35. Shame On Me – Tess
My phone dings with another text alert from Brad, and I just turn off notifications. Now I know how he felt over the weekend with my incessant stupid texts. This is different, though.
Very different.
I’ve been crying since I left the studio, and I can’t seem to stop the tears. I really did let myself fall for Brad and think that I was somehow special to him. I opened myself up for this pain, knowing his reputation, hell – even running into one of his exes on our first damned date.
Hello? Red flag.
I should have known better. I’m not rockstar-girlfriend material. My skin isn’t thick enough. I don’t have the emotional fortitude to deal with this kind of thing. I have enough trust issues thanks to my past relationships to know that much. I’m not strong enough to let things go so quickly. When I hurt, I hold it close.
Did he really think I wouldn’t find out he still has feelings for someone else? Does he really think that little of me? Hell, if he was just honest about it from the beginning I could possibly understand. Lingering emotions for exes are normal – it’s what you do with them that matters. Discussing those feelings with your ex and hiding it from your current love interest is not how you deal with that. Not in any universe I’m aware of, at least.
Honesty and clear communication are so crucial, especially in a new relationship. The disrespect I should be feeling, however, is dwarfed by the overwhelming hurt that is drowning me. It’s only been a few weeks, and I’ve fallen so hard for Brad so quickly, I should have known that it was too good to be true.
My phone lights up, and I can’t help but look to see if it’s another text or call from Brad, but it’s Ivy.
Shit.
Do I want to tell this story yet? Share this pain with my best friend? Or do I still want to hold onto it a little longer and dwell in my sorrow alone? I give in and answer, not hiding the fact that I’ve been crying.
“Hello?” I croak, my throat raw with emotion.
“How are you holding up?” she asks, sympathy in her voice. That throws me off kilter.
“How do you know what happened?” There’s no way Ivy could possibly know what happened this afternoon.
She hesitates. “What do you mean? It’s all over the internet.”
A lump forms in my throat, nearly choking me, and my heart starts racing. The entire world now knows my shame and betrayal. What the hell?
“How? Nobody else was there…”
“Wait. What?” she sounds just as confused as I do. “Where?”
We’re getting nowhere fast with this kind of questioning.
“How about you tell me what you’re talking about,” I offer, trying to calm my breathing that’s running away with me.
“The story about Brad and his ex, Sienna something-or-other, getting back together. She just did a tell-all with Blindsided, and the internet is eating it up.”
“Sierra,” I correct, going through the rolodex of ex-girlfriends in my head. Of course, I know who all of his exes are, it was part of my research for the band when I took the PR job. I had to know everything about who or what could pop out of the woodwork, and here she is.
That must be who Brad was talking to earlier today. Sierra Stevens, the swimsuit model from Texas, where things are definitely…bigger. They were on-and-off with each other for a year or so before he got together with Gina. And if I remember correctly, they were even engaged at one point. She’s the only one that got that close with him.
Of course, she is. She’s perfect. She was a bit of a media darling for a while, so I’m not at all surprised that she’s gone to the tabloids with this story.
“Is it true?” Ivy asks, and the reality of it hits me like a ton of bricks.
The tears start again, and no matter how hard I try, I can’t hold them back. I’m such an idiot.
“I think so.”
“What does that mean? You think so? Didn’t Brad say anything?”
‘I still care about you too, babe…’
Those words still ricochet around my heart, bruising everything in their path.
“Not directly, but I overheard a conversation earlier between the two of them that would confirm it.” Saying it out loud should make me feel better, but instead I feel even more like shit.
“Oh,” Ivy says quietly, but then shifts gears. “Well then, fuck that guy. He doesn’t deserve you anyway.”
“Ivy…”
“I mean it. You are a fucking Goddess, and he should feel honored to even be in your presence. If he’s too blind to see that, then fuck him.”
I appreciate what she’s trying to do, I really do, but it’s too much. I need to withdraw for a minute. Take a breath. But the world has other ideas about what I need, apparently.
The call is interrupted by another one. Eliza.
“I have to go, Ivy. Work is calling,” I say, trying to steel myself for the upcoming onslaught that I need to put my professional hat on for, even though my heart is still breaking.
“Okay but call me back. Don’t shut down. Got it?”
“Got it,” I say, and take a deep breath before switching calls, the tremor in my voice thankfully gone for the time being. “Hi Eliza.”
“I take it you’ve seen the Blindsided article?” she asks, and I detect an edge of worry in her tone.
“I literally just heard about it, and am now looking into it…” It’s the truth at least. Not all of it, but it’s all Eliza needs to know.
“Well, talk to Brad, and get his side of it. If it’s true, fine. Whatever. We’ll deal with it. But if it’s not, we need to shut it down. We can’t have people using Chaos Fuel’s rising star to pull themselves up. You know what I mean?”
The thought of confronting Brad about this makes me feel sick to my stomach. That’s the last thing I want to do right now. But, of course, it’s also my job.
“I understand,” I say, determined to keep things professional. “I’m on it. Don’t worry.”
“Okay. Do your thing, Tess.”
We end the call, and I stare at my phone blankly. I don’t want to do this.
I could quit. Find work somewhere else. Anywhere else. I could move to another country and do any other kind of job. One that doesn’t deal with people. One that doesn’t rip my heart to shreds. Or I could go back to fixing politician’s fucked up lives… That thought turns my stomach.
The runaway train that is my thought process derails, and I think about Charlie. The little girl with the big brain and even bigger heart. She tried so hard to get me and her dad together, I don’t know how she’s going to react to him and Sierra. Does Sierra care about Charlie like I do? Does she play games and do crafts with her? Talk to her like she’s a real person and not just a child?
I’m losing so much more than Brad, and the magnitude of it is killing me. If I’m honest with myself, I did let my imagination run a little wild with the idea of us all together. Even if it was only part-time with Charlie, it felt like we had created a wonderful dynamic between the three of us. We were forging bonds I didn’t even know existed, or only dreamt of.
And now…