Chapter 35 - Grant
A change of perspective can make the truth so clear.
“I don’t belong under this roof with you… after everything.”
She has no idea how sincerely I meant those words.
It was cold last night and they’re calling for rain tonight. Being cold and damp with no immediate relief from being cold and damp in sight is more unpleasant than I’d ever pictured. I never considered the weather half as much as I have the past two weeks but all my camping gear is the finest money can buy. An unfair advantage perhaps though waterproof isn’t always as waterproof as they say.
But, every day of suffering makes me realize that much more how strong my wife has been, my hearty little wildflower.
Stiffness has crept into my bones but I’ll work it out soon enough with my run. The stiffness in my sweatpants is another matter. I was dreaming of Daisy this morning. Christ, I need a shower.
On a positive note, my marriage is no longer major gossip fodder. They’ve either moved on as Dean said they would or received enough encouragement to find something else to talk about. I don’t really care beyond the hope that it will cause Daisy less distress. I can’t believe she thought I’d want her to be locked away at the estate for the rest of this year. I just want her to be happy.
Sighing, I shift to my side and feel a rock digging into my hip. May as well get up. Luis will be grumbling at me before long.
“How long will you be stupid?”
“Ah, Luis. Right on time,” I say, opening the tent’s flap.
“You could sleep in the cottage.”
“No, that’s your place and Theodosia’s and Jenna’s and Fisher’s.”
“You could sleep in the winery.”
“That’s Geraldo’s place. He’d peck me to death in my sleep.”
“You have a place in the city.”
“That’s Mimi’s. She likes it there.”
“Mr. Grant, you have more money than I’ll see in ten lifetimes. Why are you sleeping in a tent?”
“My wife did it. So can I. And, for fuck’s sake, just call me Grant, Luis. You’ve known me since I was still in diapers.”
Luis shakes his head before passing me some dry toast from his pocket. “The least you can do is eat. She wouldn’t want you going hungry and neither would your wife.”
I’m tired and a little slow this morning but I realize the ‘she’ he meant when he nods toward my mother’s headstone. “No, I suppose you’re right.”
I take a bite of toast and get an approving nod. But, before he leaves, he stops to give me one more piece of advice. “Take a shower before you go to work.”
Chuckling, I promise I will.
∞∞∞
The ground is so hard. That so-called padding the camping equipment salesman sold me is a piece of shit. I feel like there’s a lump forming on my forehead.
My grandfather’s face floats before my eyes and the words, ‘a lonely maze that no one visits’ seems to echo around me.
“How long will you be stupid?” Luis asks. There are tears on his cheeks as he digs my mother’s grave.
Daisy’s laughter fills the maze as my mother’s once did. I’m looking for her. Turning the next corner, I feel like I’m close but she’s just out of sight and forever out of my reach . I can’t get my mother back, I know, and love can leave us hurting worse than anything. But, if I could catch Daisy, I would tell her…
“Mr. Barclay, sir?” Hadley whispers in my ear. Since when has she started popping up in my wandering thoughts?
Jameson, seated on my other side, gives me a poke in the ribs. “Grant, wake up.”
“Are we boring you, Mr. Barclay?” our CEO drawls.
“Give him a break, Anthony,” Dean says as I lift my head from the hard conference table to find my partners and our assistants all staring at me.
I fell asleep during a meeting at work? I never fall asleep like that. That’s something my father probably would’ve done if he’d ever held a job. I sniff at my jacket. I took a shower, right? It feels like there’s sand in my eyes. I’m so tired and so goddamn heartsick. I miss my wife. I’m a fucking mess.
“I apologize,” I mumble, angry at myself for… everything.
“Grace, you and the other assistants can head on to lunch. We’ll be a few minutes,” Anthony says and even his wife doesn’t hesitate to flee.
With the assistants gone, they all move in, Samuel pouring me a glass of water. “When’s the last time you slept?”
“Besides just now?” He snorts at my dry delivery. “I sleep every night, just not very well.”
Wake before dawn, commute to the city, work all day, commute back, snag a meal from the kitchen when Jenna’s not there and settle in the maze for the night so I can lie awake, regretting my choices while staring in the direction of our bedroom window.
“Not sleeping well sounds like something you have in common with your wife at the moment.”
“What the hell does that mean, Reynolds? Is there something wrong with Daisy?” I’m frantic at the thought.
