Chapter 14
Brian
"...and then we got two boxes of donated books. All different genres. We had five copies of The Da Vinci Code, which is great because those sell like hot cakes."
I gave Diane a polite chuckle as the steak in my mouth turned to ash. My appetite vanished, and I set my fork and knife down before gulping down my soda. Diane's ramblings drifted further from my mind until I tuned her out completely.
Her mentioning The Da Vinci Code reminded me of Da Vinci's Grove. Which, of course, reminded me of Maria. And, of course, reminded me of the shit show I made of our burgeoning relationship during dinner. Recalling my words and seeing Maria's face shutter down sliced sharp knives of shame down my gut.
A part of me wished Sarah had never found those letters and took it upon herself to hand them to me. But then the guilt started again, and I berated myself for daring not to be grateful at having another piece of Hannah with me.
I loved reading through her memories of us, things I hadn't thought about in years. How could I forget the first time I cooked for her and ended up having her apartment building evacuated? Or our first vacation together to Las Vegas? The moment we took that road trip to Chicago and ended up at a tailgate party for the Bears? All important snapshots of our short life together, now stuck in the back recesses of my mind. The details grainy, yet the emotions vivid.
Sarah and I ended up talking about Hannah's letters for most of the night. We ordered in and continued reminiscing until I called it a night before it got too late.
Memories of Hannah assailed me, and I went to sleep thinking about her blonde hair and soft brown eyes. But as soon as I drifted to sleep, it wasn't my wife's features I dreamed of; it was of striking blue eyes and dark chocolate hair.
I woke up delirious and my conscience eating at me. I felt even worse when I realized I’d forgotten to ring Maria.
Maria.
Fuck, it felt so good being with her and knowing that I could possibly find happiness again. But should I be thinking about another woman so much this soon? After just one meeting and two dates?
It felt fast, but the thought of giving Maria up made me want to punch something.
So, instead of setting her free, I offered her something entirely beneath her. It was a fucking insult. I knew it before I said it; I knew it while it was coming out of my mouth, and I fucking knew it afterward when I was tripping over my feet to stop her from leaving. I couldn't help it. I wasn't ready for the emotions attached to being with Maria. But I still wanted to keep her.
Fuck, I'm surprised she didn't throw a drink in my face.
I tried calling and texting her. To say what? I didn't know. To apologize. To tell her how stupid I was. How it all came out wrong.
After blowing up her phone for a few days, I realized she was done with me. I didn't want her to think I was harassing her, so I had no choice but to let it go.
Let her go.
If only I could get her out of my head.
"I'm so glad work has eased up for you, Brian," Diane remarked, drawing me out of my musings.
I re-focused on her and smiled as she patted my hand. I kept up my weekly dinners with Diane and Sarah, sometimes twice a week. We weren't at Diane's house tonight, though. It was her birthday, and I was treating her and Sarah to an early dinner in town.
Sarah nodded her agreement. "You work too hard. Not that that's a bad thing," she quickly added, "but it's been nice having you over for dinner again."
"Yeah, well, I have a few easy jobs lined up now, so I should be free more often." It would've been better to have that free time for Maria, but there was little I could do about that now.
Idiot.
"I still gotta take my boys out for a drink to celebrate the end of that Yannis job. They deserve it."
"They're good boys," Diane echoed. She regularly sent baked goods to my job sites if she knew we would be based somewhere for an extended period. "And I'm glad you've got a good bunch of friends here, so you're not so lonely."
"He has us," Sarah piped in.
"Yes, and we're very lucky to have him, dear." She turned to me again with a small smile. Her expression was hesitant, and she seemed to be debating her next words.
"I just hope you're not... lonely in other ways."
My mouth dropped open slightly as the intent of her meaning became clear. My face felt like a thousand red ants were crawling over it.
"Mom!" Sarah sputtered.
"What?" Diane stared wide-eyed at her daughter. "He's still young and handsome. I've seen the way some of the young ladies look at him. I just want to make sure he's happy."
"He" was still sitting right here, hoping the floor would open and swallow me whole.
"His wife died; of course, he's not happy!" Sarah snipped.
Diane sucked in her breath at the same time my stomach bottomed out. The silence stretched out as Sarah looked down at her food, her face red with either embarrassment or anger. Diane glared at her daughter before shooting me an apologetic glance.
I didn't know what to say. Sarah's outburst was unexpected, yet not surprising, given our heavy chat a few weeks ago. However, all I wanted to do at that moment was pay the check and leave.
Sarah abruptly pushed her chair back and stood.
"I need the bathroom," she sniffed before storming off.
Diane sighed and covered her half-eaten food with her napkin. So much for a nice birthday dinner out.
"Honey, I'm sorry," she implored.
"It's okay, Diane."
"No, I shouldn't have said anything in front of Sarah. I mentioned to her a couple of weeks ago that you might be ready to start dating again, and she blew up at me."
"She did?" I shook my head. "She shouldn't have done that."
"She's entitled to her emotions regarding the loss of her dad and sister. But she can't control how others process the loss."
