Chapter 25 #2
She claims to include me but I’m starting to feel more isolated. Goosebumps run across my skin in betrayal. It’s like she’s emotionally abandoning me, right when I thought I found my constant.
“Beneficial for my father?”
“He has nothing to do with this.”
He has everything to do with it. For my whole life, the most awkward parts, and the most alone I’ve ever felt, were the result of his choices.
Lily is someone who I felt would be separated from that, and yet here she is advocating for people who reap the benefits Keller decided I wasn’t good enough for growing up.
“Then tell me what Billie could have possibly said to you.”
She frowns. “If you talk to her or Locke yourself, you’ll know.”
Locke’s name sends another round of annoyance through me. It’s walking a thin line, close to being out of my control. Too close.
“I don’t want to talk about this anymore.” I stretch my neck to peek into her tote bag, visually searching for her laptop. “Let’s talk about your assignment instead.”
“I don’t want to.”
“That’s a first.”
It’s not meant to be a dig. Liliana’s work is important to her, so it’s natural she asks for help.
Maybe it’s a bit too constant for my liking, too many of the same questions in different structures.
Always resulting in the same answer to be truly productive.
At some point, I started thinking she was only asking me for my opinion because it’s the only one she thinks matters.
Lily leans further into her chair and away from me. It’s instinct that I see her uncomfortable and reach for her, trying to make it better.
“I didn’t mean it like that.” I close my eyes and take a breath. Tensions are rising. I want to do anything but lose my cool around her. This is the hardest it’s ever been to stay levelheaded. “There’s just a lot going on right now. The whole Billie thing is throwing me off.”
“I just want you to consider talking to them, that’s all.”
I press my eyelids together tightly. The longer we talk about this, the more I question if she’s really in my corner. How could she be, if she can advocate for my siblings after everything I’ve told her?
“Are you mad at me?” She whispers. It chips away at my irritation.
“I’m frustrated.” It’s not the same thing as being mad, but the concerned lines on her face don’t fade. “You’re asking something of me, then keeping secrets when I want an explanation.”
“I’m not trying to frustrate you.” Her voice is firm, but her face twists in distaste. “I’m sorry if I’m not communicating that. This isn’t something you should be in the dark about. It’s just not-”
I grunt. “Your place. I know.”
Annoyance slips into my tone, and she notices. Liliana scoots to the edge of her chair, leaning closer to me with her arms crossed.
“I know it doesn’t seem like it to you, but I’m doing this with your best intentions at heart. What was said that night, you don’t need to hear it from me, but from siblings. I’m suggesting you talk to them about it.”
I don’t want to talk to Billie, or Locke, or anyone else with the last name McCarthy. Not if I can help it. And if whatever was said between them is so life-changing Lily thinks I should hear it, then she should tell me.
My girlfriend has always been so logical, so smart, but somehow she’s missing that point.
“I have no reason to talk to her. I barely speak to her when I’m forced into seeing them.
” I’m motioning with my hands, slicing through the air like a physical representation of my thought process will make Liliana comprehend it easier.
“You think that whatever she said to you, is a good enough reason to talk to her?”
“Yes.”
“Then tell me what it is.” Her head falls back and she groans. “It’s not like I’m going to tell her what you said to me.”
“I don’t think you would, but that’s not the point. I promised. And it would sound more sincere coming from them.”
Sincere?
My mind easily creates wild scenarios for what this revelation could be. That Billie discovered I’m not Keller’s real child, that she knows the secret to taking down our father, or she’s fallen in love with my girlfriend via a birthday card.
The latter being the most unbelievable, but every concept out-there in some way. None of them relying on sincerity, though.
“Saying that doesn’t make me want to talk to her.”
Liliana slumps into her chair. “Why can’t you trust me on this?”
My head snaps towards her, jaw open. The flames of irritation are gassed, flaring stronger and brighter with one question.
“It’s been, what, ten minutes? Since I told you what my father said to me that night? And you want to talk to me about trust?”
“I know. Thank you for telling me that.” The sweet tone of her voice usually calms me, especially when it’s paired with her fingers tracing over the inked words of my forearm. But the ringing in my ears drowns it out. “This is a different kind of situation, though.”
