27. CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
brENDEN
I’m an idiot.
I’m such a pathetic fucking idiot.
I knew better.
Knew Travis and I were only faking a relationship.
And still, I let myself fall for him, let myself believe he actually had feelings for me too.
But shit, can you blame me?
He’s so damn hot and wonderful and kind.
I guess I already knew all that, but when he showed me his secret soft side.
.
.
I was a fucking goner.
It truly felt like we were developing a real connection, something deeper than friendship.
I didn’t think we were just faking it anymore.
But I’m an idiot.
No matter what, I never thought Travis would hurt me.
And that’s what he did.
He panicked.
I get that.
But even if his dad caught him off guard, and he didn’t mean to hurt me, the end result is the same.
It feels like he punched me right in the heart.
I can’t breathe.
Although the fact that I just ran my ass all the way home is probably the culprit for that.
Running is not something I do.
Not physically, at least.
Fuck, I should have run away at the first hint of me catching feelings for him.
I should’ve never gotten in this deep.
The night that I cried, the night he held me until I fell asleep, and then held me in the morning while he fucked me so slowly.
.
.
I should’ve known I’d never be the same after that.
Foolishly, I let myself start picturing us together years from now.
I pictured a life with him after May went off to college.
A life where I wouldn’t be alone.
And of course it was too good to be true.
Everyone leaves me.
How could I forget that?
I’m leaning against the wall in the foyer, still desperately trying to catch my breath, when May bursts through the door.
“Dad! What the heck?” She bends over, putting her hands on her knees and panting for a few moments before she straightens back up.
“I didn’t know you could run like that.”
“Me neither.” But when an animal is wounded, it will do anything necessary to get away.
She steps forward and wraps her arms around my waist, hugging me as she pulls me away from the wall.
“I’m so sorry,” she says softly, her cheek pressed to my chest.
“Nothing to be sorry for. I’m fine. Everything’s all good.”
I’m sure she doesn’t buy my fake bravado, but she just squeezes me tighter and says, “I love you.”
There’s a framed picture hanging on the wall behind her.
It’s of the two of us, laughing and covered in paint after we bailed on a class at the art supply store because we were both so terrible at it.
I focus on how happy we look there as I fight to keep the tears at bay.
“I know you do, kid. And I love you more than anything.”
“I know,” she says, releasing me after one more squeeze.
“And Travis—”
“No.”
“Dad.”
“I don’t wanna talk about it.”
She frowns as she steps back.
“I’m sure you don’t. But Grandma and Grandpa were in the car right behind me, so you need to figure out what to say to them.”
Fuckity fuck fuck fuck.
They know I’ve been lying to them about Travis this whole time.
Oh god, this is so humiliating.
But this is what I get for coming up with the insane idea of pretending to have a boyfriend instead of telling them the truth in the first place.
All the insecurities I had when they first got here come rushing back at me.
That they won’t think I’m a good enough father to take care of May.
That I’m a failure at everything.
I’ve almost worked myself up into a full-blown panic attack by the time Elise and Grant walk in.
Rather than acknowledge them, I spin on my heels and hightail it to the kitchen.
Mostly to delay facing them, but also because I really need some fucking coffee right now.
Naturally, they don’t let me get away with this.
They just follow me in there, with May a few steps behind them.
Elise takes a seat at the table, but Grant remains standing in the middle of the room.
I can sense his eyes on my back as I shake out the coffee grounds into a filter.
After hitting the button on the machine, I stand there staring at the pot, waiting for it to brew.
No one says anything.
The only sounds in the room are made by the drips of coffee hitting the glass pot.
I don’t even last a minute of this weird torture before I can’t take it anymore and turn around to face the inquisition.
Grant crosses his arms over his chest and starts it off.
“I’d like to know what’s going on here, if you don’t mind.”
“Right.” I nod.
“Well. You see...” I trail off, my eyes flicking over to May as if she can save me.
But she only gives me a sympathetic look from the seat she’s taken beside her grandmother.
Because I need to do this myself.
“We’d just like to understand, dear,” Elise says kindly.
Too kindly.
I don’t deserve kindness when I’ve screwed up so badly.
“Does anyone want coffee?” I blurt out.
I grab my mug and fill it, then glance around at everyone watching me like I’m an act at the circus.
A tightrope walker who fell off the tightrope.
Looking tired (of me, not physically), Grant says he’ll have a cup.
We both take a few moments adding cream and sugar before we sit down, and then I’m out of ways to stall this conversation.
I can only hope that all the time we’ve spent together over the last few weeks, getting to know one another better, will have meant something, and keeps them from hating me too much.
“So I didn’t intend to lie to you guys,” I say to preface my confession.
