Chapter 18
EIGHTEEN
BABY STEPS
Taylor
The door swung closed behind William and the modelling agent, and I made a call, a little frantic and a whole lot confused.
“Tay! What’s up?” my best friend answered.
“What happened when you first met Gordain?” I descended the steps, pacing the hot street.
“Which part? When he flew in to rescue me or when we met again a few months later?”
“When you knew you had fallen for him.”
I’d known Ella since we were little girls.
There wasn’t much I could do to shock her.
She’d watched me lie effortlessly to schoolteachers in order to get out of trouble; she’d heard how my father talked to me and knew why I was the way I was.
But still, a pause came, and her voice uttered, “Tay? Are you asking me how it feels to fall in love?”
Relieved, I leaned on a wall. “Yeah. That bit.”
“I’m… Just… Wasp? You’re in love with Wasp?”
I gave a short laugh, sounding crazy to my own ears. “I didn’t say that. It’s the falling part. Describe it to me.”
“I don’t know! What are you even…? I mean, this is a revelation! I hoped, of course I did, but Tay!” she babbled nonsensically.
“Ella!”
“Okay, okay. Hang on, let me catch my breath.” She breathed dramatically.
“Right. Um, well, I had nothing to compare my feelings to but I wanted him. In every way. All the live long day. It was like an obsession, both physical and emotional. I’d never felt anything so strong.
It changed everything. Do you feel like that? ”
“Pretty much.” I sighed. “What is that even about?”
“I didn’t know for a while.” Then she added quickly, “Don’t be like me. Don’t doubt if you feel it. I kept G waiting for a year until I was ready, but you’re not seventeen. You can’t pretend to yourself it’s a crush. You and Wasp have known each other for years—”
“I know! Why is this only happening now?”
“Is it, though? Look at how you are with him: you never used his nickname, and you started avoiding him on your last visits. That isn’t something you’d do for someone you don’t care about. You set him aside as special. Maybe you just didn’t notice before.”
I stopped my mouth, considering her points. I’d been instantly attracted to William, that was for sure, and I’d kept coming back for more.
He’d never left my head.
“Argh!” I bit out. “I didn’t know! This was the reason for not having a boyfriend! I can’t have feelings because I can’t follow them.”
“I know why you think this, but what options have you tried?”
“I’ve asked Dad outright to give me Charity’s care. He said no. I begged him. He told me that she could rot in Hell for all he cared, and if I didn’t shape up, that’s exactly what she’d do.”
Ella sucked in a breath. “Have you told Wasp?”
“Which part? The blackmail Dad’s had me under for years? Or that fact that William makes my heart race every time he looks my way and the thought of our time together coming to an end is killing me.”
“Oh, honey.”
I closed my eyes and rested my head on the wall behind me.
We both remained quiet for a while.
Then my friend said, “If you want, I can give you some advice?”
“Please. I’m willing to beg.” My pulse thrummed with my frustration. “Keep talking at me. Say anything. I’m trying to work this out and I don’t know how to do it.”
My friend sucked in a breath. “You really want this, don’t you?”
I had no idea what I wanted. I was balanced on a ledge and I needed to find a way to walk it or fall to my death.
A tad dramatic, maybe, but things couldn’t continue as they were.
If I had that conversation with William, the one that said we weren’t just fucking and those feelings had names, I couldn’t walk away.
He’d told me he could handle a fling, but I knew that wasn’t true.
“If I don’t, I have to walk away from him now.”
“The fact that you called me rather than packing a bag tells me you already made that decision.” Ella hummed.
“You’ve always been a loner. We’re best friends, but this is probably one of the only times you’ve come to me with a problem before you’d decided how to fix it.
Charity is important to you. But Wasp is, too.
I think previously, you’d never let yourself get close to anyone so you wouldn’t have to choose. ”
My newfound emotional state had tears pricking my eyes. “I can’t choose. She means the world to me.”
“And your dad knows that. He’s a fucking asshole. Just saying.”
“He’s the worst.”
There was one fundamental point to wanting the best for my aunt, and that was my lack of choice. Charity’s illness meant that she’d signed over power of attorney to my dad. He’d give it to me, now I was over twenty-one and could take responsibility, but only if I did what he said.
If I didn’t, he’d punish her. It had always been so simple.
Ella spoke again. “If she knew about this situation, she might have other ideas. If Wasp knew about the situation, he might, too. Stop being the island your dad tried to turn you into.”
Wow. I blinked, the moment of realisation stark. In the warm Italian sunshine, I shivered. My stubbornness was my father’s. Through and through. “What if I can’t be any different? What if I’m too much like Dad?”
“Oh, shut up. You are not. As your best friend, I get to tell you when you’re being an idiot, and that time is now. You’re just confused and scared.”
I snorted a surprised laugh at Ella’s indignance. Then the surprise simmered into apprehension. “I am scared. It was easy before. I knew my path, and so long as I followed it, I got what I wanted.”
“Change is terrifying, but if you don’t ever try, you miss out on so much potential.”
“Thank you,” I said, because she’d helped more than she knew. “You’ve always been far wiser than me.”
She clucked her tongue. “I’m not sure that’s true, but if it helps you fall in love with my brother-in-law, then I’m all for it.”
I cradled the phone, loving the idea.
Ella continued, “And talking of change, Mathilda was here earlier. She told me you’d been helping her with a contract. She said you knew your stuff and you’d really saved her.”
My cheeks warmed. “She did? I always thought she hated me, so this is a big turnaround.”
“Hated you? Don’t be daft. Besides, she’s pregnant again and loves everyone and everything right now. That’s why I need to ask for your help for her.”
