Meant For Her

6. Dakota

One month later

“Okay, my girls,” I announce once I walk into the kitchen, tucking my white cotton button-down shirt into my light beige cargo pants, “are we ready for school?” I clap my hands as the girls finish their breakfast. “First day of school.” I shoot up my hand, wiggling my fingers like jazz hands.

“Are you done?” I ask Luna, who puts the last piece of strawberry in her mouth and nods at me. “Go brush your teeth.”

“Okay, Momma,” she agrees, sliding off the stool she was on and skipping over to the downstairs bathroom, where they both have extra toothbrushes for after breakfast time.

“What about you?” I look over at Rain. “You done with yours?”

“Yeah,” she says softly, pushing her plate with three strawberries toward me. “I’m going to go brush my teeth.”

“Okay.” I put the plates in the sink to deal with after drop-off. Luna comes back, skipping the whole time, a smile on her beautiful face.

I squat down in front of her. “You know how pretty you are?” I ask, and she shrugs with shyness. I kiss her nose before Rain comes back in. Her accordion uniform skirt sways left and right as she tucks in her white polo shirt.

“Ready?” I ask as she slides her white-socked feet into her blue Mary Jane shoes.

“Ready, Freddy,” Luna chirps before walking to the front door, where I usher the kids out of the house. Grabbing each of them, I slide their backpacks onto their shoulders, and Rain picks up her lunchbox.

We walk down the steps toward the white Range Rover. “Oh, girls,” I say, stopping as I’m opening the back door of the SUV, “we need to send Grandpa a picture of the three of us.”

I squat down between them and smile at the camera. “Say hip, hip hooray for school.” I extend my arm in front of me and snap a picture of the three of us smiling. I was very good with my makeup today; you can barely see the black circles under my eyes from sleeping three to five hours a night.

I open my text and hurriedly text Eddie before I get Luna in the car, helping her buckle her seat belt, while Rain does hers. “It’s going to be a good day.” I slam the back door closed and then open the driver’s side door.

The kids and I listen to music on the way to drop off Rain first. Driving is the time I kind of hate the most because I let my mind wander. It’s been almost three months since Benji died. Our new normal has been a learning curve for all of us. After I packed away his clothes and had Eddie take them out, I thought it would be easier, but it’s been harder than ever. I sometimes find Rain crying and saying she misses her dad. Luna is a little less often because I don’t think she gets the full picture.

I pull into the parking lot, seeing a couple of familiar faces from last year. I also see a couple of the wives huddled together, talking and laughing. I get out of the SUV, opening the back door to let Luna out before helping Rain get down.

“Have everything?” I ask, looking down at her. I avoid looking up because I can feel that all eyes are on us. I know people are watching, wondering how we are doing. Wondering if we are coping. Wondering how the fuck I’m going to do it. Or maybe it’s all in my head, and my paranoia is cutting in.

I hold the girls’ hands as we walk into the schoolyard. “Are we going to have the best day?” I ask them, and they both nod at me. I finally look up at everyone and see a couple of people quickly look away, afraid of getting caught staring at us, while a couple of the wives hold their hands up and wave.

I stop by the brown door where the teacher waits for everyone. “Okay, Rain.” I squat down in front of her, blinking away the tears that are itching to come out. “Give me a hug.”

She wraps her arms around my neck. “You’ll be here to pick me up, right?” she whispers.

“You betcha,” I assure her. “Then we’ll go and get Luna together,” I whisper in her ear before kissing her cheek. “I love you, baby girl.”

“Love you too, Mom,” she replies and then turns around, walking into the brown door. I stand back up and watch her walk down the hall with another little girl. My heart feels like it’s going to pound right through my chest. I wait until I can’t see her anymore and quickly wipe away the lone tear from the corner of my eye.

“Shall we go drop you off?” I look over at Luna, who’s standing beside me, holding my hand.

