Chapter 13
Maria - 14 Years Old
FROM THE PRIVATE NOTES OF DR. ANNA MORRIS
I twisted my hands together as I stood a distance away, watching Jason go around his group of friends, slapping hands and doing that shoulder hug thing. He barely acknowledged me except for a slight chin lift when I arrived. It made me feel like shit. But he was probably too preoccupied with saying goodbye to his school friends before he had to leave.
Kel, Jason's best friend, met my gaze over Jason's shoulder and sent me a sly wink. I smiled prettily even though my insides repelled. I repressed a shudder as I recalled his sweaty hands on my body, stroking me intimately as Jason watched.
He swore that sharing me with his best friend would prove my love for him and bring us closer together. And for a brief time, it did. He couldn't get enough of me, even though it bothered me that all we did when we met up was have sex.
Lately, though, I couldn't help the panic that Jason was pulling away from me. He barely texted me anymore, and when we did meet up, Kel or one of his friends were always there with him.
I knew he had a lot on his mind. He was leaving for college, so he was busy finding a job, buying books, checking out his dorms, and hanging with his family and friends before he left for three years. It was a lot for him. And I was too needy of his time when he should be fixated on his future. One I hoped still included me.
I forced my worry aside as I remembered his promise that he'd send for me once he was settled. I’d finally confessed my age to Jason after we slept together, and, surprisingly, it didn't bother him. Still, I kept my relationship with him a secret, even from Lissa. I wasn't stupid. I knew that if people found out, it could get him into a lot of trouble. His friends didn't mind either and had no problem showing me. The attention felt nice, even if it made my skin crawl.
Jason clapped Kel on the back before strolling over to me with a confident smirk on his handsome face.
"Hey, baby."
Before I could reply, he grasped my ass and pulled me to him. His lips landed on mine in an overly aggressive kiss, his tongue forcing entry as his fingers dug painfully into my ass. Memories of the day I lost my virginity to him came crashing back. He hadn't been gentle or caring then, so I didn't expect him to start now.
"That's the way guys like it," he had told me.
Once he pulled away, I fought the urge to wipe my mouth. I gave him a wide smile as I patted his chest, lifting on my tip toes to nuzzle him. His strong aftershave tickled my nose.
"You'll call me when you get there, right?" I tried to keep my tone neutral so he didn't sense my desperation.
"Sure, babe." He bopped my nose like I was a first grader before whistling at his friends. "Yo, Kel! Give my girl a ride back."
My stomach fluttered when I heard him call me his girl. It helped assuage my panic at being anywhere near Kel and the rest of Jason's friends.
My breathing quickened when I sensed him behind me. The smell of his cologne always made me gag. My shoulders tensed as a heavy arm fell over them. "Sure thing, man."
With a last fist bump to his boys, I watched the guy I loved hop in his car and drive away.
"And what happened next?" Dr. Anna Morris crossed her legs as she scribbled a note on her giant pad.
I picked at an invisible spot on my jeans. Not for the first time, I wondered if it was a good idea to seek out therapy. I hated reliving my past.
"I never heard from Jason again." I took a deep breath as I debated telling the next part. It reeked of an immature, vindictive girl. When I finally told Lissa about Jason and what I almost did, she berated me for potentially ruining another guy's life.
"I - I threatened to go to the police about underage sex with him and his friends if he didn't contact me." My voice was small, and I refused to look up. "He got his friend, Kel, to pass on a message that he was done with me, and if I reported him, it'll be their word against mine."
The silence stretched, and when I glanced up, it was to find Dr. Anna watching me with soft eyes. "Kel being one of the guys who Jason manipulated you into having group sex with?"
I bristled. "I consented to everything."
Dr. Anna gave me a gentle, patient smile as she set her notebook aside. "Maria, never mind the fact that you were fourteen years old and therefore unable to legally consent to sexual activities, but what Jason did and said to you was a clear case of love bombing and grooming. You shouldn't feel guilty and ashamed over what happened to you."
My brow pulled down. "What's love bombing? I've heard that phrase before."
Dr. Anna picked her notebook back up and placed it on her lap. "It's a manipulation tactic used to overwhelm their partners to ultimately control them."
"You think that's what Jason was doing?"
I didn't know why I was trying to defend Jason's actions. I was ashamed and disgusted at what I did to try and keep him interested. But worse was that I hadn't learned my lesson with him. The behavior kept repeating itself well into adulthood.
"You told me Jason was attentive, loving, and caring when you first met him."
At my slight nod, she continued.
"He called you constantly, took you on dates, introduced you to his friends. By all accounts, he was the perfect boyfriend."
"Yes."
Because what else could I say? Jason did do all those things, and fourteen-year-old starved-for-love me lapped it all up. That was why when he did a complete one-eighty on me, I was left dizzy from the abrupt change.
"And then he started pulling away, making you feel like you were a nuisance. Once you felt cut off, you did all you could to keep him interested, including submitting to his sexual demands, even though you were reluctant."
My spine straightened as my ears pricked. Dr. Anna's words hit a nerve. But not because I was thinking of Jason.
Brian had constantly called and texted me. He spoiled me with dates and thoughtful gifts. Only to tear it all away.
Had he been love-bombing me? Did he do all this in an attempt to have me agree to a sexual relationship with him, with no intention of pursuing a serious relationship? The thought was sobering and proved that I couldn't tell genuine interest from a calculated one.
"Let's switch gears," Dr. Anna suggested when she spied my pale face.
She flipped her page before scribbling something else down. She glanced at me, pushing her black-rimmed frames up her nose. "Where were your parents during all of this?"
My back straightened again, and I bit back a groan of annoyance. I knew the question would come, but it had me on edge all the same.
This was my second session with Dr. Anna Morris, and it was booked off the back of an emotional episode.
