33. Four Letter Words – Tess
It’s now Monday morning, and I still haven’t heard anything from Brad. I didn’t text him anymore, figuring I’d done enough damage on Saturday night. If he wanted to respond, he would have. I guess, he just didn’t want to.
Every time I think that thought, my heart sinks lower. I’ve been in a tailspin since yesterday, and instead of sleeping off my hangover like I wanted to, I spent the day chasing my tail of twisted internal narratives. I read and reread my wall of texts to Brad, and nothing relationship-shattering jumped out at me. Was I annoying? Absolutely. Did it warrant a complete brush-off? I don’t think so.
But then, maybe I don’t know Brad like I thought I did. That’s the main thing that jumps into the forefront of my brain. I thought we did, but maybe we don’t know each other well enough to really know anything. Especially about how each of us handles stuff like this. Maybe this is normal.
I don’t like this normal.
I get to the practice space super early. I’m not able to sleep anyway, so I may as well get a jump start on the workday. Getting ahead of the week’s social media plans and website updates is a perfect way to distract me from my love life, or lack thereof. I clutch my coffee cup to warm my hands from the chilly air of the large space and hunker down into PR mode.
“There you are,” Charlie’s exuberant voice pulls me out of my tunnel vision focus. I look up to find her barreling toward me, arms open wide for a hug. On impact, she nearly knocks me over, and I barely have time to react to what’s happening.
She squeezes her arms around my neck, making me choke out laughter. This is what I needed today, and I didn’t even know it.
“Hey, Charlie, what’s up?” I ask, hugging her back. She’s still got my neck in a chokehold and doesn’t seem inclined to let go any time soon. In fact, she starts rocking from side to side to drag the hug out even longer. I’m not sure what to make of any of this.
I glance up to find Brad watching us, but his face is completely blank and void of all emotions. My smile falters as our eyes meet. There’s usually a spark of something behind those beautiful gray eyes, even if it’s negative – his eyes always give away his emotions. But not now. There’s not even an inkling of anger, or disdain.
“Hey,” I say to him, prying Charlie off me, and forcing the smile back that had begun to wane for her benefit.
“I guess we’re the early birds, huh?” he finally says, sitting on the chair across from me. I mentally note that he chose not to sit next to me on the couch, where there is plenty of room. The bad feeling in my gut increases as I watch him look at his phone instead of at me.
“Today, I’m gonna have us make butterfly wings that we can wear,” Charlie announces, grabbing a bag full of craft supplies from near Brad. “I’ve got it all planned out, and the girls are going to love it. No peeking until we’re done.”
“You got it,” Brad says, still engrossed in his phone. “No looking.”
“I can’t wait to see them,” I say as she goes, the enthusiasm weak in my voice, but wanting to encourage her. I know how hard she plans their crafting projects. She’s going to make a great manager of some kind one day.
Once she starts getting settled in the corner, and I’m pretty sure she can’t hear what we’re saying, I turn to Brad. “Is everything okay? I didn’t hear from you yesterday.”
He nods, still focused on his phone. “Yeah, everything’s great. Sorry we got busy shopping for butterfly stuff yesterday. It must have slipped my mind.”
His knee starts bouncing like he’s nervous about something, and my stomach clenches even more. It slipped his mind? He’s not thinking about me twenty-four seven like I’m thinking about him. It’s not fair to expect that kind of concentration on me, but not even a passing thought?
Ouch.
“Sorry about all the drunk texts on Saturday. Ivy and I got a little bit carried away…” The heat on my face from embarrassment doesn’t even matter because he doesn’t even glance my way.
Instead, he shrugs. He fucking shrugs.
“S’cool. Happens to the best of us. No worries.”
That’s it. I can’t take anymore.
“Is something wrong?” I ask, not liking the vibe I’m getting from him at all. It’s not like him to brush me off like this, or anyone. Brad isn’t the kind of guy to ignore things, or people. It’s just not his nature. Everyone can get distracted, sure, but this is over the top.
Finally, he runs a hand through his hair and meets my eyes, and I don’t like what I see. Apprehension. He’s holding back something, and I can’t tell what it is.
