Chapter 19 #2
His large hands slam down on their shoulders, both flinching for a second. “These are Grant’s siblings. Billie and Locke.” They wave when their names are called but stay silent.
From my interactions with the McCarthys, they’ve never acted like this. Locke is quiet but never hangs his head. Especially when I’m sure Keller has taught him to keep it high in case someone is watching.
Billie has only ever been energetic and sociable. Apart from my mom’s funeral, I think this is the longest I’ve seen her go in silence.
The air is growing increasingly awkward. I’m not sure what to say or how to mediate this. I know Liliana better than these three people combined, and if I had it my way, they wouldn’t know her at all.
She waves back and smiles, strained.
“Hi.” Lily turns her attention to Locke. “We’ve met, actually.”
“Oh, you two know each other?” Keller asks, glancing between them and then at me, like I’d answer any of his questions about Lily.
Over my dead body.
“He comes to the café I work at sometimes. Ran into Grant and I there together.” I want to stop her from giving any more information, but I know it’d paint her in a rude light. My hatred for Keller isn’t worth that.
And even if I don’t want to admit it, I’d feel at least a little guilty. I just ran hundreds on my father’s card for her. Not that he’ll notice, or that it’ll be a dent on the millions he rakes in, but the principal is still there. My mother raised me better than that.
“Locke.” Thin fingers push his glasses up the arch of his nose when he looks at our father. “You didn’t tell me you ran into Grant.”
The shopping bags nearly slide off my wrists, and I fumble to hold them.
Locke didn’t tell him he ran into me? He didn’t tell Keller that I was suspiciously alone the first time he walked into Caramel that he means so little to me, he’s unable to pull anything out of me that isn’t bare bones.
But when he extends the invite to Lily, as Locke’s date, my jaw drops and I’m stepping between the two of them.
“The hell if she’s going to some sort of McCarthy get together with anyone other than me.” I fling the words at him laced with my pent-up spite and anger.
I’ve never gotten this close to him before. We’re the exact same height, perfectly eye-to-eye, and I hate that I share anything in common with him.
Green eyes that I know are direct copies of mine crinkle in a smile.
“Great. So you’ll come, and bring Liliana with you?”
Fuck.
My fists tighten, knuckles cracking. I walked straight into his trap.
With Lily right next to me, there’s no excuse I can make. No claim that she’s unable to attend, or that I forgot it was happening.
I hate my father. Hate that he’s only fitted me into the spots of his life where he wants me to be, and even if I resist, he finds a way to make it work for himself.
When it feels like my fingers can’t dig any further into my palm, there’s a force pulling them apart. From my peripherals, Lily is putting on a half-genuine smile while slipping her hand into mine.
“We’ll be there.” She nods. The confirmation makes me sick, but her thumb drawing hearts into my skin eases the pain. “Thank you for inviting me.”
“Of course. Wouldn’t want to exclude the person my son’s been spending every Thursday with.”
Keller smiles. Locke’s eyes go wide. My ears ring.
He did tell Keller.
They’re a spitting image. The perfect father-son duo.
My father slaps his hand on my siblings’ shoulders again, and this time they don’t flinch.
“Well, come on, kids. Your mother is probably waiting for us at Saks.” Billie and Locke mumble goodbyes, with my half-sister whispering about how excited she is to see us at her birthday. I smile back and bury my dread.
When Keller presses his hand onto my shoulder, I grimace.
“Glad you’ve decided to come. I’ll see you there, son.”
I nod but say nothing.
Once the McCarthys are finally out of eyesight, I tighten my hold on Liliana’s hand and head straight for my car.
Like everything else in my life, Keller has ruined the day. In the space of my BMW, The Band CAMINO are the only voices being projected.
Neither of us have said a word since leaving the mall. Even when we pass through the Boston streets, where the lights highlight her freckles in the most divine way I’ve ever seen, I can’t bring myself to look at Liliana.
I grip onto the steering wheel and ask why Keller couldn’t stay out my life, where I wanted him.
A tanned hand lightly grips my wrist, smoothing over the stinging skin. It’s not a break into conversation. It’s better. An olive branch. I glance over to the passenger side, where Lily is looking at me softly and those freckles are sparkling just like I knew they would be.
“Sorry about that.” I can’t think of anything else to say. What’s the appropriate apology when your dysfunctional family ambushes you and your kind-of-but-not-really girlfriend?
Lily continues to soothe me. “Is he…” She holds the question in her mouth like she’s afraid of asking. “Always like that?”
“An asshole?” I chuckle sarcastically. “Yeah.”
I don’t know if she knows what he did, or how he did it, but she doesn’t pry.
“I mean, is he always so overtly authoritative with his kids?”
Locke and Billie’s shrinking figures come to mind. The loud boom of Keller’s voice and how quickly they respond to it, like it’s ingrained in them to do so.
