Chapter 45
Maria
TWO WEEKS LATER
"Can I ask you something?"
My ass was perched on my kitchen stool, watching Brian as he poured me a glass of wine. It was the same spot where I'd watched him cook me a juicy burger and homemade fries. I could get used to having someone cater to me for once.
Not that he wasn't getting a good deal out of it, too. I eyed the very noticeable love bite I'd placed on his neck, just above his collarbone. He'd grinned when he spied it in my bathroom mirror and then proceeded to give me a matching one. My skin still tingled from his lips.
"Of course, babe." He slid my wine towards me before leaning over the counter to plant a lingering kiss on my lips, leaving behind a soft, satisfied smile.
I loved it when he did that. It was as if he couldn't go two minutes without touching me in some way. And it wasn't always sexual. It was the way he caressed my hip as he moved past me or automatically grasped my hand whenever we were out; his hand on my knee when he drove or the way he brushed a quick kiss on me…just because. He still texted me throughout the day—because there was no need for good morning or good night texts now, not when he was spending most nights at my place or me at his. It was just nice to know that he missed me, even if we were only apart for a few hours.
Bit by bit, he started restoring my trust. The small romantic touches and acts of love rebuilt something I hadn't realized was so broken inside me.
Going through therapy and learning about myself restored my self-esteem and my self-worth. Cultivating friendships— real friendships with genuine people whom I trusted and respected—healed that lonely girl who'd never experienced a supportive group of friends who called you out on your shit but also uplifted and supported you. My career was important to me, and I'd rediscovered that zest for my profession that had waned over the last couple of years. I was excited about my future.
All of that would've been enough for me. I knew that now. I knew my worth, which wasn't exclusively found in a man. Brian was right when he told me I didn't need him. I didn't need the love or approval of men.
The difference was, I wanted the love and approval of this man.
Brian enhanced and improved my life. He encouraged me and challenged me to be a better person, friend, employer, and girlfriend. He didn't judge my past. He listened to me and wanted to know about my day, even if his eyes glazed over when I started talking about color palettes and hair textures. He was by far the healthiest relationship I'd ever been in. Even at my lowest set bar, he rose it 10 feet higher and jumped over it.
"Babe?" The stroke of his fingers against my cheek brought me out of my daydream. His warm eyes met mine, amusement dancing in them. "You were saying?"
I gave him a sheepish grin. "Sorry."
I quickly sobered as I thought of what I wanted to say and how to bring it up. Over the last week, I'd started thinking a lot about the letter Hannah left for Brian. One section stood out to me and started to nag in my mind. It was something Brian had mentioned to me and, at the time, it bothered me a little but I'd soon forgotten about it. Hannah's letter brought it all to the surface again, and I needed to know where Brian's mindset was at.
"Hannah's letter…" I started slowly. Brian's curious eyes were soft as he patiently waited.
"I know you're not happy here and that you always planned to move back to New York. I have to agree with her sentiment in the letter: I want you to be happy. Does this mean you'll be going back to New York?"
I couldn't keep the unease out of my voice. I didn't mind if he wanted to go back; we could make it work. But a part of me, selfishly, wanted him to stay. Not forever, of course, but I kept having this awful vision of Brian closing down his business and hightailing it out of here now that he had Hannah's approval, ridding him of any guilt.
Quietly, Brian moved around the table. His hands cupped my neck before his fingers pushed into my hair. He gently kissed the tip of my nose and forehead before gently brushing my mouth.
"Maria," his sigh drifted over me, and my teeth clenched. "You knew that I wasn't happy here the first day we met. Content, yes." His thumb rubbed my bottom lip as I stared up at him. "I was near Hannah. Diane and Sarah were the only family I had, so I was comfortable staying here and being near them. If all this went down without meeting you, I would be thinking of ways to wind down my business and setting up something back home."
My hands tightened around his waist as a tight coil wrapped around my heart.
"But the trouble is, I did meet you." His smile was tenderly amused as he continued to touch my features, stroking my prickled skin, memorizing the sight of me until my eyes glazed over in hypnotic pleasure. "And now that I know what it means to love you, to be near you, to just sit and listen to you try and convince me that The Human Centipede isn't that gory or that I would look good with a faux hawk." My lips twitched as I stroked his lower back. I reckon I could still convince him of the latter. "To be away from that for any length of time would hurt me."
