Chapter 11
Chapter Eleven
Lincoln
A sgard was a second home nestled in the Poconos Mountains that was the perfect place to relax. The night was calm, with a gentle, cool breeze that brushed against my skin, carrying the fresh scent of pine and mountain wildflowers. We were far enough up the mountainside that the air was crisp and clean almost as if the purity could heighten every sense.
Despite thoughts of what the girls were doing tingling at the back of my mind, I got lost in the sight of the sky above on the drive over. The vast expanse of deep, velvety black, studded with countless stars that seemed impossibly bright without the city lights to dim their brilliance. There wasn’t even a moon in the sky to detract from the twinkling glory.
It was a good call for us to come here and give the girls time and space to bond. We sat around the pool, the glass roof open to the sky. The lounge chairs around the pool had soft, plush cushions that cradled my body perfectly, allowing me to forget all my worries. The discrete staff had brought us all a glass of scotch to aid in finding peace. It was the kind of night that made me want to pause and simply soak in the moment, savoring the serenity and the beauty of the surroundings.
On weekdays, except for special events, there were rarely more than a few people present and the majority of them were staff. At Asgard, I could let go of the day-to-day worries and just be myself without judgments. It wasn’t that Zara was stressful but the situation surrounding her was. It didn’t help that neither Colin nor I knew where we stood with the beautiful woman. Plus, we still had to find the dick who had marred her beautiful face with a mottled display of bruises and make sure he was out of her life for good.
Traveling back and forth from the city to work on the case every day was insane even if we were using the helicopter to cut down the travel time. But some of the things I needed to do to track people required the computer resources I had at headquarters and were not easily moved. Colin was a good friend to travel with me even though he didn’t have to, but it was taking its toll on both of us. This needed to end.
“Why so glum, chum?” Jared teased. “I saw your lady love, and she is the perfect blend of sultry goddess and girl next door.”
Gabriel handed me a drink and sat back in his lounge chair. We often sat by the pool when we relaxed. It was funny because Asgard was massive and offered so many different spaces in which one could relax and reflect, but for us, it was always the water we sought to soothe our aching souls.
All three sets of eyes rested on me which made me want to leave and find the nearest surveillance booth and lose myself in an unnecessary upgrade of the system. Talking about emotions and expectations was difficult for me. It was probably why I loved shibari so much. I could turn on music and both my sub and I would lose ourselves in time. My focus was on the intricate detail of painting with my rope, with the sub as a canvas.
Colin liked talking. He would drive a woman crazy with whispered words using sensation play to push a subbie to the edge of subspace. He’d once brought a woman to orgasm just by lightly rubbing his hands across her body and talking dirty. So different, but together, we just worked as a team.
“Linc?” Jared reminded me that I was supposed to be talking to him.
“There is nothing wrong. Zara has just been avoiding us since… well, the other night.”
“Oh? Do tell.” Jared leaned in all keen eyes which reminded me very much of his alternate namesake, Loki, the god of mischief.
“She hasn’t been avoiding us. Zara just hasn’t been up for more play.” Colin was the eternal optimist. “Being with the two of us is intense, and we both know she enjoyed herself. Her life is also intense. She probably just needs time to wrap her head around things.”
Jared sat back and steepled his fingers. “Women are a bottomless well of contradictions.”
I couldn’t hold back my laughter. “Aren’t they just. Thing is, she seems to be holding back and I don’t know why.” My gaze slid to Colin to see if he had anything to add, but he remained silent. He’d been like that since Zara closed herself off, and I wondered what was going on in that head of his.
It wasn’t like Colin to close up about anything except our time in the service and his brother. Usually, he was an open and non-stop extrovert. Zara pulling away and him going quiet concerned me. What had they talked about? She’d been gone for a while and when she’d returned, she’d curled up in bed with me and fallen right to sleep. At the time, I’d thought it a good sign but since she hadn’t returned to either of our beds, I was starting to question that.
“My advice is, don’t leave her steeped in her thoughts too long. A mind when left to itself always thinks the worst,” Gabriel offered.
Jared, golf clapped. “I bow at your feet, oh wise one.” He teased Gabe every opportunity he got, but it had been him in the end who’d been able to get through to Gabe about his feelings for Rose, and had been with him when Rose had been kidnapped.
Our group of friends was settling down one by one, but I doubted Jared ever would. Though he was the best friend anyone could ask for, he never connected with anyone but us. That connection is what I’d wanted for years without ever knowing it. Zara had shown a light on a part of my heart I hadn’t known was there. I wanted what my friends had.
“You don’t bow at anyone’s feet, don’t be ridiculous,” Gabriel muttered. He wasn’t a man of words, but since Rose had come into his life I had noticed that our conversations no longer were focused solely on work or the club. Her vibrant personality must’ve been growing on him.
Jared looked amused. “True. But didn’t you go through something similar with Rose, Gabriel? She pulled away, yet you still won the fair maiden’s heart. Why don’t you share your methods with the class?”
