Maria Undone

Chapter 30

Maria

T he knock came at 7 PM on the dot, as if he'd been waiting for the clock to tick over before he announced himself. The anxiety that had clogged me since last night continued to build. I wanted more time to compose myself before seeing him again, but I knew I'd probably judge him if he were even a minute late.

For all my bravado on the phone with Brian, my insides started to churn as soon as I ended our call. Seeing him again suddenly seemed like the most stupid idea. I almost called him back to cancel.

No, actually, I don't care how you know Simon and Sofia, and I'm definitely not curious as to why you almost got into a fight with my ex-fling. On my behalf.

Since that last time in his office, I'd tried to shove Brian to the back of my mind. I’d written him off as a dud in my long list of admirers. Yes, it was annoying that he entered my mind more times than I liked to admit, but I was still proud of myself for not caving in and making the same tired excuses I gave to all the men who inevitably disappointed me.

So why had I agreed to see him?

After Simon's revelation, there was a curiosity that nagged at me. The fact that two men I had previously dated not only knew each other but had seen fit to discuss me without my presence had my hackles raised, and my interest piqued. It didn't matter how innocent it all was. Or that it had been done defending my honor.

My hand turned on the doorknob, and I finally laid eyes on the man who had wrecked me. I hadn't seen Brian since I stormed his office and dumped his apology flowers at him. Even though I'd had over twenty-four hours to prepare myself, it still wasn't enough time.

He didn't look any different from when I'd last seen him. That was the problem. He still looked exceptionally good that I had to keep my eyes trained on his face to stop from checking out the rest of him.

Brown eyes crinkled with a softness that caused my gut to pinch. Firm mouth that I could still recall the softness of when his lips had moved desperately against mine. They were now curved in a small, hesitant smile as if bracing himself for me to slam the door in his face. Sensible me should have. But inquisitive and slightly still slutty me? She widened the door to welcome him in.

"Maria." His tone was low and polite. "Thanks for agreeing to see me."

I inclined my head in acknowledgment. "Hi. I see you found my place okay."

Was it my imagination, or did I see a slight wince? I stepped aside. "C'mon in."

His woodsy and spicy scent assailed my senses when he brushed past me. My eyes couldn't help but fall on his firm ass that looked snug in those black jeans. He wore a gray hooded sweatshirt underneath a forest green jacket. I'd seen Brian dressed in his muddy work boots and branded work shirt. I'd thought that was sexy. But seeing him in his everyday casual clothes, especially in my personal space, spiked my heart.

I'd also seen him dressed up in a stone-washed collared shirt and dark navy pants for our date at Da Vinci's. That image sobered me up as I was reminded how that date disastrously ended. It was the catalyst for where we were now with each other.

I squared my shoulders and jutted my chin out. I indicated to my gray sofa. "Take a seat."

My place wasn't much to look at; still, I tried to see it through his eyes. I had a generic photo of a vase with flowers that I thought looked pretty, a standard TV, and a bookcase with my favorite thrillers and romances. I used to have photos of Lissa and me throughout the years, but they all ended up in the trash after I cut her out of my life. I was confident she and I wouldn't be making up.

It had been a long time since I'd had a man in my home—well, long by my standards. His giant frame dwarfed my small sofa as his eyes bounced around the room in interest.

Finally, his glance landed on mine, and I felt my body engulfed in heat as his gaze drifted down my body. There was nothing hesitant or subtle about his appraisal, and I briefly wished I'd dressed up a little. I wore what I usually threw on when I came home from work—my mint-green lounge pants and matching slouch shirt. My hair was up in a careless bun, and my face was clean of makeup. Okay, I had a little mascara. I wasn't a complete slob.

"Can I get you something to drink?" The air felt tense and uncomfortable. Now that he was here, I didn't know what to say to him. Suddenly, this seemed like a very foolish idea.

"Water is fine."

Thankful I had something to keep me busy, I turned to fetch a glass before filling it with the filtered water I kept in the fridge. Our fingers touched as I handed over the cool glass and that simple exchange almost had me dropping the liquid over my carpet. I was an idiot to think the attraction between us could fade so quickly. If that sizzle was any indication, the sexual tension between us burned as bright as ever.

I moved across to the armchair, needing the distance. He took a long drink of the water, drawing my eye to the strong column of his throat as it bobbed. The silence between us lingered as he rolled the almost empty glass between his hands with his head bowed. Before I could ask if he was okay, he spoke. "Can I go first?"

