Chapter 9
Mireya
Play - Wings by Birdy
Sadistic Consciousness
It's often said that nightmares reflect our fears and traumas, that the brain buries them in the unconscious to protect us. A fictional reality where everything that hurt your soul is deeply hidden.
When you’re not conscious, it’s easier for your body to go through it all over again.
I read that somewhere when I started having trouble sleeping through the night.
My dreams, though, don't last long. They're short, fragmented, and in those few seconds, everything feels real. The fear, the fall, the burn, the violence, everything is more intense than when I'm awake.
They seem endless while I'm in them, and when I wake, each memory lingers, like a bruise left as a legacy on my body.
I wake up soaked in sweat, heart pounding, eyes watering, and I feel stupid for fearing something inside my own head.
The house is quiet when I get up. My veins itch for the same poisonous placebo I’ve convinced myself is necessary to function. I try not to reach for it, try to think about the cliff again. Think about the little girl looking at the stars there, having no idea what she would become later.
Don’t fall back again.
Instead of giving in, I push the window up, swing my legs over the sill and step onto the roof. I lit a cigarette, hoping that the first drag would get my hands steady enough to stop shaking.
I am stressed, of course. Who wouldn’t be?
It’s going to be okay, Reya.
The sky is paling, which means I have to get ready in a few minutes. A soft weight presses against my thigh, Blue stretches next to me, and before I can move, he curls into my lap and starts to purr.
I stroke his back with the hand not holding the cigarette, half listening to the drag of my breath.
“Are you ready to discover your new home?” I say, and he just closes his eyes softly.
I’ll take that as a yes.
“We need to go back inside now. I know, you want to sleep a little bit more. I’m sorry.”
I plant a kiss on his head before bringing him into the house. “It’s cold out there, isn’t it?” I coo at him as he adjusts himself on my shoulder, burying his head into the crook of my neck.
I like it. I never thought about adopting a cat before. It always seemed like too much responsibility, and I didn’t want to risk it out, more for their own sake than mine.
My mother used to feed a stray cat before she stopped feeding her own kids. She even gave her a name, Moonbeam. Blue eyes and soft heart.
The more I look at Blue, the more I see the resemblance.
Did you send him to me, mom?
Blue’s paw lands on my cheek and I lean into it. He is making me regret not adopting him sooner. I went to the vet yesterday after buying him everything for the move, and he was such a sweetheart there. He let the lovely lady take care of him and make sure everything was okay.
I’m glad he’s here now.
I tiptoe towards Milo's room with the cat perched on my shoulder. He doesn't have school this morning, which is a blessing since I have to drop him off at Edna's before leaving with my things.
I gently open his door covered in posters that Dad hates, the door creaks and groans when I push it wider. “Time to wake up, firefly.”
A large bag and a small suitcase were at the foot of his bed, enough to last a good week at Edna's with his belongings. He sighed before opening one eye and leaning on his elbow to get up, “Hi, sissy,” he says.
“Hi, baby,” I reply as I advance toward him. Blue jumps from my shoulder to Milo’s chest, which makes him laugh.
“Oh my god, Blue, I just woke up, give me a second!”
I kiss his forehead before going back downstairs and reply, “When you’re done brushing your teeth, just come downstairs for breakfast, okay?”
And I just hear a loud ‘okay’ as I take the stairs.
I roll my eyes before shaking my head, knowing he won’t be downstairs for another ten minutes at the very least.
Milo isn’t a morning person. I mean, sometimes he is, but that's usually on the weekends when there is no school, and he can spend the day with me. Dad is always hungover on Saturdays, so he sleeps until later in the day and when he does wake up, I take Milo somewhere else.
I make my way towards my bedroom again, just to double-check that I have everything packed, and glance at the pile of luggage that’s leaning against my bed.
As my eyes roam around my bedroom, it dawns on me that I will no longer be living here, well, at least full-time, again.
The shell jar. I almost forgot it.
I grab it at the last second, tuck it between two T-shirts, and push the suitcases into the hallway.
“Bug, come on, I need your help.”
I hear Milo let out a loud yawn, tracking his tiny feet walking through the soft rug on his floor. He opens his door before giving me a grumpy look. “I’m sleepy,” he says as he stands by my side.
“I know you’re tired, baby. You can have a nap later at Nana’s, come help me with this and then I can make you breakfast, okay?”
He decides to shrug as I hand him one of my backpacks to carry.
