Chapter 69
Mireya
Play - Needle In The Hay by Elliott Smith
Ruining your ruined life
The piercing sound of the alarm echoes through my room and for a few seconds I don’t remember where I am. I stare at the ceiling, waiting for my mind to catch up and then everything comes back at once.
What did you do, Mireya…
I drag my hands down my face and force myself to sit up. My throat feels like sandpaper and my head is pounding.
A soft meow grabs my attention away. Blue is sitting at the edge of the bed, staring at me like he’s been waiting for me to wake up.
He jumps down and brushes my leg before looking up at me.
Soft eyes, no disappointment or questions, no judgement or reminder of how many times I’ve tried to be better.
I pick him up and press my face into his fur, breathing him in. “Blue, I messed up,” I whisper.
I hate how guilt eats away at me until I feel nothing but emptiness and then I am back where I started. Looking for something to take the pain away.
We stay like this for a few minutes, then I swing my legs over my bed, leaving Blue behind as my feet meet the cold floor. I make my way to the bathroom, one hand against the wall for balance. The light burns when I switch it on, and I immediately regret it.
I reach for the shower handle, needing the water to drown out the thoughts and calm the headache. The burning water hits my skin, and I stand there, letting it run, waiting for it to bring back some sense into me.
I thought coming to St. Ellesta will make me feel alive yet I’ve never felt more dead than I did before, all of this is just a distraction. It’s all temporary.
“You need to focus…” I whisper softly.
Focus Mireya.
Focus.
I switch off the shower and pull back the curtain, wrapping myself with the towel.
The rest happens fast. Clothes, hair, bag, food and water for Blue. My body knows what to do when I can’t function.
By the time I’m all ready, Blue is sitting in his favorite place, watching me. I walk over the desk, scratching behind his ears and showering him with kisses.
“I’ll be back later, baby.”
He presses his head against my hand and a few minutes later I’m leaving for class.
I’m slightly late when I arrived at the auditorium. Damien is already at the podium addressing the class but I don’t think he’s seen me yet.
“You’ll be split into pairs when we head into the training facility. Reading your partner's body language is essential for—,” Damien stops midway as someone approaches him from the side. I peer down and notice the two other bodies beside him and the unknown man.
He nods before continuing and I can’t hear anything apart from murmurs.
“Okay, listen up, we're conducting a random drug testing. I need you all to step down and line up in a single file…” his words drown out and all I can feel is the fear creeping up on me.
No, no, no.
This can’t be happening right now.
“…This procedure is perfectly legal and is in line with the academy's rules and regulations which would've been explained to you before you submitted your application,”
I pick up my bag and place it over my shoulder, following the other students down towards the stage. Panic is creeping in as my mind starts building one scenario after another. In every version, they find out and decide I’m not worth being here.
I can’t afford to fail. I can’t mess this up.
Come on Mireya, think.
I follow behind the students and wait in line. “13-9-18-5-25-1,” I whisper, over and over again, gripping both my hands and placing them over my mouth.
It’ll be okay
It’ll be okay
It’ll be okay
I say the numbers in my head as I get closer to the testing officer.
“Name?” The woman at the small table asks and for some reason I freeze.
“I—” she looks up at me and frowns slightly. “It’s Mi—,” I’m cut off as Damien steps beside her, interrupting. “Mireya Vitelli,” he tells the woman and she nods, writes my name and hands the cup over to me.
I frown as Damien pulls me over to the side, “what the hell?” I ask him suddenly.
“What’s wrong with you today? Is it because of the exercise?”
“No. Ther—”
He cuts me off before continuing. “You’re cracking your fingers, you’re agitated and you couldn’t even give your name” He pauses, “so I’ll ask you again, what is wrong with you,”
Lie Mireya, just lie.
“Nothing…I’m fine,” I say, keeping my voice neutral. “I wasn’t expecting to do this today,”
He nods slightly unconvinced and gestures with his head at the ladies restroom. “You know what to do,” he whispers and I nod before heading into the bathroom.
My heartbeat pounds in my ears as I lock the stall.
I place the lid of the toilet seat down and sit on it, holding my head in my hands.
The numbers are still in my head as I unscrew the lid of the orange tube.
I stare at it and after a few moments, I manage to finish.
The lid is back onto the cup quickly as I place it inside the white collection bag.
I unlock the door and wash my hands. My eyes drift to the mirror. Bloodshot eyes, dark circles and an empty expression that makes it difficult to recognize it as mine.
If death had a look, It’d look like this.
I wipe the water over my face, squeezing my cheeks to get some blood in them, then suck in a breath. The bag is soon in the officer’s hands and I rush towards the exit.
A shudder runs through me as I make my way toward the dorm, keeping out of sight the other students waiting in the hallway.
“Reya?”
Hayzel.
I turn back toward her and smile. Her brow furrows as she frowns at me. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah, I’m fine, what’s up?” I ask as she gets closer.
“Did you forget we have a class in like forty minutes?” She says, gesturing towards the main building.
“I think I’m sick, I might stay in my room today,” I say hoping she’ll believe me.
“Do you want me to come with you, we can cuddle if you want?”
A soft laugh escapes me as I reply, “I’m okay, I promise.”
“Okay, I’m a text away if you need me. Love you to purgatory and back,” she yells as she rushes off.
Love you too.
I rush into my dorm, dropping my bag at the entrance before collapsing onto the mattress. Blue climbs up just after and we stay there until my breathing calms down.
How many times can I disappoint myself before I stop believing I can change?
I don’t know how long we’ve been lying here. Minutes, or even hours maybe. Time stops existing when my mind doesn’t let me escape it. They probably have the results by now. Someone has already seen my name and knows.
They’re probably finding a way to tell me to pack my bags and go back home.
I was doing better. I was supposed to be better.
My phone buzzes against the mattress, and my heart stops before I even see the screen.
Library: I saw the results.
No…
The phone slips out of my hand and hurries to the ground and I lower myself onto the mattress, my head resting on the edge as tears cloud my vision.
He cant—he can’t see that. He can’t know that. No one can.
You know what to do, Mireya. You know what to do.
My legs brought me back to the bathroom and I want to throw up.
I fucked up, and everyone will know. And I’m still terrified of how they will react. How he will react.
This is our last chance for a better life, for Milo’s life. But I can’t stop the need, I can’t stop the thoughts. I can’t—
Fuck. I hate being weak, I hate that fear never really leaves you even when you grow up.
Remember. Remember. Remember.
The blade is in between my fingers now, and blood is pulling down my thighs. Soft lines of red to forget the way my body craves the white ones again.
It’s okay. Another one and it’ll be fine.
He. Won’t. Understand.