Surprised and relieved that he wanted to make the first move, I nodded. He let out a breath before placing his glass on the coffee table in front of him. His hands ran up and down his thighs. "I've been here before."

I frowned before looking around my apartment as if I could spot evidence of his things lying around. "Huh? No, you haven't."

He shook his head before leaning forward. "Sorry, I didn't mean here," he clarified. "I meant this apartment building."

Now it was my turn to lean forward. "What do you mean?"

He snatched his glass back up and finished the rest of his water. His fidgety behavior did not bode well for me. "Sofia and I had a sexual relationship a few years ago. It was casual, and it ended when she met Simon. In fact, I'm pretty sure she ended it with me because of Simon."

A piercing stab of something akin to jealousy throbbed inside. I had to admit, I kind of saw this coming. When Brian told me he met Simon through Sofia, only one possible scenario ran through my head. Even though I’d braced myself for this outcome, his verbal confirmation still stung.

"I…see." I nodded slowly before leaning back in my armchair, exuding a casualness I was far from feeling.

He spread his hands in appeal, his tone becoming more urgent. "I didn't know that you knew Simon or Sofia, but I can assure you that there weren’t and aren't any deep romantic feelings with her. She's since become a good friend, although that's probably gone to shit now," he mumbled.

I tilted my head. "Because of what happened at the engagement party?" I wanted to get to the crux of his reason for being here. I didn't know why he was trying to convince me that he and Sofia had no deeper connection than the physical kind. We all had a sexual past. Granted, none quite as incestuous as that group.

"Yeah. I was out of line yelling at Simon like that, but at the same time, I don't regret it."

That niggling curiosity reared its head again. "What happened exactly? Simon only said that you defended me and were quite pissed off."

"That's basically what happened. Your name was only brought up because Mila Mills raved about you."

My lips twitched, and I tried to fight the pleased blush that climbed my cheeks. It was always flattering to be praised.

"Once Mila left, Simon mentioned in a casual aside that he was a dick to you." He paused, his lips thinning until they turned white. "The thought of anyone being an ass to you set me off."

I couldn't resist seeing the irony in his statement, which he immediately picked up on. He raised his hands with a wry smile. "I know, I know. Believe me, if I could kick my own ass, I would."

"Hmm." I crossed my legs at his admission. "I dunno; I think the verbal ass-kicking I gave you was sufficient."

He let out a rough laugh that vibrated through me. "You certainly gave me a lot of home truths, that's for sure."

He quickly sobered and shifted positions. Brian had been antsy since he arrived, but instead of finding it annoying, my traitorous body felt endeared. We didn't know each other that well, but I could still pick up on his little tells.

"Maria, I'm not looking to pry into your relationship with Simon. That's none of my business. But I am sorry if I overstepped."

I shook my head and released a trapped breath of stress. "You didn't overstep."

I didn't want to tell him that I found it quite sweet. I couldn't fall back into the same loop where I praised and made allowances for a man who gave me the bare minimum. "Thank you for defending me. It wasn't necessary, but I appreciate it anyway."

His shoulders came down, and I could almost see the tension leave his frame. "Are there any questions you want to ask me?"

"About what?"

"About my relationship with Sofia. My friendship with Simon…anything, really."

I shook my head. "It's not really any of my business. Not anymore."

Simon was out of my life. I'd never been friends with Sofia and her crew. And after tonight, I couldn't see a path where Brian and I would need to communicate again.

The thought made my jaw clench.

"I'm making it your business. Seriously, Maria, I'm an open book—ask me anything."

My eyes roamed over his features. Those brown eyes pleading at me to indulge him, that firm mouth that was tightly drawn, waiting for my response.

That annoying curiosity poked up again.

"Did Simon or Sofia tell you anything more about our relationship?"

He shook his head. "No. Just that you two used to be a casual thing, and, you know, he was a dick. Sofia seemed annoyed at him. Not because he used to be with you, but I felt like she didn't like how Simon behaved."

"Hmm." I examined my nails. "That sounds about right. Sofia and Eden were always nice girls. Me?" I glanced up at him, fixing him with a cool gaze that used to shred strips off a lesser opponent. "Not so much."

His brow pulled down, and I decided to push forward before he asked any questions. "Since you're friends with Sofia and Simon, let me give you a little insight into our relationship," I offered. "You know how Lissa and I used to be friends?"

His expression cleared, and he leaned back in his seat, his eyes dropping from mine. "Yeah," he rasped.

