Chapter 32
Brian
Diane: Hi, Brian. I'm so sorry I haven't reached out sooner. There are a lot of feelings that bubbled up since our last meeting. Please know that I love you and support you. I hope to see you again for dinner soon.
When I'd heard my phone ping with a text, my balls had shrunk to my stomach. Maria and I were meeting in forty minutes for the date she'd finally agreed to let me take her on. All week I'd worried that she'd call me up to cancel, finally placing me firmly and permanently in her rearview mirror.
I'd poured my heart out to her that evening in her apartment, so to push it more would've been a major red flag in my box. I didn't need Dr. Grant to tell me that. Plus, I wasn't a hundred percent certain I could call this a date.
When Maria called me back forty-eight hours after I'd pled my case, she only agreed to meet me so we could "test our chemistry and compatibility." She was fucking cute. I didn't need to reassess my feelings for Maria. I was sure as all heck that the burning chemistry that sparkled between us during our brief courtship still brewed just as strongly as ever. It had never left. At least on my end.
And as for compatibility? I planned on utilizing the time she'd gifted me to show her how easily we could slot into each other's lives. From what I discovered of her, I already knew that Maria was not the type of woman you just walked away from. Being on the periphery of her life these past few months also brought a more profound knowledge and admiration for the woman she was. Talented, hard-working, and career-driven. She was also a loyal friend and respected employer. She was feisty and honest with what she wanted out of a relationship. She was also forgiving.
Something I was extremely grateful for.
I made it to Saturday evening without a peep from her, so when I snatched my phone up to read the new message, I was sure it was Maria coming to her senses. As I read the words from Diane, a myriad of complicated emotions coursed through me. I hadn't spoken to her since the day she texted me Dr. Grant's number and wished me the best. The radio silence had been disappointing. After all, Sarah, for all the trouble she'd given me, had still managed to reach out; even if her messages were a bunch of rambling contradictions.
I expected more from Diane, who had always been the level-headed, calm matriarch of the family. Always generous, always forgiving, and kind.
My brow furrowed as Diane's devastated face floated to mind. She'd been shocked. Her demeanor had gone from joy at the thought of me seeking help to disappointment that I had sullied her daughter's name. Of course she refused to speak to me. It was a lot to process.
At the same time, I could've reached out to her. The only thing that held me back was shame. Had I put too much weight on how I expected Diane to act? Dr. Grant certainly seemed to insinuate it when she played devil's advocate after I relayed my woes to her.
For so long, Diane had been the glue that held the family together. Even though she'd been grieving for her husband, she'd also demonstrated a strong resilience for her daughters. She then had to navigate losing her oldest child, at the same time considering the feelings of myself and Sarah. I couldn't and shouldn't expect her to always act with grace and decorum. She was human and entitled to show an emotion other than stoicism.
Perhaps the knowledge that her son-in-law had slept around so soon after her daughter died stretched that generosity to breaking point.
Fuck.
A fresh wave of shame hit me. I needed to talk with Diane soon to explain my state of mind during the last few years. I filed that thought away as a "tomorrow" problem. Right now, I couldn't focus on repairing my relationship with Diane. Right now, my mind was firmly planted on winning over a prickly, gorgeous woman who hadn't left my mind once in the short time I'd known her.
After another quick check in the mirror, I locked up and made the short drive to Hart's, a wine bar in Longford. The town was only twenty minutes away, but I wanted to mitigate any issues that might delay my arrival. The last thing I needed against my name was tardiness. I had to get everything just right. This was no dress rehearsal where mistakes could be ironed out before the final show. I had one shot, and I had to make it count.
I was happy I chose Hart's. I wanted to get out of New Haven in case certain exes and family members happened to show and ruin the mood—a hazard of small-town living.
Hart's was a respectable establishment and popular with both the white-collar and blue-collar crowd. It wasn't fancy like Da Vinci's—a restaurant I'd probably ruined for Maria—and it wasn't beer and pub grub fare like Malley's—it was a happy medium.