When I'd gotten home the night Brian asked me to enter a "purely sexual" relationship with him, I was hopping mad. I ripped open a bottle of wine and drank from the bottle in one sitting. My phone had been a hive of activity with desperate texts and calls from that asshole. All of which were ignored by me. I was sorely tempted to sink into bed and sob, but I refused to waste any tears on him.
When I woke the next morning, feeling like a dump truck on a hot summer's day, and came across his slew of messages, I knew I needed professional help.
Not because I was disappointed by how things turned out with Brian but because, for a brief moment, I was tempted.
How easy would it be for me to call Brian up, listen to his piss-poor excuses, forgive him, and succumb to his terms in order to keep him around? I'd done it countless times with other men, but the need to give Brian a second chance and to have sex with him was overpowering.
I really, really liked Brian. Well, had liked him. I re-read his apology texts over and over, going over every moment we had together and why I hadn't seen the warning signs.
Brian: Maria, I'm so sorry to spring that on you that way. It wasn't how it was supposed to come out.
Brian: I really like you, Maria. I'm just going through some shit. Can we meet up to talk, please?
Brian: I'm an idiot. I'm sorry. Can we please talk in person?
I liked to think that I wasn't that naive girl anymore who accepted crumbs and excuses. Then Brian came along and whacked my confidence in staying strong. That's when I knew I needed help.
In my first session with Dr. Anna, we spent time getting to know each other. She asked what made me seek therapy, what my goals for my sessions were, and what I hoped to achieve. I immediately recoiled when she mentioned how important it was to explore my relationships with my family and upbringing. My mom took off so long ago that I barely remembered what she sounded like. And the time she was in my life was a hellhole of epic proportions. I hated discussing my childhood and saw no relevance to my current issues.
Dr. Anna patiently tapped her pen against her notebook, as she waited for me to answer. She seemed comfortable with the prolonged silence when all it did was make me itch.
"I dunno. Home, I guess."
The silence continued until I couldn't stand the tick-tock of her clock.
"My mom wasn't really attentive." That was putting it mildly.
Dr. Anna clicked her pen twice as she observed me. It was really unnerving, and I wondered if this was a tactic they were taught. "Maria, am I correct in assuming that your parents are a sensitive subject?"
I blew my breath out at that understatement. "I don't see how it has anything to do with what I'm going through now," I explained.
Dr. Anna leaned forward in her green, highbacked chair. "Maria, you were a child when you started having sexual intercourse. And the sex you experienced was not normal, either. You were exposed to explicit, graphic, and violent sex at such an early age."
Oh, God. If Dr. Anna knew that I was exposed to sex via my mother and her sexual exploits at an even younger age, then the good doctor would definitely think there was a correlation.
"When we chatted last week about what you wanted out of these sessions, one of your main points was addressing your sexual relationships with men and how to set and maintain healthy boundaries."
My eyes sank to the floor. "Yeah."
"If we explore possible childhood trauma, we can then work on your adult wounds in the current context. You're in a safe space here, Maria. We can go as deep or as surface level as you like. Doing inner child work into your parental relationships can help you get to the root of your adulthood relationships. Not only with romantic partners but with friends and other loved ones."
I scrunched my nose up, even though what she said made sense. "Inner child work? You're not going to make me give birth to myself, are you?”
Dr. Anna's red lips quirked at my attempt at deflection. "No. It's all about addressing childhood trauma and consolidating the inner child with your adult form. But I'm getting ahead of myself," she waved off. "I can guide you through it at a later session if you think it may help you."
She leaned forward again, her expression earnest. "Now, do you feel you're in a safe enough space to open up?"
I took a deep breath as my eyes smarted with moisture. "Um...shit." I stared at the ceiling to try and ward off the tears. I hated crying. "I've never talked about this before. Not even my closest friends at school knew."
"Knew what, exactly?"
I rolled my lips in. "How bad it was at home."
"Okay," she gently replied. "Let's start with your parents. Take your time. Remember, it may take several sessions to get through it all."
Fucking great.
"Well...let's see. My parents." Fuck, it was only session two, and I wanted to lie on this couch and bawl like a baby.
"My dad was there. And then he wasn't."
"What do you mean?" I refused to look at Dr. Anna but could hear her scribbling away.
"I remember bits and pieces of my dad. We were happy once, you know? I remember him lifting me into his arms, I remember watching old action movies with him on his knee, I remember him cuddling with my mom. And then, he was just...gone."
"Did he leave or pass away?"
I shrugged. "I don't know. My mom changed her story so many times I didn't know what was true. She told me he died, that he left with another woman...she even tried to convince me that he never existed. That I imagined him, and he actually took off when she was pregnant."
It used to drive me crazy trying to separate what was true from what were the drunken ramblings of a mad woman. Was he dead? Did he willingly leave? Did mom kick him out? If so, why did he leave and not take me with him? Why didn't he try to see me? Did I do something wrong?
Over and over, the questions kept swirling in my mind. When I was bullied as a kid, I used to fantasize that my dad would pull up to school in a red Ferrari to pick me up. We'd ride off to the Hamptons because that's where the rich people lived, and my real life would start.
And then I grew up and stopped my childish fantasies. No one was coming for me.
Our session ended not long after that. Digging up the past exhausted me both physically and emotionally. Dr. Anna spent the last ten minutes checking in with me and reviewing talking points for our next session—a session I was unsure of attending. But my desire to get better outweighed my discomfort.
I went home and slept straight through the night until 7 AM. I cleaned my apartment, did my laundry and a small grocery shop. By 5 PM, I decided to go into the salon and catch up on work since I left early yesterday for my session with Dr. Anna.
Little did I know that the last person I wanted to see would be waiting outside when I finished.