Chapter 34- Daisy
A paper marriage shouldn’t hurt this way.
“I knew it was a mistake to think this would ever work in the long run. I never wanted this marriage in the first place...”
He said it all right there, didn’t he?
But, excuse me? He didn’t want this marriage?
I never wanted this marriage.
I never asked for it.
I knew he wouldn’t want me as his wife indefinitely.
I knew sex would only carry us so far.
I knew better than to fall in love with my luck.
And, I walked right into it all anyway.
“I never wanted this fucking gargantuan ring either,” I say, scowling as I yank it off. It clatters to the floor of my bedroom, an empty sound in a lonely space. My finger feels naked without it. I’ll get used to it. I’ll have to.
Throwing myself onto the bed, I have my cry to get it out of my system. I wish Mimi was still here but she’d returned to the penthouse before we left town. It’s just as well. No one needs to see me like this.
Except someone does. More than one someone.
“Are you unwell, child? Shall I fetch some tea?”
“Or would you like a bite to eat?”
“Is there something I can do, missus?”
Hurriedly, I lift my head from the pillows and see Mrs. Keating, Jenna and Luis standing in the doorway with anxious expressions.
Even Old Vinegar Fish is there, looking uncomfortable. “I can phone an ambulance if needed, madam.”
Unexpected kindness. It gets me every time. I can barely get the words out. “You needn’t worry. I’m… I’ll be alright.” I survived my mother’s death and life on the streets. Surely, I can survive this variety of a broken heart. So many people do and I’m nothing special.
They don’t listen to my protests that I’m fine. Mrs. Keating and Jenna sweep in with motherly hugs making me cry harder while Luis and Mr. Radcliffe share the latest developments. My past and our marriage are making headlines. God, listening to Mr. Radcliffe relate it all is embarrassing enough to make me want to crawl into a hole and stay there.
Was he really so sure that I was cheating on him with Anders or was it an excuse after he’d been embarrassed by me in front of his family to put distance between us? How does he feel about all the media attention? He once told me that a Barclay’s heart was never open to the casual inspection of others. Now, we’re splattered across every headline.
“I imagine Grant must be mortified,” I whisper to myself.
“Gossip is only words. They’ll fly away soon enough, missus.”
“Luis is right,” Jenna says. “It’ll boil over and then simmer back down.”
“Yes, yes. Like a teabag, you never know how strong a marriage is until you put it in some hot water, child. You’ll see.”
“I had hoped he was making a sincere effort. That was what the late Mr. Linus wished for.”
“What are you on about, Fisher?” Mrs. Keating snaps. “Can’t you see our lady is in distress?”
“Mr. Linus wished for me to ensure that Master Grant tried . It was his dying wish - ‘ Don’t let him marry a girl he’ll neglect. Don’t let him waste his life on a lonely, haunted past here.’ I thought that’s what he’d done when I met you, madam.”
“Marrying me would be wasting his life, would it?” I sigh.
“No, it wouldn’t. I thought he was going to do expressly what his grandfather never wanted but I didn’t know how to get through to him. I have never been accused of having much tact when it comes to personal matters.”
“You don’t say,” Mrs. Keating replies with heavy sarcasm and I feel my lips twitching into a fleeting grin.
“I deserve that, Theodosia. I left his grandfather’s final letter somewhere I’d hoped he’d find it when I realized Mr. Linus never mailed it.”
“The letter in his desk drawer?
“Yes, but I came to realize I was mistaken about you, madam. Or, at least, I feel I should be mistaken. I feel as though, if he was going to try for anyone to make a marriage work, it would be for you.”
That’s what hurts. He did try. I just wasn’t enough to outweigh his doubts and overcome his guarded heart. I couldn’t convince him that we could be more than that paper marriage he wanted. I wasn’t enough. And, he should never have been forced to marry a complete stranger just to preserve his mother’s final resting place to begin with.
∞∞∞
A few hours later, my eyes are dry and the servants have left me to the solitude of my studio. I don’t feel like painting but I wanted to be up here. Gazing out the window, I study the pattern of the hedge maze. Marriage can feel like a maze at times; complicated and difficult to navigate. It’s easier to make out your path from above but it’s when you’re in the thick of it that every twist and turn matters.
Five million, one year and all the independence I could hope for when it’s done. That will be enough. It will have to be.
Assuming he doesn’t divorce me sooner over one unwanted kiss.
No, he won’t do that. He’ll keep to our original arrangement and keep me locked away until we reach that year so he has no hassles over his inheritance. Then, he’ll be glad to be rid of me and at least I will be able to take care of Mimi and Jewel as well as myself.
