12. Christopher
Iwatch the SUV drive up the ramp of the parking garage, then go to the door. Only when the door opens do I turn and walk back to the dressing room. My left hand tingles from it being wrapped around Koda’s waist, and my right hand shakes because what the fuck just happened? Looking down at my feet, I shake out my hands before I pull open the door leading to the suites where my family waits for me.
I take a second once the door closes behind me, putting my hands on my hips as I look up at the white ceiling. I take a deep breath. Tonight was an amazing night. The season opener always hits differently. Something was missing in the locker room. Everyone felt it even though no one wanted to say anything about it for fear we would bring the morale down.
When I lined up to skate on the ice during the introductions, it was weird not having him in front of me since he was assistant captain. I had to blink away the tears and talk myself out of vomiting all over the fucking place, I was that nervous. Once I got on the ice, the fans were electric. The whole team played amazing, and it makes it that much better when we win on home ice.
My phone beeps from inside my pocket, and I pull it out, hoping that it’s Koda, but then scared if it is. I see it’s from my father.
Dad: Hey, we are still in the suite. Did you get to see Koda and the kids?
I answer him right away.
Me: Yeah, I’m on my way.
When I was almost dressed, my father texted me that Koda and the girls just left since the girls wanted to wait for me. I swear to God I almost ran out of the room without my jacket, keys, and phone. I didn’t give a shit. The only thing going through my head was Koda and the kids. Seeing her walking with Luna in her arms, sleeping on her shoulder, and Rain holding her hand, I rushed to them, not thinking about anything but being with them. Buckling Rain into her seat and kissing her cheek while she asked me to sign her puck, I knew then and there that all I wanted to do was go home with them and tuck them in even though I’ve never done this before.
I swallow back the guilt I feel at all of these thoughts. I shouldn’t be thinking about this; it should never have crossed my mind. But every time I close my eyes, all I can see is Koda standing before me. My head felt like it was spinning, and I couldn’t stop it. Her eyes as she looked at me when she told me she met Keely. I’m not even going to lie, it took me a second to realize who she was talking about. When she said she almost apologized to her for taking up my time, all I wanted to do was tell her how much more time I wanted to spend with the girls and her. How much more I wanted things that I shouldn’t want, that I wasn’t allowed to want. I rub my hands over my face, trying to rub away the thoughts going through my head.
I walk toward the suite and find my family waiting for me. “There he is.” My father gets up from the couch he sits on with my uncles Max, Matthew, and Viktor. I don’t know how they do it, but they make sure to be at everyone’s season opener. He walks over to me, giving me a big hug and slapping my back. “Did good.”
“Thanks,” I say, looking around the room and seeing my mother talking to Keely and knowing that by the end of the night, they will never see her again. “Thanks for also taking care of…” I do a chin up toward Keely.
“Yeah, of course,” my father replies. “She’s a nice girl.”
“Yeah.” I put my hands in my pockets.
“We should say goodbye, then.” My father looks down, trying not to laugh.
“That would be good.” I nod, keeping my hands in my pockets. He walks over to my mother and Keely, as Keely looks up at me. Her face fills with a huge smile as she walks over to me.
“Hey,” she says, going in for a hug. I take one hand out of my pocket and hug her, waiting to see if my pulse speeds up. But nothing happens. Not one thing happens like it did in that parking garage. I feel nothing. My pulse doesn’t speed up. My hands don’t itch to touch her face. My arms don’t ache to hold her. Nothing is there.
“Hey,” I say, “thanks for coming.”
“Of course,” she says, “it was so much fun.”
Before I can say anything else to her, my family comes over, and everyone says goodbye, leaving just the two of us in the suite. “We should get going,” I urge, turning and walking out of the suite with her. “Where are you parked?” I ask as we walk down the empty hallway.
“The second floor,” she answers, so I walk over to the escalator and go down one floor and follow the signs toward the parking garage. “It’s crazy how full this place was not an hour ago, and now it’s like a ghost town.” She laughs.
“Yeah.” I look around, seeing she is not wrong. A couple of security guards are still on duty, but other than that, everyone has slowly left.
“It was so much fun,” she gushes again. “Thank you again for asking me to come.”
“You’re welcome.” I inhale as we stop at her car.
“Do you want to maybe get something to eat?” She holds her purse in both her hands in front of her.
I point behind me. “I should get home.”
“Yeah, yeah,” she says, and I want to kick myself for being such an asshole, “of course.”
