Chapter 43 #2
He wouldn’t believe me when I said this guy wouldn't stop. I’d hoped distancing myself from Cull would keep him safe, but in the end, it didn't matter.
Nothing I do ever matters.
I pull into Cull’s driveway and park behind his truck. The car is barely stopped and the key out of the ignition before I’m out and sprinting to the door. I jab the doorbell over and over, but just as I’m about to pound with my fist, the door opens.
Mrs. Eliza stands there, her smile cautious. “Hudson, sweetheart. What are you doing here?”
“Where is he?” I ask, trying to hold back from rushing past. She’s like a second mom, and I don’t want to disrespect her.
“He’s upstairs, resting.”
“I need to see him. Please.”
“I don’t think that’s—”
“It’s fine, Mom.” I hear shuffling, then Cullen steps into view behind her.
My heart stops.
I think I’m going to be sick.
He’s holding an arm across his ribs, hunched slightly. His face is wrecked. Deep bruises stretch across his skin, his left eye nearly swollen shut, and fresh stitches carve a line across his jaw.
I can’t breathe.
My eyes drag down his body, cataloging every injury. I’m too stunned to speak. I just stand there, chest caving in with every new mark I find.
“Mom, can we have a moment alone, please?”
Mrs. Eliza nods, stepping aside. But before she goes, she cups my cheek in her gentle hands and looks me in the eyes. “This isn’t your fault.”
Of course, this is my fault. Everything is my fault.
“Let’s go up to my room.”
I follow him up mechanically, my mind checking out of this hell.
He climbs the stairs at a creeping pace, wincing every few steps. The pieces of my heart grind into dust with every flinch he makes.
Once in his room, he settles against a pile of pillows. I catch sight of a couple of prescription bottles and other medical supplies on his nightstand.
I can’t handle it.
“What happened?” I ask, sitting at the foot of the bed, my voice hovering above a whisper. It feels like the words scrape their way up my throat, rough, terrified of the answer.
Cull exhales, locking eyes with me.
“When I got home from the park… he was waiting. The guy. He jumped me.”
He watches me closely, waiting for a reaction, but I give him nothing. The numbness won’t allow me to show the splinters of my heart turning to ash.
When I stay quiet, he continues. “I tried to fight back. He was just too strong. H-he had a bat.” His breath shudders out.
I can’t do this anymore.
He hurt the man I love.
“How badly—” I clear my throat. “How badly are you hurt?”
“The worst of it is a concussion and a cracked rib. Otherwise, it’s just some bruising, aches, and pains. I’m fine, Hud.”
Is he serious right now? He got the shit beat out of him, and he is going to sit there and tell me he’s fine?
“You’re not fine,” I snap, fists clenched.
“Yes, I am. It could have been worse.” He shifts against the headboard and winces again.
“Right! You could be dead!” I jump to my feet and start pacing, guilt clawing up my throat. It quickly morphs into anger. “You lied. You’ve kept this from me.”
He speaks calmly, face soft. “Things had just imploded between us. I didn’t want to add to your stress.”
I laugh, low and dark. “Because no matter what, you think I can’t handle it.”
He’s right. I can’t.
Cull doesn’t deny it. Just stares down at his lap.
He thinks I’m weak. Pathetic. Broken.
“How did you even find out?” He finally asks.
“Hadley told me.”
He scoffs. “Of course she did.”
I’m so tired. Mentally. Physically. My spirit shattered a long time ago. Now the demons are dancing on the shards.
I sit on the end of his bed, done.
Just… done.
“This is my fault. If I had answered your calls instead of getting high, then maybe—”
“Don’t do that. He could’ve gotten us both if we’d been together. I’d take this beating a million times to keep him from getting to you.”
“When will you realize you shouldn’t have to?” I argue.
“BUT I WANT TO!” he roars.
His chest heaves, eyes wild. Sweat beads along his hairline. He's shaking, either from pain or everything he’s been holding back.
“This—” I ground out, arms going wide from my body. “This is what I was trying to avoid. But no matter what I do, I’m always causing pain. And this psycho won’t stop until he destroys everything.” A bitter laugh escapes. “Hadley was right.”
I shake my head, dropping back down onto the edge of the bed
Cullen pushes off his pillows, scooting down the bed, each movement stiff with pain. “I love you, Hudson. Love. If you don’t understand what that means to me, let me spell it out.”
His voice is fierce but trembling, passion burning behind his bruised eyes. “You are my reason for living, and every day this week without you has been hell. Worse than any hit I took. My soul is yours, Hudson, in this life and the next. I would die for you. Gladly.”
He leans closer, lowering his voice like a vow. “Stop hiding from me. Stop acting like pushing me away is the answer. It’s not. I am here. I will always be here.”
“I can’t stop the thoughts, Cull…” I admit. “I don’t know how to make them stop. They’re so dark. My demons…” He pulls me into a hard hug, ignoring his own pain.
That’s what Cull does. Always puts me first, even when I keep pushing him away.
“Don’t hold it in. That’s the worst thing you can do.”
I let him hold me while my mind keeps spiraling. He’s told me again and again to let him help, to be honest, but my brain doesn’t listen. The more he tries, the more it convinces me I’m unworthy. That I’m selfish just for breathing his air.
The dark thoughts are winning.