I quickly gave him a rundown of our history, explaining that Eden and Barron were high school sweethearts until Barron cheated on her with Lissa in high school. That was how I met Simon. At a year older, I was witness to Simon coaxing Barron to hook up with Lissa. Lissa had been my best friend, and I admitted to Simon that I didn't care what she or Barron did. I was loyal to Lissa at the time and was under the belief that you can't steal someone away unless they wanted to be.

Besides, I'd been infatuated with Simon. Even though he wasn't that much older than me, he felt otherworldly with his college plans and his ability to sneak alcohol. He and I fucked the second time we met, which was at a house party.

I held out my hand as Brian's eyes bulged at the tea I was giving him. It did seem salacious, but it became a lot less serious when you held it in the context that we were a bunch of immature seventeen and eighteen-year-olds. "Please don't think badly about Barron. He was a young idiot and obviously Eden has forgiven him. It was a long time ago."

He shook his head. "I'm fucking stunned. Barron can barely take his eyes off Eden long enough to wipe his own ass, so the thought that he would hurt her seems impossible."

I gave a snort at his explicit visual. "Yeah, well. He didn't stay with Lissa long. Let's just say that as quickly as I got a front-row seat into their hook-up, I got one just as fast in seeing his regret at losing Eden. At the time, though, I was only a dumb kid and only cared about my friends and having sex."

He nodded. "Like, any eighteen-year-old."

I paused at his observation, knowing that my situation was a little more nuanced than a silly kid ruled by their hormones, but I didn't want to get into my personal shit.

"Anyway, Simon and I were on and off for a few years. I won't get into the history, but long story short, I found out that Simon slept with Lissa."

"Shit." His guilty stare dropped again, and I knew he was remembering his own interaction with Lissa. Brian was off the hook in that regard, though, seeing as he didn't know that Lissa and I used to be friends.

"We weren't exclusive," I stressed. "I knew he was seeing other girls, and I was also dating around because I wanted to keep my options open. But my ultimate goal was to be with Simon."

I heard rather than saw his breath expel. The hands he kept on his thighs retracted into a tight fist clench.

"What?" I quizzed.

"Huh?"

"You look pissed." I indicated to his hands which he belatedly tried to loosen.

"I'm not."

"Brian, if you're going to judge me like you did with Logan, then –"

"What? No! No, that's not what this is." He raked a hand through his hair as he leaned forward and shifted back in his seat. "I'm fucking jealous." His voice was so low I almost didn't hear him.

"What?"

He glanced at me with a tortured expression, and I was surprised at how much I wished I could sit near him. If only to pry his fingers apart.

"Maria, I'm still very much attracted to you. I know I fucked up with you, and I'm sorry. I'm not judging you at all. Believe me."

Unprepared for that bit of honesty, I glanced down and started fiddling with a button on my shirt. His attraction to me wasn't secret. I could sense it. It also wasn't one-sided. There was an energy between us that hummed, waiting for one of us to rev it into life.

"It's funny…I dropped Simon when I found out about him and Lissa, and not soon after that I heard he was seeing Sofia. So we inadvertently had a crossover there," I softly remarked. "I don't think anything happened with Sofia while he was also sleeping with me –"

"It didn't. Believe me, I also had a front-row seat in seeing their courtship. They used to annoy each other but I guess spending so much time together, something was bound to happen. It was around that time that Barron and Eden were about to be married."

I gave a puff of laughter as another unfortunate memory arose. "Now that you mention it, I saw a little spark between them. Simon had invited me to Eden and Barron's engagement party as his plus one." I waved my hand dismissively. "Oh, I know he only did it because he felt bad that he was ditching me that night. But I knew something was going on. Suffice to say, I wasn't very nice about it. Eden and Barron probably don't have a great opinion of me," I shrugged.

"Eh, well, who are they to judge? Barron cheated; Simon slept with your best friend; I fucked up a good thing with you…we were all asses."

I swore my heart skipped a beat at his last statement. He slipped it in there so casually but by the puppy dog look he was giving me, he hoped I would pick up his bone.

I glanced at my nails again. "Well, when you put it like that..."

I knew without looking that a broad smile crowded his face.

A beat passed before he cleared his throat. "Maria," he haltingly started. "I have a feeling that if I don't say something now, I'll leave here and never hear from you again."

I stared at him blankly. He wasn't wrong, but I didn't think he required a response.

"Do you remember our last conversation? How it ended?"