I answer honestly, “I wouldn’t know. I’ve never seen them like that, but it’s not like I have much to go off of.”
Liliana is the smartest person I know. She can put together the pieces of what I mean.
“We don’t have to go to that dinner if you don’t want to. I just said it so you could get out of there.” I steal another look at her, lower lip jutted out and begging to be kissed. “We can make an excuse to cancel.”
How is it that she’s able to recite the thoughts I had back in the mall? I want to cancel. No universe exists where I’d want to spend a night surrounded by my father, the family he loves, and the people who he’ll schmooze all night.
But in the midst of my anger, I remember Billie whispering between her goodbyes that she couldn’t wait to see us there, and I groan.
“No, we should go. I’d feel too guilty about ditching Billie on her birthday.”
Lily laughs. It goes against the thick tension hanging in the air, and when I glance over to her, she’s stifling more giggles behind her hand.
“What’s so funny?”
Her head shakes, rosy cheeks still creasing with humor. “Sorry. It’s not funny.”
“What’s not funny?”
“It’s just.” From the corner of my eye, she smiles. “I thought you didn’t see them as your siblings.”
“I don’t.”
Her laughter cuts, and the air goes back to being tense. I’m never short with Liliana. I don’t want to be, either, but talking about my family brings out the worst in me.
The sensation of her thumb rubbing over my skin is a sign that I thankfully haven’t spoken out of turn.
“Sorry. I’m not trying to annoy you. You were just acting very… brotherly towards Billie.”
“You could never annoy me.” I sigh, taking my right hand off the steering wheel to intertwine with hers. “Don’t apologize either. I’m sorry for being weird. Being around them just makes me feel…”
“Weird?”
“Yeah.”
My feelings towards the McCarthys have always been complicated. With my father, I know they’re a tangled mix of resentment and childhood distress. It’s my relationship with Billie and Locke that’s less defined.
“I don’t see them as my siblings. They’re people I share a father with. That doesn’t make them family.”
“That’s fair.” Silence hangs in the air for a few minutes, before Lily’s voice breaks through it. “But how do they view you?”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, Billie seemed pretty excited to see you. And I heard her say she’s glad we’ll be going. Does she think of you as her brother, even if you don’t see yourself that way?”
While Locke is short, cold, and aloof, Billie’s always been nicer to me. I can’t deny that she’s tried to include me in conversation before, and at the McCarthy dinner I subjected myself to, she covered for me. It’s more than I would expect of her.
But at the same time, it just seems fitting to her personality.
“I don’t think so. Billie’s just overly bubbly and nice.”
“I thought you said you barely know them. Do you know her enough to conclude that?”
My eyebrows scrunch together. When we reach a stoplight and I’m able to look over at Lily, her face is devoid of humor.
“I know they grew up with my dad, living large as a famous businessman’s kids and never worrying about the little things. And I know that we didn’t have any sort of relationship until my father forced himself and his family into my life. That’s more than I’d ever want to know about them.”
The air conditioning is on full blast but sweat gathers at the base of my neck. I’m hot with annoyance, from watching my siblings for years through magazines and interviews, and from bringing Lily into the space of my messy family drama.
Her eyes soften. “I’m sorry. I’m not trying to overstep. I just want to understand you and what you’re going through.”
The burn of my anger doesn’t go away, not entirely, but it’s pointed back to my family and away from Lily. I never want to be in a position where my negative feelings take over me and cause a rift in what we have.
I lift her hands to my lips in a kiss. “There’s nothing to apologize for.
I want you to know about this stuff. I get you, you get me.
Part of that is learning about my family.
I’m not used to talking about them, that’s all.
” Being with Lily means I share this kind of stuff with someone.
It’s hard, but with her, it’s possible. “There’s a lot of layers there.
I resent all of them. That’s how it is.”
She hums. “Do you think you’ll ever forgive your dad for not being present in your life?”
“No. He can go to hell.”
Liliana doesn’t bring it up for the rest of the ride. The conversation, thankfully, shifts to making a shared playlist and planning out dinner for Saturday. I tell her we can order food that night, but I’m already brainstorming different dishes to surprise her with.
When I ease my car in front of her building, Lily runs her hand along my cheek. The stress gathered in the pit of my stomach deflates, and I lean my head into her touch.
“For what it’s worth.” I peck the inside of her palm, nuzzling into it. “I really liked being called your girlfriend.”
Against the heavy weight of my family and the constant reminder that Keller is what I have left of a parent, Lily’s words mean a lot. Being here with her, who has become a sort of anchor among the sea of emotions I’ve had to navigate alone, means everything to me.
Leaning over the console, I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I tangle my hands in her hair, press my lips against the vanilla flavored glitter gloss, and kiss her goodnight.