Chapter 14
John Fitzwilliam watched as they lowered his wife’s casket into the impossibly deep hole in the family gravesite. He would never get used to this, no matter how many times he saw it. His mind was in chaos, not knowing how to feel or what to think.
Three months ago, his world had been turned upside down when it was discovered that his wife, Natalie, was not completely barren.
She was with child. Not only was she with child, but she was three months into the process before it was discovered.
Both of them were so used to the idea that she could not carry children that neither of them had recognized her symptoms for what they were.
Unfortunately, the doctor that pronounced the pregnancy also said that the anomalies in her body which made them originally think she was barren also made it impossible for her to carry the child to term.
On top of that, it was very likely that when the child did come, she would suffer grave, likely deadly, injuries.
In his concern for his wife, John completely ignored the fact that her child could not possibly be his.
It did not matter to him in the slightest. What concerned him was that Natlie had been given what nearly amounted to a death sentence.
While she might survive this, there was a good chance she would not.
Though he no longer felt any romantic attraction to Natalie, they had been married for more than seven years. He was responsible for her, and that included seeing to her happiness as much as possible.
For three months, he gave her everything she asked for and did everything she wanted.
He bought her chocolate bonbons as often as she wished and fresh flowers every single day.
He acquired a set of emerald jewelry that cost over a hundred pounds, simply to see her smiling with delight as she placed the tiara on her head.
She handled her circumstances admirably.
They kept the situation secret from society and even from most of their family.
Only John and Natalie’s maid knew that she often cried herself to sleep at night.
During the day, she was the consummate socialite she had always been, accepting congratulations on her pregnancy with a smile on her face.
Unfortunately, it all ended exactly as the doctor had predicted. The babe arrived three months early, obviously not surviving. Unfortunately, Natalie did not survive either.
John was confused, because the love he thought he had lost early in their marriage had sprung up again in these last few months.
Only this time, it was not based on admiration for her beauty and wit, nor was it based on attraction.
Rather he admired her strength. Additionally, there was something about the process of caring for someone else wholly and completely that simply caused love to grow.
It wasn’t a romantic love. Yet it had been real, and he was genuinely distressed to lose her.
~~~~~
John spent the next two months at his estate, drowning his regrets in work, though he wasn’t particularly good at it.
He had his father’s ineptitude when it came to keeping his books.
He was so bad at it that his own secretary, Mr. Smith, would get angry at him every time he attempted it, saying that it always took him weeks to correct them any time John spent a single hour at it.
In this case, however, John needed the distraction more than he needed his books to be accurate.
After two weeks, John had eventually made such a mess of things that his secretary locked him out of his study, claiming that it would take him a year to fix the books. John just laughed and did not apologize, but he did stop trying to interfere.
He switched his attention to riding his estate, instead. Over a period of a month or more, he investigated every field and every fence to see if there was anything that needed attention. Never mind the fact that his very capable steward did this on a regular basis.
Of course, John did not find anything that needed to be done, but the search itself had taken enough time that he was finally over the worst of his sorrow by the time he completed his task.
He was tired of being alone. It was time to return to London. Perhaps the busyness of the Season would help him forget. At the very least, his responsibilities in parliament would take up his time and attention.
He arrived at his London house in the middle of January.
It took him a week or more to become at least a little accustomed to the fact that Natalie was no longer there to manage his household.
Only now that she was gone did he realize how truly excellent she had been at everything she attempted, including housekeeping.
He did not miss her sharp tongue, but he missed everything else.
With time and effort, John gradually eased back into London society and politics.
Towards the end of January, he even agreed to attend a ball at Lady Castleton’s home.
Normally, he would stick to card parties and avoid balls like the plague, but Lord and Lady Castleton were among his favorite people to play whist with, and he would have felt incredibly guilty declining their invitation.
He arrived a little late, too late to greet his host and hostess at the door since they had already gone in to start the dancing. John wandered around the ballroom for a bit, watching the dancers and looking to see if any of his friends were there.
One of the first people he noticed was Darcy standing on the sidelines next to his wife, who was speaking to a friend nearby. “I didn’t know you would be here this evening,” John said to his cousin.
“The reverse also holds true,” said Darcy. “To be frank, I wasn’t certain you would feel up to attending such festivities just yet.”
“I am not certain either,” said John. “But I felt I had to try. Simply rattling around the house by my lonesome isn’t helpful, so I have been attempting to get out and about.
” John did not wish to discuss his mourning any further.
He felt he said enough about it simply by the fact that he wore a black armband.
“So, tell me what you are doing here. I thought you disliked balls intensely.”
“I don’t dislike them,” said Darcy slightly defensively. “I just see no need for them now that I am quite happily married. Tonight, however, I am here for Georgiana. I suppose that I am also here for Elizabeth’s sister. She is spending the season with us.”
John suddenly felt as if someone had slid a cold snowball down the back of his shirt. With a sense of foreboding, he asked, “Which sister?”
“That would be Mary,” said Darcy. “She has improved a great deal over the last few years. She and Georgiana became quite good friends when we visited Longbourn this past Christmas, so Georgiana asked if we could invite her to stay with us for the Season.”
