide.
“Yes, from the moment we met,” Marin told her. “I was so distracted by you . . . and the horoscope you read me. When I was crossing the street, I looked back at the bus, hoping for one last glance.”
“I saw you look back. I was watching you too. God.” Charlotte’s eyes filled with tears.
“I spent two years thinking about you,” Marin admitted quietly.
“When we reconnected here in Vermont, I thought you were straight, and I was thrilled for the chance at friendship. I thought I could move past my attraction, and I probably would have. I’m very good at keeping my feelings to myself.
” She shrugged. “But then you kissed me . . .”
Charlotte grinned, and then she was doing it again .
. . kissing Marin. They leaned toward each other on their kitchen stools.
Their lips met with just as much urgency as before, and Marin’s body awakened all over again, aching and yearning, a reminder that this was what she craved and that it was worth waiting for because this kind of magic .
. . who knew if she’d ever find it again?
“Statistically, our chemistry is off the charts,” she murmured against Charlotte’s lips, “and I can’t guarantee I’ll find this anywhere else.”
“I can’t disagree with that,” Charlotte responded breathlessly.
“So yes, I’m willing to go as slow as you need,” Marin told her. “If you just want to kiss and fool around until you’ve figured things out, I’ll wait for you.”
Charlotte rested a hand on Marin’s waist. “I don’t think I deserve you, but if you’re willing to wait for me, I promise I’ll work as hard as I can to figure my shit out sooner than later so we can be together for real.”
Marin nodded. She was certain Charlotte would be worth the risk . . . and the wait. “Then it sounds like we have a plan.”
“God, that’s good,” Marin practically moaned, and phew that sound did things to Charlotte. Marin was on the couch in a T-shirt and leggings while Charlotte gave her that massage she’d promised earlier, and the whole thing was sexier than Charlotte had anticipated.
She kneaded Marin’s right thigh through her leggings, trying not to become distracted by how close she was to other parts of Marin’s anatomy. It was awkward giving her a massage over her clothes, but they’d both thought undressing—even for a massage—was too much too soon.
“When did you first suspect?” Marin asked, making a little sound of pleasure as Charlotte’s fingers worked the tension from her muscles.
Charlotte looked up to find Marin watching her with surprising intensity. “That I’m not straight?”
“Yes. I want to know everything about your journey, or everything you feel comfortable sharing, at least.”