Chapter 15
ETHAN
I stare at Dante while I’m straddling his lap with a semi pressing against his stomach.
“Did you actually just say what I think you said?” I blink at him as I try to catch my breath. I’ve leaned back from him, our lips no longer close to touching.
Dante leans in closer and his arms, so strong and warm, envelop me even tighter. “Pledge yourself to me and my family,” he repeats. “Then they’ll accept you and you’ll be safe forever.”
My entire body is flushed warm and my heart is racing, but it’s no longer just because of arousal.
“I…Dante,” I mumble as I stare into his face. His dark, stormy blue eyes tell me he’s serious. A sudden fear crosses over me, anxiety creeping up my spine, and my mouth feels dry.
Even so, there’s a part of me that feels ignited with a fire that urges me to say yes.
“I can’t,” I blurt out.
Dante’s shoulders fall a bit and his grip on me loosens, but only just. “Why?”
I take a slow breath. “It’s too soon. I’m not ready,” I admit. “I’m scared.”
“You’ve nothing to be afraid of, angel,” he whispers to me as his hand brushes a soft tuft of my hair behind my ear. “I want you to be mine, in all ways.”
I swallow hard. “I know. I’m just not ready yet.”
The nervous tension in the air grows thicker. It’s difficult not to worry that Dante might not accept my answer.
His eyes dart to my lips, then back up to my eyes. “I’ll wait. As long as it takes.”
Relief floods through me, and I lean forward and press my forehead against his.
“I’ve never felt like this about anyone before, but I don’t want to rush into it,” I whisper to him. “I don’t want you to do this because your father is threatening you.”
Dante sighs. “As long as I have you and I can keep you safe, nothing else matters.”
“You have me,” I assure him. “A blood pact doesn’t make it more meaningful.”
I feel him bristle underneath me. “To my family it does.”
“And to you?” I ask. “Does it mean more to you?”
“You ask that like it’s a bad thing. It’s tradition. It’s…all I’ve ever known,” he reminds me.
I frown and slowly start to slide off his lap, but Dante pulls me back. “No. Don’t go.”
I close my eyes as he rubs his nose against mine. “I’m not. I don’t understand the ritual or why it’s so important to you, but you’ve become so incredibly important to me in such a short amount of time. It’s not off the table. I’m just not ready yet.”
“You’re my angel, Ethan.” Dante slides his hand to my lower back and draws me closer and firmer against him. His palm against my bare back makes me shiver.
“My crow, my master,” I whisper.
The next two weeks go by quicker than I expected, especially considering that studying for exams is the most grueling process there is.
It’s not as bad as usual, because Dante has been studying with me.
It’s not something he’s typically known for, but apparently he’s more interested in school than he used to be.
I do wonder if that has to do with me, but my ego doesn’t need to get bigger than his.
“Actually, my father put a boot in my ass to focus on school a few weeks ago,” Dante admits when I bring the subject up.
“Really?” I ask over my shoulder as I sit at my desk. He’s on my bed with his own work laid out around him. “I’m surprised you actually listened.”
“Yeah, well, it was that or have him an’ all of my teachers riding me about it until who knows when. Plus, if I pass, the less time I gotta be here.” He flips a page in obvious annoyance.
“I see…so it has nothing to do with me?” I ask him with a brow raised and a smirk on my face. I’ve been smiling and smirking a lot more over the last couple of weeks.
Dante gives me that look, the one that says he would much rather be naked in my bed than studying in it. “I didn’t say that.”
I laugh softly. “Honestly, it’s been really nice hanging out with you, even studying,” I tell him. “Nathan is a good study partner, but he seems distracted lately.”
“Are you sure you aren’t the distracted one?” Dante asks with a smirk of his own.
“I might be.” I shrug, my face feeling hot. The way he’s looking at me from across the small room makes my stomach just as warm. “Regardless, this feels nice, even if there are guards following me everywhere we go.”
“That should end soon,” he promises me.
“I can’t believe the negotiations are still ongoing,” I say with a sigh. “Do you know if it’s leaning one way or the other yet?”
“It’s not lookin’ good, but it’s not over yet.” Dante tosses his pen onto the bed.
My brow furrows. I shift away from my laptop to look at him more directly. “What you’re saying is that the chances of you getting hurt are high.”
“If my father decides to break the door down and leave no one alive, yeah.”
Dante’s jaw and shoulders tighten.
“Can you get the children out of there preemptively? If things seem like they aren’t going to end peacefully?”