“No babe, everything’s fine. I had a bit too much fun Saturday night myself, and just got busy yesterday with Charlie once she got home. That’s all.” His lips curve into a smile that makes his face light up. The knot in my stomach loosens, and I smile back, a sense of relief washing over me.
I need to get out of my head and stop overthinking everything. If left to my own devices, I’ll doom us both without a word being spoken. My mind can be a terrible place to live once doubts start taking residence. I’ve sabotaged relationships by not being able to trust. I don’t want that to happen with Brad. I want to believe that he means what he says.
The door swings open and Hayley and June come storming in with a haggard Ian trailing behind. It looks like the weekend took something out of all of us. Except the kids, of course. The girls start hopping in a circle with excitement, reminiscing about their amusement park trip. I want to grab some of that emotion and bottle it for myself. If anything, it’s a distraction from the awkwardness between me and Brad. And that is something I can definitely use.
Just moments later, Emmett and Stefan arrive, and Dakota follows not long after. The room is once again filled with music as the guys work through their set for a string of upcoming shows around the southwest.
I’ve been busy with the promotional materials and social media surrounding the mini-tour and keeping tabs with Eliza and Ian to monitor ticket sales. All but two shows are already sold out, and we’ve been in discussions with venues to possibly add more dates. Things are moving fast, now that Dakota has found his place in the band, and everyone is clicking on all cylinders.
During their rehearsal, every now and then, I look up to watch the guys play and I’ll catch Brad looking at me. We’ll lock eyes and I’ll get warm all over. As he holds the mic, I’ll remember what his hands felt like on my bare skin, and as he sings, I can picture his lips all over me. I find myself blushing almost every time our eyes meet, and when I do, he smiles at me, probably thinking the same exact things I am.
“It’s going well, yeah?” Ian asks, sitting next to me on the couch to watch the rehearsal. He’s been bouncing around like a pinball between the guys, the girls, and various phone calls, but he’s got everything under control. You would think the transition from rocker to music executive, to now band manager would be difficult, but he knows his shit, that’s for sure. Experience in the different worlds helps.
“Yeah, and it looks like the new date in Phoenix is finalized, too,” I say, showing him the email I just got from Eliza.
“Good, good. It’s a great start.”
I arch an eyebrow at him. “Start?”
He shrugs. “World domination. That’s the goal, right? Get these guys in front of as many fans as possible. We’re touring one corner of one country and look at the response. I think we’re ready for more, don’t you?”
Considering how well ticket sales are going, he might not be far off. But still, I’m apprehensive. Maybe because I’m still new to this I want to test the waters first. I can’t help but feed off his positive attitude, though. He obviously knows what he’s talking about.
“I’m still in research mode, but can’t argue with the numbers so far,” I say, raising my voice a little to be heard over the music. It might be my imagination, but it seems like they’ve turned up the volume at least a few levels.
During a break in the music, Brad’s phone rings, and after looking at the screen, he excuses himself and steps outside. “I gotta take this guys. I’ll be right back.”
Ian and I take advantage of the relative quiet to call Eliza to discuss adding more dates to the tour. While they talk numbers and budgets, my mind wanders to Brad outside and his phone call. I know that Ren has been checking in a lot on Charlie, especially since the whole social media incident. She usually calls around this time of day, so I don’t think too much about it. The rest of the band head out not long after for a smoke break.
After a few minutes, and the additional dates agreed on, Ian and I head outside to tell the guys the news. The bright sun is blinding at first, but once my eyes adjust, I notice Brad away from the rest, leaning against the building with his back to us, obviously on a video call.
“Well, I just wanted to say hi. I miss you so much. And I still care about you…”It’s a female voice, and it’s not Ren. My breath freezes in my lungs. Even Ian next to me halts in his tracks, unsure what to do.
“I still care about you too, babe…” Brad says without missing a beat. He didn’t even have to think about it.
“Why don’t we go inside, and we can talk to everyone after the break?” Ian suggests, grabbing my elbow gently and steering me back into the building. Emmett, Stefan, and Dakota all avoid meeting my eyes as we go, obviously embarrassed for me.
