Chapter 42
Forty-Two
Hudson
Night has fallen outside my bedroom window, but I’ve been sitting in the dark since Cull dropped me off. I didn’t want to create distance between us, but I just needed to know that he could move on, be happy.
Maybe it’s better this way. If he pulls away now, it’ll be easier when the inevitable happens. I’ll carry the weight of his anger if it means he gets the future he deserves.
My phone buzzes, a text from Ella lighting up the darkness.
ELLA: Still meeting at the park?
I almost forgot I was supposed to meet her tonight. She had texted me at some point while I was running away from Cull like a chicken shit. She apologized profusely for what happened earlier and asked to meet and talk about everything.
I agreed.
I also asked her to bring party favors.
ME: Yeah. Heading out now.
Grabbing my shoes, I slide them on, and then as quietly as possible, I make my way out of the house.
I don’t have it in me to explain to my parents where I’m going. My dad said Ella was welcome at our house anytime, but I don’t know if I can stand to see the sadness on their faces. They lost their best friends today, and I know that is hitting them hard.
My mind plays like a silent film, looping everything that happened earlier today.
Mrs. Amy storming in the house, and her accusations.
Losing my scholarship, and with it, my spot at AB State this fall.
Seeing the stalker. The fight with Cullen.
And worst of all, his refusal to make one simple promise.
That’s what breaks my heart the most. That he wouldn’t promise to find happiness if I’m gone.
Numbness follows me as I hurry past my Bronco, deciding to walk the few minutes to the park.
I don’t bother checking my surroundings, not giving a crap if I’m being watched.
Part of me almost hopes my stalker shows up and puts an end to my sorry existence.
I’m just too tired to care anymore, and at this point, it’d almost be a relief.
My phone rings, Cull’s ringtone loud on the deserted street. I almost let it go to voicemail, still upset about how we left things, but at the last minute decide to answer.
“What do you want, Cullen?” I ask, tired and resigned.
“Baby, I’m sorry about earlier. Your question just took me by surprise. I can’t imagine a world where you’re gone. And I don’t want you to do that either.”
I see the park just up ahead, so I slow and lean against a street light. Cull asked me to talk to him, to be honest. So that’s what he’s going to get.
“You shut me out today. I’ve never once asked for your reassurance, and the one time I really needed it, you disregarded my feelings.”
There is a ragged breath on the other end of the line, and I know he regrets what happened. But it doesn’t matter. Nothing matters anymore.
“I know, and I’m sorry. I just—”
“I’m not okay,” I breathe out, cutting him off. “I told you I wasn’t coping well, but you still shut me out. I’m not… I’m not going to be okay as long as that creep is out there.”
Car headlights illuminate the street, startling me momentarily until I realize it’s Ella. She pulls into the parking lot of the park, so I push off the lamp post and walk to meet her.
“I promise, it’s not always going to be like this.” It’s a plea, begging me to believe him.
That’s a bullshit promise. “The time for promises was this afternoon,” I snap.
“Hud—”
“I have to go. I’m meeting Ella at the park.”
“Oh… o-okay. I love—”
I hit end on the call.
Distance. I need to keep my distance. It’ll help when everything finishes crashing down around me.
I could hear the desperation in his voice.
Like he’s trying so hard to keep me safe and happy, and I’m just making it harder by existing.
I appreciate how protective he is, but he shouldn’t have to worry this much. He deserves easy and uncomplicated.
That will never be me.
I’m watching Ella seal a joint with a final lick when I walk up to her. The second she sees me, she drops everything and launches into a hug.
“I’m so sorry about my mom. She’s insane. I told her to go fuck herself if she thinks I won’t keep seeing you. You and Hadley are the only real friends I have.” She clings to me like I might vanish.
“She’s just being protective,” I say, voice dead. “I don’t blame her.”
When she pulls away, I get a good look at her. Her eyes have that glassy sheen and flushed cheeks. She’s already floating. And I’m jealous.
I want to feel nothing, too.
I slip from her arms and make my way to the bench, snagging the joint. I sit and hold it to my lips without a word.
Ella doesn’t question it. She sits down beside me, rustles around in the bag she brought, and pulls out a pink lighter. She sparks the flame and brings it to the joint between my lips.
The first hit sends a warm fuzz through my skull. I hold it until my lungs scream, then exhale in a coughing fit. The more I cough, the more the high settles in, weaving its way through me like static.
“You’ve gotten better since the last time we did this,” Ella jokes.