“I see,” said John. He wasn’t certain whether to attempt to bolt from the room in order to avoid meeting her again or seek her out.
In the two years since he had last seen Miss Bennet, he had thought of her often, usually with fondness tinged with regret.
He tried not to linger on the thoughts too much, but when Natalie had been particularly harsh or unpleasant, he couldn’t help but wonder what might have been if he had met Miss Bennet first.
It was a pointless daydream. Miss Bennet was too young. She would have been only sixteen when he married Natalie, and by her own account, she would have been a very different young lady from the one he knew.
Without realizing that he had made the decision to stay, John’s eyes wandered over the dancers, looking to see if she was among them.
Now that he knew she might be there, she was not difficult to spot. She was dancing with Lord Sansbury. Her features had not altered much in the intervening years, but her expression and manners were quite different from what he remembered.
Whereas before, she had been polite and civil in company, now she was friendly and smiling. In fact, she was so good at appearing open and cheerful that for a moment, John thought that perhaps she found her dance partner interesting or even attractive.
That couldn’t be true, however. John knew Lord Sansbury was obsessed with his dogs and his hunting, and he couldn’t often speak of much else, while Miss Bennet was well-informed on almost every subject except those.
As he watched her more closely, he realized that she had simply adopted a more friendly mask.
He was reminded that her serious expressions and polite demeanor had been a mask that hid a storm of strong emotions and an exceedingly active and curious mind.
He assumed that she had simply learned to create a more pleasing mask, and he hoped that the person beneath the mask was still the same incredibly interesting creature.
He was reminded of a couple of their conversations on honesty and how she was adamant that public honesty was impossibly risky. It seemed as though she had not changed her stance on that subject.
Darcy must have noticed that he was watching Miss Bennet, for he said, “I admit, she isn’t as pretty as her other sisters, but she is definitely the most accomplished of the family.”
His cousin’s observation annoyed John. Without thinking, he said, “You are wrong, my friend. She is beautiful.”
Out of the corner of his eye, John saw Darcy stare at him. “You must be looking at the wrong lady. I forgot that you haven’t met her before. Miss Mary is the one dressed in blue, dancing with Lord Sansbury.”
Irritation bubbled up even stronger. He wanted to tell Darcy that he would recognize Miss Bennet anywhere, but he kept his mouth shut. He was not yet certain if she would want anyone to know that they had met before or how much of a relationship she would admit to. “I see,” he said.
When the dance was over, Lord Sansbury escorted Miss Bennet over to where they were standing.
He saw the very moment she recognized him.
Her eyes widened, and there was a brief pause in her pace.
By the time she was close enough to speak, however, she had schooled her features back into a pleasant smile.
Lord Sansbury thanked her for the dance, said a brief hello to John and Darcy, and scampered off to find his next dance partner.
As soon as he was gone, Darcy said, “John, may I present Miss Mary Bennet, my wife’s sister. Mary, this is my cousin, Lord Matlock.”
Miss Bennet curtseyed deeply and said, “Honestly, my Lord, it is a pleasure to meet you.”
With her emphasis on honestly, he knew she was referring to their chats from two years ago. He also knew she was chiding him for lying to her about who he was.
Before he could speak, she seemed to notice his black armband. “Are you in mourning?” she asked.
“Yes,” he answered. “For my wife.”
“Your…wife? Were you married long?”
“Almost eight years.”
John felt a stab of guilt as he watched her realize that, not only had he lied about who he was, but he had lied with his actions about the fact that he was married.
Her eyes grew wide in surprise, and as he watched her expression, he noticed a deep pain surface from within them.
“My condolences,” she said eventually.
“Thank you,” he said. “Miss Bennet, I wonder if I might have your next available dance.”
She opened her mouth to respond. John was nearly certain that she would refuse him. Then she glanced at Darcy and sighed slightly in seeming defeat. “I would be honored, my Lord,” she said in a flat emotionless voice. She held out her dance card for him to sign.
He signed for her second dance just as Georgiana came up to the group. “Ah, I see you have met my cousin,” said Georgiana to Miss Bennet.
“Yes, though not for the first time,” said Miss Bennet. “We met a few times when he visited Hertfordshire a couple of years ago.”
“I was unaware you had ever been there,” said Georgiana.
“It was just after my father died,” explained John. “I felt the need of some country air and solitude. Unfortunately for the inhabitants of that neighborhood, I chose to use a pseudonym while I was there in order to achieve said solitude.”
He watched for Miss Bennet’s response to his explanation even though he was ostensibly speaking to Georgiana, but he could not tell if she understood why he had done what he did.
The truth was that, no matter what name he used, he had been married when he kissed her.
That was the lie that hurt her the most. He was certain of that.
“Well, I certainly hope you did not feel importuned by the ladies of the neighborhood while you were seeking solitude, my Lord,” said Miss Bennet.
“I never felt importuned,” he said fervently. “Only very, very welcome.”
Miss Bennet searched his face in the same way she had done many times in Hertfordshire, seeking he knew not what. He was relieved when she smiled slightly and said, “I am glad.”