Chapter 70
Damien
Past
Play - Such Great Heights by Iron and Wine
I’ll protect you
Open. Warm. Close. Cold.
The flame rises and disappears between my fingers as I open my mom’s lighter. The only thing that brings me light in the freezer.
I keep doing it because I have nothing else to look at. When he first started to put me here, I was crying and screaming a lot. Then I understood he didn’t care. Mom’s new boyfriend. She’s been taking more drugs since he came into her life.
It’s so cold…
My knees are pressed lightly against my chest and I try to make myself smaller here. It’s not comfortable, and everything hurts.
He put me in here again because I tried to stop him. I know I’m supposed to be scared of him, I am. But I’m more scared of what’s happening outside this freezer, because I still hear mom crying.
He told me to stay here until she stops and until he decides I can come out. So I keep telling myself that she’ll be okay, that she always gets through the night, but I don’t think I believe it anymore. Every time she screams, I want to throw up.
Open. Warm. Close. Cold.
“Open your eyes, bitch! Don’t waste another fucking line,” he screams at her.
Why are her eyes closed?
I try to push against the freezer door again, but my fingers slip and fall down the cold metal. When I pull them up, I see some blood flowing down my nose again.
“Mom?” No one replies…I press my ear against the door again. “Mom, I’m cold…”
Her screams stopped, she’s not crying anymore. I close my eyes, and try not to cry. I just wanted to protect her. I really tried. I stepped between them because that’s what I’m supposed to do. Because I’m her son, and because somebody has to stop him when he gats like this.
But he’s bigger than me, stronger than me and now I’m sitting inside a freezer while she’s alone with him.
I hate being twelve, I hate being small and I hate that I can’t make him afraid of me yet.
My hand closes around the lighter. Opening and closing it. Again. The flame appears for a second, then disappears. Then I hear her scream again.
“I’m here!” I whisper, pressing my forehead against the door.
Please, hear me, mom. I’m here.
I don’t know how long I’m going to be trapped in here, and I don’t know when he’s finally going to decide that I’ve been punished enough.
I only know that one day, this won’t happen anymore.
One day I won’t be twelve and helpless and small.
I won’t be waiting for somebody else to decide when I’m allowed to come out.
One day I’ll be bigger and I’ll kill him. I’ll be stronger.
I close the lighter, holding it in my fist, and the freezer’s door jerks open. The air is warmer, I can…I can open my eyes even if the light is too strong now.
Her boyfriend is standing there, swaying to the side, one hand against the counter, one rubbing his face. His eyes are so red as he just stares at me like he forgot I was still here.
“Get the fuck out,” he mutters.
I can’t move…
“Just get out, boy,” he repeats, rubbing both his hands over his face before looking toward the living room.
I try, and try again, until I can finally climb out even if my legs hurt. They buckle the moment my feet touch the floor but I catch myself against the wall.
“Where–where’s mom, Cam…”
He doesn’t answer, grabs his jacket from the chair, and swears under his breath before heading for the door.”
“Cam. Where is my mom?” I scream louder this time.
“Just…go,” he says, one last time, then he’s gone.
I stand there for a second, then I follow the sound of silence into the living room.
Mom is on the floor beside the couch. Her hair is stuck to her face, dark bruises across her arms and along her cheek.
And there’s a thin line of blood that has dried beneath her noise.
Some tears are still wet on her skin…The table has been knocked sideways and things are scattered across the floor. White powder again, some needles. Mom?
I kneel beside her, starting to do what I’m used to doing when she’s in that state. I check her pulse, but I can’t find it. I try to find some water next to me but there’s nothing.
“Mom?” Her hand doesn't move, nothing moves even when I touch her shoulder. “Mom, wake up.”
Nothing happens. The lighter slips from my hands and lands beside her fingers, so I pick it up again and put it in her palm. Maybe she’ll get angry and wake up.
Why is she not closing her hand around it? She always does that when I steal it.
I place it again in her fingers and close them back around it myself, but they slip open once more.
“Mom…” I say, louder. I swallow when she doesn’t reply, and wipe my face with my sleeve.
Don’t cry…You’re a big boy, Damien. “If you wake up, I’ll be stronger.
” My voice shakes, but she’s still not replying.
“Mom, I promise I’ll get bigger, I’ll be stronger than him.
Stop taking these…They make you sleep too much, you can’t protect yourself when you take them. ”
I squeeze her hand once more, taking the lighter back in my pocket. “Nobody is going to hurt you ever again, not even drugs, I promise, mom.”
Open your eyes, please.
I don’t know if she can hear me, but I need her to know. I need…I need to tell her.
“I’ll be strong enough.”
I wait for her to answer, but she doesn't. So I keep holding her hand, because she needs it. She needs to know I’m still here. I still need her even if she’s never happy. I need my mom.
One day, I’ll protect you, I promise.