“She’s pregnant? Aw!” I grinned. “What can I do?”
“Did she mention her office manager quit? There’s a backlog of work building up. When you come back, do you think you can help out?”
“Sure. I’d love to. Except, I’m not sure when I’ll visit again. Can I look at it remotely? We’re driving to Germany today, so if she sends it through this morning, I can download it and work on the road.”
“I’ll call her and make the suggestion.” Then my friend paused, and her breath hitched. “She told us she was pregnant a few days ago. It got me and G talking…” She trailed off.
I stood tall. “You? Are you going to tell me you want a baby? Oh my God!”
Ella snickered a laugh. “Yes! We started trying already. As soon as Mattie told us, I had the biggest kick in the ovaries. When we got home, I leapt on G then told him what I’d been thinking.” She gave a groan. “Can you imagine his grey eyes on a baby? They’d be so beautiful.”
The image came unbidden of William’s green eyes. I’d never thought about having kids, other than as a practicality of an arranged marriage. But to have one for love? I sighed long and hard. “I bet Gordain was all over that idea.”
“He was! He said he’d been thinking about it for months but didn’t want to mention it until I did.”
“This is huge! Did you start trying right away? You could be pregnant now!” I grinned big, and a laugh escaped me.
“I know! I mean, it probably takes a while, but we’ll have fun trying.”
After a little more baby chat, and a promise to call her again in a couple of days, I ended the call to Ella. It was easy to envy her—she had an incredible home, an adoring husband, and a career she’d built all for herself.
For the first time, taking baby steps, I wondered if there was a way I could have the same for myself.
Afew minutes later, William and the agent emerged from the building. I dragged in an excited breath and skipped over but then I stopped short of offering him a hug. With his body held rigid and his eyes fierce, William exuded a spikiness I’d never seen on him before.
A cold trickle slid down my spine.
“Did it go okay?” I asked, forcing the words to sound bright.
“Fine!” The agent beamed, seemingly unaffected by whatever bothered William. “We’ll know the final results tomorrow. I’ll call Ally then. I’m flying home now. Wasp? It was great you stepping in like this. You have my card if you ever change your mind about your career.”
She patted William on the arm, and he offered her a semblance of a smile. Then the woman waved to me and strolled away, leaving us alone.
“Should I get us a cab?” I pointed to the street, like he didn’t know where cabs were usually found. Nerves had me babbling. “Or we can walk?”
William nodded briefly, but his gaze darted away.
He didn’t reach for me.
He didn’t look at me.
The chill took over my stomach, but I busied myself in setting our direction. Side by side, we made our way back to the hotel. For fifteen minutes, he didn’t say a single thing, and it was the most exquisite form of torture after all the soul searching I’d done on the phone with Ella.
My mind wrangled thoughts of the night before.
Of the way he’d looked at me. Defended me.
Of the conversation we’d started to have this morning.
I wanted to ask him so much. I wanted to know why he used a nickname.
I wanted to ask how come he’d had girlfriends he’d been fond of but hadn’t fallen in love.
All the questions I could’ve asked before crammed into a long list, stuffing my head full—
Then I got it.
Realisation slapped me in the face, and I jerked in my step. He’d told me his head scrambled when overloaded by people. And what had he done this morning? The most exposing activity possible.
Oh, I was the most self-centred woman in the world.
We neared the hotel, and I slid my hand into his. William jumped, but his fingers took mine, gripping hard.
“You did good,” I told him calmly and firmly. His eyes widened, but he still didn’t speak. “Now we’re going to pack up our things, find your brother, and get on the road. You can sit in the back if you want. You can sleep, and we’ll stay quiet. Sound good?”
He swallowed then gave a tiny chin lift.
Right then.
Energy renewed, and with utter, sheer relief driving me, I marched us to our room and bagged our stray clothes and products from the bathroom. As I worked, I called Ally and told him to return.
“Jennie said it went well. Is Wasp there? Put him on, will ye?”
I eyed William where he sat, his eyes closed and his head against the wall. The muscles of his neck strained, his sharp biceps defined and rigid.
“Uh, maybe later when he’s not so maxed out. We’ll take the first driving shifts, so can you bring coffee and pastries?”
There was a pause on the line. “Can he hear me?”
I switched to loudspeaker. “He can now.”
“Good. Wasp? We’re going to drive until we find somewhere peaceful. Maybe a little village, or we could even buy tents and sleep on a lakeshore somewhere. Whatever ye need, aye?”
“Aye,” William answered.
“Be back soon. Love ye, bro.”
We hung up and, with a quick final search, William and I were good to go.
He lumbered to his feet and shouldered our bags, keeping with me as I checked us out.
Before we left the hotel, I used the WIFI to download a spreadsheet and several files sent by an enthusiastic and grateful Mathilda, then we loaded up the car.
Ally arrived a few minutes later, and his concerned gaze instantly swept over his brother.
“You’ll be okay. Tay and I have got you,” he murmured quietly.
William’s attention jumped between us. Now I understood this a little more, he seemed frozen, but like he’d purposefully locked himself down. When he got better, I wanted to talk this out with him. I was only guessing at how to help and I didn’t want to guess. I wanted to know.
But now was not the time to ask.
Ally gestured for William to get into the big car then arrived at my side, glancing to the keys in my hand with a questioning eyebrow raised.
“I’ll take the first shift,” I said. “You can both catch up on your beauty sleep.”
In an hour, we were on the A2, passing Lake Como and heading into the mountains that made up Italy’s northern border. I hit the gas and put the metropolis behind us.
If William needed space to fix his head, I’d deliver.