13. Dakota
Iwalk out of my Pilates class at the same time the phone rings in my hand. Turning it over, I see it’s Zara Stone calling me. My heart races in my chest as I wonder why she would be calling me. I mean, over the years we have spoken on the phone, but that was only to talk to her about a dress I wanted to buy from her for an event. “Hello,” I say, putting the phone to my ear, my hands starting to shake as I do so.
“Koda.” Her soft voice comes through, and I can tell she’s on speaker. “How are you?”
“Hey.” I unlock my door and climb into the driver’s side. “I’m good. How are you?” I try not to sound like I’m frazzled by her calling. My immediate thought is something is wrong with Christopher, and I don’t want to think about anything bad happening to him.
“Amazing.” I swear I can feel her hype energy through the phone. “I guess you are wondering why I’m calling you?”
“Um,” I say, starting the SUV, “you can say that.” I laugh nervously, closing my eyes, trying to beat back the anxiety that was pouring through my body less than thirty seconds ago.
“I was just chatting with Zoe, and she mentioned she saw you this weekend.”
“Yes.” I look down at the phone, putting it on speakerphone before the Bluetooth catches. “It’s too bad you couldn’t make it.”
“I know, it would have been amazing to see you.” She stops talking for a second. “I hope you don’t mind, but she told me you were looking into getting back into the workforce.” Three days ago, we went to Sunday lunch, and even though I secretly dreaded being there, I went for the kids. I was doing whatever I could not to be forced to look around and see if Christopher was there. I don’t know what was going on with him, but the whole lunch, he was quiet, except when it came to the girls. He sat with them for lunch while I sat at the table with the women, but as soon as I would go to them or say something, he avoided looking at me. To be honest, it made me sick to my stomach. Instead of just grabbing the girls and heading out, I stayed longer than I should have. I’m not sure why, but I did. I mean, maybe I knew deep down why I stayed, but I wasn’t going to admit that, not even to myself. I was also very not ready to face Keely if she was there. I mean, I didn’t know if she would be there or not, but once I did a quick sweep of the room, I was really happy she wasn’t there. Of course, I couldn’t just come out and ask him where she was. I also didn’t want to, so there was that.
“I am,” I admit. “I figured it was time. Of course, my first priority is my girls.” That fact is nonnegotiable in my book.
“Obviously not even a question.” She wades in, telling me, “My business has always had a family first motto.” I can hear her moving around on her end. “With that said, I would like to know if you are interested in meeting with me to discuss a couple of things. I know you have a background in fashion, and you used to be a personal shopper.” She mentions the last job I had before I got pregnant with Rain, and Benji and I decided I would be a stay-at-home mom.
“Yes,” I reply, nervous now, “whenever you can.”
“I’m good to fly down there tomorrow if you can meet. We are in New York now.”
“That would work, but I feel bad you have to come all this way. Would a Zoom work also?”
“Whatever you want to do. I’m open to coming down there and meeting, or we can do it via Zoom…” She trails off. “I’m going to be very honest with you.” I hold my breath. “I want you to come and work for me. I love your style, I always have. I’ve told you this throughout the years. But I don’t want you to think I’m giving you the job because of whatever.” She doesn’t mention Benji, and I’m happy she doesn’t say his name. “I found out you were going to be throwing your hat in the workforce, and I’d like you to hang your hat at Zara’s Closet.” She mentions the online company she started so many years ago. She’s now sought after by the biggest stars to style them.
“Wow,” I say because it’s still… wow. All I can do is blink as I think about her speech.
“We have a client roster with a three-year waiting list, and I know that adding you will help bring that down. You can work from home and set your own hours.”
“I don’t know what to say.” The tear I didn’t know was forming falls over my lid. “This is?—”
“It’s too much,” she groans. “I promised Zoe I would go in lightly, but you know us. It’s balls to the wall each time.” I can’t help but laugh as I wipe away the tear. “How about you think about it, and we can touch base tomorrow afternoon?”
“I would absolutely love that,” I tell her. We hang up shortly after that, and I’m almost in a daze the rest of the afternoon.
I text Dr. Mendes after the call and right before I start dinner.
Me: Do you have an emergency space for me tomorrow?
Her reply is almost right away.
Dr. Mendes: I’m free from eight to ten. Feel free to come by when you drop off the girls.
“This is good,” I tell myself as I make my way over to pick up the girls. “This is very good.”
As soon as I get the girls, I get home and make dinner while the girls watch a bit of television. They devour the tacos as if they didn’t snack when they got home. Only when Luna pushes her plate away do I get up.
“Okay,” I say, grabbing the dinner plate off the counter, “time for homework.” I look over at Rain, who nods before getting off her stool and going over to grab her schoolbag. I wipe down the counter before she plops her bag on it. “Luna, go get a workbook.” I point at the stack of workbooks I bought a couple of weeks ago. She was so jealous that Rain got to do homework she was fit to be tied. I printed out a couple of sheets for kindergarten kids and she excelled at it. So I ordered a couple of activity books for her to do while Rain does her own homework.