I walk toward the gate to leave the schoolyard but have to move more to the side when the school bus gets here. About seventy kids all rush to get into the school. I come face-to-face with the wives, who are all hanging out chatting. “Hey,” Paulette says to me, a smile on her face, “how are you?” She comes to kiss me on my cheek.

“Hi, guys.” I put on a fake smile, going to the four of them and kissing their cheeks. The team has been really good about bringing food for us periodically. At first, it was every single day, sometimes twice a day. The calls were nonstop, but now they are slowing down, which is something I knew would happen.

“Hey,” Brittany reminds me, “don’t forget Friday night.” I look at her confused about what Friday night is. “Remember, I called you last week?” She laughs. “It’s the big family skate day right before the preseason starts.” It’s something the team has been doing for the past ten years. It was a night when everyone had the best time. Back from summer break, right before heading back to the reality of being on the road and starting the season. It was one of the girls’ favorite times, so I said yes because I thought they would love it, but deep down, I don’t think it’s a good idea.

I swallow down the big golf ball. “Yeah, I think we’re still good to go,” I say, put on the spot, knowing I can’t lie with Luna here. Because one thing I’ve learned about lying with kids is that they will out you each time. “I’ll let you know.” I look down at Luna, who is waving like crazy to a couple of girls who have come over for playdates. “You ladies have a great day,” I say as quickly as I can to get the fuck out of here.

Drop-off for Luna is a little less awkward but still the same. The teachers look at us like they all feel sorry for us, and I have to fight not to tell them all to fuck off, which is the stupidest thing. Luna quickly waves her hand before rushing to play with her friends.

With my head down, I walk out of the daycare to the car. The phone beeps in my hand, and I see it’s a text from Christopher.

Christopher: Happy first day back at school and daycare.

My heart hammers faster and faster seeing the sentence. When the phone pings again, this time the back of my neck is burning.

Christopher: I’d like to come by and see the kids, maybe take you guys out for dinner? Let me know.

“What the fuck,” I mumble. Opening up the text app, I see that instead of sending the picture to Eddie, I sent it to Christopher. “Fuck, fuck, fuck,” I curse, pulling open the driver’s side door and getting in. Christopher is the only one who has been calling daily. Every single day, he calls, and every single time, I decline the call. I don’t even know why I decline the call; I just do. But lately, he’s been texting me also. Every single day, he asks me if I need anything. I answered him once and never again, but the texts still come. He tries to word the sentences different each time, but in the end, it’s the same. Are you and the girls okay? Bottom line—we are not.

I toss my phone aside, starting the car and driving to go get myself a coffee before I make my way over to my appointment.

The phone feels like it weighs a million pounds as I pull open the glass door before taking the elevator up to the seventh floor. “Hi,” I greet as soon as I step off the elevator. “How are you, Melanie?” I say to the receptionist.

“I’m great, Dakota.” She smiles, using my full name. “She is waiting for you. You can go ahead.”

I nod at her, walking toward the open brown door in the corner, stepping in, and closing it behind me. “Hello, Koda,” Dr. Mendes says to me, her face beaming with a smile. “How are you doing?” She walks around her desk to greet me. “Please, have a seat wherever you want.” She points at the couch she has in the corner or the single chair beside it.

“Hi,” I reply softly, going to the couch and sitting down, “I’m doing…” I take a breath and let the tears come. This is my safe space. “Just dropped the kids off at school.”

“It’s a big day,” she notes softly, going to sit in another single chair that faces the couch. “First day of school is emotional on a whole other level.”

I nod at her. “It really is.” I wipe the tears away. “I know them being in school is going to be good. I know they need it, but I’m…” I try to think of the words. “I think I’m feeling lost.”

“Well, you’ve had a roller coaster the last three months,” she points out. “It’s like you are constantly on the go to make sure the kids don’t feel like they are missing out on anything, and now it’s slowed down, and they have gotten off, but you are still on there waiting.”