I'd wanted to pick Maria up, just so she could have a drink if she wanted to, but she insisted that she meet me there. A part of me worried she'd stand me up, but I pushed that insecurity aside. Maria didn't seem like the type of person who played games, even though she didn't sound too overly enthused on the phone when I set up our non-date. I just had to trust her.
I bit back an amused smile as Maria did a happy wiggle in her seat when the waiter placed a small rectangle plate of Caprese bites in front of her. She glanced up at the waiter with an open smile, momentarily catching him off guard.
I know the feeling, buddy,
The first time Maria smiled at me like that, I’d felt like I'd won the lottery. That same feeling hit me when I’d spotted her strutting down the street towards me while I waited outside Hart's. She had a tentative smile on her beautiful face, yet to me, she might as well have been beaming.
Her gait was confident and sultry, like a woman who knew where she was going. She brightened the darkening sky with her electric blue eyes and shiny, dark hair; the red highlights in them shimmering with each swing of her legs. Thankfully, she'd been right on time, which I appreciated, although I wouldn't have blamed her if she wanted to make me sweat a little.
I was somewhere where I'd never thought I'd be again—sitting across from Maria and watching the glow of the candle highlight her lovely features in the dim room. She wore a thin, gray sweater dress that fell to mid-thigh. Hugging her legs were the sexiest pair of heeled boots, which stopped just above her knees. When I spotted them, I had to work my tongue back into my head.
But as stunning as her body was to look at—and it was a fucking piece of art—my favorite thing was to simply watch her lovely features as each emotion she experienced transformed it. I filed away every expressive wrinkle of her nose, curve of her mouth, and sparkle in her eye, savoring it for those lonely moments tonight when she'd inevitably enter my thoughts.
"Thank you," I firmly told the server as he continued to linger beside Maria. I understood his stupefied expression, but that didn't mean I liked the view of him hovering near her shoulder.
With one last longing glance at Maria, the pimple-faced server hightailed it back to the kitchen.
Maria plucked one of the small skewers before her red lips wrapped around a cherry tomato. She slid it off the stick in a move that was not deliberately sensual, yet on her, it felt like I was receiving my own private peep show. Her delicately small hand covered her mouth demurely as she chewed, her eyes dancing at me in delight.
I bit back a groan of pleasured torture and dropped my gaze, concentrating instead on the flicker of the candle, praying that the twitch in my dick wouldn't grow. We’d been sitting here for almost forty minutes, and, at first, the conversation had been stilted and polite. I was nervous as hell that I might say or do the wrong thing, so I kept our conversation off heavy topics.
I also knew that Maria still had her guard up. Her flirty smiles weren't freely given, and her mesmerizing eyes would drop from mine whenever I glanced at her. She answered everything in a perfunctory manner, so I stuck to safe topics like work and traffic. I desperately wanted to bring back that girl I first met—the real Maria. The one that had allowed a crack of vulnerability to shine through during our too-brief time together—before I fucked up and she pulled the shutters down.
"I've never tried these before," I commented, taking a skewer with basil, cherry tomato, and mozzarella. It glistened with some type of oil and seasoning. Hart's was a tapas-style establishment, so we had a few small plates coming and going. So far, everything had been delicious, although I was still planning on hitting a burger joint on my way home.
Maria picked up another stick. "Neither have I. But what's not to love?" She twisted the stick around. "Tomatoes, herbs, and cheese. You can't go wrong." She gave me a wink before sinking another ball of tomato into her mouth.
I chuckled as the knot in my stomach started to slowly unravel. I was relieved that Maria was slowly loosening up and letting me see some of that saucy attitude I missed. I slid both the tomato and mozzarella into my mouth and the two flavors blended expertly, exploding with delicious satisfaction that I almost let out that pleasured groan. The seasoning gave it an extra elevation. It was my turn to give Maria a cheeky wink, taking delight at seeing her eyes fixate on my mouth.
She cleared her throat before taking a sip of wine, a pink hue painted on her cheeks. "Have you been here before?"
I rolled the empty skewer between my fingers before placing it back on the plate. "Once."
When I didn't elaborate, Maria tilted her head. "Date night?"
