Chapter 15
Mary could not believe she was dancing with Mr. Porter. Not only had she promised herself that she would never dance in public with him, but she had honestly believed she would never even see him again.
What was even worse was that he wasn’t Mr. Porter after all. He was Mr. Darcy’s cousin, The Earl of Matlock.
Mary wished with all her heart she could run away from this situation.
Despite what others believed, she had not truly changed at all in the past two years.
She had only learned to let out an acceptable amount of emotion instead of hiding it all.
The control it took to do so, however, was enormous, making her exhausted at the end of any social engagement.
Faced with a reunion with the man she had once loved above all men, she did not feel confident in the least that she would be able to maintain her carefully curated facade.
As they began to dance, he said, “I have missed you a great deal, Miss Bennet.”
Despite all her intentions of keeping her heart locked away from him, Mary was warmed by his words. However, she could not allow his deception to go unremarked. “You had the company of your wife, my Lord. You had no right to be missing any lady.”
“If that lady was a dear friend, I believe it would be entirely appropriate to miss her,” said Lord Matlock.
Mary kept her smile in place but only just. “You certainly treat your friends with a great deal more familiarity than I would, my Lord. On the other hand, I can freely admit that I never considered you a friend.”
The words may have sounded harsh, but they were true nonetheless. Not at any point in the time she knew him did she consider him a friend. He was always the man she loved dearly and the man who was destined to break her heart.
Lord Matlock looked disappointed for a few moments as though he felt the sting of rejection from her words. However, his features gradually shifted to a more contemplative expression as he seemed to understand the meaning of her words.
They were silent for a time. When the dance brought them closer together, he said quietly but intensely, “I am sorry that I hurt you.”
Mary had been fairly successful at hiding her heartbreak from her family and her friends after Mr. Porter’s departure, but it still had hurt her abominably for months.
She couldn’t count the number of times she had cried herself to sleep.
At the same time, she couldn’t deny that her experience with him had taught her a level of confidence she never could have achieved on her own.
Since he left Hertfordshire, she had learned how to be much more of what she wanted to be without descending to the outright selfishness she had shown before.
Simply knowing that she was not the last and the least, the plainest and most boring, had given her courage to step forth into her proper place in her local society.
All of that didn’t change the fact that he had hurt her though. He had deliberately courted her affection by asking to meet her alone while he knew he could not truly reciprocate since he was married. It didn’t change the fact that he had left her alone without even saying farewell.
Lord Matlock was dangerous to Mary in more ways than one, and she refused to be hurt again.
Instead of responding to his apology, Mary said, “Tell me more of your hobbies, my Lord. If I recall, you were quite an avid card player. Is that still the case?”
He hesitated to answer, seeming to wish to continue their emotionally charged conversation.
In the end, he gave in to her wishes. “I do still enjoy a card game very much. I don’t have as much time to play as I have previously with my duties in Parliament taking up most of my days, but I take every opportunity.
As for my other hobbies, there isn’t much.
I like riding, though I’m not much of a hunter.
Beyond that, I suppose I spend whatever free time I have reading. ”
“Do you still study plants?” she asked. The moment the question was out of her mouth, she chastised herself. She was trying to move away from reminiscences, but that question was quite loaded with them.
“I find that I don’t enjoy that study quite as much on my own,” he said. “Ever since I lost my study companion a couple of years ago, the topic has been difficult to focus on. Mostly, I read novels and travelogues.”
Mary knew Lord Matlock was referring to her when he mentioned the loss of his study partner, but she said nothing about it. “I, myself, have picked up a few travelogues over the last couple of years. Tell me which ones you’ve read.”
Their conversation smoothed out as they discussed distant places and strange cultures. Mary knew that such comfortable conversation was when he was most dangerous to her, but she could not simply ignore him for an entire dance set.
Sure enough, by the end of the set, Mary felt her old fascination with Mr. Porter, now Lord Matlock, settle in her mind. She could not deny that he was as charming, interesting, and attractive as he had always been.
For her own sake, however, she desperately hoped he would avoid her as much as possible. As out of reach as Mr. Porter was two years ago, Lord Matlock was ten times worse.
And Mary did not wish to suffer such an intense heartbreak again.
The rest of that ball was quite pleasant for Mary.
She and Georgiana conversed between sets, comparing notes on the various gentlemen they danced with.
Of the dozen sets that night, Mary danced for nine of them.
Granted, most of her partners had asked her simply because Mr. Darcy had introduced them, but it was still quite pleasant to be occupied for a good portion of the evening.
When she arrived back at Darcy House at the end of the day, she was fortunately utterly exhausted, which made it easy to fall asleep despite the fact that Lord Matlock’s face seemed determined to invade her thoughts.
~~~~~
As the season progressed, Mary was grateful that Georgiana was relatively shy.
Because of this, they did not have nearly as many social engagements as many of their acquaintances.
It was usually two or three per week. With them spaced out as they were, Mary had time to rest and recover between each one so that she could maintain the pleasant demeanor she was becoming known for.
Mary spent most of her mornings in company with Georgiana, occasionally shopping but often sitting in the parlor, each of them occupied with some sewing or crafting project. The two of them sometimes chatted and sometimes were silent as they focused on their work.