“Doin’ that could cause the shit to hit the fan,” he explains.
I get up from my desk and crawl onto the bed around his papers and books to sit beside him. “Let me help.”
“No.” The way he says it is final, matter-of-fact.
That won’t stop me from trying.
“There has to be something I can do, Dante.” I lean against his shoulder.
He looks down at me. “Even if there was, my father would never let you. You’re not part of this.”
“I’m part of you , though,” I remind him, my brow furrowing.
“I care about you. We’ve spent the last two weeks together almost every single day.
I know how your mother died; I know all of your favorite things.
I know that you can’t stand any kind of skating, and you know…
well, you know that my first kiss was with my step-cousin Mary.
” I say the last part in a mumble while rubbing my neck. “I think that makes me part of this.”
Dante sighs and pulls away from me.
“What?” I ask.
“You’re not bound to us, to me, by the ritual and by blood,” he tells me. “To them you’re nothing until you pledge your loyalty.” Dante’s gaze shifts away from me.
My heart sinks into my stomach. I’ve been doing my best not to think about the ritual over the last few weeks, to focus on studying, getting to know him, and processing the fact that I’m gay and my boyfriend is in the mafia.
Now it’s right in front of me.
“To them?” I ask. “Or to you?”
Dante doesn’t answer me. My stomach suddenly aches.
“I’m your boyfriend. Does that mean nothing?”
Dante scoffs. “I dunno. What does it mean to you? We don’t go out together, and the only person who knows about us outside of my family is Nathan. You don’t want anyone else to know. So what does it mean?”
I blink at him. My throat tightens. “I’m still figuring it out, Dante. You’ve known for years that you were gay and came out a long time ago. Do you really expect me to have it all figured out and be ready in a month?”
Dante shakes his head. “No, I don’t. But the reality is that if you wanna be part of my world, if you wanna do something about all of this, you can’t until you’re bound by blood. Until my family sees that you’re serious.”
“Until you see that I’m serious,” I whisper in response. “Shouldn’t committing myself to you be enough?”
“In my family, the ritual is commitment,” he explains, his voice getting rougher.
My hands curl into fists and I slide off the bed. “Don’t pressure me.”
“I’m not fucking pressuring you,” he insists as he finally looks at me, meeting my gaze. “I’m telling you how it is. You don’t wanna do the ritual, fine, but then you’re not part of this.”
“Maybe I don’t want to be part of it!” I blurt out.
Dante stands up, his body even more tense than my own. Shock gleams in his eyes, but it seems like he’s trying to keep his face as calm as possible.
“Then maybe you shouldn’t be,” he replies.
I shake my head, surprised at myself for saying that. “No, Dante. I-I just need time. Exams are right around the corner; I’ve got a lot on my plate. Your world, your family, is new to me. It’s scary.”
“You’re right, it is a lot. Maybe you should take some time,” Dante agrees.
I sigh in relief.
“Without me.”
I gasp, suddenly flooded with anxiety. “What?”
“You want space. Isn’t that what you’re asking for?” he asks. “Space to process?”
“I need time to process, but I don’t want you to go anywhere. Why would you say that?”
The tension in the room is so thick that it hurts to breathe.
Dante doesn’t answer, just takes a breath and shakes his head.
Frustration flares hot in my chest. “Fine. If you want to go, then go. You got me into this.”
“You agreed to it,” Dante growls at me.
“You stalked me! You followed me around and got under my skin until I couldn’t take it anymore, until I realized that I’m a fucking faggot and—” I stop as I realize what I’ve said.
Dante stares at me. “I never made you do anything, but I sure as hell see how you feel now.” He grabs his things off the bed and shoves them into his bag.
“Wait,” I say, but he’s already storming out. “I don’t even understand what’s happening right now. All I want to do is help you!”
“You can help by figuring out what the fuck you want. You don’t wanna do the ritual, you don’t have to, but I’m not gonna be with you in secret anymore, Ethan.”
I follow him out of my room, but it’s too late. I can’t get anything out of my mouth or do anything to stop him as he disappears out the door.
It takes a moment for me to realize what’s happened.
Did we just break up?
I feel numb. For a solid sixty seconds, anyway. I slowly walk back to my bedroom and sit on the end of the bed, then stare at the floor.
Then it feels like a hole is being drilled straight through my chest. Tears stream down my face and I try to wipe them away faster than they come, but to no avail. One breath turns into twenty breaths in one, and my head spins.