29. Home for the Holidays #2
Q: Merry Christmas. I hope you’re having a good day.
That was it. That was all it said. She didn’t know if she was relieved or wanted to throw her phone across the room.
What the hell did it mean?! He was wishing her Merry Christmas but there was no indication of how he was feeling.
Was he doing it to be polite? Because he missed her?
Because he felt guilty that he was going to dump her in a few days?
“You okay, honey?” The couch shifted as Amy sat down next to her, concern all over her expression. Sam couldn’t help but wonder if part of the reason Amy had made the move was because she was trying to put some space between her and Kincaid, but Sam appreciated the support.
“Yeah… I mean, no… sorta... not really.”
“She and Q are having trouble because Sam interviewed for a job in Ohio without telling him.” Morgan’s matter-of-fact tone didn’t make Sam sound any better than she felt.
“I wasn’t going to take it.”
“Then why interview for it?” Kincaid asked, frowning at her. She knew he didn’t mean to make her feel worse, but if she could have gotten away with kicking him, she would have.
“I don’t know.” She’d been thinking about it ever since her argument with Q.
Why? Why, why, why? “I guess I just wanted to see if I could even get it. The cost of living is so much lower and… if I hadn’t started dating Q, I might have considered taking it.
No, that’s a lie, I think I would have taken it. ”
Even though she loved having friends, she was used to being alone.
Starting over and having to make new friends wouldn’t have been the worst thing in the world.
It would have sucked, and she would have missed them, but since having close friends was new to her, it wasn’t as though she would be doing something she’d never done before.
“So, you’re not going to take it now?” Amy asked, reaching out to take Sam’s hand. It felt supportive. Non-judgmental. Amy was good at being a sympathetic ear, and right now, Sam needed one. She kept her gaze averted from Kincaid, who was still frowning contemplatively.
“I haven’t told them no yet. It might depend on what happens with me and Q. We’re supposed to talk when he gets back from seeing his family later this week. That text was him wishing me Merry Christmas, so I guess he doesn’t hate me, even though I didn’t tell him about the job thing.”
“I would miss you, but I’m not mad at you for not telling me,” Morgan said, perching on the arm of the chair Kincaid was sitting in. He reached up to rub her back, the movement completely platonic despite how sexy Morgan was.
“You’re not dating her, sweetheart. It’s easier to keep a long-distance friendship going than a long-distance relationship. Q’s pretty firmly established here. I don’t know that he’d be willing to uproot himself.”
“I would never have asked him to,” Sam said quickly. Now she couldn’t avoid Kincaid’s gaze, and his eyebrows went up.
“You might not have asked, but what if he offered?”
No. She would have told him no because she wouldn’t have wanted him to leave everything behind. She wasn’t worth that. She was also smart enough not to say that out loud in front of a Dom. It sounded bad.
It sounds bad because it is bad. It sounds like you don’t value yourself the way you should… because you don’t.
Ouch.
“What does that expression mean?” Morgan asked, leaning forward. “You look like you just bit into something sour. Is something wrong with the eggnog?”
“The eggnog is delicious. I just realized something about myself that I don’t like very much.” Sam looked down at the eggnog to avoid having to look at anyone else. “I think I might need to work on my self-worth. I just realized I don’t feel worthy of Q.”
“Oh, honey. There’s no such thing as being ‘worthy’ of someone else. Is he not worthy of having the woman he’s chosen?” Amy’s voice was all sympathy, but her words were almost brutal in their impact.
More ouch.
“Yeah but… it’s just hard. He’s a lot more well off than me.
I’m struggling.” There. She’d admitted it out loud, and it wasn’t as hard as it would have been a week ago.
Maybe because she was also struggling from the loss of Q, and she’d rather lose her pride than him.
“A job that pays more in an area that costs less, where I wouldn’t have to worry about money all the time…
it sounds amazing. I just want to be his equal. ”
“Not making as much money as him doesn’t mean you’re not equal.
” Morgan’s voice was full of sympathy as well, but it was also matter of fact in the way she got when she was repeating something from therapy.
“Everyone brings something different to the relationship. Unless he’s holding financial stuff over your head. ”
“No. He would never do that. He likes to pay for things, but he never makes me feel bad about it.” She did that all on her own. Sighing, she rubbed her forehead. “I meant I don’t want him taking care of me.”
“Why not?” Morgan frowned, confused. “Everyone takes care of me. It’s nice. It means they care about me.”
Sam opened her mouth. Closed it. Everyone was looking at her expectantly. Amy raised her eyebrows.
She couldn’t think of a single thing to say to counter Morgan’s argument that wouldn’t sound abhorrently bitchy. Because Morgan was right. Everyone took care of her. And Morgan accepted it happily because for so long no one had cared about her.
What did it say about Sam that she had so many people who cared, and she wouldn’t accept help from any of them?