Chapter 33
Brian
" D id you respond back to her?" Dr. Grant queried, her ballpoint pen poised above her pad.
"I thanked her for her message and apologized for not reaching out sooner. I told her that I'd love to come over for dinner soon.".
"You didn't want to cement plans?"
When I first came to therapy, I used to regard Dr. Grant's probing questions as small tests. If I said the wrong thing or made the wrong choice, she'd mentally shake her head and condemn me in my notes.
"Lost cause."
"Needs more sessions."
"He doesn't get it."
But after a few sessions, I realized that part of a therapist's job is to challenge you—to help you explore scenarios from angles you hadn't considered. It made me a more critical thinker. I started to take into account other people's reactions to my actions and became more considerate of everyone's feelings.
"I think I'm doing really well with therapy," I carefully replied, "and I'm starting to carve a life outside of Hannah and our memories. I definitely want to reconnect with them and apologize to Diane, but I want to sort my life out first."
"Are you worried about what they'll think of you dating again?"
The anxiety in my stomach tightened at the thought, but just as quickly, my mind drifted to Maria's beautiful face. That knot soon faded. We hadn't had another "non-date" yet—not by my choice. Maria's business kept her busy, so she was working late with the uptick in foot traffic and inquiries.
That didn't give me an excuse to rest on my laurels. I found ways to let her know I was still one hundred percent in. I called and texted her daily and even met her at the café next door for lunch. I didn't count that as a date—just imprints of myself that I prayed would attach to her.
I knew she had other options for men; plus, her business kept her busier than ever. She didn't need me. So I had to ensure she'd never consider anyone else. I wanted her to care enough about me to carve space in her life.
"Not particularly," I divulged. "Diane—before Sarah interrupted—seemed happy for me. That's another reason why I'm not reaching out to meet just yet. I want to give my relationship with Maria time to flourish before introducing her." And I planned to do that as soon as she was ready.
Dr. Grant's brows rose high. "Introduce. You two are already serious?"
I flushed at my slip of the tongue. No doubt Dr. Grant was judging me for jumping the gun. "Ah, no. We talk every day, though, and I'm sure that's where our relationship is heading."
Her mouth twisted, her pen poised above her paper. I already knew what she was thinking.
"She replies back to my messages straight away and sometimes messages me first." I sounded defensive, but I knew this attraction wasn't one-sided. I didn't want Dr. Grant to think I was making shit up in my head. I didn't want to use the word "crazy," but my mind naturally went there when she stared at me like I was delusional.
"She wouldn't do that if she wasn't interested." I glanced at Dr. Grant, insecurity crowding me. "Right?"
Her lips twitched before she placed her pad down, thankfully without writing anything down. "Only you can answer that, Brian."
I knew she was going to say that.
At my defeated expression, Dr. Grant leaned forward with a wink. "But it sounds like you're doing everything right."
After my session, I took a short walk to wind down. I always felt that a little bit of the guilt and shame I carried lifted after my sessions. I didn't know what to do with the heavy emotions that came from each meeting, so I usually did something physical to offload the balance. I either went to the gym or went for a run. Maybe it was the blue sky or the lack of traffic this morning, but I suddenly felt like taking a leisurely stroll in the sun.
My feet carried me towards Main Street, as it often did these days. It was a Saturday, close to lunchtime, so the area was bustling with families taking advantage of the nice weather. Maria was working today. She usually had the weekend off, but she'd been burning the candle at both ends lately. I worried about her. Was she getting enough sleep? Enough coffee? Was she closing by herself tonight again?
I wanted her to know I was thinking of her, but I also didn't want to crowd her. I passed the same café where we first met, and without even thinking about it, I walked in and ordered a cappuccino, a bottle of soda, a chicken and brie panini, and ten muffins. I would've ordered coffees for everyone in her salon, but I had no idea how many were on—plus, I'd have to make at least three trips to and back.
With a large bag in hand and a takeout drink tray in another, I strolled into M the familiar surroundings still looked the same as the last time I’d been there. I placed the still-hot coffee and panini down in front of her. "I wasn't sure if you had lunch yet. You've been so busy I worry that you forget to eat."
A small blush painted her cheeks as she picked up the cup. "You caught me," she admitted. "I have been working through." She took a small sip. "This is so thoughtful. Thank you."
"You're welcome."
She stared at me over the rim of her cup as her perfect mouth took another cautious sip. That electrifying spell snared me again, but she seemed equally enthralled this time. I needed to get out of here before I closed the door and begged her to touch me.
I started to back out of the room. "Well, I'll leave you to it."
Something moved behind her eyes. "You're not staying?"
"No, I just wanted to make sure you ate. I didn't want to disturb you too much. Plus, I have a shit ton of washing to do."
"Oh. Okay. Well, thank you." She raised her cup at me.
I tapped the door jamb, getting one last look at her. "I'll text you tonight?"
At her dazed nod, I smiled and forced my legs to leave. Whistling gently, I walked back out of the salon with a swagger I hadn't felt in a long time. I could feel the girls following my movements. When I was outside, I glanced through the window just in time to see Rachel and one other girl rush to the back office. I bit back a laugh.
As I walked back to my car, all I could think about was Maria's gorgeous features. And the look of disappointment on her face when I left.