Chapter 9
Nine
Hudson
Dinner was fun, but otherwise uneventful. Dad grilled steaks and corn on the cob, while my mom made a big salad and buttery croissants that everyone tore into like they hadn’t eaten in days.
Now the adults are out by the fire pit, drinks in hand, while Ella and I are relaxing in the entertainment room watching the latest Marvel movie.
Well, I’m trying to watch. Ella is talking nonstop about the party and spring break coming.
Hadley skipped out after dinner, her phone glued to her hand. I saw Cull’s name on the screen, so I can assume she will be up in her room all night smoothing things over with him.
Unfortunately.
The clock on the wall catches my eye, and I realize it’s time for my meds. I usually wait about thirty minutes after eating to help cut down the side effects.
“Hey, I’ll be right back. I need to run to my room and grab something.”
Ella stops her one-sided conversation, her mouth open mid-sentence. I love the girl, but the chatter is starting to give me a headache.
“Oh, okay!” She beams, not a care in the world.
I nod and get up from the couch. I make a quick pit stop in the downstairs bathroom to take a leak, then head up to my room, only to find Ella sitting on my bed.
How did she get up here so fast?
“Did you follow me?”
She smirks. “Not really. I just wanted some privacy.”
“Uh, privacy for what?”
She pulls out a clear sandwich baggie stuffed with mismatched pills and gives it a little shake. “Didn’t want the parents ruining my fun,” she tells me, smiling. “So I came up after you left the entertainment room.”
I just stand there, stunned. I look down the hallway, then quickly shut my bedroom door and walk over to her.
“Where in the hell did you get all of that?”
She holds the baggie up and stares at it for a second, then shrugs. “Here and there.”
I’m amazed by the sheer volume and variety of pills she’s carrying. There are blue squares and white ovals, tablets, and big capsules.
“So, I saw your two bottles sitting over there.” She tilts her head toward my dresser.
Instinct pushes me to step in front of them, blocking her view. Not that it does much good since she’s already seen them.
She scoffs when she realizes what I’m doing. “Are you hiding it because you don’t want me to know what you take, or because you think I’m going to steal it?”
My cheeks burn. “Um, not many people know I need meds. I like to keep it that way.” And you have enough random pills in that baggie to start a pharmacy, and I doubt you got them legally.
She seems to buy my explanation, though, thankfully.
“You can tell me, Hud. I won’t spill your secret.” She gives me a small smile and pats the bed beside her.
My curiosity is killing me, so I decide to try fishing for a little info of my own. “How about a secret for a secret? I’ll tell you why I need meds, and you tell me why you’re carrying your own personal apothecary.”
Ella studies me for a second, then gives a coy smile and nods.
“Deal. I’ll start.” She pulls her legs underneath her, a gleam in her eyes.
“Pills can be fun. Sometimes I just need an escape. And if I mix the right combo? Euphoria. Plus, what do you think keeps me so perky all the time?” She looks away with a dreamy stare.
“Ella, that’s fucking dangerous. You could mix the wrong thing and it’d be lights out.”
She flaps her hand at me dismissively. “Don’t be so neurotic. I’m obviously still alive and kicking. Have I made a bad combo before? Sure. Got sick? Yeah. But half the thrill is in the gamble.”
I stare at her, gaping. The audacity of treating her life like some kind of game…
“Now it’s your turn. What secrets are you hiding, Hudson?”
I shake myself on an exhale and grab my pill bottles, looking at them for a moment before handing them over.
“Oh, I’ve taken these before, but this is a stronger dose than what I had. For anxiety, right?” I nod as she studies the label. “What’s this one for? I’ve never heard of it.”
“It’s… for depression and panic disorder.”
Ella scrutinizes my face, then looks back at my bottles. “You’re always so happy. And the smartest person in our class. I’ve never seen you struggle a day in your life.”
Struggle is my middle name.
“I have high-functioning depression.”