His words speared my soul with hope and happiness. But a lingering dark cloud continued to hover over me, and I couldn't resist probing him further. "New York isn't that far away."
The light in his eyes dimmed, and a slide of disappointment came over his handsome features. His hands stopped stroking. "You would be okay for us to be apart most of the week? Only meeting on the weekend or when we have a free day?"
My eyes dropped from his, ashamed I'd even brought it up. "No," I whispered. "No, it would hurt not to be near you, too. I don't want you to go, but…" My mouth twisted, attempting to keep back the words that were engraved in my heart. I knew he could read the hesitant hope in my gaze, communicating to him what I dared not to reach for. Just in case.
"Maria," His tone was firm, yet that honeyed, rough timbre only served to excite me. "Listen to me, baby. You have to stop thinking that I won't choose you, that I'm not committed to us. I know it's still new between us, but I won't let you down. Not intentionally." He kissed my knuckles. "Communication, remember? I tell you when I'm going through heavy stuff, and you do the same."
I breathed deeply and nodded. Everything was going so well in my life right now that it was hard sometimes to take a step back and just…let it be. Enjoy the current ride, and stop waiting for the hatchet to come down.
"New York used to be home, but home is wherever you are." He pushed a curtain of hair behind my ear. "You've started something amazing here with your business, and it's just getting better. I want to be next to you, cheering you on, following you wherever your dreams take you."
"I love you,"
The way Brian's eyes widened should have been comical, but since I was on the verge of an emotional breakdown over his beautiful speech, I could only give a half-sob, half-choked laugh as he lifted me in his arms and swung me around.
"Say it again," he demanded.
This time, I gave him a saucy grin as I wrapped my arms around his neck. Leaning down I rubbed my nose against his. "I love you."
"Fuck yeah," he approved. He turned towards the bedroom, but I tightened my hands on his neck.
"Wait!" My hand stretched out toward my wine. With a playful eye-roll, he dutifully dipped me until I snatched up my chardonnay. "To the bedroom!" I ordered, giggling as he lifted me higher and tighter against him.
18 MONTHS LATER
I parked my car beside Maria's hatchback. I was relieved to finally be home after a long, stressful day at work. I hopped out, and as per my usual routine, I kicked my girlfriend's tires to ensure they hadn't gone down. The last time I borrowed her car, I'd had to pump her tires, change her oil, and fill her tank. She liked to live life a little too close to the edge for my liking. But I wouldn't have her any other way.
I grabbed my tools from my trunk and hefted them over my shoulder. Usually, they'd be safe in my car in my garage, but since I was spending all my nights at Maria's place— our place, for now—she didn't have a locked garage, just a designated carport for herself and one visitor. New Haven was safe with barely any felonies but I still wouldn't risk thousands of dollars being left exposed. It would be easy for someone to break in and leave me out of pocket.
I growled when I reached the elevator and spotted the Out of Order sign. Fucking hell. I was glad when we'd be out of here.
I gave a satisfied smile as I started climbing the stairs. Maria was gonna be thrilled when I told her the news. I almost called her as soon as my real estate agent informed me, but I decided we should celebrate in style. Shit, I should've stopped at the grocers for some of that fancy wine she loved. It was a night for celebrations.
"Ria?" I closed the door behind me. Carrying all that shit up four flights of stairs really fucking humbled me. I was winded. Dropping my tools by the door, I toed my shoes off.
"In the bedroom," she called out, her sweet voice muffled.
Still smiling, I made my way towards her, desperate to get my hands on my beautiful girlfriend. A title I wanted to upgrade soon.
Amused, I watched Maria from the doorway. She was on the floor on her hands and knees, head buried in the closet. She hadn't worked today; instead, she'd spent the day with Linda and her baby, Margot. Linda's husband was away for work for a week and Linda had been overwhelmed. My big-hearted girl—who always put up a front that she wasn't soft and gentle—had surprised Linda by watching her daughter while Linda had a much-needed nap. I received updates throughout the day, mainly of her panicking about how to wipe a shitty bum. I had no doubt it would be a long time before Maria offered her services again.
Maria didn't want kids. When Linda had found out she was pregnant, Maria had pulled me aside for a serious talk.
