Chapter 25
twenty-five
GRANT
In the moments when Liliana and I were first getting to know each other, when I would imagine dedicating my time to her outside of a project, this is what I fantasized about.
Me, at my dining room table facing the Boston city line. Forcing myself to finish the work I procrastinated on until the very last minute, with finals week on the horizon.
And Lily, sitting next to me, engulfed in my t-shirt slipping off the edge of her shoulder, playing word games on her phone because she finished her homework days ago.
I’ve already made every excuse to put off studying for my art marketing course. Cleaned the entire apartment. Cooked Lily dinner. Put together the gift bag I made for Clem’s first road trip.
After I spent half an hour considering which brand of crayons to drop in the bag, my girlfriend put her foot down.
Lily told me it was time to get serious.
Made me leave the gift bag on the coffee table and focus on my schoolwork.
She means well when she says I won’t be able to pass my finals without buckling down.
I want to do anything else but this, though.
“Break time?”
The suggestion doesn’t hang in the air for more than a second before it’s shut down. “No. You’ve barely worked.”
“It’s been almost an hour!”
Lily doesn’t look up from her phone app but vaguely gestures in the direction of my kitchen’s clock. “It’s been twenty minutes.”
I glance over, squint my eyes to read the hands and do the mental math.
Fuck. It’s been eighteen minutes.
I scoff comically. “Okay, but if you round to the nearest hour, it’s been an hour.”
“No.”
I sigh, but a smile creeps onto my face anyways. Bickering, even as minimal as this, over the tiny things that don’t really matter, is becoming commonplace. Like we’re a married couple who returns home and throws around jokes only we find funny, because we know each other, and we can.
It’s my newest fantasy. Where we sit together in silence, just enjoying each other’s company, and spend every day with one another.
I love this girl’s existence. I love my girl so deeply. I pry her left hand away from her phone and kiss the finger that one day will become symbolic of what she means to me.
How early can I propose without her thinking I’m insane?
Liliana’s giggles cut through the silence of my apartment, and I stare up to see her eyes creasing in humor. “What’s up with you?”
I’m about to tell her how madly in love I am, but I’m afraid it’ll scare her. I mentally whack myself over the head. Saying “I love you” is too risky, but here I am kissing her ring finger and thinking about marriage proposals?
“Nothing.” I peck the rest of her fingers to play it off. “Just thinking of the things I want to share with you.”
It’s what I’ve been thinking about the most lately, both in the physical sense, having her by my side when I wake up and when I go to sleep, and in the emotional sense, too.
We haven’t talked about Billie’s birthday dinner. I’m grateful for that. It put into perspective how much trust I have in her to wait for when I’m ready to discuss things. I’m sure she knows something went down between my father and I while she was on the balcony.
Lily didn’t push me into telling her about it. Now that I’m ready to process what happened, I’m sure no one will be more receptive than her.
“Can I share with you what happened the night of Billie’s dinner?”
Her posture straightens, phone locking. She places it face down on the table and adjusts her body to face me, the cotton of my t-shirt twisting around her torso.
“Of course.”
I tell Liliana about the request my father had the nerve to make. I watch her jaw drop in shock and absorb the tight grip around my hand when I walk her through my thoughts. I gulp down the bitterness when I rehash how hurtful being labeled as an option, so many years into adulthood, makes me feel.
When I finish recalling the worse event of that night, Liliana’s nose curls in a sneer. “What an asshole!”
“Baby.” Shock replaces my dejection. “Since when do you swear?”
It’s the first time I’ve ever heard her curse. I don’t know if she did it to lighten the mood or make me feel better, but the surprise manages a laugh out of me. I’m thankful.
“I hate cursing, but he deserves it.” It’s validating to hear it from someone who barely knows my father. Not a family member, or long-time friend who saw me grow up without a dad, or a random passerby who recognizes him from finance magazines.
Lily sees him from the tiny crumbs of a relationship he feeds me. She’s the proof my hatred is beyond childhood daddy issues.
“Can you imagine that, though?” My head shakes. “Me, in a suit, chained to an office for the rest of my life?”
She shakes her head, too. “Having to live by deadlines, follow every rule in the book? You could never.”
