Chapter 12
Twelve
Hudson
I’m lying in bed, staring at Cullen’s message he sent last night. It came right as Ella and I got to mini golf, and even though I saw the notification, I didn’t open it. I’m glad I didn’t. No one ever wants to hear the words “we need to talk.” But that’s what he wrote.
I replied moments ago, agreeing to meet him at our spot on the river at noon.
My mind keeps spinning with different scenarios, and none work in my favor, which only adds to my anxiety.
Not the way I want to start my day.
On top of that, I’m already having buyer’s remorse about agreeing to let Ella be my beard. God, I hate that term. It feels unfair to her, even if it was her idea. I gave in to get my mom off my back, and at the time, it seemed like the perfect solution.
Now, I’m not so sure.
Unable to sit still any longer, I drag myself out of bed and rush through a shower. It’s only eleven, but I can’t handle waiting around. I get dressed and slip out of the house without so much as a good morning to anyone.
I feel like I’m about to crawl out of my skin. I thought about taking one of my pills, but I want to be clearheaded for whatever Cullen wants to talk about.
With nowhere else to go, I decide to head to the river early.
I take the turn that leads away from town and drive the eight miles to the dirt road that brings me to my little slice of paradise.
I pull up to the small bluff that overlooks the water and sit for a moment, admiring the view.
This place has always brought me peace, but today, I’m too overwhelmed to appreciate it.
I just want to get this over with. I grab my phone to let Cullen know I’m here, in case he wants to meet early.
The first word is barely typed out when I hear the crunch of tires behind me.
My stomach drops. I wasn’t expecting him this soon.
Cullen pulls up next to my Bronco and looks over through his window. His face is neutral, but the hard set of his jaw gives him away.
He’s still pissed.
Even angry, he’s still the most gorgeous guy I’ve ever seen. I know now’s not the best time for those thoughts, but damn, he looks good in his backwards hat and wayfarer sunglasses. The clenched jaw just adds to the whole brooding sex appeal.
I hop out of the Bronco before my body recognizes the direction of my thoughts and walk over to where Cullen is already waiting.
“Guess we had the same idea,” I quip, trying to lighten the mood.
I get a short, gruff “guess so” in return before he turns and walks down the embankment. I trail after him with my heart in my throat, trying to brace myself for the wreck I know is coming.
Cullen reaches the worn-down clearing and spreads out a small blanket I hadn’t noticed he was carrying.
He drops down heavily, draws his knees up, and rests his arms on top.
With his eyes fixed on the water, he waits for me to join him.
I sit next to him and mirror his posture, drawing a breath before diving in.
“Cull, man, I’m sorry for being a prick this week.”
He reaches over and grabs some grass and starts shredding it with his long fingers. He must need to keep his hands occupied to keep from strangling me.
When he speaks, his voice is rough and quiet.
“I can deal with the attitude, Hud. What hurts is you lying to me. We tell each other everything,” he huffs.
“I even told you when I popped your sister's cherry for fucks sake, but you couldn’t be bothered to tell me you had a date. Your first date at that.”
I grimace at the thought of him and my sister having sex. Not something I want a visual of.
He appraises my face like he can pull every secret from it, guilt sinking like a lead weight in my stomach. There’s already so much I haven’t told him, and now there’s one more thing I’ll have to lie about.
“Cull, I was pissed this week because I was practically forced into that date with Ella. Our moms ambushed me after dinner on Sunday, and I felt like I couldn’t say no.”
His whole body relaxes. “So, you didn’t want to go out with Ella?”
“No. I was planning to tell her at the end of the night that we should just be friends.” I run my fingers through my hair. “I didn’t tell you because I didn’t think you’d take it well. It was one date. I thought it wouldn’t matter.”
His brows furrow. “What do you mean you were going to tell her you just wanted to be friends?”
“I, uh…”
Shit. I knew I had to tell him, but I didn’t come in with a game plan. My fingers start to tingle, that telltale sign my anxiety’s about to hit full force.
“What happened on your date, Hudson?” he grits out.
Fuck. This isn’t going to end well. I should’ve just been honest from the jump. Then I wouldn’t be stuck in yet another shitty position of my own making.
My heart’s racing now, each beat slamming against my ribs like it’s trying to punch its way out.
“We had more fun than I thought we would. I asked—” I clear the lump from my throat. “I asked her to be my girlfriend.”
