32. Sadie
32
SADIE
T oday I have a plan.
True, I have a plan every day but today I’m determined to stay focused. The hole in my heart doesn’t get any smaller by constantly brooding over Cale. I don’t know where he is or when I’ll hear from him next. Since I can’t solve this problem, I might as well channel all my energy into work.
There’s a ranch to run and every living creature living here requires love and care. Maybe if I can concentrate solely on the needs of the ranch then my soul won’t ache quite so acutely.
The sun has edged over the horizon and the forecast calls for a brilliant summer day. There’s something magical about watching the first segments of sunshine touch down on the corners of Bright Hearts while I chew on my breakfast apple.
Yes even as I stand there marveling at all the blessings in sight, there’s a sudden tug on my heart as I wonder what Cale is doing now. This is a habit I can’t quit. It doesn’t matter how much I try to chase Cale out of my mind. He insists on staying.
The sight of Bright Hearts greeting the sunrise is just the kind of thing I’d pounce on to share with him. However, I can’t call him or record a video to send his way because I’ve left my phone on my nightstand. It’s a deliberate and pathetic attempt to avoid checking my screen every five minutes in the hopes that Cale will make contact.
If he were standing here with me right now, he might wrap his arms around me. He might chuckle at my delight in this enchanted view. He might claim my mouth for a long, passionate kiss and then suggest in a husky voice that we celebrate the morning by returning to bed for an hour.
HA! There I go again.
Just minutes after I told myself I wouldn’t spend all my time wishing for a man I can’t have, I’m creating imaginary sex scenes with him. I don’t know where Cale is. I don’t know when I’ll see him again.
A ray of sun winks as it peers over the horizon. I want to believe it’s a sign from the universe that Cale is safe and as I’m standing here thinking of him, he’s out there somewhere thinking of me.
For a few seconds I close my eyes and hope with all my might that this is true.
I meant it, Cale. I do love you.
Swallowing the familiar lump in my throat, I open my eyes again and hope the plea has reached its destination. Then I toss the half-eaten apple into the compost bin and trudge in the direction of The Doghouse. I could sure use some joyous, quivering, tail-wagging greetings right now to lift my spirits.
They can hear me coming. An exuberant outburst of barking brings a smile to my face. The door stands slightly ajar, which is odd. Peggy and I have been the only ones at the ranch since yesterday evening. And I remember locking up The Doghouse on my last check of the property.
There are no cars here so it’s doubtful that anyone else has arrived yet. If I hadn’t left my phone in my bedroom then I could check the surveillance videos. I doubt anyone has broken in. There’s no shattered glass or signs of damage on the door.
In their exuberance, some of the dogs are now trying to crash through the kennel enclosures. Nothing looks amiss at first glance. The long row of kennels looks just as it did yesterday. The dogs all seem to be healthy and ecstatic.
There’s a full container of biscuits sitting to the right of the door. I grab a handful and approach the first kennel, still keeping a curious eye out for any visitors.
“Hey, girl.” I stop at a kennel housing a boxer named Pearl. She was just pulled from the county shelter last week and I’ve been working with her. She’s so excited that she snorts and wiggles her whole body. “Sit, Pearl. Sit.”
After a few more commands she obediently plops her rear end down and waits with her long pink tongue longue lolling out of her mouth.
“Very good, Pearl.” I reward her with a biscuit and a pat on the head just as I notice a few bits of dry dog food sprinkled on the floor of Pearl’s kennel. The food and water bowls are full. A peek into the next kennel shows those bowls are also full.
Someone has definitely been here.
I don’t think it’s Peggy. Just a few minutes ago, I heard her scolding one of the cats for trying to get into the gingersnap jar. She would have mentioned getting up early to complete the morning feedings.
The barking has died down a bit. That’s how I’m able to hear a scuffling noise coming from the small utility room just out of sight on the left.
“Jasper? Is that you?”
The scuffling sound stops. The hair on the back of my neck stands up. I take a step back toward the door in case I need to run from whatever is lurking in the utility room. Although it makes little sense that a burglar or an ax murderer would go to the trouble of filling Pearl’s water bowl before getting down to business.