“But I lied. About Travis. Well, about me having a boyfriend.” I look at Elise.
“It just sort of came out when you called and were talking about how you wished I wasn’t raising May alone. It was stupid, but then I didn’t want to admit that I made it up, because that would’ve made me look bad. So I roped Travis into pretending to be in a relationship with me. It’s not his fault, and I’m so sorry.”
For a minute, nobody says anything.
May nudges me with her foot under the table, and when I glance at her, she smiles at me encouragingly.
Then Grant says, “That’s outrageous.”
I wince.
“Yes. I know. I’m sorry.”
Elise reaches out, lightly tapping my arm.
Though with how hard I have to fight not to wince again, you’d think she smacked me.
“We just don’t understand why you thought you needed to make up something like that.”
“Because you said... I thought...” I wrap my hand firmly around my mug, letting the heat almost burn me.
“I didn’t want you to think I wasn’t enough for May on my own.”
“Oh, honey, no,” she says, shaking her head.
“That’s not what I meant. Not at all.” She shoots her husband a meaningful look, then turns her gaze back to me.
“When I said I wish you didn’t have to raise May alone, I actually meant... Well, Grant and I mostly missed out on May’s childhood, and we don’t want to miss any more time with her. With the both of you. So we’ve been discussing a move.”
“A move?” May asks.
She nods.
“We planned to use this trip to look for a house somewhere near the two of you. I don’t think this town is the best fit for us, but one of the surrounding towns would be nice. So we’d only be a short drive away.”
Holy shit.
“You want to move here?” I say dumbly.
“We do,” Grant confirms.
“So you don’t think I’m a bad father?”
May leans over to pull me into a side hug.
“Are you kidding? How could anyone think that? You’re the best freaking dad.”
“We think you’ve done a wonderful job here,” Elise says.
“Really. I didn’t mean to imply that you couldn’t do it alone, only that you don’t need to, because you have us. And we want to be a real part of your lives from now on.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Dad.”
“Sorry. No. I mean...” I take a giant gulp of my coffee to buy myself a few seconds.
I’m having a hard time processing what they’re saying.
This past hour has been a lot.
First Travis, and now whatever this is.
They want to move here?
Elise reaches out to touch my arm again, this time her fingers lingering a bit longer.
“We hope you won’t mind. We’re not trying to get in your way or take over anything. But the two of you are pretty much the only family we have left.”
“Family?” I repeat like it’s a foreign word.
“Well, yes,” she says as if it’s obvious.
“I didn’t know.”
She tilts her head, giving me a puzzled look.
“Didn’t know what?”
Okayyy.
This is awkward.
I bite the inside of my cheek.
How do I tell her that I never considered them my family because I didn’t think they thought of me that way?
But they do.
It sounds like maybe they’ve thought of me that way all this time.
Woah.
Travis was right.
He told me I wasn’t giving them a chance.
That it was only my anxiety making me think they hated me.
For a second, a warm feeling rises inside of me.
But it crashes back down when I think about Travis again.
Elise and Grant are right here, sitting in front of me and telling me we’re family.
Letting me know they care.
That they want to be here.
Permanently.
They want to stay and spend time with May and me.
And I should be happy about this.
I think I am happy.
Yet it still feels like there’s a giant, gaping hole in my heart.
A place Travis methodically carved out of me to make room for himself in there.
And I let him do it.
Because I believed he was going to stay and fill it.
But now he’s gone.
It was all fake.
We’re not anything.
It only took seven words to destroy the relationship it took us over ten years to build.
After he gave me a perfect glimpse of what it’s like to have everything with him, I don’t know if I can go back to only a friendship.
And I don’t even know if he wants that.
He didn’t say we were friends.
He said we’re not anything .
“Brenden, are you okay?” Elise asks gently.
No, I am totally not okay.
Rather than say that, though, I take a moment to look at her.
Really look at her.
I’ve known her and Grant for over thirty years.
They’ve been in my life now longer than my own parents were—which is a terribly painful fact I can’t bear to think about right now.
When I was young, they were just my best friend’s parents.
April didn’t get along with them too well, and since I only really saw them through her eyes, I figured that was their fault.
And maybe it was or maybe it wasn’t, but that doesn’t really matter anymore, does it?
We all lost April.
But they’re still here, and I’m still here.
And I’m a grown ass adult.
It’s time for me to stop being intimidated by them.
To stop feeling like I’m going to get in trouble.
They haven’t done anything to hurt me.
May and I don’t see them often, but they’ve still been there for us.
They loaned me money when I needed it, and they check in on us.
Just because we don’t have a lot in common doesn’t mean we can’t have a good relationship.
