Chapter 11 #3
“I need to get tested for STIs,” I whispered, more to myself than to Kim. I was horrified at the thought. That was something I never, ever imagined having to do again in this lifetime.
Kim nodded sadly. “If there’s even a possibility that he has been unfaithful before, then yes, I would advise that right away.” She paused, then asked, “Are you OK to continue?”
I took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. “I think so.”
“Let’s tackle the most pressing issue,” Kim suggested. “You told Ryan you want a divorce. Was that something you said in anger in the heat of the moment, or did you mean it?”
“Yes, I definitely want a divorce if he cheated,” I stated emphatically, trying to ignore the bile rising in my throat.
“If he cheated? You aren’t sure?” Her prodding was gentle but determined.
“I…I’m sure. I mean, he says he didn’t, but I don’t believe him. I saw the guilt on his face. I know him well enough that I could tell he wasn’t giving me the full story.”
Kim nodded. “Fair enough. We can circle back to that if we need to. So, what are the immediate concerns if or when you file for divorce? How old are your boys?”
“Eighteen.”
“Twins,” she said in surprise, and I chuckled.
“Sorry, I should have added an explanation. Ryan and I were both single parents when we met. Our boys were in kindergarten together and became best friends.” I paused to take a sip of my water.
“Ryan’s ex-wife died when Garrett was almost three. My ex was just as bad at being a dad as he was at being a husband. He only saw Tanner sporadically for a few years after we divorced. By the time Ryan and I got married, Chad hadn’t seen our son in over a year.”
“That’s tough on everybody.”
I shrugged. “Luckily, Garrett was too young to remember his mother. She didn’t have custody and didn’t see him on a regular basis.
And Tanner was too young to realize that other dads saw their kids all the time, so it didn’t bother him.
My parents were wonderfully supportive – they still are – so that helped.
Ryan and I had been talking about me legally adopting Garrett after we got married, but we didn’t want Tanner to feel left out.
Ryan tracked Chad down and convinced him to give up his parental rights, so Ryan could adopt Tanner, too. ”
Kim smiled broadly. “That’s amazing. I’m glad your ex finally put your son’s needs first and agreed to the termination.”
I snorted. “You’re giving that deadbeat asshole way too much credit.
Chad had started working odd jobs for cash for so he could avoid his court-ordered child support payments.
Ryan threatened to turn him into the child support office and the IRS if he didn’t sign the papers, and when that didn’t work, he offered him ten thousand dollars. Chad signed on the spot.”
Kim blinked, then gave me a wry smile. “Well, that works, too. It sounds as if your son is much better off without him.”
I heartily agreed. “We all are, actually. The trash took itself out.” I’d been immensely thankful that I never had to worry about Chad Mortensen ever again.
When I’d run into his cousin several years ago, she’d told me that he’d moved to California a few years before that with his latest stripper girlfriend and had dropped out of touch with the few remaining relatives he had.
She chuckled. “OK, your sons are eighteen, so custody won’t be an issue. Still living at home?”
“They’re in their first semester at IU, but they come home a couple of times a month for a day or two.”
“Are they aware of the issues in your marriage?”
“No, and I don’t want them to know,” I answered adamantly. “I don’t think children, even adult children, need to know the particulars of their parents’ marriage unless there are extraordinary circumstances, such as abuse.”
“I can understand that position, but because they are older, they will likely have questions. How will you answer them?”
My heart ached at the very thought. “I guess I’ll just tell that we’ve grown apart or something. They both adore Ryan, and he’s always taught them right from wrong. Honor, integrity, doing the right thing…those were values that he drilled into them from a very young age, so to find out that he – “
My voice broke then, and it took a moment for me to compose myself enough to finish. Kim waited patiently until I spoke again.
“If they found out that Ryan cheated, it would devastate them. I can’t, I won’t, do that to them.”
“Do you think Ryan would tell them?”
I scoffed. “Ryan wouldn’t even admit it to me, so I can’t imagine any scenario in which he’d tell them.”
Kim glanced at the clock on the wall and then apologized.
“Our time is almost up for today, but I do have one question for you.” When I nodded for her to go on, she asked, “What is your goal for your individual counselling sessions?”
I took a moment to really consider my answer.
“To survive this without adding to the trauma I still carry from my first marriage. To get to a point where I can envision being happy again. Feeling whole. To learn how to live without the other half of my heart.”