Chapter 31
Maria
" T hat was certainly nice of him," Dr. Anna commented. "How did that make you feel to receive that apology?"
I brushed a lint off my sleeve before shrugging. "His first apology felt sincere to me, but when he apologized the second time, it felt like a chapter was truly closed on that part of my life. With a happily ever after and everything. Not with him , obviously," I laughed, hiding a shudder. The thought of forever after with Simon did not appeal to me. Funny how life quickly turned. "He and I are never going to be friends, but I felt like he really understood how much he hurt me. It was…nice."
"I agree." She crossed her leg over her other before tilting her head. "Any particular feelings regarding his change of behavior? In our earlier sessions, you mentioned how discontented you felt over his relationship with his fiance."
Discontent. That was a nice way of saying I felt bitter. But Dr. Anna was right. I had been bitter. I’d put in the hard slog, making sure I played the dutiful fuck buddy for Simon, only for him not to see past my impressive rack. Then Sofia came along, and he’d panted, rolled over, and showed her his neck.
Why not me?
That's what I had lamented to Dr. Anna. But that girl was eons away from the woman I was today. I had no lingering feelings of discontent over his relationship. No shake-my-fist-at-the-sky 'why not me' mentality. I was never going to send them a gravy boat for their wedding, but I could look at our relationship as part of the blueprints that helped heal me.
"No," I honestly replied. "I wish him and Sofia the best." There was nothing more to it than that.
Dr. Anna's shrewd gaze roamed over me, her eyes observing my movements. I folded and unfolded my arms before rubbing my nose and clearing my throat.
"Is there something else you wanted to talk to me about, Maria?"
"Hmm?"
I had come to today's session prepared. I’d planned on mentioning Brian straight off the bat, but I procrastinated by talking about Simon first. The longer I left it, the more I was doubting myself whether it was a good idea to even bring him up. A part of me worried that Dr. Anna would think I was sliding back into old habits.
"So, I had omitted an important part of my story," I started, refusing to meet her eyes.
"Oh?"
With cheeks that felt like they were on fire, I quickly ran down the catalyst for Simon's apology. I had to tell her about Mila Mills; otherwise, the story wouldn't make sense. I mentioned their discussion about Simon and I, and how Brian had been pissed off on my behalf. When I talked about our conversation at my apartment I didn't brush over any details. I wanted Dr. Anna to know exactly what Brian said, his tone, his facial expressions, and how I viewed his sincerity. I wanted Dr. Anna to know that I was only bringing this up because I saw something in Brian that led me to consider his plea for another chance carefully.
Dr. Anna remained silent, letting me say my piece without interruption or questions. Her elbow was on her leg, chin planted in her fist as she took in my words. She looked utterly enthralled by my story, and I wondered whether she viewed her clients' issues as soap operas. Goodness knows my issues felt like an episode of Grey's Anatomy . Minus the medical stuff.
"So he's in grief therapy. He listened to you."
"Yes, but he made it clear that it was something he knew he needed. His mother-in-law was in therapy and had offered him a number a long time ago."
Dr. Anna nodded thoughtfully. "Am I correct in assuming that you are considering letting him back into your life?'
My breath huffed out in frustrated doubt. "I know you can't tell me what to do, but I just want some indication on whether this is a stupid idea. I didn't tell him no, yes, or maybe, but I promise you I wouldn't be entertaining this unless I saw something in him."
Dr. Anna shifted in her seat, moving the position of her crossed leg to the other one. "So, tell me what you saw in him. What feels different than the last time he apologized?"
"Well, last time, he was a little pushy. He apologized numerous times, and I did believe he was sorry, but I also don't think he addressed the root of his problem."
At Dr. Anna's encouraging nod, I continued. "His problem being that he was still grieving his wife. Something he mentioned to me a couple of times and the reason why he had ended it with me at the restaurant." I shook my head. "Sorry, not ended it on his end. He offered me a sex-only relationship despite me telling him previously that wasn't what I was looking for. So I ended it."
"Good," Dr. Anna approved. "What else?"
All thoughts emptied my head for a second. Shit, this felt like the time I stood in front of the Maestra for my verbal Spanish test at school. I searched my head for the right words.
"This time around, he addressed that he had issues surrounding the death of his wife. He's been in therapy for over a month now, and he told me he enjoys it. He told me he really feels like he's making the steps to better himself."
"And do you believe him?"
"Yes," I immediately confirmed without hesitation, surprising myself. Fuck, Dr. Anna was good. Everything I had rehashed to her was slowly rebuilding Brian's character in my mind, focusing on the positive attributes he was now exhibiting.
Dr. Anna's face remained passive as she quickly scribbled something in her notepad. I wondered if I had passed her test.
"As you know, I can't tell you what to do. I can only guide you with the tools and knowledge that you need to make the decision that you feel is best without compromising the progress you've made so far. I'll let you think on it, but do you have your non-negotiables, and are you willing to stick with them?"
Those I knew like the back of my hand. I counted them off. "I will be upfront with any potential romantic partner I'm looking to date with the outlook of it becoming more. If we don't feel like the chemistry is there, we will end it. I won't enter a physical relationship until he and I agree to be exclusive."
"And what does physical mean to you?"
"Penetrative sex. I'm okay with kissing. I would like to see whether we have physical chemistry, and I can usually tell that by a kiss." My mind immediately drifted to the brief kiss Brian and I had shared. I'd been kissed hundreds of times, and I couldn't recall a single one that came close to the feeling of Brian's mouth on mine.
"And what else?"
"Communication needs to be open. I can't have him giving me silent treatment for days on end, and that goes for me, too. If he does something I don't like or vice versa, we need to tell each other."
All of this seemed like a no-brainer, but a lot of my relationships turned toxic because I allowed them to get away with behavior that I knew wasn't okay. I also had my own toxic, manipulative traits that mirrored the examples I’d seen from my mom. I used tears, sex, lies, and anger to get my way more times than I cared to admit. I could be needy and used my body to control a man if I knew he wanted to end things or was losing interest. They were cycles I was determined to break in order to make my future relationships—when I was ready—healthy.
I would love if the next person I was physical with turned out to be the love of my life and I was with them forever. But I knew that just because I was healing my trauma, didn't mean I would immediately find my Prince Charming or that our relationship would work out. Healthy was the minimum I aimed for.
"I need to know that I'm important to him and that he values my time." If any of these rules were broken, I would immediately break it off.
I still felt like a kid on training wheels, though. These rules were important to me in theory, but would I feel as strong in my convictions when I was in the throes of an infatuation? Would I still be able to stay strong and apply my rules to my personal life?
Dr. Anna smiled as she placed her pad on the table. Was that a sheen I spied in her eye? "Then, Maria, you have all the tools you need to make an informed decision."