Chapter 25
LEONARDO
I rubbed sweaty palms down my jeans before I tentatively raised a fist to knock on the front door.
After two days without my girls, of course I was getting jittery. I could only hold off exhaustion for so long, which meant I was running on pure caffeine.
When Gabriella had left me kneeling on our living room floor, I was immediately adrift, unsure on what to do or how to proceed. To clear my head, I had a long, pitiful shower, my useless tears adding to the torrent of water.
When I flopped onto my bed—that smelt of my wife—I immediately checked my phone.
Nothing. Nada. Zilch.
My thumb hovered over her contact.
For the first time in our marriage, I was unsure. I didn’t want to bulldoze her, but I didn’t want Gabriella to believe I wasn’t thinking about her either. She was all I could fucking think about.
I desperately wanted to press her number, send a million voicemails and messages—begging, pleading, apologising.
Would she find my reaching out disrespectful? Take any form of contact as a slight for not giving her the space she specifically requested? Or would she take silence as a sign of me giving up? That I wasn’t invested enough to fight for us, for our marriage?
In the end, after thirty minutes of contemplation, I sent a text, choosing a safe topic that was equally important.
Tell the girls I love them.
And miss them.
Give them a big kiss for me.
Then, I spiralled.
That doesn’t mean I don’t miss you, too.
Because I do.
So fucking much.
Shit! Retract, retract.
…Um I didn’t mean to blow up your phone.
I just didn’t want you to think that I only meant that for the girls. Because I definitely include you as one of my girls. My main girl.
I groaned, letting my phone drop onto the bed as my fingers wound tightly in my hair. Fucking hopeless. My game is fucking hopeless. Although it always has been when it comes to her.
Gabriella didn’t reply, not that I blamed her. That didn’t stop me from having my phone fully charged and on hand at all times.
When my wife finally called on that second day, I picked up immediately.
“Ella,” I said, impatient to hear her voice. She gasped, which had me steamrolling ahead. “Is everything alright, darling?”
I could hear my pulse thumping in my ears, which is how I knew it took five painstaking heartbeats for her to reply.
“Ah, yeah. You just caught me by surprise… Can you come to Daisy’s for lunch? I think we need to talk—”
“Of course I’ll be there. I’m willing to talk—”
“About the girls, Leo. Talk about the girls.”
“And us?”
Ten heartbeats later.
“I’ll see you at twelve.”
She hung up.
I couldn’t hear my heartbeats anymore. I couldn’t hear anything at all.
I was thrust back into the present by the ornate door opening before me, where a red-headed pixie looked like she was about to cast a curse on me—which wouldn’t have been far from the truth.
“Daisy,” I said in greeting.
She grunted, not budging from her position blocking the entry. My wife’s friend was half my size, but I’d be a fool to ignore her menace as threatening as a giant.
“Can I come in?”
“Depends. You going to make her cry again?”
My lips pulled down in concern. That was the last thing I wanted. “That’s never my intention.”
Daisy speared me a scathing once over then shifted to the side. As I slid past, she said, “I’m rooting for you, Leo. But if you hurt her again, I’m going to destroy you.”
“If I ever hurt her again, I deserve your justice, Dais. In fact, I’ll welcome it.”
After a thorough cuddle session with Angelina and Celeste, Daisy took them to the park, which gave Gabriella and me a chance to speak freely.
We sat on the outside patio, my wife staring out into the overgrown garden while I stared at her. She was beautiful, my Gabriella.
I cleared my throat and rolled my hands into fists on my thighs to prevent from reaching for her.
“These last few days without you have been brutal, but it’s made me reflect on how shitty my behaviour has been. I was completely selfish, when I should have been thinking about my family. And you’re right, I should have trusted you with Austin. I will never let you down again.”
Gabriella gave an exasperated sigh. “How do I know this won’t happen again? What makes you think you won’t break down the next time something big happens?”
“Because I’m willing to put in the work!
I’ve been researching strategies on how I can improve myself.
How I process things, how I can contribute to a healthy relationship, how I learn from my mistakes so I don’t repeat them.
I never meant to hurt you, and I never want to put you through that again. ”
“What does that look like, Leo? How do you plan on improving yourself?”
I licked my dry lips, ready to confess. “I’ve been looking into therapists to understand why I reacted the way I did.” Gabriella jolted, eyes making contact with mine for the first time that day. She was surprised, which gave me the opportunity to cautiously pitch my suggestion.
“They also offer couples and family counselling. I think that would be really helpful, for the kids, for us and for me.”
Her gaze drifted back out to the trees, expression contemplative. “I’m happy for you and am proud that you’ve reached this point. I think it’s important that you explore these things individually. I won’t be joining you in this, Leo.”
My lungs deflated. Gabriella continued, taking advantage of my silence.
“The reason I invited you over is because I want the girls to get to know their brother, Austin, and vice versa. All of them deserve to build a connection with their siblings, despite our current situation. We are the last on the priority list. They come first.”
I nodded, grateful for her graciousness in such a complicated situation. Of course, she was right; the kids should always come first. But I didn’t want to hit pause on us either.
“What about you and me?” I asked.
“Your timing is off. I don’t have the energy to invest in you when I’m barely staying afloat myself. We have to concentrate on the kids and what’s most important for them. This will be a big transition, and I want to be fully present to support them.”
That’s when I really took her in. My wife looked exhausted, wrung out and over my shit. Granted. However, that did nothing for the panic that swiftly took me over.
On instinct, I leant forward in my seat, crowding her. Not quite touching, yet close enough to feel her warmth.
“What do you want me to do?” I desperately asked, borderline begging. “Please. I’ll do anything, darling. Just ask.”
“I need you out of the house by tomorrow—”
Huh? That rising panic was immediately swallowed into a black void, alongside my voice. I was shellshocked.
“The girls need to get back into a routine, be in their own rooms, own beds, in their safe space…. And I deserve that too.”
I gulped before I managed a strained whisper. “Of course you do, Ella. I always want you to feel safe.”
“You haven’t made me feel safe in this situation.”
“I’m sorry,” I said, emotion bleeding from me. “I’m going to earn back your trust, darling. I want nothing more than to be your safe place again.”
Gabriella didn’t reply, but I managed to clock a single tear escaping down her cheek before she wiped it away.
“What have you told the girls?” I asked.
“They believe you’ve been working late. Which is not any different to the excuse you’ve been giving the last few weeks. They don’t sense anything untoward, and I’d never turn them against you. You’re welcome to see them anytime.”
My fingers twitched towards her again, so I promptly leant back. I doubted she’d welcome any form of my touch.
“Do you agree to moving out?”
I stared at her side profile, my heart screaming to say no, despite knowing I couldn’t refuse.
My head bowed in defeat. “Of course. I want the best for my family.”
“Your family?”
“Yes. You’ll always be my family.”
She didn’t disagree. Instead, she inhaled a deep, relieved breath that gave me a modicum of hope—a tiny fragment that she’d have to rip from my cold, dead hands.
It was time to win back my family.