She reached out again to clasp my arm, and I instantly felt comforted. "I didn't mean to put you on the spot there, love. I only meant that you're still young; you still have your whole life ahead of you. When and if you are ready to entertain...someone else," she delicately put, "then you have my full support."
I nodded slowly, my mind still in turmoil. Maria's beautiful face swam in my mind. "There was...someone," I started.
"Oh!" Diane sat back in surprise.
"Yeah." Maria's cold glare as she stared me down flashed its reminder, and my mood deflated further. "We only had a few dates, but it didn't work out. I'm not sure I'm there yet, you know?"
Diane gave me a sad, understanding smile. I spied Sarah making her way back to the table and my back straightened in warning. Sensing my cues, Diane squeezed my hand. "I know," she quietly told me.
"Well!" Sarah breathed as she sat down. "I'm ready for dessert; how about you?"
Sarah's abrupt change of subject and lack of acknowledgment in her behavior was startling, but I was relieved to let talk of my dating life, or lack thereof, go.
The topic was too heavy for me, hitting a little too close to home. Having Diane's blessing felt great, but I needed to work through my own grief my own way before I thought again of dating.
But the only person you want to date is Maria.
Once dinner was over and I settled the check, I helped Diane and Sarah put their coats on and escorted them to Diane's car. I was glad they both arrived separately from me. I needed to be alone for a while.
Instead of heading to my own vehicle, my feet took me in a direction I’d been itching to go since my ill-fated date.
Maria's salon stood out like a beacon amongst the row of storefronts. I stared at her signage, and a soft smile formed as I gazed like an idiot at the beautifully curved "M" in her name. It was neat, elegant, and bold, much like its owner.
When I glanced inside, I saw a soft light still on in the back. My heart quickened in pace. The store was closed for business, so the light meant only one thing. Maria was in there.
I stopped myself from reaching out and touching the window as if it would magically stroke her. That would be weird, especially if she walked out of her office and caught me.
I should leave. Walk away. Hop into my car. Drive home. Wallow in the still quiet of my home.
Maria made it clear she wanted nothing to do with me.
I glanced across the street and saw Chapter and Tea, the coffee shop slash bookstore, still open. I wondered if they carried that new crime thriller I’d been meaning to read. I also felt like a coffee, especially after the dinner I had. Even if I barely ate anything.
I allowed my feet to cart me across the road and into the store's warmth. I ordered my coffee and sat by the window. And waited. I imagined Maria in there, typing away, working hard with her brow pulled down in concentration.
When I brought lunch to her that last time, I remembered watching her in quiet comfort as she answered emails and filed paperwork. I could've sat there and watched her doing mundane office shit for hours.
Forty minutes later, just when I was ready to call it a night and head home, I spied movement through the window of her salon. Because it was dark, the light gleaned bright, illuminating her movements.
I made a note to chat with her about working so late. New Haven was relatively safe but not infallible. She needed someone with her on the nights she chose to stay after hours.
You don't have the right to be concerned about her anymore.
My hopes sank as I remembered the tatters of our relationship.
Undeterred, I quickly strolled across the street. The chill of the evening didn't affect me as my mind focused on the woman who occupied my waking thoughts—and sleeping ones.
My heart quickened as I spied Maria bending over the receptionist's desk, typing something into the screen. Her hair was pulled back from her face, and her little brow was furrowed in concentration. My heart leaped to my throat as nerves took hold of me, but instead of bailing, I soldiered through and lifted my hand.
Her head snapped up at my knock; eyes startling briefly before her expression cleared when she realized who it was.
If looks could kill.
"Can I come in?" I mouthed at her.
She hesitated, her mouth twisting in thought.
Please, sweetheart, I silently begged.
A steely expression cleared her features before her spine straightened, and she strolled towards me. Her gait was slow and without urgency.
Unbothered.
The locks clicked before she pulled the door open and regarded me with a stare designed to zap me on sight.
I slid my hands into my pockets and offered her a small, non-threatening smile. "Hi," I murmured.
My eyes were desperate to soak in the first image of Maria I'd seen in almost three weeks, but instead, I kept them focused on her beautiful face.
"What are you doing here?" She kept her hand firmly gripped on the door. Her husky voice was like a shot of adrenaline.
"I was out for dinner and saw your light on." She didn't need to know that the restaurant was further down from her salon.
Maria raised a brow. "Out for dinner? What, were you looking for your next purely sexual relationship?"
I wanted to close my eyes in shame. "I deserve that."
She rolled her eyes and gave an annoyed sigh. "What do you want, Brian?"
"Can we talk, please? I have some things I need to say to you."
She shook her head. "Brian, we've been on three dates. Well, two and a half," she sarcastically recalled. "What does it matter anymore?"
Because I can't get you out of my head.
"Please?" I implored.
She had every right to be angry, but I needed some closure, if anything. Maybe then I'd stop dreaming of her disappointed face every night. Or how soft her lips felt against mine. Was it selfish of me to come here when she clearly wanted nothing to do with me? Yes.
Another reason for her to hate me.
Maria's jaw clenched as she took in my appearance. I was dressed for dinner out, and I belatedly hoped she didn't actually think I was out with another woman.
