Chapter 95
Mireya
Play - Afraid by The Neighbourhood
Choosing you anyway
Another day done here. A day filled with usual things; training, me avoiding Damien, me drowning in lies and pretending everything is okay.
But tonight I’m still here, at the same place as I love to disappear in.
Sitting at the edge of the cliff with nothing but cigarettes in my pockets and my cat. Blue purrs in my lap as I stroke the soft spot behind his ears which leaves him curling further into my body.
I take in his warmth and press a kiss to his head as the wind picks up.
Today was long and tiring. They’ve been pushing us to our limits since the new semester started.
The fights are more violent, the exercises are fucking stressful, but it’s fine with me, because when I’m tired I don't have the time to think or stress over whatever is happening in my life.
I look out at the moon reflecting on the water causing a silver hue to wash over us.
And then, after a few minutes of pure calm, I feel his presence before I hear him.
“Too late for you to be out here by yourself, Miss Vitelli.”
I turn around as Blue hides again inside my sweatshirt, and I see Damien holding out a small paper bag and a coffee cup towards me.
“Is this meant to be some kind of peace offering?”
“I don’t know what you mean,” he says suddenly sitting next to me.
“2AM and you’re offering me a coffee? Bad habits to teach to your student, Damien.”
He shrugs, his large body taking up the rest of the space beside me.
“You could have broken his nose, you know that, right ? Doesn’t bother you at all?” I say, turning to him.
“No.” A couple of seconds pass. “Should’ve broken both his nose and back actually.”
He turns away from me to look out over the cliff's edge.
“Ethan can be annoying, I would’ve done the same,” I tell him bluntly. “But know that Hayzel is now a big fan of you after what you’ve done to him.”
A laugh escapes his lips as he nods, “Are you a fan too?”
I shake my head, laughing too as I taste the warm coffee. “I’ve been fighting Ethan way before you started doing so.”
“What’s the deal with you two anyway?” He asks me curiously.
“The deal between who?” I ground out.
“You and Bennett.” He says bitterly.
“Nothing,” I replied, turning back to look at him again. “Ethan, Hayzel and I… we grew up together, that’s it.”
“That’s it?” He asks me again, causing me to frown.
“Yep.” I scoff, glancing down at Blue who is looking right back at me. “Why don't you believe me?”
“I don’t like him,” he replies, sounding tired. “I don’t like when people are disrespectful to my students.”
Our eyes meet and for a second I don’t know what to reply.
“Cat got your tongue?” He says, smiling this time.
I feel the sound of Blue’s purring vibrating through my body.
“It’s funny that you’re saying that, knowing he’s also your student, but you still punched him earlier,” I reply as he leans closer to me.
His hands reach out to my chest as he starts caressing Blue’s head that’s peeking out of my hoodie. “Am I not allowed to pick favorites?”
He looks up at me, his warmth invading my space slowly and then he tilts his head. “You don’t talk much when you’re caught off guard.”
“Jealousy shouldn’t be something I should discuss with my instructor, don’t you think?”
“You’re still mad at me,” he says softly.
“You have no idea,” I reply, high on what kept me alive and numb for the last few years.
He smiles sadly and lights a cigarette.
“How are you feeling, Mireya?”
His question is so simple it almost angers me, because deep down, he knows I haven’t been okay. He saw the bandage, he saw the anger, he saw the addiction, he knows it all.
“I don’t know how to talk to you anymore, Damien,” I reply after a few seconds, and the admission feels like losing when I catch his eyes on me.
“Neither do I, Mireya…”
I shake my head, laughing softly at how absurd we look here. “I hate that I still want to.”
His expression shifts, turning gentle, sad in his cold way. “What?”
I swallow my pride, looking back at him, letting my smile take over, “To talk to you.” Do I sound stupid? “Even now, you’re still the person I want to call.”
He looks away, jaw tightening, pain flooding his eyes. “I thought you hated me.”
“I do.” Lie. Lie. Lie. “Sometimes, I do.”
His eyes find mine again, hopeful as a soft smile lifts his mouth. “And the rest of the time?”
I don’t answer, because the rest of the time, he’s everything my soul craves and everything my reason wants to push away.
His gaze never leaves mine. It’s soft and feels impossible for a man like him, it’s careful like he’s afraid the wrong look might break me. That’s why it hurts. Somewhere beneath my ribs, deep inside my chest, to be seen so completely by someone I keep trying to push away.
“Don’t look at me like that…”
His brows furrow as he replies, “Like what, Mireya?”
“Like I'm someone you can save,” I breathe. “Because I’m not.” Soft blue eyes are still there, stripping away layers of what I’m made for and I keep adding more in the process. “I’m going to find the person who did this, and if I have to burn everything down to get there, I will.”
“That’s not justice, you know that…”
“No, you’re right,” I reply as I look him in the eyes. “It’s revenge. And I’m choosing it. I’m choosing anger.” My throat tightens but I continue, “And I’m choosing not to drag you down with me.”
His face shifts, he takes a long drag of his cigarette before crushing it between his fingers as always.
“Don’t pretend pushing me away is some kind of sacrifice, Mireya.
If you want revenge, I’ll give you that, we can burn it down together.
” His voice is soft and certain when he adds, “But you don’t get to take my choice away because I know what you’re doing. ”
I focus on Blue’s purr against my chest, trying to find a reply but he doesn’t let me say anything when his voice drops again, “You’re trying to make me leave.”
A long exhale escapes my lips. “Maybe I am.”
When his eyes meet mine again, all I see is pain and confusion, and I know I’m making the right choice. “Why?” he asks.
There are a thousand answers. Because I’m angry, because I’m scared, because I don’t know how to be loved without waiting for it to be taken away. And mostly because he’s the only person who makes me believe I can be better, and I don’t know if I can be that.
“Because you were right, Damien,” I reply and his eyebrows pull together. I force myself to look at him. “About us, you were right when you said we couldn’t happen.”
The words taste like blood on my tongue.
“Don’t…”
A bitter smile touches my lips. “You’re standing there, asking me not to destroy myself, but you don’t understand,” My voice shakes before I continue, “I already know how this ends.”
Breathe, and be honest.
“You stay, you try, you see every ugly part of me, and eventually you realize you were right.”
His face hardens. “I was never afraid of any part of you.”
“That’s because you haven’t hated me yet…” I whisper. “I don’t want you to watch me become someone you can’t ever love.”
It’s happening.
I already have poison waiting for me back at the dorm. The cycle has started again. Parties, drugs, alcohol, passing out, waking up, and doing it all over again. And he can’t witness this. He can’t watch me disappear piece by piece and let it ruin him along with me.
I’m already falling apart; I won’t drag him down too.
“You don’t get to decide that for me,” he replies with the softest voice ever.
I’m high again…It’s too late.
A tear burns my eyes and I hate it. “I have to, Damien. Because if I let you stay…” My voice breaks again. “If I let you stay, then I have something left to lose.”
And for the first time, he looks away, like I finally managed to hurt him.
I stand up, not even looking back at him. Because he knows that beneath all my anger, all my hatred, all my pain, I’m still choosing him.
And this is exactly why I can’t let him stay.