16. Gabe
16
GABE
I pull at the collar of my shirt.
I didn’t put a tie on, and knowing my brother, Ledger, he wouldn’t have expected me to. The service is almost over, and I’m surprised by the number of people in attendance. I’m sitting in the front with Chrissy by my side and all my brothers and their families beside us. I held Chrissy’s hand through the service and offered her my handkerchief when she started to cry. Other than that, she’s avoided me.
The preacher ends the service, and everyone rises.
People are coming to us, offering their condolences, and I try to keep an eye on Chrissy to make sure she’s okay. Her friends are gathered around her, and that makes me feel a little more at ease.
“Gabe.” Walker stops in front of me with his hand held out.
I accept his handshake. “Walker. Thanks for coming.”
He nods. “Ledger was a good man.” He runs his hands through his hair. “I don’t know if you know this or not, but he’s helped me out a time or two through the years.”
Surprised, I rear back. “No, I didn’t know that.”
He looks a little dazed as he gets lost in thoughts of the past. “I was in a bind, and I needed a pilot. Me and half my men would have died if Ledger hadn’t shown up when he did. I was indebted to him. If any of you or your family need anything, let me know.”
I know Walker—hell, everyone in town knows Walker. And there are rumors about what he does with his Ghost team on the edge of town, but no one really knows for sure. “Thank you. We appreciate that.”
He nods his head and then backs away, stopping to talk to a group of men in the corner.
One after another, people that loved Ledger or who came to support us walk through the line. By the time it’s over, I’m exhausted, and I’m glad that there’s not a big dinner after this. Our family is having dinner at Holden’s house, but that should be stress-free.
I’m finally making my way out of the church, and I catch up to Chrissy before she gets into her car. “Hey, you doing okay?”
She nods without looking me in the eye. “Yeah, it was a good service.”
“Ledger would have hated all the attention.” I reach for her arm, and finally she lifts her eyes. “Hey, I’m sorry. It’s been hell at work the last few days. Everyone is passing around that stomach bug—”
Her eyes widen in alarm. “Are you okay?”
I pat my stomach. “I have an iron stomach. I’m good, but that’s why I haven’t been by. I’ve tried calling you a few times.”
“I know. We talked, remember?”
She answered one of the three times I called, but that’s not like her. If she’s busy, she calls me back, and this time, she didn’t. She talked to me after calling her three times, and she seemed off on the phone.
I put my hand on her door because I feel like she’s trying to leave, and I refuse to go another day without having this conversation. “What’s going on with you, Chrissy?”
She crosses her arms over her chest defensively. “We just left our brother's funeral. I don’t know what you want me to say.”
As I stand her with one arm on the door and one hand on her shoulder, I know I should do the right thing and give her some space and time. But doing the right thing has never been my strong suit. “But why are you avoiding me? And don’t tell me you’re not because we both know you are.”
She bites her lip and just looks at me. I’ve had a bad feeling since I left her house the other morning, and I know I have to ask what I’m thinking. “Do you regret the other night?”
She blinks and softly asks, “Do you?”
“Fuck no!” I say too loud as people walk pass us. I dirty look them until they walk past and then I lean in to Chrissy. “Hell no, I don’t regret it. Do you?”
She puts a hand on my chest, and it’s obvious she’s trying to calm me down. Hell, is this where she gives me the boot. She tells me it was fun but it’s over already. My heart is racing, and I can’t catch my breath. “This is not over, Chrissy. ”
She smiles, shaking her head. “It never started, Gabe. It was one night.”
“It meant more than a one-night stand, and you know it. You were there, Chrissy, and don’t act like it didn’t mean anything to you. I don’t know what this is, but I’m not letting you end it because you’re scared.”
She juts her chin at me. “I’m not scared.”
I’m practically panicking at the way she’s keeping her emotions on lockdown. I’m just going to say it. I should have said it to her the other day before I went into work. “I love you.”
She doesn’t seem happy or surprised by my statement. She just nods her head. “I know you do. Since the day we met you’ve taken care of me.”
I lean my back against her car door and cross my arms over my chest. It’s either that or I’m going to reach for her. “It’s more than that, and you know it.”
