Chapter 19
SERPENTS SINGLES GROUP CHAT
Lawson: What do you guys think about me starting a love advice podcast?
Lawson: I could call it Lawless Lawson’s Love Languages.
Lawson: You’re right. I should do it. I’m doing it.
Hayes: Are you just not going to wait for anyone else to chime in?
Lawson: Nah. It’s a fantastic idea.
Lawson: Besides, I don’t need your permission. I just didn’t want to keep it a secret from all of you.
Lawson: Because, you know, LIKE SOME PEOPLE, I don’t keep secrets from my FRIENDS.
Me: Are we really still going on about this?
Lawson: Um, yes. You lied to us for years. YEARS, KELLER!
Me: Has there ever been a day in your life when you’re not dramatic?
Lawson: Yes.
Lawson: No.
Lawson: YES. Because I am not dramatic. I’m passionate.
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is annoying.
Lawson: That’s not what your mom said.
Lawson: Wait, seriously? No comeback, Kells?
Me: Not really in the mood.
Lawson: What’s wrong? Is Chloe tired of you already?
Me: Shut up, Lawson.
Lawson: Aw, come on, Mr. Secretly Married. I was only teasing.
Lawson: Speaking of being married, how’s the wife, Hutchy?
Hutch: Perfect. Now shut up.
Hayes: I’m trying to take a fucking nap, so can we not do this today?
Locke: What they said.
Me: Looks like I’m not the only one who hates you today, Lawsy.
Lawson: Jeez, is everyone in a bad mood?
Fox: Uh, we’re in the middle of a horrible road trip. I’d say the chances are pretty damn high.
Lawson: You know what’s not high? Your save percentage.
Hayes: You know, I think it really might actually be time to delete this group chat.
Lawson: WHAT
Lawson: NOOOOOOO
Lawson: I was kidding. I love you guys. Please come back.
Lawson: Hello?
Lawson: Foxy Baby?
Lawson: I’m sorry! I was teasing. I’M A FUNNY GUY. HA HA!
Lawson: This is totally going to ruin the podcast. I was going to have you all on as guests. We were going to talk about our club and everything.
Me: We aren’t a fucking club.
Lawson: You can’t see me right now, but I’m pointing to the group chat name.
Me: Uh, it literally just says SERPENTS SINGLES GROUP CHAT.
LAWSON HAS CHANGED THE GROUP CHAT NAME TO “SERPENTS SINGLES CLUB GROUP CHAT”
KELLER HAS CHANGED THE GROUP CHAT NAME TO “WE’RE NOT A FUCKING CLUB. ALSO, SHUT THE FUCK UP, LAWSON.”
Lawson: Wow. Rude.
LAWSON HAS CHANGED THE GROUP CHAT NAME TO “KELLER WOULD LICK HIS OWN BALLS IF HE COULD, AND WE ARE SOOOO A CLUB, BABY”
Me: I really hate you.
Lawson: Liar.
LAWSON HAS CHANGED THE GROUP CHAT NAME TO “KELLER LOVES LAWSON”
Lawson: Awwwww, Kells. That is SO sweet. I love you too, buddy.
KELLER HAS LEFT THE GROUP CHAT
LAWSON HAS ADDED KELLER TO THE GROUP CHAT
Lawson: Nice try, buddy. But you’re stuck with us.
KELLER HAS CHANGED THE GROUP CHAT NAME TO “LAWSON CRIES EVERY TIME HE CUMS”
Lawson: I’m quitting the team.
Me: Don’t tease me like that.
LAWSON CHANGED THE GROUP CHAT NAME TO “KELLER IS A BUTTHOLE AND A DIRTY LIAR AND HE EATS HIS OWN BOOGERS”
Hayes: Okay, this is just getting really sad at this point.
Hutch: It really is. And annoying.
Locke: Seriously. I need my pre-game nap. I’m old, remember?
Lawson: At least you’ve finally admitted it!
FOX HAS CHANGED THE GROUP CHAT NAME TO “WHY CAN’T WE ALL JUST GET ALONG?”
Lawson: Okay, that’s too cute, Foxy.
Fox: Thanks, but also…and I say this with respect…shut up.
Lawson: BUDDY!
Lawson: But okay. I get it, I get it. I’ll let you guys sleep now.
Lawson: I love you, Hutchy.
Hutch: ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME????
Lawson: I love you, Lockey Poo.
Locke:
Lawson: I love you, Foxy Baby.
Fox: Love you too, buddy.
Lawson: I love you, Hayesy.
Hayes: …
Me: Don’t. Just fucking don’t.
Lawson: I LOVE YOU, CALLUM KELLER, YOU BEAUTIFUL GRUMPY FUCK!
Me: Please, someone delete me. I’m begging you.
Lawson: Not a chance.
LAWSON CHANGED THE GROUP CHAT NAME TO “SERPENTS NOT-SO-SINGLE CLUB”
Lawson: Sleep tight, boys.