Chapter 10
Huxley
Back at home, I get straight into the shower, taking the opportunity to relieve the ache in my balls.
What was that? Oliver devoured me like I was a buffet dinner after a footy match. And what a kisser! It took every ounce of self-control not to drop to my knees right there in Oliver’s entrance hall. I don’t think I’ve ever been this attracted to another man. Like, Bradley who?
After I towel dry, I pull on a T-shirt and shorts, but I’m already half hard again. The thought of Oliver fucking me continues to run on an X-rated loop in my head. Riding him, missionary, doggy, reverse cowboy, spooning, and, oh God, lotus. Yeah, lotus with Oliver would be…
I drop my shorts and, thirty seconds later, I’m coming again with his name on my lips. This is truly embarrassing.
After another clean up, I flop down on my bed, heart still racing. Underneath the lust, I’m plain old scared. Scared I’ll end up nothing more than a curiosity and a bit of fun for Oliver. Scared I’ll fall for him way too fast and be left heartbroken.
I would never be enough for someone as perfect as Oliver Turner, who can have anyone he wants.
There’s also the stress that comes with dating someone who isn’t out.
(That’s if he even wants to date me!) And if Oliver decides he’s bi, and we end up together, then Oliver will have to come out at work—or I’ll be stuck in a secret relationship.
That’s not something I’m willing to do in my twenties.
Sure, I understand Oliver would need time to adjust, and I’d be okay with giving him that. But how long would I be willing to wait? Three months? Six months? Longer?
Zac really fucked me up in high school. Being forced to stay someone’s dirty secret left its mark, and it took years to shed the heavy weight of shame.
Zac ignored me when we passed each other in the school corridors. We only hooked up when it suited him. The most gut-wrenching part had been watching Zac parade around the school corridors with a girlfriend on his arm.
It took years to get over him and rebuild my confidence. I swore I'd never do that to myself again.
We were together for almost two years, and sometimes, the memory of our breakup still haunts me…
“Huxley, I’m not gonna meet up with you anymore. You know I’m not gay, right?”
My stomach drops at Zac’s words. His deep brown eyes are cold, focused somewhere distant over my shoulder.
“What the fuck are you saying? What do you mean you’re not gay?
You’re at least bi.” I move, trying to force him to look at me.
I’m at least owed that much. “Is this some kind of joke? Because it’s not fucking funny. ”
My eyes sting, and I blink rapidly.
“Jesus Huxley, get a fucking grip. It was just sex. It didn’t mean anything. I was a horny kid who wanted to get my dick sucked and fuck something. And you enjoyed it, so we both got something out of it.”
So now I’m something, not someone. Just holes to be used, not even human.
Nausea climbs into my throat, and I swallow hard, praying I don’t throw up and humiliate myself. I should never have stayed with Zac. I kept hoping he would come out and own his identity, but now it seems like I was nothing more than an experiment. A curiosity.
I fucking hate myself. “Fine then,” I say, my voice breaking as I turn away.
“Don’t be such a fucking girl about it, Huxley.”
Heading in the direction of the school gate, I pull out my AirPods and press them into my ears.
The wind is cold here, behind the unused portables, the grounds eerily quiet without the sounds of students.
I can’t believe I wasted the last two years trying to make him love me like I love him. What did I ever see in him, anyway?
“Huxley, don’t tell anyone. You won’t say anything, will you? Huxley! Don’t you ever fucking say anything.”
I don’t turn back, just keep walking as I tap on play. 'Truth Hurts’ drowns out Zac’s voice, but it does fuck all to stop the pain.
Grabbing my phone from the bedside table, I ignore the text from Bradley and open Insta.
I search for Zac, then open his profile and scan his latest posts.
It’s stupid, and I don’t do it often, but I can’t seem to stop.
It’s not that I have any feelings for Zac.
After six years, it’s pity that motivates me now.
There are new photos of Zac with his son—who must be a year old now—and of him with his wife, smiling together. I shake my head, exhaling slowly.
I’ve run into Zac a few times over the years and every time, it’s been at a gay club.
The most recent time, only six months ago.
I’d walked into the bathroom to find Zac standing in an open stall, getting his dick sucked by a barely legal twink.
We’d made eye contact, and the look of panic in his eyes had been somewhat satisfying.
It briefly crossed my mind to tell Zac’s wife about his extracurricular activities, but he wasn’t my problem anymore and I didn’t want to be the one to break her heart.
Maybe there’s a part of me that feels sorry for him and the life of lies he’s chosen to live.
Closing my phone, I head into the kitchen to put something on for dinner.
