Chapter 19
There are no celebrations when we return to camp a little while later, even though we all should be happy that we made it to the final five. Rhonda may have been the one who said tonight’s vote was harder than usual, but we were all thinking it.
And yet, instead of mourning, we still sit around the fire and talk, like we usually do after tribal council. If only to assure ourselves that this isn’t a dream, and we are all really still in contention for the grand prize.
Well, everyone besides Cole, that is. He seems unusually withdrawn, speaking only when one of us asks him a direct question, and his answers are short.
The rest of the time, he just sits there with a distant look in his eyes, his gaze occasionally flicking to me or to the lone night cameraman.
I’m not a mind reader and it’s clear what he’s thinking: he’s gotten votes at the last four tribals, and even though he’s managed to stick around, it could easily be him next time.
I wish I could reassure him that he won’t be going home anytime soon, if only to cheer him up.
But I can’t bring myself to do it, because it would be a lie.
There are no guarantees in this game, and we both know that.
Pretending otherwise would just be silly.
So instead of trying to comfort him, as much as I want to, I leave him to stew in his own thoughts.
Hopefully, he’ll be better in the morning.
When Katie says she’s going to bed a little while later, and Tamika and Rhonda decide to join her, he doesn’t even react, still silently staring into the fire.
It hurts me to see him like this, but I can barely keep my eyes open, and I don’t think there’s anything I can say that will make him feel any better.
I reluctantly go to the shelter too, adjusting my pack under my head to try to get slightly more comfortable.
I’m awakened what feels like a heartbeat later by someone gently shaking my shoulder. Is it morning already? It certainly doesn’t feel like morning. My thoughts are fuzzy to the point where I wonder if I’m dreaming, and I feel even more tired than I did when I went to bed. Who woke me up?
Still more than half asleep, I open my eyes, only to find that it’s still the middle of the night.
There’s a gray shadow standing over me, and I blink a few times until it resolves into Cole, his face lit by soft moonlight.
Instantly, I come fully awake, a million questions running through my mind.
Is he okay? Why did he wake me up? What’s going on?
Before I can voice any of them, Cole gently places a finger over my lips.
“Sorry for waking you up,” he whispers, his voice barely audible above the sound of the waves.
“I wanted to talk to you, but I was hoping for some privacy. And, well…” He gestures away from the shelter, towards the fire, at something I can’t see.
“Now’s probably as good a chance as we’re going to get. ”
Frowning, I sit up, careful not to nudge Rhonda or Katie. Privacy? What is he talking about? I follow his outstretched arm with my eyes, but there’s nothing out of the ordinary. What am I supposed to be—
And then I see what he’s pointing at. The lone night cameraman, the one who stays with us overnight, is leaning against a tree, his camera set down next to him, his chest rising and falling with slow, even breaths. In fact, now that I’m more awake, I think I can even hear him snoring.
“He fell asleep a little while ago,” Cole whispers. “I figure this is our chance to talk without worrying about the whole world watching us.”
I nod, my curiosity piqued, even though I’m still incredibly perplexed about this whole thing. What does he want to talk about that he doesn’t want anyone to hear? Why all the secrecy?
It seems I’ll have to find out, because he gives me a quick smile, then turns on his heel and carefully makes his way out of the shelter.
I follow him, doing my best not to make noise or wake any of the others.
Rhonda grunts as I pass by her, and I freeze, wondering how I’m going to explain this to her when I don’t even know what’s going on myself.
But she turns over without opening her eyes, and after a few seconds, I keep moving. That was close.
Once I’m out of the shelter, Cole leads me down the beach a ways, then sits down and leans against a log, gesturing for me to sit down too.
I notice that we’re a good distance from the cameraman, but still able to see him, so we’ll know if he wakes up.
What in the world is happening? I don’t know, but the whole situation seems absurd, and once again, I question whether I’m still asleep and this is just a strange dream.
But then Cole looks at me, his handsome features clear in the light of the full moon, and somehow I know this is real, even if he does look like a dream come true.