“What the actual fuck, Hudson?” he explodes. “How do you go from not even wanting the date to being in a relationship? And with Ella fucking Hackford of all people. What the hell is wrong with you?”
He’s breathing hard now, his whole body wound tight. I’m trying to keep my panic attack at bay, but it’s mounting so fast I lash out.
“Why are you being such a dick? You act like she’s wanted for war crimes or something!”
“You’re so freaking gullible. There is something off with that chick. No one is that perky all the damn time. It’s a red flag. No pussy is that good that you can’t see what’s right in front of you,” he fumes.
“Ironic since you can’t see past my sister’s vagina long enough to realize she physically abused you two weeks ago!” I scoff. “Or that you follow her and her bitch squad around like a lost puppy because you know you’ll get laid if you’re a good boy? Who the fuck are you to tell me I’m blind?”
Oh shit. I didn’t mean to word vomit everywhere.
The panic is mounting by the second, and I know I need to get out of here before Cullen sees the hot mess that I really am. My stomach churns, my breathing short and choppy. The thick humidity is choking my tight airway. I can’t get a full breath, no matter how hard I try.
“My relationship with your sister isn’t up for discussion right now. What matters is how fucked up you were at that party and how no one else was. I asked around. I still think Ella slipped you something.”
Where is all this Ella hate coming from?
Tell him what the creepy text said. That will prove Ella is innocent in all of this.
But my anxiety likes to make my life difficult. So instead of giving Cull the logical explanation, I make Ella’s case worse.
“Listen, just because Ella takes pills occasionally, doesn’t mean—”
“I knew it! I knew something was off with her.” He’s outright screaming at me now, his shoulders tense and arm muscles bunched. “She’s going to suck you into a black hole, Hud, and then what? You’re going to be a druggie, too?”
Although I deserve every ounce of his anger, my nervous system is sending my tongue into overdrive. “Fuck you, Cullen. At least Ella doesn’t make me feel like shit for my decisions.”
His eyes widen, a spark of hurt flashing in them.
If I wasn’t such a fuck up, this wouldn’t be happening right now. All I do is hurt everyone around me.
Worthless.
Stupid.
Waste of space.
Liar.
“I-I can’t do this.” I want to claw my skin off to get this buzzing sensation to stop.
“Pathetic,” he scoffs quietly.
My body moves of its own accord, bolting up the small hill, words impossible.
“You’re running away because you know I’m right! Don’t be such a coward,” he yells at my retreating back.
He’s right. I am pathetic. A coward.
I can’t even be honest with the people in my life about being gay or struggling with panic attacks and mental health. I keep everything buried because I’m nothing but a strain on everyone. The less they know, the less they’ll have to worry. The easier I’ll be to love.
I’m just taking up space. Breathing air that should go to someone who matters.
They’re all better off without me.
My breathing is labored, and running isn’t helping.
I fumble with my keys, remote-starting my car as the roar of the engine growls to life.
Tears are welling in my eyes as I jump in, throw the Bronco in reverse, and bump my way down the potholed dirt road.
My vision blurs, and I’m genuinely afraid I might pass out.
I know I shouldn’t be driving like this, but asking Cullen for a ride wasn’t an option.
Having him witness me break definitely wasn’t an option, either.
I remember the spare pills in my glovebox and desperately scramble for the smooth bottle, but come up empty.
I know it’s in here. I fumble through the center console and the side pocket in my door as best I can without veering off the road, my speed well over the town limit.
I still can’t find my medicine, and that only ratchets up my panic.
Every breath chokes in my throat. My chest feels crushed, my ribs splintering under invisible pressure. My lungs burn from the ragged, useless gasps I keep trying to suck in.
I don’t even know if I’m headed in the right direction. I’m just trusting muscle memory to get me home.
A shrill ring pierces through the car, making me jump, adding to the hysteria coursing through me.
My mom’s name flashes on the console screen, and the sight of it opens the floodgates, my tears blurring my vision.
I try to handle these things on my own, but right now I need my mom’s reassurance more than anything.
The phone hits its third ring, so I quickly tap accept on the screen and do my best to level out my voice when I answer.
“Hey, Mom,” I rasp.
“Hi, love. Where are you? I didn’t realize you left this morning until Hadley mentioned your car was gone,” she says casually, completely unaware of the storm I’m in.
I don’t deserve her. I just bring her stress and heartache. Same goes for Dad.