Chapter 25 #3
“What the hell does that mean?”
The tension is too thick. We’re falling further into territory I’ve never charted before. My heart is beating too fast, running away from me and my level-headed senses.
“You don’t forgive easily. Every time we talk about Derek, you get so angry even though you have no idea why he’s fallen off the face of the Earth. Even with yourself, I already forgave you for what happened in undergrad. But you felt like it still wasn’t enough.”
The laugh that escapes me is hollow and sarcastic. “Sorry for working so hard to earn your affection.”
“You already did earn it, Grant. I forgave you long before you wanted to forgive yourself.”
I can’t believe we’re having this talk. I can’t believe that of all people, it’s Liliana who wants to lecture me about this.
“So you think I should forgive my father. Is that what you’re saying?”
“I couldn’t care less about your father.” The hazel brown of her eyes soften again. “You should forgive your siblings for getting the better end of the stick when you were kids, even if it wasn’t their fault. Then, you need to forgive yourself for misjudging them for so long. Especially Locke.”
She means well. I can hear it in the gentle tone of her voice. I think, with some logic, what she’s saying makes sense. I loathe my siblings for having the life I wanted growing up.
When I consider that maybe, I’ve been unfair to carry that resentment into adulthood, embarrassment gets thrown into the mix of emotions.
With that, and the confusion of what this all means, it fans the flames of my anger. It’s too much to handle. My voice comes out curt and sharp.
“I can’t do this. It’s really starting to piss me off.”
“Don’t even.” She holds up her hand to stop me but my thoughts are taking off. “I want to be understanding of the fact that this is sensitive for you but your tone is teetering on harmful. Don’t take it out on me.”
I know she’s right. It’s Locke’s face I see in my anger but sensibility is waning. I try to distract myself by digging my nails into my palm, but it does nothing
“I’m your boyfriend. You’re my girlfriend.
When things went bad for you, before we were even dating, I was happy to help.
I looked forward to it! When it comes to this, and my family, you’re supposed to choose to support me.
Not babying my half-brother like everybody else and making me out to be a bad guy. ”
Lily shuts her eyes and takes a deep, harrowing breath. She holds it for seconds that feel like hours before breathing out.
“I do not think you’re the bad guy. I think you were both put in a bad situation by your father and it made you resentful. That’s okay.”
Her mouth is still moving, still talking, but I’ve already decided what I want to say.
“You’re empathizing with him instead of your own boyfriend.
When I helped you with your assignment, there was no question about whether I wanted to be there for you.
I’m not wrong for expecting the same thing.
” I scoff and mumble the rest. “I basically wrote the entire story for you and you’re still treating me like this. ”
“Oh my gosh!” Liliana’s level voice breaks.
I wince when she hastily marches over to her tote bag on the table.
She walks back while rummaging through it.
“This isn’t about me being ungrateful! I care about you because of who you are, not what you did for me, and I want you to have a support system with people who understand you, so you won’t be alone in everything.
You’re being too stubborn to realize you’ve been blaming your siblings for your father’s mistakes. ”
Her words sting. I can feel them crawling everywhere—down my spine, into my chest, up and around my neck. I choke on the feeling that she sees something different about my family, and about me.
Her hand finally emerges from the bag, holding a pink USB I’ve seen at least once every few days since we’ve reconnected. She tosses the bag carelessly next to Clem’s gift bag on the table and almost knocks it over.
“Here.” She flicks the USB at me but I’m too focused on her expression to see where it lands.
Her eyes are blazing now, devoid of the patience she previously gave me.
“If you’re going to use the damn assignment against me, you can have it.
This isn’t about that, and our relationship is built on more than that.
I’m not your girlfriend because you helped me pass a class. ”
Her voice cracks. The air changes. This has escalated past an argument. I’ve hurt her. Lily’s chest is rising and falling with rapid breaths and she’s mindlessly pulling at the hem of my t-shirt she’s wearing.
Seeing her so distressed, my anger starts to settle. Left behind are the confused frustration and bitter words I’ve said. Regret starts to take its place.
“I’m sorry. That was fucked up of me to say.”
“I didn’t know you felt so strongly about helping me with the story.”
“I-” I almost tell her I don’t, which would be a lie. “I loved helping you with it. It brought us together. The anger is just making me unreasonable right now.”
Lily takes her seat next to me again. The calmness I usually feel around her is still absent, but us not leaning away from one another is bringing my heart closer to its normal rate.
“I swear, I only have your best interests at heart.”