Her sweet laugh fills the room, and I follow, but it dawns on me that deadlines and rules are the exact type of life my girlfriend has lived by. As ridiculous as it sounds to have me in a corporate career, it’s equally laughable to think of her that way, too.
She’d be good at it, no doubt. Organization and problem-solving are her strong suits.
But I can’t imagine Liliana hunched over a desk year after year, filing papers by someone else’s instruction instead of sharing her own ideas and opinions.
Maybe she’d dominate a leadership position, but it’d be a waste of her writing talents.
Before I can point out I might not be the only one destined for the artist lifestyle, especially if her finished story gets the feedback she hopes it will, Liliana mumbles through her laughter.
“I can’t believe you told him that part about the blender. Billie was right.”
My thoughts halt. My face twists.
“Billie?”
Her laughter starts to trail off too, but the corners of her smile stay upturned. “Yeah. She, uh, just mentioned something when I spoke to her that night.”
The lighthearted smile on her face confuses me. I remember seeing them talk on the balcony, but I figured it was nothing more than surface level details. Curiosity and skepticism stir in me.
“In the conversation you two had?”
Her grin starts to falter. When it’s about to disappear completely, she brings it back. “Yeah. I actually wanted to talk to you about that.”
“Okay. What about it?”
A distant expression appears on her face. Her eyes stay wide, but they’re lost and unfocused. Even if she’s staring at me, it feels like she’s looking everywhere else.
“Before we talk about it, I want to say that I’m not trying to overstep and butt into a situation that doesn’t really involve me. I just think I’ve been kind of put into a place as a middleman, and I want to help mediate a little bit, because I really care about you.”
Confusion knocks my head backwards. This sounds awfully serious for a random conversation with Billie.
“I’m going to be straight forward and say it.” Liliana bits her lip. Whatever they talked about, it’s starting to make me nervous. “I think you may have misjudged your siblings, and it might be good if you opened your mind to getting to know them.”
She has the gaze of a concerned teacher trying to ease their student into doing better, because they’re so close to the edge they’re afraid of watching them fall off completely. It’s a weird mix of pity and helplessness.
I grimace. I hate it.
“What did Billie say to you at her birthday dinner?”
Her posture deflates and mine stiffens.
“It’s a lot. I’m not really in a place to repeat it to you.”
“What do you mean?”
Lily’s shoulders sag and she starts to mindlessly pick at her nail polish. “I promised Billie I wouldn’t. Just trust me.”
My emotions are a flurry of confusion, but under it, annoyance is starting to flare. It feels foreign like this. I’ve gotten frustrated with Lily before, maybe tired when she asks for help on her assignment after discussing it for hours, but never annoyed. Not until now.
Liliana is supposed to be on my side. Making secret promises with my half-sister goes completely against that. The growing irritation causes me to be so blunt.
“If you weren’t going to tell me, then why did you bring it up?”
She physically retracts herself from me. It hurts, but not as much as the glossed-over look in her eyes.
“Don’t give me attitude. I’m trying to help you without overstepping boundaries.”
“You’re randomly bringing up my siblings and telling me I’m unfair to them, without wanting to explain. You don’t think you’re overstepping my boundaries?”
It’s a fucked up thing to say. Liliana knows me on a deeper level than most people, and when it comes to her, it’s hard to imagine there’s any boundaries at all. I said it more to drive a point home than anything else.
She breathes out, loud and frustrated. “Please don’t start. I’m not trying to argue.”
“I’m not, either.” Contrary to the hostile tone of my voice.
“Okay, then.” It’s said firmly, yet she doesn’t sound convinced. “Listen to what I have to say. That’s all I’m asking.”
I nod, moving my textbook onto the other side of the table and giving Lily my full attention.
“Like I said, I’m not in a place to tell you exactly what Billie and I spoke about.
All I can say is she really surprised me, and I think she would surprise you, too.
” She breathes out and grabs onto my hand.
“I think you see them a certain way based on the very few things you know about them. That’s understandable.
But it might be beneficial if you gave them a chance to show you something different. ”
Her shoulders raise in suggestion. It’s like she’s advocating for them.
This isn’t what I wanted when we went to Keller’s. I was excited to have someone in my corner for once, to be there for me. Liliana came back with that energy for two people who I have nearly no connection to.
“Beneficial to who, exactly?”
“All of you.”