About half the time, they were joined by Elizabeth, but she was often busy with housekeeping, visiting her own friends, or with her children. When she found the time, however, Elizabeth was quite adept at adding a certain liveliness to their chats.
Mary had never known another lady who was so relaxing to be around as Georgiana. The two young ladies had much in common, such as a love of music, reading, and plants, so conversation topics were not difficult to come by.
They also received any callers, both male and female, together. Mary found Georgiana’s status to be a support to her, feeling as though she could hide behind the more prominent but younger lady. Georgiana, on the other hand, claimed that Mary’s confidence and serenity gave her courage.
Though Mary’s studies suffered, she did not mourn their temporary loss.
She was certain she would come back to them once she returned home.
In the meantime, there was plenty of opportunity to read in the evening.
Mr. Darcy was more generous with candles than Mary’s father had been, so she often spent a few hours after dinner in the library.
There was a far greater variety of books there than could be found at Longbourn, and Mary found herself reading every travelogue, every world history book, and every biography she could find.
Given the sheer number of them, she suspected that she would not be able to read them all even in the four months she expected to stay there.
One morning, about two weeks after Mary’s arrival in London, the two young ladies were sitting together as usual.
“I have been meaning to thank you, Georgiana,” said Mary, breaking a silence that had lasted for ten minutes or more. “Not only am I grateful for your invitation to join you in London this season, but I am enormously grateful that you are not excessively busy with entertainments.”
Georgiana looked up from her work, doubt written clearly on her features. “Are you certain? I had assumed that we were too boring for you. I was even considering accepting a few more invitations so that you wouldn’t have to spend so many evenings reading by yourself.”
Anxiety arose within Mary at the idea that her limited reading time might be even more limited.
“There is no need for that, I assure you,” she said quickly.
“Though you continue to claim that I am far mor successful in society than you, it is not something that comes naturally or easily for me. The few days we have between events is essential.”
“I feel the same,” said Georgiana. “However, you always seem so happy and animated when we are out, far more so than when we are at home. I assumed you enjoyed it and that sitting with me in the mornings like this was boring.”
“Not in the least,” said Mary. “This quiet time is far more pleasant to me than dealing with the crowds of people at a ball or a dinner party.”
“I don’t understand how you can appear so cheerful in social situations if you aren’t actually enjoying yourself,” said Georgiana. “I genuinely try, but I can’t count the number of times I’ve heard others call me spiritless or boring when they think I can’t hear them.”
“It is because I am not pretending,” said Mary.
“I appear cheerful, because I am cheerful. I do enjoy meeting new people and conversing with others. I learn so much about the world around me in the process. However, like you, I do not enjoy the crowds or the chaos. When I am chatting with a person, I do my best to ignore everything else so that it does not become overwhelming.”
“I see,” said Georgiana. “I shall try that. I don’t know if it will help me as much as it has helped you, though. You are far more accomplished than I am.”
“Accomplishments mean nothing,” said Mary more forcefully than she meant to.
After a pause, she clarified. “They are not worthless. Everything you learn gives you something new to discuss with others. However, simply having accomplishments does not automatically make a person interesting. The confidence you see, which I certainly don’t, is likely simply a matter of practice.
I am certain you are more confident now than when you first came out. ”
“I suppose,” said Georgiana. “But it is difficult to be truly confident when you can hear others making fun of you.”
“All I can say is to do your best to ignore them. Focus on the person in front of you and getting to know them, and ignore everything else. It is easier said than done. Just remember that the kind of ladies who would whisper such things within your hearing are the kind of ladies who would do the same to anyone.”
“You have a point,” said Georgiana. “I have even heard those same ladies criticize Elizabeth, and anyone would agree that she is one of London’s best hostesses.”
“She is, indeed,” said Mary. “Even before she married your brother, she was the perfect balance of witty, friendly, and intelligent, all qualities of the best guests and the best hosts.”
“It is a shame she doesn’t throw more parties,” said Georgiana.
“You wish for more entertainment at home?” asked Mary in surprised.
“Not precisely,” said Georgiana. “I was simply thinking that it was a waste of talents.”
“How often does Elizabeth throw a party?” asked Mary.
“It varies from year to year,” said Georgiana.
“In her first season here in London she threw a ball, two dinner parties, a soiree, and a card party, but the next season we only had a couple of dinner parties, and those were small. I suppose it was likely because Alex was born shortly before the beginning of the season.”
“Do you know if she is planning anything this year?”
“As far as I know there is nothing particularly grand planned,” said Georgiana. “She is holding a card party next Wednesday.”
“Oh, I do like playing cards,” said Mary.
Georgiana smiled. “Yes, I have seen how you seem to forget everything else when you are playing whist.”
“I admit, it is a bit of a weakness of mine,” said Mary. “I hope I haven’t been rude to anyone, though.”
“No need to worry,” said Georgiana. “I am quite used to it. My cousin, John, is the same way.”
Mary had no response to this statement. After all, Georgiana’s cousin, John, was the Earl of Matlock, and Mary was quite familiar with the way he played cards.