“I’ve not spoken to her.”
“But your girlfriend has. I’ll bet your wives have, too,” I say, turning to face the others.
“Whatever the ladies may have discussed, that’s their business until they choose to share it but, I assure you, there’s nothing physically wrong with Daisy.”
“Beyond the fact she loves her husband and is convinced he doesn’t love her back.”
“That’s ludicrous! I love my-”
“I told you to talk to her that day I picked you up from the airport.”
“I did talk to her! She said she wanted to go back to the way things were before we… before we started treating it like a real marriage.”
“Well, she may have said that but maybe she wasn’t certain.”
“Or maybe she still needed some time to recover from the disaster in Vancouver.”
“He’s the one who insisted I go talk to her right then!” I say, pointing at Dean.
“Yes. Talk to her then. And, talk to her later. And, talk to her again,” Dean huffs.
“And, again and again if needed,” Anthony adds.
“Until the day comes that she either tells you things are broken beyond repair…”
“Or, she decides she likes seeing your face more than she likes not seeing it,” Samuel says, finishing Jameson’s statement.
“Let’s not give him too much hope, Adams. Daisy’s a sensible girl and may have already realized she’s better off without this quitter.”
My scowl melts into a grin when I realize Jameson is teasing me. They really do mean well in their way and I did make one apology and then promptly gave up when she wasn’t ready to try again. If there’s even the slightest chance for us, shouldn’t I be fighting for that, tooth and nail? One thing is certain, this pain isn’t going anywhere and nothing will change if I simply sit here at work by day and hide in the maze by night.
“Gentlemen,” I say as I stand, “I apologize for the short notice but I’ll be taking the rest of the week off to set my personal affairs to rights.”
“Jesus, you’re not going to jump off a bridge or something, are you?”
“I think he means he’s getting his head out of his ass and going to win back his wife. Right, Barclay?”
Rubbing my tired eyes, I nod at Anthony. “Definitely the second one.”
∞∞∞
Reaching the penthouse, I draw a quick breath to settle my nerves.I still have the keycode but it’s proper to knock considering the change in circumstances. The door opens and lively blue eyes blink up at me. “Grant? Goodness, you’re soaked. Get in here. It’s raining cats and dogs out there, isn’t it?”
"Is it? I hadn’t noticed. I think I’m getting used to being damp.”
“More flowers?” Mimi asks, smiling at the bouquet.
“Daisy told me you’re fond of them.”
“I am fond of flowers but I’m fonder of my granddaughters being happy,” she scolds, setting the bouquet aside and pinching my cheek.
“I suppose you’ve talked to her.”
“Of course, we’ve talked to her,” another feminine voice answers.
“Jewel?” Seeing my wife’s twin step out of the kitchen is like a momentary visual hallucination and also a gut punch. They look so much alike until you look a little closer. Glancing past Jewel, I wish with all my heart that Daisy might be visiting today, too.
“She isn’t here,” Mimi says, knowing exactly what I’m doing.
“Right. How are you, Jewel?”
“I’ve been better,” she admits. “But I think I’m going to be better from now on.”
“Rod?” I guess.
“Yeah. Daisy and Mimi were right and I’m finished burying my head in the sand. When the news broke about your marriage and he realized how loaded you are, he started coming up with ways for us to get money out of you.”
“Do I want to know?” I ask after she passes me a towel for my wet hair.
“He wanted me to come stay with you and Daisy… and see if I could maybe get you drunk enough to get me pregnant one night. Since Daisy and I are twins and all.”
“On second thought, I didn’t need to know that.” That fucker still needs to pay for what he did to Daisy and now this, too.
“When I refused, he got scary again. I knew it was time to pack it up. I hope you don’t mind me staying here, too. I had no other place to go.”
No other place to go, just as it was for her sister once upon a time. So many people with no place to go. “Why would I mind? This is your grandmother’s home now and you’re my family.”
Mimi smiles with deep affection but I see the skepticism in Jewel’s eyes. So much like her sister, it’s hard for the Potter girls to trust men and who can blame them? “We’re not going to be your family forever though, are we?”
“That depends on what your sister wants but I want that. I want that very much.”
“Then, what is my Daisy’s spicy-tongued beau going to do to be sure it happens?” Mimi asks.
