Chapter 11 #2
“I’m happy I had an opening. I did notice that your original inquiry was for couple’s counseling, but you changed it to an individual session when you confirmed today’s appointment,” she began kindly. “Has there been a change of plans, or will your partner be joining us for future sessions?”
I took a deep breath and looked down at my hands folded in my lap as I decided how to best answer her question. She clearly saw my hesitation and rushed to reassure me.
“Either way is fine, and we can keep future sessions flexible, so don’t worry about that for now. Today, I’ll get to know you a little bit and find out what brings you here. Does that sound OK?”
I nodded, and she smiled gently, then gave me a brief overview of her qualifications and certifications. “I always let my clients know that I don’t subscribe to any one specific counseling methodology. I find that using a mixture of different therapy techniques often works best.”
“I remember reading that on your online profile. It was actually one of the things that drew me to you,” I offered quietly.
“I firmly believe that I should tailor my methods to my clients’ needs, not the other way around. What works well for one person, or one couple, may not be the best approach for someone else.”
I nodded in agreement, and she continued, “Now, Melanie, some of the questions I ask during our sessions may be difficult to answer or will seem unnecessarily intrusive. I’m sorry for that, but it is important to be as honest, and introspective, and as forthright as you can be.
I can’t be effective if I don’t have all the pertinent facts.
” Her voice was warm and sincere, and it immediately put me at ease.
“I understand,” I replied, then took a deep breath to try to relax.
“So, can you tell me a little about yourself?”
I nodded, then said, “I’m an interior design assistant. I’ve been married twice. The first only lasted for two years. Ryan and I have been married for twelve. We have two sons, Tanner and Garrett.”
When I didn’t say anything more, Kim nodded encouragingly. “And what about you?”
I looked at her in confusion, and she offered a gentle smile.
“I asked you to tell me about yourself, and you told me about your job, your marriages, and your children. That’s fine, and certainly a big part of your life, but you didn’t say anything about who you are, independent of them.
Employee, wife, and mom are labels, but they don’t define who Melanie is. ”
I started to apologize, but she waved it aside. “It’s a very common thing to do, especially for women, but I want you to recognize that you have value on your own, not only as a wife, or a mom, or a reflection of anyone else. So, tell me about Melanie, the woman.”
I froze for a second, unable to figure out what to say. When I told her that, she offered an encouraging smile and told me just to start with the first thing that popped into my head.
“Uh,” I chuckled nervously, “I’m forty-one, as of Saturday. I love to read and travel. I enjoy spending time with my family.”
Kim nodded in approval, then prompted, “And what about your personality? Outgoing, introverted, whimsical…how would you characterize yourself?
Wow. I’d thought talking about the issues with Ryan would be the hard part. I was already struggling, and we hadn’t even made it that far yet.
“Well, I’m…average, I guess? I’m not terribly outgoing, but I’m not really introverted, either.
I’m not spontaneous, I like to plan and organize because flying by the seat of my pants is a little nerve-racking for me.
I’m practical. I’m opinionated, but I keep those opinions to myself probably more than I should. ”
“And why do you think you do that?” Kim asked as I paused to think of something else to say.
“To make things easier for people…and to keep the peace, sometimes.”
She made a non-committal sound, then asked, “Do you see yourself as a people pleaser?”
I chuckled. “Yes, I’ve been told that a few times.”
“But do you see yourself that way?
I shrugged. “For the most part. Is that a bad thing?”
Kim shook her head adamantly. “Absolutely not, as long as you don’t lose your own sense of self in the process.”
Sensing that I wasn’t quite following, she explained, “Wanting to make others happy is an admirable trait, a truly wonderful quality to have. But, if it consistently comes at the expense of your own wants and needs, your own happiness, then that becomes an issue. If your own needs aren’t being prioritized, by you or anyone else, then over time you may feel unappreciated and overlooked, and that can lead to resentment, stress, and anxiety, among a whole host of other unpleasant things. ”
I exhaled sharply as those words hit home. “That’s pretty spot on for me. How do I fix that?”
Kim smiled. “As with so many things, self-awareness is the first step. Recognizing those patterns gives you the power to change them. We’ll work on finding a balance between helping others without losing your own sense of self and making sure that your own needs are being met.”
She paused, then eyed me carefully. “You mentioned that you keep your opinions to yourself sometimes to ‘keep the peace.’ I need to address that before we go any further. Melanie, are you safe at home?”
I reared back in my seat, shocked both by the question and her deadly serious tone. “Yes, Ryan would never physically hurt me.”
Kim cocked her head slightly. “It doesn’t have to be physical to be abuse,” she pointed out.
I shook my head. “I know, but it’s not like that. Truly. Ryan is…neglectful and self-absorbed lately, but he’s not abusive – physically or mentally.”
“Then why do you feel like you need to keep the peace?”
“Because we can only have the same arguments so many times before I get tired of it and just keep my mouth shut.”
“Arguments about what?”
I huffed and shook my head. “My husband’s midlife crisis. His jerk of a best friend. Him being gone all the time lately, ignoring me, and our sons.”
Kim nodded again. She seemed to do that a lot.
“Is that what prompted you to seek this appointment?”
I froze, and she noticed.
“Melanie?”
I swallowed hard, trying to ease the sudden tightness in my throat as the reason I was here alone came rushing back on a tidal wave of pain.
“It was, initially. That’s why I inquired about joint sessions with my husband, but yesterday…” My voice broke, and I took a deep shuddering breath. “Yesterday, I found out he cheated on me over the weekend.”
Kim gave me a look filled with sympathy and understanding. “I’m so sorry you’ve experienced that,” she began, then asked some follow-up questions.
Fifteen minutes later, I’d word-vomited everything and by the time my rambling came to a stop, my throat was dry and my voice was cracking.
Kim gestured toward one of the bottles of water, and I reached for it, sipping on it gratefully as she gave a wry smile.
“Well, that’s a lot for us to unpack.”
I couldn’t help but snort at her matter-of-fact statement.
“Yes,” I agreed.
“Do you think this was a one-time thing, or have you suspected he’s cheated before?”
That thought had never occurred to me until right this very moment. My chest felt as if I’d been hit by a line drive, knocking the breath from my lungs. I gasped without realizing it, until Kim looked at me sharply.
“Melanie, are you all right?”
The concern in her voice snapped me back to the moment, and I inhaled shakily as I nodded.
“Yes, I just…hadn’t thought of that until now. I don’t think he’s done it before, but then again, before yesterday I would have sworn on my life that he would never cheat, so what the hell do I know?” Bitterness dripped from every word, and I swiped angrily at a tear that rolled down my cheek.