Chapter 15 #2
“What the fuck just happened?!” I sob to myself.
Ten minutes ago, I was happy. Things weren’t perfect, but it felt so good to finally know who I am and have my boyfriend studying with me.
No feeling like I was pretending, or like something was wrong with me.
Knowing that after studying we’d end up in my bed touching each other’s bodies and I wouldn’t feel terrified of it.
Now all of that was apparently over.
I can’t keep myself upright. I curl up on my side and cry into the bed, which still smells like Dante and me, a perfect mixture of both of us that can’t be recreated.
I’m nauseous. My head hurts. My chest hurts. I can’t stop trembling. This hurts more than losing my first girlfriend, more than losing Lena. More than anything has hurt in a very long time.
Time passes in a way that doesn’t make sense to me. It could be an hour, or twelve, I have no fucking idea, because I don’t leave my bed. My laptop sits untouched on my desk, fan whirring gently until the battery gets close to dead and the screen turns off to save it.
My room grows dark. Eventually I fall asleep, too tired to keep crying anymore, too tired to get up and do anything. I feel weak.
I feel like the biggest dick on the face of the planet…well, besides Dante.
I hate him.
I want him.
What have I gotten myself into?
When I finally wake up, my face is sticky, my nose stuffy, and my heart’s still aching. I don’t stay in bed, mostly because it reminds me too much of Dante. Instead, Nathan picks me up and we get some fried chicken and eat it in his car in my parking lot.
“I didn’t think I was hungry, but I needed this,” I admit as I wipe my greasy hands on a napkin.
I’m still sniffling and trying to keep my composure. I’ve already broken down once since we’ve been in the car, and I don’t want to make things worse.
“Yeah, man, you gotta take care of yourself,” Nathan tells me.
I take a shaky breath. “I can’t believe it’s over. I don’t understand.”
“Me either, honestly,” he mumbles. “What’s going on, Ethan?”
I bite at my lip and shake my head. “It’s a lot. It could put you in danger.”
“Shit. Then I really wanna know.” He turns in the driver’s seat to look at me as he sips from a mostly empty cup of soda.
I groan. “Fine. Dante’s family is the mafia, or in the mafia. There are several families in the city and state who are part of the mafia, but they all want control, so some of them are allied to each other, and others aren’t—” I’m rambling, but before I can get everything out, Nathan stops me.
“The fucking mafia? What? I mean, there are some rumors, but…damn, no wonder he was so intense with you and you’re so worked up,” he huffs out, staring at me.
“Right? It’s…wow, and I should be terrified and want nothing to do with Dante, but…I do,” I admit.
“You’re not scared?” he asks.
“I am, but more about him getting hurt, l-losing him…but I guess I already fucking did.” My breath catches in my throat and my eyes mist over. I clear my throat, trying to settle down.
“Okay, he’s in the mafia. You’re scared of him getting his ass killed. That doesn’t explain what happened today—why you’re a hot mess with your heart broken over him,” Nathan says.
I swallow hard. “I’m falling in love with him,” I blurt out.
“Uh. Wow. Ethan. Are you sure? This is happening real fast.” Nathan slowly puts another fry in his mouth. We look at each other via the streetlight a few feet away shining a faint glow through the car windows.
“I know, I know.” I swallow the lump in my throat. “But I can’t help it. I feel like I’ve been waiting my whole life to meet him.”
“Okay, so then what happened?” Nathan asks, tilting his head.
I look at him nervously. “His family will only take our relationship seriously if I pledge my loyalty to them and him via a blood ritual.”
Nathan drops the fry he’s about to put in his mouth. “Dude, what the fuck.”
“I know! I saw one, between Dante’s cousin and her fiancée. It was intense, but…Nathan, it also…made me feel things. Things I didn’t know I could feel.”
“What kind of things exactly? When did you see this?” he asks, his brow furrowing.
“A couple weeks ago. He took me to his house. I, uh…it felt exciting. Scary, but exciting,” I reply.
“Uhh. Damn. That seems to be your whole deal with him, scared but excited. Are you sure it’s not just your dick talking?” he asks slowly.
A few tears finally drip out of my eyes, and I wipe them away with the side of my hand. “No, I don’t think so. It’s about that, too, but he’s…God, Nathan, he’s so hot, and the things we’ve done…”
“What have you done?” he asks, suddenly looking more excited than worried.
I glare at him. “Oh, no, not telling you that.”
He sighs. “Fine. So you need to do the ritual, but you don’t want to? That’s the problem?”
“I think so. I feel like being his boyfriend should be enough,” I say. “Why should I have to do this ritual for our relationship to matter, for me to be a part of his world?”
Nathan eyes me. “I mean, it’s a freaky thing, but I guess…say, if Dante was Catholic, and you had to have a wedding in a Catholic church and do it all the traditional way of his family…would you do that?”
I blink and look out of the windshield. “I would…you know, I didn’t think of it that way.”
“Yeah, I mean, Catholics got some freaky shit going on too, you know. And there are people who think marriage isn’t needed at all, but they get married if it means a lot to their partner, ’cause it ain’t hurting anything.” He shrugs.
Something clicks into place in my head. “I guess it’s similar. It seems too dark to me, but not so silly when I think about it like a more well-known tradition.”
“Yeah, see? Not that I think you should do it,” he adds. “You should do whatever makes you happy. I want you to be safe, though.”
I nod slowly. The hole in my chest doesn’t feel as painful anymore.
“I need to think about it more. I’m not sure if Dante will even talk to me again.”
Nathan reaches over and touches my shoulder. “That guy is obsessed with you. Don’t worry about that.”