“I don’t remember it feeling this good last time,” I let my head fall back on my shoulders. “Guess I was too drunk to appreciate the high.”
Ella chuckles but doesn’t push for conversation. She settles in beside me, letting me take as many hits as I want without asking for a turn.
“I’ve got other stuff too,” she tells me eventually, reaching into her bag. “If you want to give it a try.”
She pulls out the same plastic baggie with an uneven mix of pills in all shapes and colors, and offers it to me like it’s candy. I take it and start sifting through the collection, trying to guess what’s what.
“Which ones quiet your mind?” I ask, genuinely curious.
And desperate.
She takes the bag from my lap and selects a few, placing them in my palm with practiced ease. “It’s trial and error.” She’s so blasé about it all. “These two,” she points to a pair of small, round pills, “they blank me out. No thoughts. No noise. Just… nothing.”
Say no more.
I raise the pills to my mouth, but her hand shoots out, stopping me.
“I said trial and error, Hudson. They work for me. You’re already used to this one.” She nudges a familiar small blue pill near the edge of my hand. “So it might not do much for you, even if you mix it.”
She separates two more pills from the bunch. “These? Strong. Like, full technicolor trip. And these three—” she points to the last grouping, “I once took wanting a nap and didn’t wake up for two days.”
I stare down at the rainbow in my palm, the pills like tiny gateways to different versions of peace. Maybe I should wait until I’m home. Tripping with someone already floating isn’t smart.
Does it even matter?
“Do you mind if I keep these? I can pay you…”
She smiles and folds my hand into a ball, securing the pills in my fist. “They’re yours. I know you’ve had a lot going on lately, so consider this my way of trying to help.”
I give her a small, grateful smile and tuck the pills into my pocket. I bring the joint to my lips one last time, then pass it to Ella.
My phone rings, but this time I just let it play out. I know it’s Cull, but I can’t bring myself to talk to him anymore tonight. I don’t think it will end well.
Not with where my mind is at.
“Aren’t you going to answer that?”
“No.” It’s all the answer she is going to get from me.
“Wanna talk about what’s been going on?”
No. But I launch into my sordid tale anyway. I tell her everything—from what happened after I was arrested at graduation, to seeing the stalker today, and everything in between.
She just listens, understanding in her glassy eyes.
“Well, maybe these pills will help you escape. I always have them, so you know who to call.” She flashes me a sympathetic smile.
I nod and stare out across the semi-lit park towards the street, my mind lost in more dark thoughts. My phone rings again, so I pull it out and see Cull’s name. I silence my ringer then shove my phone back in my pocket.
“So, scary stalker dude…”
I side-eye Ella. She’s absently playing with the pills in her bag, letting them trickle through her fingers like sand.
“Did you get a good look at him today?”
“No,” I sigh. “He was too far away.”
She’s gazing across the green lawn, still toying with the pills in the bag. It doesn’t seem like she heard me, so I nudge her with my elbow.
“What? Oh, sorry. I spaced. That’s too bad you couldn’t see him.”
“...Yeah.” I know Ella is riding the waves of her high, but she’s acting a little strange.
“I’m sure he will get what’s coming to him soon,” she says, voice still distant.
I doubt that. I’m the only one hell is raining down on.
Talk of this psycho is killing my buzz, but before I can change the subject, a car door slams nearby. I turn toward the parking lot just in time to see Cullen storming across the park, brows furrowed and fists clenched.
Shit. I shouldn’t have told him where I was going.
“You’re ignoring my calls to get high with her?” He yells, coming to a stop in front of me.
I lock eyes with him, lift the joint to my lips, and take a slow, deliberate drag, like I’m daring him to stop me.
“Relax,” Ella says, glancing at Cullen. “It’s only a little weed. He needs the escape.”
“What happens when the weed stops numbing him? Are you going to start pushing that bag of pills on him?” He scoffs, his hands coming up to grab behind his neck. “Who am I kidding, you probably already have.”
I shoot Ella a warning look, silently begging her not to mention the pills in my pocket. I don’t know when I’ll need them, but I’m not going to let Cullen guilt-trip me into flushing them.
He doesn’t get it.
Ella stiffens beside me, her detached demeanor shifting into something colder.
“And what have you been doing?” she snaps.
“You want to stand there and lecture me, but at least I’m doing something.
He’s hanging on by a thread, and you really think love and your little inspirational speeches are going to fix him? ”