She looks so sad. “It’s not. You feel obligated to me. I’m like your little sister—”
I cut her off and hold a hand up. “No offense, honey, but there’s not any part of me that thinks of you as my sister.”
She clenches her eyes shut and opens them again. “Think about this, Gabe. We have sex a few times, and then you meet another girl—”
“That’s not going to fuckin’ happen!”
She stomps her foot. “Gabe, listen to what I’m saying. I’m giving you an out.”
I grit my teeth. “I don’t want or need an out.”
She sighs, tilting her head. “Will you please hear me out?”
“Fine,” I grunt.
She nods. “If you met another woman, you wouldn’t leave me.”
I nod, because finally we’re getting somewhere. “You’re right there. I wouldn’t leave you. I’m not a cheater, Chrissy. I would think you know that about me.”
She rolls her eyes. “That’s not my point. My point is that you would never let yourself hurt me. You couldn’t do it.”
Dumbfounded, I stare at her. “I’m lost. How is that a bad thing?”
She takes a step back from me. “You’re not hearing me. Even if you were unhappy with me, you wouldn’t leave me. You would just stay with me because you wouldn’t be able to bring yourself to hurt me. You’d feel obligated to stay with me.” She sucks in a deep breath and lets it out. “I don’t want to be an obligation to you.”
“Chrissy, baby, this is—”
She shakes her head. “You had sex with me because you felt bad for me. I practically threw myself at you and didn’t give you much of a choice—”
I take a step toward her and don’t stop until we’re toe to toe. This is getting ridiculous. “I didn’t sleep with you because I felt bad for you. I slept with you because for the past three years you are all I think about. You wanted to know why I haven’t been dating, and I only told you half the truth. The other part of it is the fact that you’re the one I wanted. I told myself I couldn’t lose you as a friend, and that’s why I never acted on it, but trust me, feeling bad for you never had anything to do with the other night.”
She opens her mouth and then closes it. I lift my hand and cup her cheek, and she shakes her head, stepping away from me again. “I can’t do this right now, Gabe.”
“Look, I know this is the absolute worst time to deal with this, but I can’t handle you ignoring me. We’ve never…” I suck in a breath. “You’ve never ig nored me, and honestly, it’s freaking me out a bit because I don’t want to lose you either, Chrissy.”
Her face is void of any emotion. “I can’t do this right now, Gabe. We have to go eat dinner with our family and act like everything is normal. They don’t need this stress of me and you arguing on top of everything else.”
Tears start to fall from her eyes, and I pull her to me. She comes to me instantly, and I wrap her up in my arms. “I’m sorry, baby. I’m so sorry.”
I stroke my hand down her back and try to soothe her. “It’s okay. It’s going to be okay. The most important thing is that we get through today. I shouldn’t have pressured you. Fuck! I’m so sorry, Chrissy. I’ve been crazy with worry the last few days, but we don’t have to decide anything right now.”
I keep whispering to her, trying to convince her it’s going to be okay, and when she lifts her head, I use my thumbs to wipe her tears away. “Look, you’re my best friend, and I need you. We’re going to go to Holden and Cat’s for dinner. We’re going to drink, cry, talk, and reminisce about Ledger, and we’re going to do it together. Okay? Forget everything else. Let’s just get through today. ”
She sniffs and nods her head. “Okay, yeah, that’s what we should do.”
“Do you want to ride with me? I can bring you back to your car later.”
She instantly shakes her head. “No, I’m fine to drive. I’ll meet you over there.”
I want to argue with her. Hell, I don’t want to let her out of my sight, but I’ve already upset her enough. “Okay, well, I’ll be right behind you, and I’ll see you there, okay?”
She sniffs and nods again, and I open her car door for her. I help her in, put her seatbelt on and then kiss her cheek. “Be safe. See you in a few.”
“You too,” she says, and I close the door. I watch as she drives off and I’m completely unsettled. Did I completely fuck up? I thought the other night was perfect, but she obviously doesn’t see it that way. If I've messed up our friendship and gone about all this the wrong way, I’ll regret it until my dying day because I can’t lose Chrissy… I can’t lose my best friend.