Chapter 10 #2
I choke out a disbelieving laugh. “What the hell? No, I wasn’t flirting. I was just trying to be nice after you were so rude to her.”
Ella’s face changes on a dime. “I’m sorry, Hudson, please don’t be mad at me. Please.” Her chin trembles, and a single tear drops down her cheek.
Seriously, what the hell is going on? I feel like I’m in the Twilight Zone. This shit is weird.
She wipes at her eyes and takes a shaky breath. “I’m sorry. I think I’m just nervous. This is my first date… and it’s with you.” She gives me a soft smile.
Movement behind her grabs my attention. Hadley is giggling while Cullen whispers in her ear and plays with her hair. She pulls him in for a kiss, and he goes easily, like it’s second nature.
So many emotions flare through me that the only way to describe it is magenta.
I heard that once on an old TV show I watched with my mom and Hadley—something about a bunch of old ladies living their best lives in Miami—and it stuck with me.
Anger, sadness, and envy all rolled into one, each one fighting to be the winner.
I tear my eyes away, a fresh lump forming in my throat. I’m in my own personal hell tonight, and it’s my fault I ended up here.
Ella’s watching me again, and I can’t tell if she’s still upset or just trying to figure me out.
“You’re good. Don’t worry about it.” She perks up at my acceptance of her weird behavior and picks up her menu like nothing happened.
In my periphery, I see Cullen helping Hadley up from her chair, and start toward the exit. Cull glances back over his shoulder, his eyes glum, and something else I can’t quite name. There’s a pull to go to him, to try and explain, but I stay seated.
He breaks our connection by turning away, walking through the door with Hadley’s hand in his.
Fuck, that hurts.
Archer and Matt walk in, giving Cullen fist bumps as they pass him. They settle in the booth next to us, both of them looking between Ella and me like they can’t believe we are on a date.
Same, my dudes.
I give them a half-hearted nod of my head just as the waitress returns, albeit reluctantly, and sets our drinks down. Ella flashes her a Cheshire smile and thanks her for the drink.
“Sorry about earlier. First date jitters.” Her tone is full of false sweetness, but I let it go.
“No worries, I totally get it. Are y’all ready to order?”
We give her our orders, and as soon as the waitress walks away, Ella launches into a steady stream of chatter. I keep my eyes on her, but my mind is on Cullen and the mess I feel like I’ve made.
I’m so fucking weak.
If I’d just stayed out of their business, maybe this karma wouldn’t be choking me right now.
I should’ve stayed in my lane. I was fine loving Cullen from afar.
I’d accepted how things were, but then I got greedy—delusional enough to think I could magically make him want me by pulling a couple of dumb jokes.
Getting lost in my thoughts, I let Ella lead the conversation for the rest of the night, my social meter already empty. I chime in when it feels necessary, but I don’t offer anything of substance.
The longer the date drags on, the more I pull into myself, and by the time we finish mini golf, I could give Eeyore a run for his money. Ella doesn’t seem to notice. She’s just happy to be hanging out.
We’re driving home in silence when something occurs to me. If I tell Ella I just want to be friends, it’ll crush her. It’s obvious that tonight meant a lot to her, and no matter how I let her down, it could mess everything up. Still… maybe if I can make her understand…
I pull into her driveway and stare at the steering wheel. I have to tell her.
“Thank you for tonight, Hudson. I know you weren’t as excit—”
“Ella, I’m gay.”
The words come out small and tight, and the reality that I can’t take them back terrifies me.
She’s not the person I imagined coming out to first, but I’ve been backed into so many corners, I don’t see a better way out.
I hate letting people down, but I hope this helps her understand it’s not about her. It never was. It’s about me.
Ella’s brown eyes go wide, jaw slack. After a few seconds, confusion creeps in. “Then why did you agree to go out tonight?”
My breath comes out slow, the tightness in my chest easing. “I panicked, and I didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. My parents don’t know. No one knows. You’re the first person I’ve told.”
Her eyebrows pull together. “Not even Hadley? Or Cullen?”
“No. Not even them.” She’s sitting still, surprised. “I’m not ready for them to know. I’m not ashamed or confused about who I am. I’ve just never felt the need to tell anyone. People can be judgmental assholes, and until I find someone worth coming out for, I’d rather keep it under wraps.”
I don’t tell her I was prepared to stay in the closet forever, since Cullen will never magically switch teams.
“Why did you tell me?”
“I was planning on telling you we should just stay friends,” I admit with a shrug. “Figured if I gave you the reason why, it’d be easier to hear.”
She gives me a small understanding smile, then her eyes widen like she’s just solved a riddle she didn’t know she was working on. “I have the best idea.” She’s bouncing in the seat, excitement radiating off of her. “I can be your beard!”
My brows knit. “My what?”
She scoffs and rolls her eyes. “Your beard, silly. You know, your fake girlfriend? Your cover up so no one figures you out.”
She’s certainly eager.
“I know what a beard is. But why would you want to be mine? If you haven’t noticed, I’ve done fine so far by myself. I don’t need a cover.”
She turns to face me fully. “Look at it this way. You’re not ready for anyone to know, and if we just stay friends, our moms might keep pushing us together anyway. But if it looks like we’ve hit it off…”
“It’ll keep my family off my back.” I finish for her.
“Yes!” Her hands are clasped in a prayer position under her chin, eyes pleading. “Please. Let me help you.”
She makes a great point. If I tell my mom it didn’t work out with Ella, she may still try to play matchmaker with some other girl.
It’s tempting…
I just have one question.
“What do you get out of this?”
She drops her hands and reaches for my arm resting on the center console. “You’re my best friend. Why wouldn’t I want to help you?” Her brown eyes are sparkling but intense as she waits for me to respond.
This would solve a problem that I really don’t want to have to explain to my mom, and maybe give me something else to focus on instead of how badly my heart hurts.
I let out a sigh and nod. “Okay. We can do this.”
“Yay!” She squeals and claps her hands.
“But,” I interrupt, giving her a serious look. “I have some ground rules.”
“Of course. Lay them on me.” She’s practically vibrating with excitement.
“I’m okay with holding hands or hugging in front of everyone, but not in excess. And nothing further. No kissing, except on the cheek, and no getting touchy-feely like Hadley and Cull.” I almost choke on his name.
My heart squeezes, but I ignore it.
Ella’s jaw tenses before she smiles and salutes me. “I can do that.”
I chuckle, her enthusiasm infectious.
“So… I guess I’ll tell my mom everything went great tonight?” Ella asks.
“Yeah, sure. I’ll have to tell my mom the same.”
“This will be great. Just wait and see, Hudson.” She leans over the console and wraps her small arms tightly around my neck. I return the hug, more out of reflex than anything.
She climbs out of the Bronco and heads up to her door. Once she’s inside, I shift into drive and start toward home.
Anxiety settles in my bones, and I try to breathe through it.
A little voice in the back of my mind keeps whispering that this is a bad idea, but I shove it into a box and lock it tight.
At least it’ll get my mom off my back, but I can already feel the fallout coming with Cullen.
He’s still pissed I wasn’t honest about the date, and now I’ve got more lies to juggle.
But at this point, what’s one more?