Chapter 5 #3
In the end, I wind up in my bathroom, the door locked, even though I’m the only one here. I tell myself it’s to keep Percy out, but I don’t know how true that is. I think I’m trying to lock my thoughts out, too.
“Cal?” my brother says again. “You okay, man?”
“I…” I gulp in another breath as I sit on the edge of the giant bathtub in my en suite. “I don’t know.”
“Okay, that’s fine. You don’t need to know. Can you tell me what’s going on?”
I hate that he’s so good at calming me down.
I’m supposed to be the older brother, but I don’t feel like it now, just like I haven’t any of the other times I’ve called him in a panic over the years.
It’s probably why he’s the future lawyer and I’m not.
As long as it doesn’t involve his love life, he’s always been good at getting the facts, then tackling a problem with a level head.
I’m envious, especially in times like these when my mind won’t stop racing.
“Chloe.”
He laughs lightly. “Yeah, man. I figured. That’s usually the reason you call instead of text.”
I wince because he’s right. I’m horrible about calling unless I need someone to talk to. “Sorry.”
“Don’t be. I do the same to you with my problems.”
He’s right. We hardly ever talk just to shoot the shit. We do that over text. Calls are reserved for the serious stuff.
“So, what happened with…Chloe?”
There’s a pause before he says her name, and I know it’s because he never knows what to call her. Before we separated, it was always “my favorite almost sister” or “the wife.” Now, he doesn’t know what to call her, just like I don’t.
“She was here.”
“In Seattle?”
“No. I mean, yes.” I exhale deeply again, my breaths slowly returning to normal. “Yes, in Seattle. And in my apartment.”
“Shit.”
“Shit,” I agree.
A few beats pass. “Are you okay?”
“Do I fucking sound okay, Stef?!”
For a moment, I feel bad for yelling at him, but it goes away quickly as I remember why I called him.
“That’s fair. I deserved that. Guess my teachers were wrong when they said there’s no such thing as a stupid question.” He sighs. “All right, talk to me. Tell me everything.”
I spend the next ten minutes relaying everything that happened last night until the moment Chloe walked out of my apartment. When I’m finished, he’s quiet, and I check the phone to make sure I didn’t lose him somewhere along the way, but he’s still there.
“Stefan?” I ask.
“I’m still here,” he answers. “I’m just trying to process it all.”
I huff out a laugh. “Yeah, me too.”
“Do you believe her?”
“Huh?”
“About that guy she showed up with. Do you believe it wasn’t a date?”
At first, I didn’t. I thought she was just trying to save face because she got caught, but after hearing her out, I don’t think that’s the case anymore.
“I do.”
“Good,” Stefan says. “I believe her, too. That’s not the Chloe I know, the one who threw me the best thirteenth birthday party there ever was. She recreated Judge Judy, Cal. That was fucking incredible.”
I think back on the memory. It didn’t take much for Chloe to become part of my family.
Though my parents thought we were nuts for wanting to get married so young, they trusted me to make the best decision for my future and loved her with every fiber of their being.
They accepted her instantly, and one book on LSAT prep later, she became my brother’s favorite person.
Though he’s as upset with Chloe as I am about her leaving, it’s always been obvious he misses her as much as I do.
“You wouldn’t stop banging that damn gavel and kicking people out of the ‘courtroom.’ You were such an annoying little twerp.”
“Yeah, well, I still am.”
I grin, then realize I have no reason to be smiling right now, not when I just let my wife walk away from me yet again.
She says she wants to have coffee, but is that true?
Will this have been the last time I see her?
Or if we do sit down and have coffee, what’s that going to look like?
Will it be as awkward as it was having her here? I don’t fucking know.
As if Stefan can sense I’m getting stuck in my own head again, he says, “So, what’s the plan?”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, what’s the next step? You’re going to meet for coffee, right? You want to, yes?”
“Yes,” I tell him honestly, not having to think about it for even a second. I don’t care how uncomfortable it felt having her in my apartment. I’d endure a thousand awkward hours with her, just as long as she’s around. That’s all I’ve ever wanted—her to be there.
“Good,” he says again. “I think that’s a good plan. Start small and in public so things can’t get too out of hand.”
“Jeez, Stef. It’s not like I’m planning to unload on her.”
“No, but it’s clear you’re struggling with your feelings toward her. And you’ve been bottling them up for, what, three years now? You’ve got some shit to work through. A short chat with other people around might be for the best.”
He’s not entirely wrong. I’ve not reacted the best the two times I’ve seen her in the last twelve or so hours. I could use the safety net to keep me in check.
“What was it like?” he asks quietly when I don’t say anything for a few moments.
“What was what like?”
“Seeing her again, Cal. What was it like?”
Fuck. How do I explain it to him? That it was like someone stealing your favorite sweater, then giving it back a few years later?
Or like getting up to the window at the drive-thru and finding out the person in front of you paid for your order?
Or winning a championship you’ve been after your whole life?
Because it was better than all of those.
So much more than I could have imagined.
“Everything, Stef. It was everything.”
I swear I can hear him smile through the phone. “You’re still so in love with her.”
I don’t deny it. I never have, and I’m not about to now. But I’m also not going to offer up that info to just anyone, especially not Chloe. Not until I know what’s happening with us. Not until I know I can trust her again. Not until I know she’s still mine.
“Thanks for letting me freak out on you.”
My little brother laughs. “Anytime. You know that. I’m always here.”
“I know. Appreciate it. And, Stefan?”
“Yeah, man?”
“You should really apologize to that girl. She didn’t deserve that.”
He sighs, but it’s one of those resigned ones because he knows I’m right. “I know. I will.”
“What happened to Elijah?” I ask, referring to the guy he couldn’t stop talking about when he was here visiting last month just before the Christmas break. “I thought things were going well with him.”
“Eh. We fizzled,” he says. I want to comment on that, but I keep my words to myself. I have no business giving out love advice right now anyway. “Text me later?”
“Yeah. Later, bro.”
We disconnect the call, and I clutch my phone in my hand as I sit perched on the edge of the tub, the one I’ve never used, even though it was the sole reason I got this place.
It wasn’t for me. It was for Chloe. Just in case.
Even while she’s been gone, I’ve kept her in the back of my mind during every decision I’ve ever made.
I wish I could say it’s because I never doubted she’d come back to me, but that’s not true.
I did it because I hoped she would. Always, even when I was at my darkest. But now that she’s here, I have no damn idea how to react to it, no idea what to do.
The one thing I do know? I’m never going to figure it out if I don’t try. I swipe through my phone again, this time looking for a different name. When I stop on it, I take a deep breath, my thumbs hovering over the screen.
Then, I text my wife.