“Like a functioning alcoholic?”
I snort a laugh. “I mean… yeah, I guess.”
“Huh. The more you know,” she shrugs. “Well, if you ever want to supplement, I’ve got uppers, downers, those that’ll give you a trip, help you sleep… Oh! This one made me taste colors once…” She starts digging through her little baggy, plucking out pills and comparing them like candy.
“Thanks, but I think I’ll stick with what my doctor prescribed.”
“Suit yourself.” She pops two pills—one tiny orange, the other a pale green—and swallows them dry.
“What did you just take?” I ask, concern threading through my voice. Please God, don’t let her keel over in my bedroom.
“Relax. It’s my go-to.”
“What do they do for you?” I sit next to her on the bed, snagging my medicine bottles from where she dropped them on the comforter.
“They quiet my mind,” she utters, her eyes focused on something I can’t see.
If I can relate to anything, it’s wanting to shut my brain up. Some days it screams so loud, I feel like I’ll crumble under the weight. I don’t like how Ella’s going about getting relief, but I get it. We all need that peace sometimes.
“Just… be careful. I’d hate to see you get hurt.”
She smiles appreciatively, stashing her bag of pills back into her purse.
We hang out in my room for a little while longer, me keeping an eye on her, watching for any changes in her behavior. Other than her pupils being blown and her eyes looking a little glassy, you’d never know she’d taken anything.
“Ella, sweetheart, it’s time to go,” Mrs. Amy calls up the stairs.
We head down to find everyone except Hadley hugging and shaking hands to say goodbye.
“There you kids are,” Dad says, pulling Mom into his side. “Y’all have a good night?”
Everyone’s staring like they’re expecting us to confess something. Well, there are secrets, but not ones I’ll share.
“We had a great time! Thank you, Mr. and Mrs. Daniels.” Ella is bubbly, business as usual, as she walks over and hugs my parents, and I do the same with hers.
“Hudson, you’re so handsome. I know all the girls are lining up for you.” Mrs. Amy clings to my biceps, smiling like she’s waiting for me to deliver some charming answer.
“I guess. I would just rather concentrate on school.” The lie slips out easily.
Mr. Isaac, Ella’s Dad, chimes in. “That scholarship of yours is nailed up tight. I think you should let loose a little. Senior year’s almost over, after all.”
“He’s right, love,” Mom jumps in. “You’ve worked so hard, and your dad and I are so proud of you, but you should be going out with girls and having fun.”
How the hell did I end up being the center of this conversation? I’m uncomfortable, and I don’t know how else to explain my disinterest in the opposite sex, not without coming out. And now is definitely not the time for that.
There is only one person I want opening that door, and it sure as hell is not a girl.
“I have fun,” I declare lamely, itching with everyone staring at me.
“Why don’t you and Ella go out sometime? You two have been friends your entire lives. It would be easy, and I know you two would have fun together.” Mrs. Amy nudges Ella closer to me.
Ella beams at me, her brown eyes twinkling.
What the fuck is going on right now?
My mouth goes dry.
Fuck. Say no, Hudson. Say. No.
“Um, s-sure,” I stutter out.
Idiot. Absolute, fucking idiot. What happened to saying no? My innate need not to rock the boat is really screwing me over right now.
“Wonderful! You two kids should go sometime this week,” Mom suggests, her smile wide. I shoot her a glare, but she doesn't see it. She’s too busy celebrating with Mrs. Amy.
Ella walks over and gives me a hug. I return it stiffly, knowing she was set up the same way I was, though she seems a lot happier about it than I am.
“I’m excited, Hudson. Let’s go Thursday! That way we can celebrate the end of midterms.”
She pulls back and looks at me hopefully. I can’t bring myself to tell her I don’t want to go on a date with her at all, so I agree. “Yeah, Thursday works.”
I try to give her a real smile instead of the grimace pulling at my face. She rocks up on her toes and plants a kiss on my cheek before turning and following her parents out the door.