My mouth curved at her question. She was starting to probe me a bit instead of giving me one-word answers. I also liked that she didn't shy away from asking uncomfortable questions. Anyone else might've quickly deviated from any mention of a previous dalliance. Not Maria. I found her honesty and inquisitiveness refreshing.
It wasn't a dalliance that had brought me here, though. "Hannah and I came here once for our anniversary. Not our wedding, just our first date. She liked to celebrate those kinds of things."
"And you indulged." She smiled, not at all put out. "That's sweet of you."
I shrugged. I never understood when men complained about their wives or girlfriends planning date nights or nagging them to take them somewhere new. You got to spend time with your girl, making her happy. What was there to complain about?
"Have you been here before?"
Her silky hair moved as she shook her head. She took another sip of her wine and observed me over the rim. "Can I ask you a question?"
Her abrupt change in subject didn’t surprise me. Maria tended to keep her personal life close to her chest. She'd been like that during the brief time we'd dated, although she'd been a lot more forthcoming than she was now.
I wiped my fingers on the linen napkin. "Of course," I invited. Anything Maria wanted to know, I would try and be an open book.
"Do you ever see yourself entering into another serious relationship?" She shook her head and placed her glass back down. "I'm sorry if that's a heavy question, but considering you've gone to great lengths to see me again, I was curious what your end game is."
A momentary unease swam through my stomach before it dissipated. It would always be an uncomfortable journey to navigate a romantic life after my marriage. It was something I was still trying to get used to. All I knew was that I’d never felt more ready to start exploring that than with the woman sitting across from me.
Taking a chance, I reached across and grasped Maria's hand. It was so small and precious in mine, fitting me like a comfortable glove. I braced myself for disappointment, but thankfully, she didn't pull away. Sparks shot up my wrist, and the hitch in her breath told me she wasn't unaffected.
"I know you probably think that I only started grief therapy because you told me to. But honestly? It was something I needed to do for a long time. Diane—my mother-in-law—saw that, too. She gave me a therapist's number a few months after Hannah died. But I threw it away."
"You have to be ready for it," Maria nodded, her hand curling beneath mine.
"Instead of seeking help, I closed myself off and made choices that weren't so great in the long run."
One day, when she was ready, I'd tell her about it—although she might have already guessed with Sofia. She wasn't aware, though, that Sofia was part of a long line of bandaids. I didn't want to scare Maria off, plus I was still a work in progress; learning new things about myself through Dr. Grant's help.
"I can understand that." Her husky voice was steeped in some indiscernible emotion. Her eyes dropped from mine, and her hand slipped back under the table. I instantly missed her warmth but kept my hand on the table in the off chance she would place it back in it again.
"I will say that I was considering entering the dating scene not long before I met you. I think…the emotions I felt for you were so strong that it scared me off, and I reacted like a shithead."
Understatement of the fucking year. Her mouth twisted as a flicker of remembered hurt swirled in her gaze. My fingers curled against the white fabric of the tablecloth, itching to feel her touch again, if only to soothe her. "I thought I meant them at the time, but I quickly realized how wrong I'd been."
I spent months regretting my words and actions as I frantically attempted to guide myself through the rollercoaster of feelings I was experiencing.
Maria's plump lips rolled in as she nodded thoughtfully. "I have to be upfront with you again, Brian. If we do this, like really date, my previous conditions remain the same."
Her chest rose as her eyes met mine. "I'm dating towards the idea that it will lead to something serious." She paused again as she searched my face, seeking any sign of hesitancy to her words. "Is that something you're also on the same page with? It doesn't mean that we'll end up serious, but I would like the opportunity to get to know you better to make that decision."
Though soft in tone, her words held a weight of meaning behind them. She was only in the market for a long-term relationship. That was clear. We had discussed it when we'd been seeing each other—when I also assured her that I was after the same thing.
Another thought hit me. Was she still planning on remaining celibate?
Surprisingly, if that condition was still part of her terms, it didn't bother me in the slightest. I was looking forward to getting to know Maria better without the added sensory of sex. I was convinced we were compatible emotionally and spiritually, and all the rest would fall into place.