“I’m sorry, Keely,” I tell her softly, knowing at that moment Zoey was right. I was an asshole to even ask her to come. “I should have told you I’m not really looking for anything right now.” I swear as soon as I say those words, Koda’s face flashes right before me. “It’s just that?—”
Keely just smirks at me, and one of her hands comes up to hold my arm. “You don’t have to say more.”
“Ugh,” I groan out loud, making her laugh. “I feel like such an asshole.”
“Well, I’m sorry to break it to you, but you aren’t an asshole.” She squeezes my arm before letting me go. “I had the best time, and your family is amazing.”
“They have their moments.” I chuckle as she turns and walks to her car.
“See you around, Christopher,” she says right before she gets into her car. I watch her drive away before turning and making my way to my truck.
Instead of driving straight home, I do a detour and pass by Koda’s house. Her SUV is in the driveway, so I know she’s home.
I’m usually wired after every game, but this is different on a whole other level. I don’t even want to think about why. I fall asleep a little after three o’clock, waking at seven and trying but failing to fall back asleep.
Even when I walk into the Sunday family lunch, I’m very cranky. I look around, seeing it’s just the nine of us. When the hockey season starts, the family lunch looks different every weekend, unlike during the summer when it’s all of us. “You look tired,” my mother observes when I lean down to kiss her cheek.
“Yeah, I feel tired,” I admit to her when the doorbell rings. I look over my shoulder at the door opened by my uncle Matthew, who claps his hands.
“Look at these beauties.” He leans down, picking up someone and kissing their cheek. The open door blocks whoever is there. The minute she squeals, I know who it is. It’s as if the blood freezes in my veins, but my heart warms at the same time.
He puts her down as she looks around until her eyes find mine, and she bolts toward me. “Uncle Chrissy,” she cries as she leaps into my arms, knowing full well I’ll catch her each time.
“Hey, pretty girl,” I greet, bringing her to me. My eyes are at the door as I watch Matthew bend and kiss Rain and then see Koda walk in. I swear on everything I have that everything leaves my body. She smiles at something he says as she turns to the side to hug my aunt, who is there to greet her. She wears black jeans with a white shirt tucked in and what looks like an army jacket crop top, but the sleeves flare out at the wrists. Her hair is loose and looks like it did last night when I almost fucking kissed her. Luckily for me, Luna squirms out of my arms to go see my father, who has called her over.
“Uncle Christopher.” Rain comes over to me right away. I bend and pick her up, just like I did Luna. “I brought my puck,” she says, and I shake my head.
“For what?” I shriek, ignoring the pull to look back over at Koda. My heart beats faster and faster as I try not to listen to her voice that seems to be coming closer and closer to me.
“So you can sign it.” She turns in my arms. “Mommy, can I have my puck?” She frees herself from my arms, going to her mother, who now stands very close to me but not close enough. I lift the hat off my head to keep my hands busy from touching her. Or leaning into her to kiss her cheek, or to slide my arms around her shoulders while I pull her to me.
“Sorry,” she mumbles as she opens her purse and hands her the puck with a silver Sharpie. “I told her you could sign it another time.”
“No,” my father says, “get it today.” He grabs a piece of bread out of the basket.
“This is your idea?” I ask as I take the puck and the pen, signing my name.
“Yeah,” he declares proudly as I hand her back the puck. She holds it in her hand and smiles so big I would sign a puck daily if it made her smile like that.
“Thank you, thank you.” She turns and walks over to Koda, who has moved away from me and now chats with my aunt about something.
“Mommy, here,” she says to Koda as she hands the puck to her. “Can you put this in your purse and make sure you don’t lose it?” She opens her purse and sticks it back in, then walks back and places her purse at the door before coming back. She totally avoids looking in my direction, totally avoids that I’m standing right here in the middle of the room, and she has yet to say hello to me. She probably thinks I’m a fucking creep as she walks back over to my aunt and mother, continuing the conversation. My hands ball into fists beside me as I try to talk myself out of going up to her and asking her if I can talk to her.
“You okay?” I hear from beside me, turning to see my father looking at me with a weird expression.
“I’m fine,” I snap, not paying attention to anything because I’m trying to calm myself down. I just need a minute to myself. “I’ll be back,” I tell him, walking toward the stairs and going up them, where I hope to just sit for a minute and get myself together. I find the bathroom, locking the door, and sit on the edge of the bath, hoping like fuck whatever is going on inside me stops. Knowing that whatever it is, I need to get over it because it will never happen. Knowing that whatever I am feeling I have to stop. I don’t want to have these feelings. I lean forward, my head hanging down. “I can’t do it.” I look at myself in the mirror, avoiding looking in my eyes because no matter how much I tell myself I can’t do it, my heart tells me that maybe, just maybe, I can.