“Jasper?” I call again, a little more desperately, still hoping the teenager will emerge with a shy smile.
Then someone other than Jasper steps out of the utility room.
“Hi, Sadie,” Cale says. He’s dressed in jeans and sneakers. A t-shirt with the name of a New York pizzeria in faded letters stretches across his muscles.
He’s so unexpected and so gorgeous that I legitimately rub my eyes on the off chance I’ve conjured a mirage.
“You’re real,” I say. Then I run to him, not caring where he came from or what he’s been doing or why he’s hiding out in The Doghouse utility room.
He’s HERE. Nothing else matters.
Cale scoops me up in his arms and I wrap my legs around his waist, clinging to him for dear life. He’s warm and solid and a little sweaty and he smells like Ivory soap.
How can I not kiss him?
Resistance is futile. I’m raining kisses on his neck and his jaw, rough from not shaving for a few days, and then I find his lips. His hand gently captures a fistful of my hair and the kiss is so long and so passionate that I’m out of breath, practically panting, by the time I come up for air.
Then I remember that I’m sort of mad at him. As ecstatic as I am to have Cale here all safe and whole and sexy, he deserves a scolding or two.
With reluctance, I unwrap my legs from his waist and face him with what I hope is a deeply stern expression. “Where have you been? For three weeks I’ve hardly heard a word from you.”
He sighs and drags a hand through his black hair. He hasn’t had a haircut since I saw him last. I’m also now noticing his eyes are bloodshot and there are rings of exhaustion beneath them.
Meanwhile, the dogs are thrashing around in their kennels and wondering why they’re not invited to this happy reunion. The noise makes it tough to have life and death conversations.
Instead of trying to shout over the dogs, I gesture that we ought to go outside. Cale lets me take his hand and lead the way.
Beyond The Doghouse and the barn and the paddock there’s a large clearing that I haven’t figured out a plan for yet. It’s carpeted with soft summer grass and looks like a lovely place for a jolly picnic or a serious talk with your unpredictable lover.
Maybe we can have that picnic after we sort a few things out. Cale joins me when I drop down into the grass. I scoot closer and link my arm through his, just to keep him close. In spite of my annoyance, I can’t seem to keep my hands off him. If Cale disappears again, my bruised heart will certainly never recover.
“I’m sorry,” he says. “I’m so sorry, Sadie. After everything I’ve put you through I didn’t know how happy you’d be to see me. I was prepared to grovel.”
“Oh, you’re still expected to grovel. But first thing’s first. No more secrets. Why have you been avoiding me?”
He sighs and stares out at the tree line. When he’s finished gathering his thoughts, he nods, and then faces me with a film of tears in his eyes. But his voice remains steady, if grim. “A lot of really terrible shit went down these last few weeks.” He swallows hard. “Vinny is dead.”
I gasp out loud and cover my mouth. The doughy face of Vinny Tello skates through my mind. Then I think of Kiki. Poor Kiki. I lower my hand. “I take it Vinny’s death wasn’t due to natural causes.”
“Not unless you consider a volley of shots fired from a three fifty seven Magnum natural.”
“You saw him get killed?”
“I was with him when he took his last breath.”
“Cale.” I reach out and wrap him in a hug. My surge of relief is also terrifying. Cale doesn’t need to tell me it could easily have been him who was shot.
He sinks into the embrace for only a moment, before pulling back and gripping my shoulders with sudden urgency. “I need you to understand something. You were all I thought about. Being away from you is fucking agony. Every day there were at least two hundred moments when I had to stop myself from calling you.”
“Why did you stop yourself? I was here waiting the whole time.”
“Sadie, I haven’t done right by you. When we made this deal I didn’t think about how I’d be pulling you into a dark and ugly world. I’m not asking you to forgive me for that. I don’t forgive myself. You were right, you know.”
“You’ll have to be more specific.”
He smirks but turns solemn again in a hurry. “I was protecting my brother. Richie has always been determined to bring the two of us into the fold. But I thought if he had me at his side then he would give up on getting Luca too. I sent Luca away and did everything in my power to shield him from our uncle.” He shakes his head and his shoulders slump. “It wasn’t enough. I got outplayed. I never saw it coming. Luca guessed that I was looking for a way out as Richie’s successor. And I underestimated just how strong Luca’s connection is to Richie. He made a deal that he’d take my place if Richie let me go.”