“No, it’s not.” I shoot out of the chair and move somewhere, anywhere that’s not Liliana.
It’s the first time since knowing her that I actively don’t want to look at her face.
“You want to talk about this thing, this issue, but only in the context that you want. It doesn’t matter that you’re my girlfriend and you’re supposed to be on my side-
“I am on your side, Grant.” The sound of her footsteps follow me to the sitting area. “I want this because it’ll be good for you. Why can’t you believe that?”
Hastily, I plop onto the couch and continue avoiding eye contact. The taste of blood fills my mouth when I bite hard into my lip. All I’ve ever done is believe in Lily. Irritation is morphing into anger now, this time solely because of her, and I hate it.
I hate more that she’s questioning me.
“Grant.” She kneels at my side, placing her hand on my knee and rubbing circles into the light-washed denim of my jeans, sighing.
“What I learned that night, should be between you and your siblings. It’ll change things for that part of your life.
I shouldn’t play any part in it but I’m trying to bridge that gap. I get why that frustrates you.”
My eyes roll back in my head for a split second. You would think we were on a ferris wheel with how many times we’ve been going around in circles.
“I’ll tell you a bit—just a small amount—of what we discussed.
” I glance back at her quickly before trying to play it off.
Annoyance doesn’t fade that easily. “Billie, in so many words, told me that she really admires you. And that she’s happy to have you as her older brother.
That’s one of the reasons I want you two to talk. ”
Liliana’s hazel eyes are loving and kind despite my mood. It’s not like her to be insincere, and there’s no clues that what she’s saying is anything but genuine.
Confusion takes over every part of me.
“What do you mean?”
“I really can’t tell you everything. It’s personal and I promise it’ll sound better coming from her. But she really sees you as her brother, Grant, and her life isn’t as perfect as you think it is.”
My chest aches. I used to imagine what kind of life Keller had with his other kids. What he did for them on the days he was too busy to visit me, and how he celebrated their biggest accomplishments when mine weren’t important enough.
My mind goes back to the last two interactions I’ve had with Billie. The way she folded into herself when Keller side eyes her a certain way. How she jumps to defuse tension as soon as she senses it, like she’s been programmed to do so.
Those moments are a stark black and white against the colorful fairy tale I’ve drawn her into.
I scratch the back of my head and look to the floor.
“She said that?”
“Yes!” This time, Liliana’s voice raises in excitement, not bitterness. “No one knows what it’s like to be Keller McCarthy’s children except for you guys. It’s not exactly the same, I know, but they can understand you more than anyone else in the world.”
My heart warms for a second. There was only one person on this planet who came close to knowing what it was like being tossed to the side by Keller: My mother. And when I lost her, I lost that sense of comfort, too.
It's nice to think someone can connect to me on that level, even just a little bit. I almost award myself the relief of thinking I found that, if the only thing I had to do was be open to a conversation with Billie.
But there are more than two McCarthy children.
“They?”
Billie, maybe, I can handle. It’s believable that Keller didn’t afford her the attention she needed, or the patience she deserves. If that’s the case, though, my brain immediately assumes it’s because he’s too busy fawning over his favorite child.
“Locke is in the same boat as Billie. He’s not the type of person you think he is.” My face scrunches impossibly tight. “Actually, I would say that Locke is who you should talk to the most.”
“You spoke to him too?”
“Well, no.” She pats my knee again. “This is based on what Billie told me. You should talk to them both, eventually. But what she said about Locke makes me think that if you only talk to one, it should be him.”
I scoff and move away from her. A pained expression crosses over her features, and it affects me too. I don’t want to push her away, but my emotions continue to spiral the further into this conversation we get.
“You’re taking Locke’s side of things without even knowing anything about him.”
Her teeth grit together. “Again with the sides. I told you, the only side I’m on is yours.” She sits next to me on the couch. I scoot to the left, furthering the gap between us. “You’re jumping to conclusions about them and you know it. It’s not fair.”
It’s a punch straight to my gut. Rage wells up in the pit of my stomach. She wants to talk about fair? I can name more than a few things that were unfair about my life when compared to Locke’s.
Before I can recover from the hit, she keeps going.
“I say this with all the best intentions, but I think you have an issue with forgiving people.”