“Lots of things if I can manage it, big and small. I’ll need some help with some of them and others I’m going to have to figure out on my own.”
“Sounds like we should order some lattes and get to planning then.”
I agree and place an order. I’ll drink pumpkin spice lattes every damn day and do a billion other things I don’t like if that’s what it takes to get my wife back.
∞∞∞
Tonight, the stars are out as I settle into the maze on this crisp January evening."It's not so bad. I’m not saying a fire wouldn’t help but it’s tolerable.”
“Your teeth are chattering so much the swans and ducks waddled in here to check on you,” Luis says.
“They’re just visiting. They’re my friends.”
“I don’t like the sound of that cough. Elyse wouldn’t have liked it either. If you’ve caught a cold, come to the cottage. No starting fires in the hedge maze.”
“I can handle a cold and I promise I won’t start a fire,” I say, chuckling at Luis. “Jenna packed me cookies tonight. Want one?”
My sneaking food out of the kitchen has been discovered. They’ve taken to setting aside a whole meal for me every evening. It’s waiting by the backdoor of the kitchen when I make it home from the city. I’m sure the staff thinks I’m nuts by this point but it doesn’t keep them from trying to take care of me as they always have.
“It’s starting to feel like I’m a kid on a perpetual adventure, camping out in my backyard. This isn’t what Daisy went through.” I’ll never know the sort of deprivation she went through and it makes me feel small and ridiculous.
Luis accepts the cookie. “I don’t think she would say that. You’re experiencing something very different from the life you’ve always known and this is not a five-star hotel in any way, shape or form.”
“A five-star hotel would have a hot shower, soft pillows and climate control,” I say a bit wistfully while rubbing my hands together. “I went to the final gallery today.”
“You decided?”
“Yes. I hope she approves. The other plans are nearly in place, too.” Daisy’s going to participate in the public mural painting event soon. I’ll be ready for it.
Pulling my sleeping bag over my shoulders, I’m glad that there’s no rain in the forecast when I feel Luis touch my shoulder. “What you’re doing… Do you know how many lives you’ll touch? Elyse would be very proud of you.”
That’s the second time he’s said my mother’s name tonight. “I’m the money. Tina and Hadley are doing much of the leg work for me.”
“Money is a huge part of anything like this. And, I don’t think you’re giving yourself enough credit. I saw the plans. This will impact everyone who lives here.”
“Did Fisher say something? You all seemed fine with the idea.”
“We are fine with it but your wife-”
“I know. I still need to talk to Daisy.”
It’s her home, too, and I’m planning on that next. I’ve just been busy the past few days and trying to consider how I’ll handle it if Daisy doesn’t miss my face more than she misses it and decides what we had is beyond repair.
Gazing up at the stars, I feel closer to the earth than I have in… ever. I feel closer to my past, too. “Luis, may I ask… Did you love my mother?” The darkness helps me ask such a personal question of my gardener but I’ve wondered for a long while.
He takes a full minute to answer but he does answer me at last. “Yes, I did.”
“Did she know? Did she love you, too?”
“I never said the words and neither did she.”
That makes me terribly sad. “Why not?”
“She had a son to raise and she knew your grandfather would never approve. I knew my role.”
“Who cared what he thought?”
“We all cared what he thought. You did, too.”
Yes, we all did, for better or worse. “I’m sorry that it never…”
“I enjoyed the time we spent talking. I enjoyed our walks. It was enough to be her friend and say she was mine. Your mother was a wonderful lady.”
“It was a lonely life for her here. I’m glad she had you, simply in friendship if not more.”
“Elyse never felt lonely when we were out here watching you play. The way her whole face would light up, I enjoyed watching her watch you. She loved you so much.”
“She never got to enjoy her youth after my father… she stayed here for me when she might’ve found happiness with you, she put up with all of them just for me.”
“She never saw it as a sacrifice. You were her pride and joy.”
“I don’t see how I could ever have been enough.”
“But, you were. Love isn’t like money. It doesn’t keep accounts. It’s just love. We feel it and sometimes it guides us where we’re meant to go. Can you think of anything else that truly makes our lives worth living if not love?”
No, I can’t.
For so long, I tried to pretend I didn’t need or want it in my life. For so long, I was a fool. Whether it’s romantic, familial or in friendship, I will never try to shut love out of my heart again.