11. Dakota
“Have you decided what you’re going to do?” Dr. Mendes asks.
“That’s a loaded question.” I look over at her. “Have I decided what I’m going to do for dinner? Have I decided what I’m going to do when my girls go to sleep tonight?”
She laughs with me. “I meant, have you decided what you’re going to do about the first game of the season?” I nod at her.
“Aha,” I say, “I’m not sure. I know I should go. I know the girls are going to want to go. I know if I go, in the end, I’ll have a nice evening out.”
“But?” She always goes to but, and it sometimes feels like I’m having a conversation with the girls. We can have this, but would you rather this?
“But should I even be there?” I shrug. Last week, the team”s general manager made it a point to call me and tell me that even though Benji isn’t with us anymore, my place will always be with the association.
“It’s not like you’ve never been to a game before.” The minute she says the words, I point at her.
“That’s true.” I take a sip of my coffee. “But I don’t know.”
“So maybe do it for the girls.” She smirks. “And a little for you.”
“I have to be at a hockey arena tomorrow morning at seven o’clock,” I snap, “on a Saturday.” She throws her head back and laughs. It’s been over two weeks since the girls started hockey whatever it’s called. Two weeks and they thrive at it. Even Luna is getting better and better.
“I don’t know, but something tells me you’ll survive.” I bring the cup of coffee to my lips and snort before I take another sip. I will survive.
The session ends with me deciding I should go, if just for the kids. I put “drink wine in a bubble bath” as something to do for myself after tomorrow.
The kids don’t even complain when I wake them both up at six, which bothers me to no end. The soft knock on the door still surprises me, but then again, it doesn’t. Christopher has been to every single practice in the past two weeks. I know with the season starting this weekend, he won’t be able to make some of them.
“I made you coffee.” I hand him the black thermos I prepared for him, just in case he came.
“Thank God.” He holds out his hand to grab the thermos. His hand is colder than mine, and I can feel a shiver crawl up my spine. “I literally rolled out of bed five minutes ago.”
“Well, it looks like it.” I chuckle while he glares at me. Practice is pretty much the same as it’s been the last two weeks. The two of us sit side by side while Christopher leans over occasionally and points out kids he’ll have problems with if they do one more thing to the girls. In the past two weeks, we’ve talked on the phone every single day when he calls to check on the girls, and sometimes, he will text me random things during the day, which I usually answer with a thumbs-up or down.
“See you tonight,” he says before getting back in his truck after breakfast is consumed and the kids are watching television.
As the day gets later and later, I feel the nerves rolling in with a punch. I feel like I’m going to throw up every five seconds. The girls wear jeans and the team jerseys with Benji’s number on the back that say Daddy on them. I swallow down the lump in my throat before going into my closet to get dressed. I slip on a pair of tight black jeans. They used to be tighter on me, but they’re not horrible. I decide to also grab a black bodysuit that fits perfectly. Buttoning up the jeans, I slide into a pair of white Gucci sneakers.
I move to the bathroom to touch up my hair, which I spent way too much time on. I tried to convince myself I was doing it for me, but in reality, I was doing it for everyone else. To make them see I’m okay, or at least trying to be. My hands shake as I walk down the steps and yell for the girls that it’s time to go.
They put on their sneakers at the door while I take the leather jacket and slip it on. I snap a picture of myself and send it to Dr. Mendes with the caption “You can take the widow to the game, but you can’t make her wear color.” I snort at my own joke before grabbing my keys and heading outside.
I try to control my breathing as I turn down to the parking garage where the families park. The girls are so excited they have been bouncing off the walls all afternoon long. They wouldn’t even take a nap. I’m hoping they want to crash in the second period so I can leave. I grab the badge I was sent on Wednesday before we make our way over to the family suite.
The team has three whole sections of suites that they have made into one big one. It always has food and drinks, but then there are about a hundred seats in front of the suite for people to sit and actually watch the game. My neck burns as I get closer and closer, the chatting of everyone around me fades away and all I can hear is my heart thumping in my chest. “This is it,” I say when I smile at the security guard at the door, who nods at me when he sees the badge.