Still, my body melts into Cullen’s and soaks up his warmth.
“Promise me you’ll talk to me. No matter how dark it gets, always come to me instead of looking for an escape.”
The words are caught in my throat, so I just cling to him.
“Promise me, Hudson,” he rasps, voice hoarse but firm.
My chest tightens. I swallow hard, the word catching on my tongue. “I promise.”
But the moment I vow it, shame swells behind my ribs.
I pull away from Cullen and his warmth.
“I’m going to go. You need to rest.”
“Stay.” His eyes plead with me, but I can’t meet them head-on. I’m scared he’ll see what’s brewing beneath the surface.
I give him a small smile. “I still need some time. This,” I gesture to his bruised body, “is too much. It’s selfish of me, but you’re right. I can’t handle it. The guilt—”
“It’s not. Your. Fault.”
“It’s not that easy for me to believe.”
We fall into silence. The walls feel like they’re closing in, and if I don’t leave soon, I’ll explode like I did at the park. And that’s the last thing I want to do to Cullen.
“Maybe I can come check on you tomorrow?” It’s a lie, but I need him not to worry.
“You can come over anytime. You know that.”
I nod and drop my eyes to the floor, picking at the hem of my shirt. Cullen must sense something’s off.
“What is it, baby?” He lifts my chin, his touch gentle, and forces me to meet his eyes. I stare, memorizing the green in them, burning it into memory.
“Can I kiss you?” I whisper.
He cups my face with both hands and leans in, his lips soft and familiar against mine. I kiss him back, but only for a few seconds before pulling away.
I stand to leave, but just as I reach the threshold of his bedroom door, Cull calls after me. “I’m still yours. This break, or whatever it is, means nothing. I love you.”
“I love you too, Cull,” I answer, my back still to him. Then I bolt out of the house and into my car.
Taking a deep breath, I hold back the tears pressing behind my eyes.
Cullen’s warmth is already fading, smothered by the thick fog creeping back in.
My glovebox pulls my attention, knowing what’s inside.
I lean over and open the compartment, snagging the little bag of my anxiety pills I stored there.
I pour all five into my hand and swallow them dry, then start the car.
I drive without direction, letting the roads pull me wherever.
Cull’s bruised face won’t leave my mind. Nor will his voice, asking me to promise I’d talk to him. That I’d stop holding it in. I never meant to keep that promise. And deep down, I’m sure he knows that.
Seeing his body—bruised, stitched, and hunched in pain—only confirmed the things the voices in my head whisper all day, every day.
This is your fault.
You’re the reason he’s hurt.
You’re the reason everyone keeps hurting.
So it’s no surprise that I end up here again, tires crunching down the familiar dirt road to the river.
I pull over and reach for my phone, only to realize I forgot to bring it in my hurry.
Instead, I spot one of my school notebooks in the passenger seat, a pen wedged inside the spiral, and grab it.
I climb the hill, feet slipping a little in the loose dirt, and make my way to the bridge. To the spot where Cullen first kissed me.
I lower myself to sit, the cool rusted metal pressing into my shoulder as I lean against the support beam. The warm breeze brushes past, catching my hair and stirring the tall grass below.
This place used to help. Used to bring a little clarity. But that’s not what I’m searching for tonight.
Even if there weren’t an obsessed psycho lurking in the shadows, my own mind would still be enough to drown in. The weight of it, constant and suffocating, isn’t something I’d wish on anyone. And I can’t ask Cull to carry it for me. I love him too much to let him be crushed by this.
I stare off across the water, the current moving swiftly.
The sun is dipping over the river, the sky showing off in deep oranges and regal purples.
It’s my favorite time of day, and this river, this place, has always been mine.
A place to think, to breathe, to disappear for a while.
I’ve ridden out panic attacks on these banks and hidden tears no one else could see.
And more than once, I’ve come here to mourn never getting to love Cullen the way I wanted.
But now I have. I’ve loved him with everything I am.
And now it’s time to let go.
I glance across the water to where my Bronco is parked, and the memory hits: Cullen telling me he loved me, and the first time we gave ourselves completely to each other. That memory used to be enough to guide me through the dark.
But I’m too tired, and the dark is just too thick to keep fighting.
I set the notebook down beside me, the ink still drying on the last words I scribbled. I hadn’t planned to leave anything, but maybe it’s better this way.
I just needed to get my thoughts out. To leave something behind. Something that might help them understand why. Maybe it’ll offer peace—maybe even closure.
That’s why I’m here. For my own peace. My own closure.
A yawn slips out, slow and heavy, the pills kicking in. That was the goal. I just wanted quiet. No voices. No second-guessing.
No struggle.
I stand carefully and climb onto the rusted railing, one hand wrapped around a weathered support beam. The breeze picks up, carrying with it the faint scent of evergreen. It hits me low in the chest. Cullen. That smell has always been him.
He’s never far from my mind.
I pray he forgives me. That he knows I’ve loved him deeply, and to the best of my ability. That this is how I keep him safe.
I want my parents to find peace. I hope Hadley can finally forgive me.
I’m taking their burden with me.
They’ll be able to breathe again.
And I won’t hurt anymore.
I turn my face towards the setting sun, the light wind brushing softly across my skin. I close my eyes and imagine I hear Cullen’s voice saying my name, just one more time.
I take one last breath.
Then, I step.