During one of my insomnia nights in the beginning, I spent a long time on the internet searching for things about how to go on after losing your loved one. The most mentioned was seeking help, so I called the top name and came to Dr. Mendes. We had a phone call before anything to see if we meshed well, and I loved her from the get-go. The first meeting with her was a rough one because all I did was sob. Literally sobbed for a whole hour. I think maybe I got out five words, but she just sat there knowing this was what I needed, and in the end, I really did. Especially since I never shed a tear in front of the kids, being free to do this with her, knowing no one was going to catch me, was freeing in a way. “Yeah,” I say, sitting back and playing with the white paper coffee cup in my hand.

“What else is on your mind?” she asks, looking from me to my hands nervously trying to stay busy.

“There is this big event this Friday with Benji’s team,” I admit to her.

“And are you going?” She looks at me, and I take a deep breath.

“I don’t know if I should,” I say softly.

“And why shouldn’t you?” she asks.

“Because I’m still furious with them,” I snap. “I’m so fucking pissed that they helped him lead the life he did.”

“Did they really help him?” Her voice never goes up or down.

“I mean, they didn’t put a stop to it.” I shrug. “Then again, neither did I.” The guilt of not speaking up before he died is always the last thing I think about before I drift off to sleep and the first thing I think about when I wake up. If I have a minute to spare during the day, it’s there like a nagging thought. What did you do to help him? It’s the loaded question that runs through my mind. It also guilts me that I have no answer to that question. Or better yet, the answer to that question is nothing. I did nothing to help him, just like they did.

“Benji is the only one who was responsible for what happened. Not you, his teammates, his father, or your girls. He was the one who made the decision each time he took those drugs.” She’s one thousand percent right. No one could have helped Benji if he didn’t want it.

“It’s a disease,” I try to defend him, but even I know.

“Yes, it is. And people get help every single day.” She leans forward. “When they want to.”

“It’s going to be fucking awkward,” I finally say. “Like everyone is going to be there with their family, and then it’s the sad widow and his kids.”

“Have they treated you differently?” I shake my head at the question. “And if Benji was still here, would you go?”

“Well, I’m not sure.” I stop there. “I mean, I’m sure the kids would go with him, but I’m not sure I would. The kids would love it.”

“This is your new normal,” she reminds me. “You can either stay home and wallow in the grief or?—”

“Or?” I respond right away. “Whatever the or is, I choose or.” She laughs at me. “For the girls, I’ll suck it up, and worst case”—I smirk—“it’ll be a three-session week. And you’ll see me every second day.”

“We can work with that.” She nods at me, and the rest of the hour is spent planning how I’m going to start to take back my life, or at least try.

The week flies by with school and me trying to make sure I’m busy every hour of the day the kids are gone. My house is now ready for winter even though it’s only September. Most of the summer clothes are packed away, and the winter clothes are waiting to be worn.

It’s Friday night, and the girls are running into my room wearing blue jeans and their team jerseys with Benji’s name on them while I sit on the bed putting on my white sneakers. “I’m ready,” Rain announces, smiling at me. “Did you pack my skates?”

“I did,” I assure her. “I did that this morning after I dropped you off.”

“Mine too?” Luna asks, and I nod at her, wondering how the fuck she is going to go on the ice without Benji. I mean, I can skate a little bit, but not enough to make sure she doesn’t fall. Worst case, I’ll fall and she’ll fall on top of me.

“Yes, yours too,” I say, hoping she gets there and decides she’d rather play in the kids’ suite than go on the ice.

“Let’s go.” I get up, grab the light blue jean jacket, and put it on top of the white shirt I paired with my black leggings. I roll the sleeves to the jacket before walking out with the girls. Every second we get closer and closer to the arena, I feel like I’m going to throw up. I have to breathe in through my nose and out my mouth. The pressure on my chest is so tight I cough a couple of times to help with my breathing.