The door opens and I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised to see my husband walk in. All my pain from the past twenty-four hours has morphed into a brittle shield coated with anger. I draw it over my heart to prepare for this confrontation.
“I know that you had asked me to not visit your studio for the time being…”
Because of the painting I was working on for him. It’s covered at the moment and I don’t know when it will be finished. “It’s alright. This is your house.”
“It’s your house, too,” he says, softly. “I think you must’ve dropped this.” He’s holding my diamond ring. He must’ve found it on the bedroom floor when he came to find me.
“It was never the ring I would’ve chosen for myself but I apologize for being careless. I know how costly it was.”
“I don’t give a fuck about how much the ring cost.”
I shake my head. I can’t do this right now. I can’t fall. It’s better not to be dependent on another person, not for money and not for possession of my heart. “My house, too. For one year. Then, we’ll divorce. That’s what we both wanted.”
“Daisy-”
“One year, five million and no one will take this estate from you. That was our arrangement. I never wanted more than that from you.” He grimaces. “I’m sorry if the news being spread about me is upsetting or embarrassing to you.” His grimace becomes that familiar scowl.
“I don’t give a fuck about that either. I’m only concerned if it’s hurt you.”
“Nothing they could say about me can hurt me… if it’s the truth.” He winces this time, too clever to miss the intended jab.
“No. You would never be ashamed of the truth. You’re my incredibly brave girl with all the spirit in the world. It’s one of the many things I admire about you.”
Stop saying the right things, I think desperately. I pull my shield up a little higher, knowing I have to get through this with it still intact.
“I should never have accused you. I’m sorry, Daisy.”
“I can imagine how it looked. You had expressed your dislike of Anders’ familiarity more than once.”
“His familiarity wasn’t your fault in the first place and… Lincoln paid him to do that, to get close to you and try to seduce you.”
“What?!”
“He was proud of the fact when he told me.”
Sucking in a ragged breath, I turn away from those dark brown eyes. Another blow. I didn’t want Anders to be in love with me but knowing it was all a ploy by Lincoln to hurt Grant makes it even worse. “I thought he was my friend. I was lonely at first when we married and he said he was my friend. I just wanted a friend.”
“I’m sorry for that and sorry you felt lonely. I’m sorry I didn’t punch him a second time, too.” A smile flickers between us at that admittance. “I’m sorry to say some people will do just about anything for money.”
‘Like a homeless girl marrying a rich stranger?” The smile flickers out. “Did Lincoln go to all that trouble to pay Anders because of your past with Emilia?”
A long pause and then a quiet, “Yes.”
“It’s a shame I had to hear about that from someone other than you. Perhaps I was supposed to make a flash card for it.”
He shakes his head. “No, I should’ve told you upfront when we discussed the trip. I should’ve shared the particular reason that Lincoln hates my guts. Anders hadn’t been working for me all that long. Lincoln contacted him after the will had been confirmed and… I suppose I hadn’t made much effort to be a tolerable boss. He was open to helping Lincoln with his revenge for the right price.”
“Did you sleep with her to hurt him?”
“No. I swear to you I had no idea who she was that weekend.”
“Was it… she made it sound as if it meant a great deal to you both and-”
“It wasn’t anything but a huge mistake, Daisy, the dumbest thing I’ve ever done until yesterday.”
I believe him. I want to believe everything could be real between us, too. But, my fear and hurt still speak louder.
“Daisy, if I could make things up to you, if I could apologize enough, do you think…”
“No, I think it’s best if we go back to how things were at the start, a paper marriage and sleeping in different places. This was never what we were looking for.”
From behind my brittle shield, I see the glimmer of hope in his eyes die with my words. With my Potter luck, it’s better this way but, God, it’s agony. How long will this heartbreak take to heal?
“If you want, I could stay with Mimi in the city or-”
“No.” The barked syllable makes me flinch and he softens his tone once more. “Sorry. You never have to be afraid of me.”
“I know that.”
“What I mean is, if that is what you want, that is how it shall be but I would prefer it if you would stay here at the house.”
What I want is for you to refuse, to fight for me, for us because I don’t feel strong enough to be vulnerable today and do it myself.
I tell that needy little corner of my heart to shut up. My brittle shield hasn’t cracked yet. “You wish to keep me locked away? Avoid more scandal?”
“Never. That is not my wish at all. But, I don’t belong under this roof with you or anywhere else after… after everything.”
He sounds as miserable as I feel but I simply nod and that’s that. He leaves and only one wounded heart remains in this enormous, empty house that’s as lonely as that imposing hedge maze through the window.