I glanced at the clock on the wall. He’d been here for over thirty minutes now. I honestly thought we would be having words before I kicked him out. "Err…I said a lot of things to you that day. I was pretty pissed."

He nodded, not at all put out by my response. "Before you walked out, you told me I had unresolved issues related to the death of my wife."

My expression cleared, and I nodded. "Ah, yes, I think I told you that I didn't want to deal with your issues." My face reddened. "That's not exactly what I meant, and I'm sorry it came out that way."

"No, no. You were right. You didn't quite say it like that, you were actually a lot more generous to me than I deserved."

Generous. That word had never been used to describe me.

"I was still holding onto a lot of pain over my wife's death. A lot of unresolved emotions that I was redirecting into relationships that weren't healthy for me."

My eyes widened, and I dropped my stare from his. My throat tightened as his words rang a familiarity that hit home.

"My mother-in-law suggested grief counseling a few months after Hannah's death, but I dismissed it. When you told me that you thought I needed help to deal with my grief over my wife's death, it finally resonated with me." He took a deep breath. "I've been seeing a therapist for over a month now."

I didn't think; I just instinctively moved quickly across to him and sat down. Reaching over, I gripped his hand, ignoring the familiar spark that flowed between us. I focused on giving him my support.

"Brian, that's amazing. I know that step was hard."

He blew a breath as he shifted his hand around so our palms gripped each other. I knew it was a sneaky move on his part to touch me more intimately, but I decided to give him a pass. "You have no idea."

"Actually, I do." At his inquisitive stare, I raised my other hand. "Fellow person in therapy here."

He laughed, shaking his head. "I should've known. You're a lot more sensible and put together than I am."

"You have no idea," I drolled, and we smiled stupidly at each other.

Awareness lanced through me as I became conscious of how close we were. His scent filled my nostrils, clouding my head with his addictive aroma. His eyes were hooded as his gaze fixated on my mouth. I slipped my hand from his, noting a small resistance on his behalf before he finally released me.

I cleared my throat before subtly inching away from his inviting body heat. "So, ah, how are you finding it?"

"Really fucking good," he enthused, surprising me. "I wish I'd done it sooner."

"You have to be ready for it. Sometimes, it takes hitting rock bottom until you realize you need help. Believe me, I know."

He tilted his head, curiosity written across his handsome face. "But you're finding it useful?" I was relieved he didn't pry.

"Yeah. It's been eye-opening."

"Maria…you can tell me to fuck off. I won't be offended." I raised my brow at his sudden change in subject. "It's what I deserve. But I truly believe that I'm making steps to better myself. Not just because you told me that's what I needed, but because I knew I couldn't be stuck in limbo like I had been for so long."

His hand reached out to touch me before he realized he was pushing his luck and retreated. "I never knew what I was missing until I met you. I know you think that's a line, but it's not. I haven't been able to stop thinking about you. Tell me you feel this, too."

"Brian…" His plea hit my core, but I didn't know what to say. My feelings for him were complicated. They hadn't dried up; there was no point in lying about that and, honestly, I was done hiding my feelings.

I’d always pretended not to be that needy girl, while ensuring I was at the forefront of their minds. I had sex when I didn't feel like it; I tried positions that hurt my body and my self-worth, but I did it all with a smile on my face. I told them it was fine. I told them that I was okay being used as a casual fuck buddy.

All lies.

I didn't want to slip back into my old habits by jumping at the first guy who gave me sweet words, but at the same time, I couldn't deny that my feelings for Brian hadn't dimmed.

"I need time. And space. To think about this." I also wanted to talk this through with Dr. Anna. Usually, she gave me a perspective that I hadn't considered. Or she'd tell me I was stupid for considering this. Of course, I knew she wouldn't say the latter, even though I sometimes wished she'd stop beating around the bush and just tell me what to do.

Brian couldn't hide the relief that flooded his features. It was cute. "Absolutely. Take your time."

I stood, the universal signal that it was time for him to hit the road. As much as I wished I could lean in and breathe in his delectable, manly scent, I knew I needed my head clear while I pondered this strange turn of events.

Reading my cue, he stood too. "Thank you for seeing me, Maria. Um…let me know, um, yeah."

His face heated, and I hid a smile at how eager he sounded. I pushed down any feelings of pity, of hurting his feelings if I ultimately decided not to pursue anything further with him. I wanted to stop pleasing others—men—at the sake of my comfort.

I had a lot to think about.