I’m having some difficulty picturing good-natured Luca as a ruthless mobster. But more than anything, I’m sorry for Cale. He must be devastated.
I’m still trying to figure out a way to best convey my sympathies when Cale tenderly moves a wild curl that had fallen across my forehead. He brushes a rough knuckle over my cheek and tells the rest of his story.
“Luca never knew that our marriage was phony. He did what he did for more than one reason. He didn’t just want to be Richie’s heir. He traded his future for mine. He wanted to give me a chance to be happy with the girl I love. Luca understood how I felt about you before I understood it myself. Sadie, you have my whole heart, for what it’s worth. I love you. I’ll pay any penance and I’ll never stop trying to be the man you deserve.”
Cale’s words have rendered me unusually speechless. I don’t dare move a muscle out of fear this isn’t real, that I’ll awaken alone.
Cale hauls me into his lap. I straddle him so we’re face to face. He touches his forehead to mine.
“Baby, anything you want from me is all yours. Just tell me there’s hope we can have a life here together.”
“Here? You mean you’re leaving New York?” If his arms weren’t holding me tightly then I’d be jumping up and down.
“I’ve already left,” he says. “That’s what I’m saying. You’re my home now.”
“Say it again.”
“I’ve left New York and I’m here to stay. If you’ll have me.”
“Of course I’ll have you. But I want you to repeat the part where you profess your undying love for me.”
“I don’t think I used the word undying.”
“You should have. It’s a good word.”
“In that case, hold on.” He tackles me to into the grass then hovers over me, smiling, when I’m pinned down on my back. “Sadie, you have my undying love, my undying devotion, and my undying commitment.”
“That’s not bad. But I can think of something that would make it better.”
“Oh yeah? What?”
“Kiss me, you asshole.”
He roars out a laugh. “Asshole, huh? Guess I’m rubbing off on you.”
“You can rub off on me anytime, Carmine Connelly.”
“Good to know, Scraps.” He lowers his head and shuts me up with a kiss.
I get carried away in a hurry, wrapping my legs around him and pulling his shirt up to feel his skin. He sucks my neck and presses between my legs to prove the passion definitely isn’t one sided. His hand goes under my shirt and explores my breasts. His thumb slides into my bra and discovers the hard pebble of my nipple. But before we get too hot and bothered to speak, I put a stop to the action and wiggle out from underneath him.
He lays on his side, leaning on his elbow with an exhale of frustration. “Do you need me to declare my undying love again before I can touch your tits?”
“I might but first I have a question. I don’t see a car. How did you get here? Did you teleport from New York?”
“Almost. I grabbed the first flight out. After connecting flights in Dallas and Phoenix, I finally reached the Durango airport in the middle of the night. Then I paid a very happy Uber driver a thousand bucks to drive me out here. I didn’t want to scare the daylights out of your household by banging on the door so I decided to hang out with the dogs. We had a good time. My suitcases are in the utility room. By the way, you need a better lock on that building. I picked it open in thirty seconds flat.”
“Did you? Impressive. I’m lucky to have hooked a man with so many talents.”
He cocks an eyebrow and slowly runs his eyes over my body. “How’d you like to get better acquainted with some of my talents right now?”
“Probably impractical out here in the grass.” I jump to my feet and pull on his arm. “I might get hives and I’d hate to emotionally scar the horses. Plus people are going to start showing up any minute. Let’s bring your stuff into the house. I want to get you moved in before you change your mind.”
He swings his arm over my shoulders. “Not a chance. You’re stuck with me now.”
“That’s good news. But I have one more thing to say.”
“What’s that?”
“I love you too, Cale.”
He looks down and touches my face. “That’s something I’ll never get tired of hearing.”
Peggy must have seen us from her kitchen window. She steps outside, arms crossed, and takes note of the two suitcases Cale is lugging to the house.
“You must be planning a longer visit this time,” she says.
Cale sets his suitcases down. “Is that all right with you, Peggy?”