Tomorrow I’ll make an appointment with my psychologist. I haven’t checked in for a while, and starting a new job and meeting Oliver has been a lot.
I hate that something that should be joyful—like meeting a great man—is tainted by my anxiety.
But that’s how my autism brain works, and I’ve come to accept that.
The stupid text from Bradley is also another thing to deal with.
It’s not uncommon for him to message every now and again, although they’ve increased lately.
We split up for a reason, and there’s no way I’m ever giving him a second chance.
Bradley wanted to party too much, he constantly pressured me into having threesomes or getting a third and he never wanted to get married or settle down.
While I dream of a simple, quiet life in a monogamous marriage with kids.
After dinner, I FaceTime Maddie and tell her I have some big news. She calls for Lara to join us, and a few seconds later her face pops into view.
“Okay, so what’s this big news?” Maddie asks.
“Well…” I draw out, smiling at the memory of Oliver’s lips on mine. “I went over to Oliver’s today because he wanted to talk. And we went to the dog park with Louis and Cazaly and…”
“Oh. My. God. Hux! Just spit it out,” Maddie demands.
Lara and I both giggle at her impatience. “Okay, okay. We kissed. Like, really kissed. Made out. Grinded on each other.”
“Yes!” Lara says, clapping with excitement. “So he is bi!”
“Way to go, Hux.” Maddie narrows her eyes. “But why didn’t he just tell you in the beginning?”
“You were right. He said that, up until he met me, he thought he was straight. He’s been confused.
Look, I stopped it before it went too far.
I don’t know if it’s a good idea to pursue this.
The last thing I want is to be is his gay experiment.
Mads, you know what I went through with Zac.
” I cross my arms over my chest, a chill shuddering through me.
“Hux,” Lara says, voice gentle, “I know Zac treated you disgracefully, but please don’t let that experience close you off from this one. From what you’ve said about Oliver, he sounds like a very caring person. Did he give any indication as to what he wants?”
I think back on our conversation, finding it hard to remember since my brain was offline and my dick was in the driver’s seat. “He said I would never be an experiment and kissing me felt right. He really wanted to know if I felt the same way, too.”
Maddie nods, glancing at Lara briefly before looking back at me. “That sounds like a good sign. He didn’t try and take things too far and pressure you into sex?”
I roll my eyes. “No, mum! He’s not like that. It was hard to stop, though, for both of us. But I’m glad I put the brakes on. Oliver needs time to process. Maybe tomorrow he’ll be grossed out by me.”
I wince at the thought.
“That won’t happen,” Lara says firmly. “Any man would be lucky to have you. For what it’s worth, I think you should see where this goes.”
“I agree,” Maddie says, nodding. “One day at a time. You set the pace. If he’s genuinely interested in more than just a quick curiosity fuck, then he’ll be patient.”
“True. But I don’t know.” I drop my face into my hand. “I couldn't cope with another failed relationship. And I definitely don’t want to be in a closeted one.”
We talk for a few more minutes, both Lara and Maddie gently encouraging me to give it a try. I thank them for being so supportive and end the call.
They’re right of course: Oliver is not Zac, and I shouldn’t bring my past into this possible new relationship. Oliver is nothing like Zac. Or Bradley, for that matter. Oliver is sweet and kind and warm and caring. And stupidly hot.
My body flushes anew as I think about what we did today.
His body looked like a marble Greek statue, with sculptured pecs and a washboard stomach.
He has just the right amount of hair on his chest…
and that trail leading down. And the outline of his dick showing through those grey trackies—it looked fucking huge.
So big that I was surprised the head didn’t peek out of the waistband when he got hard.
Okay, I need to stop, or I’ll be jerking off for a third time today.
Louis trots over and sits at my feet, probably hoping for a treat.
“Louis,” I say, patting him. “What do you think I should do?”
He cocks his head to one side and makes a funny little whimpering sound. I swear he’s trying to speak English.
“You wanna talk about your own romance, huh? Selfish.”
“Mrr-woof.”
“Okay, fair. I agree that Cazaly was handsome. You certainly liked him, swinging your tail in his face. Yeah, I saw.”
Louis shakes his head, making a snuffling noise, then lifts his front paw. “Ruh-roh.”
“But Oliver is handsome, too,” I say, giving his little paw a shake. “And maybe I do wanna see where things go. But take it slow. Although I’m not sure how easy that’s gonna be after today.”
“Ruff, ruff.”
“Gurl, you can be so judgemental.”
Louis jumps into my lap and licks my face. “I’m joking, I promise. I love you. Now I’m heading off to bed early. Are you coming?”