Suddenly, I’m blushing, and I force myself not to look away. “So,” I say quietly, “are you going to tell me what this is all about?”
He nods, then turns his gaze back to the ocean, rubbing the back of his neck with one hand.
“I’m really sorry for all this cloak-and-dagger stuff,” he says, his voice louder than it was in the shelter, but not by much.
“Like I said, I wanted to tell you something, and I didn’t want the others to overhear us. ”
I wait for him to continue, more curious than ever, but he doesn’t say anything. “And?” I prompt him after a full minute has passed. “What is it?”
He’s silent for a few moments more, moonlight reflecting in his eyes as he stares off into the sea.
“Tonight’s tribal was a wake-up call,” he says, his voice distant, as though he’s talking to himself.
“I know I’ve gotten votes before, but tonight felt different.
Like it was the first time where I really felt like I could be going home.
” He looks down, but not before I see a single tear running down his cheek.
“I tried not to show it, but when we were talking with Rhonda while the others were on reward, I was so nervous I was almost shaking. I thought you two were just humoring me, and that Marina was convincing Tamika and Katie to write my name down as we spoke.”
He sniffles, and before I can stop myself, I take his hand in mine and gently squeeze it. “Hey, come on,” I say, trying to keep my tone light. “We’ve been allies for almost a month now. There was no way I was gonna let you go home.”
He looks up and gives me a smile, and I have to fight the urge to kiss him.
“I knew you’d have my back,” he says. “To be honest, that’s pretty much the only reason why I didn’t completely freak out.
I trusted you, and I don’t regret it at all.
” His smile fades as quickly as it came.
“But it could be my turn at the next tribal council, or the one after that. And you’ve been so open with me, about Arielle and the idol and everything, but I haven’t really returned the favor.
So, I guess I realized that I didn’t want to leave without telling you the truth, which is …
” He trails off, and when he speaks again, his voice is even quieter. “That I’m bi.”
A wave of conflicting emotions washes over me—happiness that he’s willing to open up to me and sadness that he felt like he had to keep it a secret until now. Beneath those, buried deep yet rising with every millisecond, is hope. Does this mean I have a chance?
But I only think along those lines for a few seconds before I make myself stop.
This doesn’t change anything, and I can’t let myself believe otherwise, because if I do, I’ll only get hurt.
“Thank you for telling me,” I say, ignoring the sharp pain in my chest. “I’m glad you feel comfortable enough with me to talk about it. ”
He shakes his head. “I’m sorry, Ry. I should have told you earlier.
I almost did, when I saw how everyone reacted to you and Katie, and then again when you told me about your sister that night at the spa.
” He looks away and sighs. “But I’m not really out at home.
My mom knows, and a couple of my best friends, but that’s it.
I wanted everyone else to find out from me personally, instead of seeing it on the show. ”
“You have nothing to be sorry for.” I give his hand another squeeze. “Everyone should be free to come out when they’re comfortable. You don’t have to apologize to me.”
“Thanks for that. Really, I appreciate it.” He looks back at me and gives me a grin that quickly turns into a grimace. “You might want to hold that last thought, though. There’s more, and I don’t know if you’re going to like it.”
My heart starts to race, and I don’t dare let myself wonder what he’s about to say. “What is it?”
“I … well, I guess I just wanted to tell you that I really like you, Ry,” he says earnestly, his voice twisting slightly upwards when he says my name.
Even though his words are hesitant, his eyes are locked onto mine, the certainty in his gaze visible even in the dark.
“In a romantic way, I mean. You’re smart and funny and cute and just overall amazing, and I thought that maybe…
” He glances away again, but only for a fraction of a second.
“I was hoping that maybe there’s a chance you like me too? ”
Silence fills the air like a heavy fog as I stare back at him wordlessly, my mouth open wide in shock.
This has to be a dream, because there’s no way any of this is real, that it could be happening to me, of all people.
But Cole certainly looks real, his eyes full of hope and the corners of his mouth turned up slightly, and the log I’m sitting on and the sand between my hands all feel real, and that means I have to say something, anything, before he takes it back, before he tells me it’s all a joke.