Elise, who wears cashmere sweaters that are probably more expensive than my electric bill, is sitting here in yoga pants and a baggy T-shirt, because she was more than happy to try yoga in the middle of the town green when May asked her to.
And while Grant looks slightly more uncomfortable in his workout clothes, he did it too.
They’ve been trying, and I’m the only one who hasn’t been.
If I want to be closer to them, maybe all I need to do is put in the effort.
And it sounds like I’m going to get the chance, if they’ll be living here soon.
It’s strange how I don’t actually hate that thought.
Guess we’ve already made some progress.
When I glance at May, she’s watching me closely, her eyes cautious but hopeful.
She wants this.
She must be thrilled at the idea of her grandparents moving here, but I suspect she’s holding back her reaction for my benefit.
Because she’s worried about how I feel.
I give her a reassuring smile before I turn back to Elise and Grant.
“I think having the two of you closer would be great.”
For once, I’m not lying to them.
At my words, May squeals and jumps out of her seat, a huge grin taking over her face.
First, she hugs me, whispering in my ear how much she loves me, then she hugs each of her grandparents.
Everyone’s smiling now.
And damn, I wish Travis were here to see this.
I think he’d be happy for me.
Probably even proud of me.
But he’s not here, which again puts a huge damper on my mood.
A sad sigh slips out before I can stop it.
Elise catches it and frowns.
“I’m so glad you won’t mind us being here,” she tells me.
“But honestly, Brenden, I’m still confused about what happened with Travis.”
I turn my gaze out the window.
The flowers on the magnolia tree have wilted.
“I told you,” I say, unable to look at her.
“It was all fake.”
Grant clears his throat, forcing my attention.
“So you mean the two of you were never dating? At all?”
“Nope.” Despite what I thought was happening, none of it was real.
Both Grant and Elise still look like they don’t get it, and I don’t know what’s so confusing here.
I mean, sure, it’s confusing for me .
But it shouldn’t be for them.
“But we thought...” Grant says.
“I realize how messed up it was to lie to you,” I offer, desperately wishing we could stop going over this.
It doesn’t matter what they thought.
It doesn’t matter what I thought.
All I want to do right now is hide in my room under the covers.
And maybe learn sorcery, so I can cast a spell that makes me forget how phenomenal it felt kissing Travis fucking Reed.
Damn it.
Every time I get in my bed at night, I’m going to be reminded of what we did there.
Maybe tomorrow I should go shopping for a new bed.
That’s completely rational, right?
“We’re not mad,” Elise says.
And the look she gives me is full of pity, which almost makes me wish they were mad instead.
“What he’s trying to say is that we don’t understand how that could have all been fake, because...” As she trails off, she averts her eyes down to the table.
“Well, because we saw you on the couch that day. And also, we, um, heard you two. You know. At night.”
Oh, god.
I’m not sure which of us turns more red.
“Oh. Okay. Yeah, I’m sorry about that. We just, uh...”
While I struggle to come up with a polite way to explain that Travis and I were only hooking up because it was fun and convenient or whatever, May’s got her lips pressed tightly together and she’s shaking, obviously holding in her laughter.
I can’t believe she’s hearing this.
My sex life isn’t something I discuss with her.
Though she’s clearly not too shocked by it.
I shoot her what I hope comes across as a stern parental look.
A look that says, This is none of your business, and don’t you dare laugh at me.
Unfortunately, this doesn’t work, and in fact, it seems to have the opposite effect.
The barely contained laughter escapes her in a short, loud burst that makes Elise jump.
“Oh no, I’m so sorry,” Elise says.
“We shouldn’t have said anything. But I could see how hurt you were at what Travis said today, and it just seems clear to me that he must not have meant it.”
“He said it,” I reiterate with more than a tinge of bitterness.
“I can only assume he meant it.”
“No,” Grant says firmly.
He curls his hand over the top of his coffee mug and shakes his head.
“I know we only recently met that man, but I could see it plain as day from the beginning.”
“See what?” I ask.
“How strong his feelings are. I’m pretty damn sure he loves you.”
I open my mouth to disagree, then close it.
My desire to believe he’s right overrides my rational thinking for a moment.
But no.
That can’t be true.
If Travis loved me, he would’ve told me.
He wouldn’t have disregarded me so easily.
Like I was nothing.
Just leftover food on a plate to be scaped into the diner’s garbage.
“If you guys don’t mind,” I say, avoiding eye contact with everyone as I stand, “I’d prefer not to talk about this anymore. I appreciate you not being upset with me. But whatever Travis and I were doing, it’s done now.”
Without waiting for any responses, I walk out of the kitchen and head up to my room.
I’ll let myself wallow today.
Listen to Adele, maybe eat a gallon of ice cream.
But tomorrow, I need to start finding a way to move on.