"When I agreed with you before, I was so sure that I was ready. Clearly, I wasn't," I shook my head as memories of my carelessness came to the forefront. "This time around, I'm one hundred percent certain that I'm all in this with you. We can go as fast or as slow as you want."
Maria shook her head, and my heart sank. "I'm not the only one in this, Brian," she countered. "I'm not the only one dealing with heavy shit. You're also entering into new territory, so I want to be sensitive to your triggers. Please don't only consider my feelings in this. Yours are important, too, and for this to potentially work, I'd like us to communicate openly and honestly with each other about where we're at."
My bruised heart opened like a pressure valve at her generosity and compassion. She was truly incredible, and I wanted to kick my own ass for almost losing her. As fucked up as it sounded, I was thankful to Simon and Sofia for creating a pathway back to Maria. If we hadn't had that blow-up, I wouldn't be sitting here, receiving another chance with her.
She was right, though. I was still working on myself and coming to terms with losing Hannah, as well as everything that occurred after her death. That didn't mean my developing feelings for Maria weren't strong and important to me.
I was also curious to know what "shit" she was currently dealing with. I already knew her parents were a sore spot with her, considering she brushed over the topic whenever I brought it up. I also knew nothing about her childhood and what she'd been like growing up. I had a feeling that Maria's issues ran deep and had scarred her more than she let on. I wanted to know everything about her and hoped she would allow me the time to do so.
"Thank you. I can agree with that."
Her guarded gaze glittered in relief before she picked up her glass and took another small sip. "Okay. Good to know."
The veil of tension lifted from that point, and the dam of conversation broke, flowing fluidly like it had when we first met. I was aware that things could still go bottoms up, but I trusted our chemistry and verbal agreement to wade through the caution tape that came with dating.
More plates landed on our table; this time, I had no issues with the gawking waiter or the meager food. Maria had another wine while I stopped at one beer since I was driving. She started to open up to me a little throughout the night. Her smiles were wider, her eyes twinkled at me, and her laughs were no longer stifled. She still had a small wall up when it came to specific topics, but I knew when to swerve away and focus on making the beautiful woman in front of me fall for my witty charm.
At the end of the night, I deemed our non-date a success. Although, considering our last date ended with her quietly storming off, it wasn't hard to come to that conclusion.
I was even more convinced that our dinner went well when Maria allowed me to drive her back from Longford. She'd taken a rideshare instead of driving, most likely so she could have a few drinks to loosen up. She would've still been okay to drive after two wines and a few glasses of water in between, but I was happy I could spend a few more moments with her.
However, it soon seemed like a terrible idea when her scent filled my head two minutes into the drive, making the one beer I’d drunk seem like ten. My eyes continually strayed to the smooth expanse of thigh next to me before I mentally slapped myself. The last thing I wanted to happen was to run my car off the road because I couldn't keep my eyes to myself.
"Can I call you tomorrow?" I asked, my heart in my throat. I wanted to walk her to her door, but she refused. I thought our dinner went better than anticipated, but I didn't want to assume she felt the same way. "I'd love to see you again."
Her fingers tapped her thigh as she peeked at me below her long lashes. Her answer came within three seconds, but I might as well have waited thirty minutes. Her red lips curved as she nodded. "I'd like that."
An explosion of happiness spread inside me, but I kept my face passive. I pushed a curtain of soft, fragrant hair behind one ear. My fingers grazed her cheek gently, lingering with a soft caress. Her breath shuttered, and her sweet lips parted a fraction. "Thank you for tonight. Please text me when you get in."
My hand reluctantly dropped, and I watched her exit my vehicle, her cloud of addictive scent floating back to me. I stayed in the carpark, wanting to soak in her presence a little more, even though she was no longer physically with me. Her soft, sweet perfume lingered in the tight constraints of my vehicle. I wished I could box the scent and dangle it from my mirror.
My phone pinged ten minutes later.
Maria: In. Have a good night .
With one last look at her apartment, I finally went home. For the first time in years, I slept deeply.