I toss the rag into the sink with the plate before I wash and dry my hands. “Okay, what do we have here?” I ask as I grab her folder with all of her homework in it. A spelling test from two days ago showing she got them all right. “Look at this,” I say with a huge smile on my face, “one hundred and two percent.” I turn the page around to show Rain and Luna.
“I got the bonus word.” She smiles. “You have to sign it.” She gives me instructions as I nod and sign my name.
We go through her words for this week, even though she has all week. She does her twenty minutes of reading before it’s time for a bath. This is our new normal, and I have to admit the girls are doing better than I thought they would. To be fair, in the last months before Benji died, he stopped joining us for dinner, even when he wasn’t on the road. He would tell the girls he had to practice, so they never really asked questions. I was the only one who knew he was lying. He would occasionally show up to tuck them in, but I could have counted on one hand when that happened. I was living in a world of hell, and I made sure no one knew the truth. It was my burden to live with, but I was finally letting it go.
The next day, I arrive at Dr. Mendes’s office just after eight, coffee in hand for me and one for her. “Good morning.” She looks up from her desk with a bright smile on her face, like always.
“It is a good morning.” I hand her her white cup of coffee before I sit down with my own. “I don’t think it’s been this good of a morning for a long, long time.”
“I didn’t know what to expect,” Dr. Mendes says, sitting in the chair facing me. “Anytime anyone asks for emergency sessions, things usually are not good.”
I smile at her as I take a sip of coffee. “This might be one of those rare times, then.” She waits for me to tell her more. “I have a job offer.” Her eyes go big in surprise. “I know, that’s the exact look I had.”
“How did all of this come about?” she asks.
“On Sunday, I woke up and started my list for the week. What I wanted to do for the girls and the other what I wanted to do for me.” She nods while I talk. “I was going to learn to skate for the girls.” I shake my head, knowing I would have tried and I would have fallen on my ass, but I would have tried, and that is all that mattered. “And then I put find a job for me.”
“Okay,” she murmurs, not sure she is following.
“And well, I was talking to someone about it, and their sister owns Zara’s Closet.” Even she knows the name because she gasps. “I know,” I say excitedly. “She called me, and she offered me a job.”
“That’s incredible.” She takes her own sip of coffee.
“We are going to have a Zoom meeting today at one,” I confirm. “I have a list of questions I’m nervous to ask, but I figured that she called me, so she might give in a bit.” I reach for my phone and open the list of questions. “I mean, it’s all little things, but my main thing is being able to be there for the kids. I’m not going to be missing one thing they do. I’m talking every school event. I want to go on field trips, obviously.” I smile. “I’ll probably curse and hate every minute of them, but that is what I want to do. I want to make sure I sit at the dinner table with them every night.” The smile on my face is still there, but the tears in my eyes are forming.
“I want to tuck them in. I want to wake them up. I want to prepare lunches even though by now I’m pulling out my hair because Rain’s not eating any of it because she’s already fed up with it.” The tear rolls down my face. “But I am going to be there for each moment of their lives because when they look back on it, that is the only thing I want them to remember.” I sniff.
“What I don’t want them to remember is their father choosing not to be there. I don’t want them to remember that their mother fell apart when it happened. I don’t want them to remember I spent time before he died trying to find proof he was an addict, but each time telling myself that maybe it was in my head. I don’t want them to remember I was so tired of being so happy all the time that it hurt to smile. I want them to know that every single time I smiled, it was because I was happy. So if she can be okay with all of this, then I will take her job.” Fuck, after saying all that, my chest gets tight, and I have to cough because of the pressure. All of that came out and I didn’t do it as a sobbing fucking mess, so to me, that’s progress. I did it with a smile on my face, even if tears were rolling down my face. I also did it with a little less hatred than I thought I would be doing it with. I’ve noticed the hatred has started to fade away a little each day. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I hated Benji with every single cell in my body, but I was able to compartmentalize it so my girls never felt my hatred toward him.
“I think anyone who gets to hire you would be really lucky to have you.” I inhale deeply at her words.
“I think so also,” I agree with her. “I think so also,” I repeat. The smile on my face is huge as I take another sip of coffee.
I leave with a clearer mind and almost skip toward my SUV, and when I get off the phone with Zara six hours later, I now have a job.
It is strange, but when I sit down that night after the girls are tucked in, the only person I really want to talk to is the only person I was not talking to since Saturday. Before I can talk myself out of it, I send him a text. I don’t know if I should or not, but I also know I’ll be seeing him on Saturday with the girls, so this will be less awkward.
Me: Sandra Bullock was also great in Miss Congeniality.
I hit send before I can erase it, and at that text, I hang my head. “Smooth,” I scold to myself, “very smooth.”