Great. This will be fun.
After a few minutes, Milo is sitting at the dining table with his head resting in the crook of his arms. We really struggled to get the heavy luggage downstairs, at least now I know to never do that task again with a sleepy child and a wide-awake cat running around us.
I serve up scrambled eggs and pull the bread from the toaster, blowing on my fingers as I split it between our plates. Blue gets his own bowl too. I set it down before placing our food in front of Milo, gently nudging him back into the world of the awake.
“Food is ready, sleepy head,” I tell him with a soft tone as my hand runs down his soft curls.
He lets out a small sigh before sitting up straight. I see him blink up at me, and just as I’m about to sit in the chair next to him, he gives me his ‘I’m going to annoy the hell out of you’ smile.
“Can I have jam on my toast, please?”
“Since you asked me so nicely,” I reply, making my way to the fridge to grab the jar of jam off the top shelf.
“Is Dad not here, sissy?” He asks as I bounce the fridge door closed with my hip.
“No, it’s just us.”
He glances around the kitchen as if our father would suddenly appear from nowhere. “Can we play some music?” He says, smearing the jam onto his bread.
“Of course.”
I lean forward, turning on the radio sitting in the middle of the table. Our favorite song comes on, and he immediately starts smiling, tapping his feet under the table. We hum along while eating and for a little while, I let myself forget everything else.
“I’m going to miss you,” Milo says softly as the music seems to drown out any other noises around us. I smile at him before reaching over to poke the tip of his nose.
I’m doing all of this for you.
We stayed home for an hour after this, and I unfortunately had to start packing the car.
Blue is in his little cage with a blanket to cover him up and Milo’s hand is in mine, his small backpack bouncing lightly on his shoulder as I carry the bigger bag.
“Are you going to come and see me during the week?” He asks as we walk toward Edna’s house.
“I’ll try, I promise. Are you going to be a good kid with Nana?”
He nods and smiles, “Of course! Don’t worry, sissy.”
After a few minutes, we arrived at Edna’s place. Hayzel has all her things outside, and she’s just smiling like the proudest girl ever at the entrance. “Look at that, Reya and Milo are finally here! Woman you were supposed to be here an hour ago!”
Milo runs toward her with his arms open and I follow.
“Hey, little man,” Hayzel says as she hugs him tight.
“Hey, little shit!” He replies and I can’t help but laugh.
Hayzel pushes him softly away before hugging me as I lay there with my arms stretched out along my body. “Did you teach him that, Reya?”
“Pretty sure he just heard me call you little shit last time and he kept it,” I reply.
Edna comes out at the same time, grabbing Milo and kissing his cheek, “my sweet boy,” she says as he smiles brightly.
Hayzel sees me analyzing this scene, and she whispers, “He’s going to be fine here, stop worrying for a second. He’s happy when he’s here.”
Yes, he is.
“You two are ready?” Edna asks as she holds Milo’s hand.
“We’re all packed up, and the car is just here waiting for us,” I reply as I advance towards them.
Edna’s hand is quickly on my cheek, softly brushing it with tears in her eyes, “Remember what I told you last time in the kitchen, okay? Be careful there and make sure Hayzel isn’t out every night.”
She then kisses my cheek, and I smile, “I will. And thank you for this.”
I then kneel to face my brother's little face. His eyes are sad, his lips are pushed down and my heart is breaking in a million tiny pieces. “Hey, firefly, don’t cry. I’m just a call away from you. Just ask Edna and I’ll be here in the next few minutes, okay?”
He nods but I can see a little tear falling down his cheek. “Pinky promise?”
“Pinky promise,” I reply as we interlock our fingers together.
I brush a few curls away from his face before pulling him closer to hug him tight.
“I love you the most, remember, firefly?”
“And I love you the most too,” he replies softly.
“Oooh, wait, wait.” I hear Edna call out to us, and suddenly she reappears with one of those one-shot cameras.
I press a kiss to Milo's cheek one last time before grumbling. “Nana, please, you know I don't like taking pictures,” I say as Hayzel reappears at my side.
“Nonsense. Say cheese.”
No matter how much I protest, Edna would always find a way to make me comply, so reluctantly I mimic both Milo and Hayzel, forcing myself to smile.
“See you soon, love you!” Hayzel says as Edna takes Milo's hand and I simply smile at them both as I make my way to the car with her.
This is all for Milo. I tell myself as I push the key in the ignition.
All for firefly.