My hand feels naturally pulled towards her, wanting to close the space and physically touch her. Let her know I’m still here with her. My mind, though, wonders if it’s okay to do that.
I deflate into the couch. Since when do I wonder if it’s okay to hold my girlfriend?
“This went too far.”
“Yeah.”
We sit in silence for what feels like forever. The entire time, I’m thinking about Keller’s hold on me and the unresolved issues he’s brought into my life. They’ve affected me in places I haven’t even considered, including here.
I tried to distance myself from him as much as I could. But it’s the grudge I carry that ended up hurting me here. That’s partially my fault, too.
Lily slips her hand into mine, squeezing. “I think I should go home.”
“What?” I grip onto her a bit harder. As if she’ll disappear.
“There are a lot of emotions going on right now. I don’t think either of us are in the headspace for it.”
“But…” I will myself to look at her and face what I could lose if I don’t think more rationally. “I don’t want you to leave me. I’m sorry for what I said.”
She squeezes again. “I’m sorry, too. I’m not leaving you.
I’m just giving you space. We both need that.
” Liliana smiles. It’s small, but paired with rosy cheeks and caring eyes.
Genuine. “I inserted myself into your family’s problems. You need some time to think about things on your own.
I should take myself out of the equation so you can make decisions without my pressuring. ”
Out of the equation sounds bad. It feels bad. My entire body runs cold. I consider that she might be breaking up with me because I’m too hard-headed to give my siblings the benefit of the doubt.
No resentment I feel, whether it’s towards Locke or my father, is worth losing her.
I hear my heart pounding my chest, the loud thumping against my temples. “Please don’t break up with me over this. I’ll be better.”
Lily moves back and my hand reaches for her instantly. I’m ready to beg if I have to. I will get on my knees and grovel, tell her how right she is, that I’ll call my family right now and hash out my childhood trauma if it means she’ll give me a chance to fix this.
Right as I’m about to spew off everything I feel for her, she cups my jaw and kisses me, passionate and heartfelt. Lips moving against mine and hand holding onto my bicep. When she pulls back and stares at me, my anxiety starts to vanish.
“I’m not breaking up with you, Grant. Not over this, not ever. I just want you to think.” Relief is the only thing I can think about. I hurriedly kiss her again and she giggles against my lips.
She kisses me until I feel like I can breathe again.
“We’re okay. We’re going to be okay.”
I nod at her words and hold them to my heart. “Yeah,” I repeat after her. “We’re okay.”
We spend a few minutes kissing. Liliana reassures me that nothing is going to change just because she’s spending more than three days at her own apartment, and that if I choose not to speak to my siblings, we’ll still be together.
“Baby.” I doubt Liliana meant for this to be some sort of wake-up call for me, but it was. “If this means so much to you, then I’ll seriously consider it. I promise.”
I don’t want to. Approaching any member of my family sounds so foreign and uncomfortable. But tonight showed me that Lily cares about me enough to talk me through anger and still stick it out on the other end. More importantly, there’s a trust she has to let me work through my feelings.
Beyond being right or being just, what matters to me is being hers.
Walking her out of the apartment is different this time. Not bad, or scary, just different.
“Are you sure you don’t want me to drive you?”
She waves her phone at me, ride share app blinking under the hallway light. “Three minutes away. I’ll be fine.”
“Text me when you get home, please.”
“Of course.” Lily tip toes to kiss me for the last time. I wrap my arms around her waist and hold her there, savoring the feeling.
She pulls away only an inch, holding me to her for what I think might be forever.
“Grant?” Lily whispers.
“Yes, baby?”
“I love you.”
My heart stops beating. Warmth flushes over my face, and I smile so big my cheeks hurt. It’s like everything in the world has finally made sense.
I tighten my arms around her and kiss her again.
“You do?” She nods. Her phone is starting to ring but we ignore it. The sound of love songs I’ve never heard, visions of art work I could create, all with wavy hair and hazel eyes, are washing it out.
Lily’s gaze travels over my face carefully. “I wanted to tell you so you know I really mean it when I say we’re going to be okay. You don’t have to say it back.”
“I love you too.” It’s the easiest thing I’ve ever said. So refreshing and right. I might have been waiting my whole life just to say it. “I love you too, Lily. I’ll see you soon.”
After repeating ourselves too many times and another missed call from her driver, the love of my life leaves, albeit temporarily.
When she texts me twenty minutes later that she got home okay and she misses me already, I’m in my studio, a garden of blooming lilies starting to form on the page.