As soon as I walk in, I want to turn around and walk right back out the door. Maybe this is too fast. Maybe I should have waited to come back. My eyes quickly fly around the room like a deer in headlights. I think my knees are about to give out when I hear my name being called. Looking over, I’m shocked to see it’s Christopher’s dad. “Dakota,” he says, the smile on his face beams, “hi.” When he gets close enough, he bends to kiss my cheek. “Hi.” He bends to kiss the girls on the top of their heads. “Look at how big you two got.”
“I skate,” Luna says.
“Do you?” Justin says. “How fun. Maybe you can come skate with me sometime.”
She nods before he stands back up to talk to me. “How have you been?”
“Good,” I answer as I look to the side and see Caroline, Christopher’s mom, talking to a beautiful woman with blond hair. She is deep in the conversation, but when she sees me, her eyes light up as she touches the girl’s hand to stop her from talking and walks to me.
“Oh my goodness,” she says softly, coming in to hug me. “I am so, so happy to see you.”
“It’s great to see you.” The nerves that I had in my body before somewhat fade away. I thought it would be awkward to see everyone, and everyone would somehow make me feel like a poor widow. The crowd claps, and the lights turn on and off.
“Who wants to go down to the glass and maybe get some pucks?” Justin asks the girls, who both jump up. Every single time he’s been at the game, which is pretty often in the past couple of years since he retired from coaching, he’s almost always taken the girls down to the glass for me.
“Me! Me!” they both say at the same time, clapping their hands.
“I want to, I want to!” Luna shrieks out, making Justin smile at her.
“Is it okay if I take them?” he asks, and they are already sliding their hands in his.
“I want Christopher to give me a puck,” Rain states as her eyes light up.
“Well, I think we can arrange that,” he says, walking out of the room with the girls. My eyes wait until the door closes behind them before I turn back around to talk to Caroline.
“I’m sorry, I’ve been rude.” She laughs. “Koda,” she says my name, “this is Christopher’s friend, Keely.” She points at the girl, and I try to hide the shock on my face.
“Oh, hi,” I say, holding out a hand to shake hers. “Nice to meet you, Keely.” My throat feels like it’s going to close in. The back of my head burns as if I just poured boiling water on it.
“Thank you.” She smiles at me. “So is your husband on the team?” she asks, and I swear I think Caroline is going to faint when she asks me that.
“He was,” I say. “He passed away this summer.” I wait to see if her eyes light up when I say it. But all she does is put her hand to her mouth.
“I’m so, so sorry.” Her voice is low, and I feel so bad for her.
“That’s okay.” I put my hand on her arm. “You didn’t know. It’s okay.” Wow, I didn’t think this would happen. It’s the first time that I’m okay with discussing my husband being dead. I mean, it’s not like I go walking around in the supermarket and say, “Excuse me, my husband died.”
The kids come barreling back in after that, both of them holding two black pucks in their hands. “Look what Christopher gave me,” Luna crows.
“Justin said to make him sign it.” Rain looks up at Justin, who has his hand on her shoulder.
I don’t say anything else because the door opens, and I see more of Justin’s family enter the room. Everyone is very nice to me, and not one person looks at me with the sadness or pity that people usually have in their eyes. That is the worst. Justin comes over after a couple of minutes and hands me a glass of white wine. “Caroline said to go sit down and enjoy the game.”
I look over and see she is sitting down with the girl while they tell her stories, but then the roar of the crowd is almost deafening. “Guess they are taking the ice.” I turn and look at the girls, who run to the front of the chairs looking over the glass. I make my way through the crowd of people to sit down on the chair right behind them. Caroline joins me a couple of minutes later and then Keely sits next to her.
The minute his number is announced, you can feel the thunder of the crowd under your feet. Keely stands up and holds up her phone, taking a video of him. The smile fills her face as a video plays on the Jumbotron. I watch his face fill the screen and then hear the kids cheer with their hands over their head as they call his name, “Uncle Chrissy!” Luna looks over at me and points at the screen, like I can’t see his blue eyes that look like they are staring right at me and not at the twenty-four thousand people standing for him.