I almost felt sorry for my boss and friend being put on the spot. Gabriel swirled his Lagavulin, the tinkling of the ice hitting the inside of the Glencairn crystal was mesmerizing,, and I found myself hypnotized by the sound. My eyes drifted to the water and I felt almost dreamlike, as if I was hovering and watching and listening to what happened around me, but wasn’t directly connected. I had these episodes a lot and knew they were brought on by stress or lack of sleep of which I was guilty of both. The cubes and crystal had lulled me there naturally which was an unusual occurrence.
I didn’t expect him to answer Jared’s needling demand, but eventually he spoke. “I shouldn’t have held back with Rose. I got in my own way.”
I don’t know what was more surprising, his answering or Colin sitting forward like he’d just heard a state secret. “How so?”
Gabe took a long draw on his scotch before answering. “I wanted our relationship to look a certain way, and when it didn’t, I held back and made her question us. That was a mistake.”
“Yeah, then he ran away like a little bitch, and I had to come to his rescue and make him see the error of his ways.” We all laughed at Jared’s comment, even Gabe who failed at trying to look pissed off.
“He isn’t wrong. You guys know how paranoid I am about security, and she was way too cavalier about her personal safety. At first, I thought if I removed her from her environment and into my building, then I’d have better control over her. You know Rose, she used the cameras as an opportunity to turn me on and it kinda backfired on me.”
“I can just see it now,” Jared commented, “she is also feisty, with little real fear and I admire her for that.”
I found myself nodding in agreement. Rose could hold her own. “How did you deal with it? When we pulled up to the safe house, I thought we’d lost you, man. You were gone, savage and primal in a way I hadn’t seen since we served.”
We didn’t talk about our time in the military, even though Gabriel’s was tame in comparison to ours. He’d lost his parents in a car accident. Their death, in his mind, could have been prevented if the right things had been implemented.
“I made her agree to the tracker and location app by also agreeing to give her access to mine. But since her kidnapping, she hasn’t given me a lick of trouble about my overly enthusiastic impulse for safety.”
I chuckled. “So we should have Zara kidnapped?”
“Worked for me.” Gabe shrugged. “But seriously, it is about making what you need clear and finding out what she needs in return.”
“It’s different for us,” Colin spoke, indicating to me in the us . “Zara comes from the wrong side of the tracks. Her instincts aren’t motivated by the same things you are talking about, Gabe. She is independent minded like Rose, but it comes from a survival-of-the-fittest mind set. I feel that, in the end, she will always choose her own path over us and honestly, I don’t want to be fighting her at every turn.”
So that is what had been bothering him. Nothing she had done had made me believe she was argumentative. Other than the one time she threatened to leave, she actually hadn’t fought us at all. I was more worried that I wouldn’t know what was going on in her head until it was too late.
“Did she say something I need to know about?” I asked.
“No, I’ve just been studying her history.” Colin mumbled his answer into his glass as he took a sip of it.
“I thought this was a group full of Doms?” Jared asked. “Since when are any of you incapable of asking and getting exactly what you want? The problem is separating real life and our chosen life. Colin, you have a lot to offer regardless of your crippling nightmares; deal with it and don’t let it hold you back. Linc, so you're not always emotionally available, so what? Deal with it and move on. That young woman wants you both, so make her yours and stop fussing about shit. Getting the woman you want isn’t hard if you just man up. Honestly, if being in love makes you this stupid, then I think I’ll avoid it forever.”
Holy shit! Anger welled up in me then quickly died. He hadn’t said anything that wasn’t true even if it was blunter than I would have preferred. Colin looked like he was struggling with the emotions, though his anger might be winning over reason. I put a hand on his shoulder and our eyes met.
We’d been friends since childhood and that meant words weren’t always necessary. I could see he was struggling with his feelings for Zara as much as I was. Fear is a deceptive and crippling emotion that often masquerades as logic. We both needed her to accept us for who we were and feared that she wouldn’t, so much so that we weren’t really trying to win her.
We’d use excuses and circumstances to justify holding back, but it was really fear of rejection. Was I in love with Zara? It was an overwhelming and paralyzing thought because deep down the answer was yes. Like standing in the doorway of a plane getting ready to jump out into the dark sky of night, all the things that could happen raced through my mind. Thing was, there was only one way forward. I had to jump.
Like back in my service days, the possible outcome was worth the risk. Zara was worth it. Having her laughter and quick mind in my life forever was worth whatever I had to do to make it happen. I wanted her sitting next to me in comfortable silence by the water as much as I wanted her screaming her pleasure out when she was pressed between the two of us.
My gaze found Colin’s and I saw my determination reflected there. This was a game changer and not just for me. If Zara was our forever, then Colin and I needed to find a way to get rid of Mihal, and if that meant taking on the Albanian mob, so be it.
“You say that now but when you do find your girl, I think I’m going to remind you how easy you think getting a woman is,” Colin challenged.
“Nope. Like I said, it’s never going to happen. I like my freedom and intelligence too much.” Jared leaned back and took a sip of his drink.
We all laughed. Someday, someone would take him down hard. We relaxed and talked about less stressful topics for a while until I couldn’t focus anymore for the need to get back and see if Zara and the other girls had bonded.
“Maybe we should head back,” I suggested.
“Good idea,” Both Gabe and Colin agreed.
“Do you think they’ve had a relaxing night too?” Colin asked.
Gabe and Jared’s laughter was a little too loud making me worry. What did women do when they had a night out?