"It was never something I wanted. Lissa kept saying I'd change my mind as I got older, but it's only made me even more sure." She'd looked me square in the face as she revealed all this to me, her little chin raised as if bracing herself for my reaction. "Do you want kids?"
I'd hesitated; my heart conflicted as I processed this information. Hannah had wanted children, and I was all on board for it. I could picture myself tossing a ball with my kid or waiting outside a studio as they finished up their dance class. It was what nearly every married couple wanted—at least the ones I knew. You fell in love, married, and had kids—not necessarily in that order, but having children was always part of the plan.
Maria's gaze fell, but she still reached out and patted my hand, squeezing it. "You need to decide if that's something you can live with. I'm one hundred percent sure in my choice, so you need to be, too."
My gut instinct was to immediately say, " Yes, I don't want kids. It doesn't matter." But we both knew it was a big life decision, something I needed to think about, to really consider what my life would be like without the plan I thought would happen.
That decision took less than an hour when I realized that any scenario was negotiable—apart from losing Maria. Yes, I could happily live a life with kids, but I couldn't live a happy life without Maria. I was certain of that. She was more than enough for me. We didn't need any embellishments to cement our love—just us.
"What are you doing?" My dick grew just from watching her sexy ass twitch around.
She reared back to glance at me, her hair in disarray around her shoulders. It was longer now and I loved it. Especially when I got to watch her berry-tipped nipples play peek-a-boo around the strands as she rode me.
"I'm finally making space for you." She gestured to a single box beside her. I moved forward and peered in.
"There's only one pair of shoes and two CDs."
She wrinkled her nose. "Okay, I'm trying to make space for you. It's not my fault I have good taste, and everything is a keeper." She blew her hair out of her eyes.
I smirked as I reached down and helped her up. I wanted to pull her close and ravish her, but I probably stunk to high heaven. We were down a man today so I had to get stuck in.
"Don't bother. There'll be plenty of room at our new house. Once we pick it out, of course."
She gasped and clutched my shirt. "It sold?"
"It's in escrow, but it's pretty much a done deal. They really want the house, and it's close to the school their kid already goes to."
She squealed and reached up on her toes to place a soft kiss against my mouth. She gazed at me with soft eyes. "How do you feel?"
See? She was always thinking of me. As excited as she was, she was also considering how this new chapter affected me.
Hannah and I had rented our home first, thinking we would leave the area and return to New York. A year after she passed, the owner expressed that they wanted to sell the house. I quickly snapped it up. At that time, I was sure I was staying in New Haven near Diane and Sarah. And I couldn't imagine leaving the house where Hannah and I tried to make home.
Maria and I both wanted a fresh start—a new house to make our home—maybe permanently, maybe not. But I knew wherever I finally ended up, Maria would be there alongside me.
"I'm fine. It was time to move on, time for another family to make memories."
She rubbed my chest. "Will you let Diane know?"
I grabbed her hands and held them. I didn't want her rubbing her clean, manicured hands all over my dirty threads. "Yeah. She'll want to take some stuff, no doubt."
Diane and I met a few times for coffee. Unfortunately, I hadn't been back to her home since everything with Maria had come out. Sarah had moved back in with Diane at her mom's urging. Since things with Sarah and I were still strained, it was wise I stayed away. I didn't know whether she and I would ever be okay again, but surprisingly, I was okay with that. Even if we made our peace over the letters, I knew Sarah would still have an issue over Maria; and I wouldn't have a bad word said against my girlfriend. I wanted to protect her peace.
I could even understand why Sarah may never accept Maria. She was holding onto a lot of hurt, anger, and grief. Until she processed those emotions in a healthy way, there would always be conflict.
"I'm so happy for you."
I gave her a lazy smile, trying and failing to keep her hot little body away from my work-weary one. "It's for both of us. A fresh start."
"I love you." There was no stopping her arms from winding around my neck. And the way my dick was reacting, I didn't care if she got a little dirty.
I loved it when she said those three little words. It lit a fire inside of me. That caveman mentality that I didn't know I possessed came out to roar. I would never take her love for granted. Or the chance she gave me.
"I love you, too, baby. So much." I pulled her close and kissed her, our tongues dancing that familiar tango as our hands tightened on each other's bodies.
"Brian," Maria murmured against my mouth as I continued to pepper kisses on her.
"Hmm?"
"You stink."