And that’s what I am – embarrassed. It’s the only thing I can even feel. I’ve been played like the fool that I am, and everyone here knows it. Shock doesn’t even begin to cover it. I’m absolutely paralyzed emotionally.
There are no tears.
There’s nothing.
I feel nothing.
As Ian ushers me toward the battered leather couch, the girls run up and start dancing around us. Their butterfly wings are complete, and they’re showing them off. My brain is having a hard time switching gears from the utter devastation I’m feeling to the happy cacophony around me.
The wings really are beautiful, though, and I somehow find the strength to allow myself to be pulled into their excitement. These precious girls didn’t hurt me. Charlie didn’t betray me. Her father did, and I can’t blame her for that.
“These are amazing, girls. You really outdid yourselves this time,” I say, my throat tightening. Every ounce of energy I possess is being poured into keeping it together. A smile is a bit much to ask for, but I think I succeed in at least being earnest. The girls are too busy giggling and pretending to fly around to really notice anyway.
My heart hurts for Charlie too. I’ve really been growing close with her these last few weeks and can’t stand the thought of disappointing her. I know what that’s like, since I’ve been there too. Wanting a family; to see your parents happy and whole. To feel like you’re a part of something bigger even though you don’t quite understand it. I don’t want to be the cause of her pain, even if it’s not my fault.
When the guys come back in a few minutes later, Brad is still not with them. Meaning, he’s probably still on the phone with whoever it was that ‘misses him so much.’ My heart clenches even more, though I’m still numb.
The awkwardness in the room could be cut with a knife, and I hate it. I hate being the center of attention, and even though everyone is purposely not looking at me, I know that I am what everyone is thinking about. They all know that I’m an idiot, and they also know that I just figured that out. If I was embarrassed a few minutes ago, it’s only magnified exponentially now.
The only thing I can do is busy myself with my work, though I’m not really seeing the screen in front of me. Words are jumbling together, and pictures are unfocused. The layout for the latest graphic I was working on suddenly doesn’t make sense to me. Nothing does.
Brad comes back, and I can’t help but look up at him. Like a magnet, I’m still drawn to his every move. I can’t help myself. Even now.
More like a moth to a flame, I think.
He gives me a smile and a wink as he walks past, and even touches my shoulder lightly. I instantly tense up, and my skin flares where his fingers grazed me, but I force myself not to react in any way. For some reason I don’t want to give away that I overheard his conversation, and I don’t know why.
“I still care about you too, babe…”
Part of me wants to scream at him right here and now in front of everyone, including Charlie, and another part wants to run away and hide, never to be found. All these instincts inside of me are warring with each other, and I can do nothing. My brain is still processing, and my heart is still breaking into a million tiny pieces. Each beat of my heart sends another jagged shard through my bloodstream, slicing at me and reminding me of the pain that’s going to overtake me when I’m finally alone.
Ian reaches over and rubs my shoulder gently for a moment, and that little act of kindness almost undoes me. It’s sympathy, and I appreciate it, but it’s too much. I was fine until this moment, though that’s probably a lie, too.
The unshed tears are burning behind my eyes, and my throat hurts as I hold in the scream that wants to let loose. I can’t be here anymore.
“I need to go,” I say roughly to Ian, gathering my things as the band starts into their set again. I grab my purse and laptop, and wave goodbye to the girls. “I’ll keep up with our group chat on the new dates, okay?” I say to Ian, not waiting for his response.
I push through the door and hurry to my car, on the brink of losing it. Somehow, I make it behind the wheel before the tears break free. And once they start, I don’t think they’ll ever stop.
I hate myself for letting this happen. I knew better than to get involved with someone like Brad. I knew his history. I knew his reputation, and yet somehow, I thought he’d change for me? I’m that special that I can change someone’s innate way of being? Please. I’m not special at all. Brad’s proven that hasn’t he?
Alarm bells were going off in my head, and I just started dancing along, ignoring their dire warning to pay attention. To run away. To do the right thing and protect myself.
Well, I get it now. Too late, but I get it.
The damage, however, is already done.