The spotlight goes to the door of the bench, and then he’s there, walking like he’s on a runway, before he slides onto the ice. He looks left and right with his hand in the air, saying hi to everyone. I clap my hands along with everyone else, and then I stand, looking over at Keely, who has hearts in her eyes. My stomach burns a touch, and I put my hand to it as the game starts. I cannot be jealous of this woman, my head screams.
For the whole game, the kids are either playing in the kids’ suite right next door or watching the game. I look over and see Justin holding Luna sometimes before she squirms away. By the end of the third period, I’m getting up to leave when Rain comes over. “Can we wait to say hi to Christopher?”
“Honey, it’s late,” I say softly. “Plus, we don’t know if he’ll come right out.”
“But—” she says, and I hold up a hand.
“We can stay for twenty minutes.” I show her my watch. “When it says ten fifty-eight, we have to leave.”
“Okay.” She nods at me while Luna crawls into my lap and sits here, exhaustion written all over her face. My foot goes up and down as I wait nervously, and when it turns to ten fifty-eight, I look over at Rain, who is fighting sleep.
“Baby,” I call softly, “we can call him tomorrow and see if he’s busy.”
“Okay,” she mumbles, getting up, but at this point, Luna is dead asleep on me. I turn her around and hold her under her bum.
“We’re going to head out,” I tell Justin, who stands with his brother Matthew.
“Let me help you to the car,” he offers, and I shake my head.
“No, we’re good. The kids wanted to see Christopher, but their glass carriage is quickly turning into a pumpkin.”
“We are going to see you tomorrow, right?” Matthew says to me. “Family lunch.” Every time Christopher’s whole family is in town, they have a Sunday family lunch. I’ve been to mostly all of them.
“Oh,” I say, looking down at Rain, “I have to check.”
“You sure you don’t need help?” Justin looks worried.
“I’ve got them,” I tell him, and he just nods and kisses my cheek. “I hope I see you tomorrow.”
I say goodbye to Caroline, who kisses Luna on her cheek softly and then hugs Rain. “It was nice meeting you.” I smile at Keely. The whole night she has been very friendly and super sweet, so hating her has been knocked off the table.
I walk out of the suite, heading down to the garage. The arena is almost empty with just a couple of people walking around. I take the escalator down to the parking lot. The doors leading to the offices and the locker room are closed as I head down the hallway toward my parked car.
I’m opening the back door of the SUV, and I’m about to put Luna in when I hear my name being called. Looking over my shoulder, I see Christopher rushing out wearing a black suit with a white button-down shirt without his tie. “Hey,” he says, jogging over to us. “My father just texted me that you were out here all by yourself.”
“I’m not by myself,” I tell him. “I’m with the girls.”
“Yeah, but—” He pulls Luna off me and then turns her in his arms to place her in her seat. He buckles her in and kisses her cheek before closing the door and then squatting to talk to Rain. “Hey there.” He pulls her into his arms. “Are you tired?”
“Yeah,” she admits. “Will you sign my puck?”
“You bet.” He chuckles. “But tomorrow. How about you guys get home to bed.” She nods, and he picks her up, walking around to the other side, putting her in. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”
He closes the door and then walks over to me. “Thanks for staying.” He puts his hands in his pockets, and he looks like he’s nervous.
“I met Keely.” I don’t even know why I said that. “She’s so nice.” I put a smile on my face while my throat gets tight. “I almost apologized to her for taking so much of your time.”
“Why would you do that?” he asks. “You should get going.” He looks at me, as his hand comes out of his pocket as he takes a step to me. My feet stay glued to the ground as he wraps one hand around my waist. Bending his head to me, my mouth opens as he moves his face to the side and kisses my cheek. “Thank you for bringing the girls,” he whispers and then moves his face back a bit, staring at me in my eyes. My hands stay at my sides, while my chest goes up and down quickly as it presses to his. My eyes move from his eyes to his lips and then back up to his eyes. “I’ll call you tomorrow,” he says before his hand slips away from my waist. He pulls open the driver’s side door for me to get in. I get in without looking back at him. My head is going around and around. I pull out of the parking space, looking in my rearview mirror, seeing him watch the SUV before he turns and walks back into the dressing room.
I don’t know what the fuck is happening. I have no idea what just happened. Did Christopher almost just kiss me? But the biggest question right now is, did I want him to kiss me?