Thankfully, Maria jerked the door open, silently inviting me in. I quickly slid through before she changed her mind.
While she engaged the locks, my hungry eyes ate her up. Her hair was secured in place by some claw contraption. But it was what she wore that had my cock twitching. A short black leather skirt showcased her long legs, and a tight, long-sleeved olive green sweater with a low square neckline highlighted her impressive cleavage. I'd only ever seen her in jeans or longer skirts. She had legs for days. Absolutely stunning.
I quickly averted my gaze when she turned to address me. "Okay. Say what you want to say." She folded her arms defensively.
She wasn't going to make this easy for me.
"First, I owe you a major apology. What I said to you was not okay. I'm so sorry." I took a deep breath and decided to lay it all out there. "I'm going through some stuff related to my late wife. Things...came up recently that made me realize I'm not quite ready to date seriously yet."
She gave a little frustrated huff and unfolded her arms.
"So why not just say that? I told you on our first date that things might not turn serious between us, that one of us may decide that the other wasn't right for them. But instead of ending things amicably, you decide to insult me."
"I didn't mean it that way," I pleaded. "Truthfully? I wasn't ready to end things with us. I know that's selfish –"
"It's not only selfish, it was disrespectful," she snapped.
"How was it disrespectful?"
She let out a throaty snort and shook her head. "On our first date, you asked me if I was seeking "the one." I was real honest with you that I was at a point in my life where I would only be dating towards something serious with someone."
My heart sank as I recalled our frank conversation that afternoon. I remembered feeling pleased that she was on the same page as me. Christ, I really fucked this up.
"So what made you think that it was okay after two dates ," she emphasized, "where we had meaningful connections, not to mention all the countless texts and calls between us—why you then thought it was okay to offer a booty call out of the fucking blue in the middle of dinner at some Michelin style restaurant?"
Her face was red from anger as she jabbed a finger in my direction. It felt like a strike straight to the heart.
"What about me made you think I would be down for that? We've never fucked, barely even kissed –"
"Barely?" I growled as I took a step forward. "I had my tongue down your throat. I felt how much you wanted me."
It was the wrong thing to say, and I don't know why I said it. My stupid ego just could not allow her to dismiss one of the hottest kisses I'd had as nothing.
Her eyes flashed in outrage as she clenched her fists. "So because of one kiss, you think I'd be down for it?" Her voice was low and tight.
I turned away from her and pulled at my hair in frustration. Aimed only at me.
"Fuck!" I whirled back to face her. "No. You're right. My behavior was unacceptable. After our lunch at your office, my sister-in-law came over real upset. We started chatting about - about Hannah. Things got emotionally heavy, and I realized I needed a break to process things."
"So you thought you'd process things via my body?"
"What? No! Shit, Maria." This was not going as I'd hoped.
Maria held up her hand to halt my next words. "I'm sorry about your wife," she softly remarked. "Truly, I am. But I am not in the position to make you feel better—sexually—to get over your grief. My body is not your therapy."
Her words hit my gut like a knife, and I wanted to punch something in anger. Especially when a realization dawned on me.
I came here to make amends, but I also came to ask for a second chance. I could admit that now. I'd been kidding myself about needing closure. As soon as I saw Maria through the window, I felt the rock that had been lodged in my throat for weeks ease. But I was digging a hole to New Zealand at this point, and I didn't think there was a way to climb out.
"Fuck! Maria, sweetheart," I paused when she flinched at the endearment. "I fucked up, OK? I know I can't take back what I said, but I want to keep seeing you; I do."
She shook her head, and my hopes deflated further. "I can't forget what you said, Brian. Maybe another girl would overlook it, but I know you're in a vulnerable place. You just want to keep me around until you feel ready to take me seriously. That's not fair on me."
"No, that's not what this is." Except it was.
Fuck!
"I'm celibate, Brian." Maria's voice was so quiet and calm that I almost missed what she said.
The air sucked out of the room as I froze to process her words. Maria's striking eyes glowered at me defiantly, her little chin lifted in challenge.
What?
"What?"
"I'm celibate," she repeated.
"Celibate?" I parroted.
She blew her breath out. "Yes. It means abstaining from sex," she slowly explained as if I were dense.
"Can I ask why?"
"You can, but you lost the right to know my reasons."
I flinched. Ouch.
Her eyes searched my face before she decided to take pity on me. "I'm choosing not to enter into a sexual relationship until it's committed and monogamous, and we're both working towards a permanent future," she softly explained. "Since I know you're not at that point in your life, this ends here for us."
My jaw worked as I stood there, unmoving. She was right. I knew she was. I wanted to be with Maria, but I was still unsure if I was ready for commitment. I raked my brain, trying to devise a solution, but I knew there was none.
None that made it fair to Maria, anyway.
"I - I don't know what to say."
She gave me a smile laced with sadness. "I need to lock up." She walked to the door, unlocked it, and held it open. "Goodbye, Brian."
Feeling numb, I walked like a zombie towards the open door. My mouth opened to say something, but there was nothing I could say. Before I knew it, I was out on the street, with Maria locking me back out.
This time, the air chilled me to the bone.