Pulling into the underground garage makes my hands shake when I hold up the parking pass. The door opens right away. I make my way down and turn the corner when I see Christopher getting out of his truck. His eyes automatically go to mine and his face fills with a smile as he points at what used to be Benji’s parking spot. I pull into the spot, seeing they have yet to take down his name. My heart jackhammers in my chest.

I don’t have a chance to even think twice about it when the girls yell his name, “Uncle Christopher!” Rain unbuckles her seat belt.

I turn off the car and unlock the doors right before he opens the back door. “Oh my goodness.” His voice is like butter. “Look at these girls,” he gasps, “they got so big.”

“Uncle Chrissy,” Luna announces, “I brought my skates.” The minute she says that, I inwardly cringe, knowing I will have no choice but to embarrass myself by getting on the ice with her.

“I hope so.” He grabs Rain by her waist and takes her out, kissing her cheek. “Did you bring yours?” She nods as he puts her down, closing the door and walking around the other side to do the same thing with Luna. “Someone got taller,” he croons when he kisses her cheek, “you are almost the same height as me.”

He puts her down as I get out of the SUV. “Hey,” he greets me, wrapping his arm around my waist and kissing my cheek. “It’s so good to see you.” I just nod at him, taking him in. He’s wearing light blue jeans with a white shirt and a black jacket on top. His black-and-white Vans finish the outfit. It’s a casual outfit, but the way it fits him, it’s more like he’s a model than anything else. I mean, his looks make all the girls go crazy for him, but it’s the way he cares about everyone and everything that makes him special. He’s always the first one to help if something happens to anyone. He goes above and beyond for his friends. He showed me time and time again when it was with Benji, whether it was to help build that tree house in the yard or he had to get a Santa Claus costume because he forgot. It was always Christopher as his backup guy. He lets me go and looks at me again. “I’m so happy you guys came. If I knew you were coming, I would have come picked you up.”

“We should get in there.” I avoid answering his statement and instead go to the trunk to grab the girls’ bags. I’m about to grab them when I feel him behind me. He reaches past me, our hands landing on the handles of the bags at the same time.

“I got it,” he says when all I can do is stare at his hand covering mine. I quickly slip my hand from under his, turning to the girls while he grabs the bags.

“Let’s go,” he invites, and we walk to the door. It’s a walk I’ve made hundreds of times before, but it’s so much different this time. I look over at the girls to make sure they are okay as we step into the hallway leading down to the locker room.

I don’t know why I expected it to be awkward and weird, but it’s nothing like that. It’s like it always was when we attended a game.

The kids head into the locker room and sit down where Benji’s name still hangs, which is right next to Christopher, who takes off his shoes and quickly puts on his skates. I go through the motions of getting the kids in their skates. I can hardly hear the noise around me from all the squealing kids because my heart pounds so loud and fast it’s echoing. I sit down next and put my skates on, trying to tell myself it’s not going to be as bad as I think it will be.

“I’m ready,” Luna states, grabbing her little helmet. “Mommy, are you coming?”

“Um,” I start and look at my skates. I think about how awkward it’s going to be with me ending up on my ass. But I’ll do it for the kids and hope for the best. I’m about to stand and pretend I’m okay when I see Christopher get up on his skates.

“How about I take them?” Christopher says. “If it’s okay with you?”

“Are you sure?” I ask, and he looks at Rain and then Luna.

“Can I take you on the ice with me, and Mommy can just stay and take pictures?” he asks them, and they nod.

“I need you to hold me,” Luna tells Christopher. “I don’t know how to skate.”

“I won’t let you fall, pretty girl,” he assures her softly. “Take your skates off and meet me out there.” The girls wobble away from me, saying hi to everyone as they make their way to the ice.

“Are you sure about this?” I ask softly.

“Yup.” He nods and then smirks, his blue eyes getting even brighter. “This way, you can’t avoid me,” he declares before he walks out of the room to join my girls.