“You don’t bother me too much,” she says, which is ecstatic praise in Peggy Speak. Next she nods to me. “I left you both some breakfast on the table. You’d best get to it before the cats do. I’ll take care of the morning chores.”
In order to stifle any arguments she immediately begins marching at a quick pace in the direction of the barn.
“Thank you, Peggy,” I call to her.
She straightens her back and strands of her loose silver hair dance in the light breeze.
Peggy’s kitchen smells like her vanilla candles. We manage to rescue our breakfast from the cats just in time as a menacing growl comes from the corner of the room. Little Tinkerbell cowers in the corner of the tiny kitchen. No matter how I try to coax her away from the wall, she keeps her wide brown eyes trained on Cale amid a constant rumble of fear.
In the hopes of restoring Tinkerbell’s tranquility, we carry our plates of sliced fruit, cheese wedges and freshly baked sourdough biscuits to the main house, along with cups of Peggy’s tea.
Since we’re being all informal, I think the best place to eat breakfast is in my bedroom. Apollo and Zeus are very excited over Cale’s return but they’ll have to wait in line if they want his attention. I’m keeping him to myself for a little while first.
The dogs whine when they get booted from the bedroom but they seem to understand when I promise they will get treats later if they cooperate.
We sit on the floor. We listen to Elton John singing Can You Feel The Love Tonight. Cale wants to hear all the news about Bright Hearts. He listens intently when I describe our recent arrivals and lament the fact that the overcrowded county shelter is in dire straits.
Cale suggests hiring more help and building additional housing structures on the property. He suggests calling one of them The Doghouse Part Deux.
I would marry this man in a heartbeat.
That is, if we weren’t already married in the official sense. I would marry him for real and forever.
Cale says nothing more about Luca. Or about anything else that happened in New York. I know there must be things weighing on his mind. I know he’ll share them when he’s ready.
He looks up when I stand suddenly. I see no reason to be coy so I take my shirt off, pleased that this morning I chose to wear a sexy black bra.
“Hey Connelly, do you still want to touch my tits or are you too tired for that?”
Cale drops the rest of his biscuit on his plate and jumps to his feet. “Never too fucking tired for that.”
His shirt is hauled over his head and thrown down before he charges.
The next time we’ll go slow and take our time making love. Right now we’re in a fever. My bra is unhooked. His pants are dropped. My jeans are pulled off and my panties go with them.
It turns out the bed becomes far creakier when I have company. If anyone is in the house they’re getting treated to quite the symphony between the rhythmic squeaking of the bed and my involuntary moaning.
Cale shows no mercy, clearly not caring if we’re heard by half the state. He moves hard and fast, sending me on a collision course with paradise. He rises up on his palms and stares down at me with fiery intensity in those green eyes that were once such a mystery.
“I love you,” Cale says with hoarse urgency. He pumps harder. “I fucking love you, Sadie.”
No fantasy could ever top this moment. I don’t want it to end but I’m getting sent over the peak anyway. When I come, constellations explode behind my eyes and he holds me as I shudder. Cale waits until I’m finished quaking in the aftermath and then he lets himself go. I’m captivated by the expression on his face and commit his heavy groan to memory.
Afterwards, he collects me in his arms as we catch our breath. Cale didn’t sleep last night. I’m not sure he’s slept much in weeks. I can see how tired he is and when I suggest slipping under the covers he has no objection. He falls asleep on my pillow. I kiss his forehead and spend a few quiet minutes just reveling in the aftermath of this past hour. And all the events that came before it, ever since Cale Connelly crashed a Christmas Eve party.
Nothing could have prepared me for this outcome. In the beginning, we couldn’t have been more different. I suppose in many ways we still are. But I’m sure Cale would agree that we’re now alike in the most important ways.
Love does change you. I think real love helps you become the best version of yourself.
Cale and I, we’ve changed each other.
As I slip away and quietly get dressed, the sight of him asleep in my bed under my quilt fills me with so much happiness that I feel like singing. However, I can’t carry a tune at all and the noise would deprive Cale of his much needed rest. I switch on the ceiling fan and leave in silence instead.
Later, we’ll have plenty of chances to catch up on the time we’ve missed. We’ll have our whole lives.