Once the door shuts behind Ella, I round on my mom. “Why would you do that?” I try to keep my voice level, but the panic is hitting a tipping point. It’s tight in my chest, and my throat is closing up.
She blinks at me like she’s confused. “Do what?”
Seriously?
“I was backed into a corner just now,” I shout, my voice breaking harsher than I intend. “Don’t you think if I liked Ella like that, I would’ve asked her out already?”
My mom’s smile falters, just a flicker, but it’s enough to make my stomach twist with shame. I didn’t mean to snap. I just… I can’t keep swallowing everything down all the time.
“Sweetheart, I know you can be shy, so this was just a nudge. I really think you two will have a great time.”
Having a great time is not the issue. Taking a girl on a date implies interest, and I have zero interest in Ella.
“Just give it a chance. You may be surprised,” Dad tosses in unhelpfully.
Unless she magically grows about eight inches and sprouts a penis, then I highly doubt it.
My goal is to never create problems for my parents, so I don’t argue. I just turn and jog up the stairs to my bedroom. Once I’m safe behind my closed door, I let out a frustrated growl.
This is what I get for not being honest with my family.
For years, I’ve thought about telling them I’m gay, but I’ve never tried. It has always felt pointless. I’ve found other guys attractive and could date if I wanted to, but I know they won’t stack up to Cull.
Cullen.
I know it’s a pipe dream, but I’ve always imagined him as my first everything—date, kiss, relationship… sex. And now, one of those firsts is being handed over to someone I have no desire to be with beyond friendship.
Feeling defeated, I head to my dresser and grab my favorite well-worn joggers and an old black t-shirt, slamming the drawers shut in frustration. After changing, I stomp across the hall to the bathroom to do my nightly routine.
I’m too busy angrily shoving things back into their proper places to notice Hadley walk in through the open door.
“What’s with the temper tantrum? You do remember my room is on the other side of that wall, right?”
I look at her through the bathroom mirror. She’s ready for bed in her Barbie pink pajama set, arms crossed over her chest, and leaning on the door frame.
“Mom and Mrs. Amy played matchmaker tonight. Now I’m stuck going on a date with Ella on Thursday.”
“It’s about time. You two are always off laughing in a corner somewhere.” She shrugs. “Besides, you can’t just tap it then never take her on a date. That’s rude.”
I spin around, my eyebrows high on my forehead.
“What do you mean?”
“Don’t act surprised that I know.” She folds her arms tighter. “I smelled her perfume in Cullen’s truck the other night. I flipped out because I thought Culley had someone in there, but after he explained how cozy you and Ella were at the party, it makes more sense.”
I have no idea how to respond. I could do the shitty thing and tell Hadley it wasn’t Ella and me in the truck, but I already decided I’m done interfering in their relationship.
And I’m sure as hell not going to admit it was supposed to be a harmless joke.
That leaves me with one option—lie again.
Just one more lie to keep my ass out of the fire.
“I don’t remember much of that night. I guess Ella and I sat out there talking. The party was too loud, so we went out to the truck. But talking is all we did.”
She pushes off the door frame and walks over to the sink. “If you and Ella hooked up, you don’t have to keep it a secret.” She nudges my ribs with her elbow. “It’s about time you joined the land of normal teenagers.”
She loads up her toothbrush and gets to work on her nightly routine. I grit out a “noted” through my teeth, then turn and walk out of the bathroom, aggravated beyond belief.
I crawl into bed and do my typical nighttime doom scroll. I click on Cullen’s social media page and browse through his pictures, something I do often when my mind feels too full. Usually, seeing his face brings me a sense of peace, but tonight it just makes me… sad.
Being pushed to go out with Ella only underscores what I’ve been avoiding: I either need to come out or commit to staying in the closet. Either way, I don’t get to have Cullen. Any world where I thought that could happen was a delusion.
And I’m a fool for ever wishing for it.