Chapter 16
Liam
The first time Vox kisses me, it’s a total accident. He brushes it off, laughing. But before the picture is taken, he leans back in, telling me he’s trying to make someone at the next table jealous, and he wants to know if he can kiss me again.
I shrug and nod because what better way to prove to Damon that I don’t care if he’s gay than by kissing a dude myself? Plus, Vox is objectively hot.
It feels kind of weird to admit, but he’s also a good kisser, and I really hope D is getting this picture.
But when Vox and I break apart, Damon is nowhere to be found.
Vox signs one of the napkins with the Meltdown logo on it, we clasp hands, and I go in search of Damon.
I check the bar, the tables, the men’s room, even the patio out back, but he’s nowhere to be found.
Except when I walk back inside, I instantly spot him at the bar with a glass of amber liquid in front of him.
Sliding onto the empty barstool next to him, I can’t read his mood, but I’m afraid we’re back to sulking.
“Where’d you go?” I ask, keeping my tone neutral.
“Just needed a second of fresh air,” he says, swirling his drink around his glass.
Not knowing what to say next, I decide to just go with what’s on my mind. It’s about damn time one of us did.
“Look, that kiss was an accident, and then he told me he was trying to make someone jealous and asked if he could do it again. I thought—”
Damon’s eyes flash to mine.
“Why’d he think it would make me jealous?” he snaps, interrupting me.
I feel my forehead crease in confusion. “He didn’t. He was trying to make someone at the other table jealous. But wait…were you jealous?”
“I just…wasn’t expecting it, that’s all,” he says, finally looking at me.
Laughing, I tell him, “Me neither, but it wasn’t half bad, you know?
” A wince coasts across his features before disappearing a second later.
“I agreed to the second one just to show you that your being attracted to guys isn’t weird to me.
I mean, I’d prefer if you didn’t bang my dad, but outside of that, go wild, man. ”
Damon sputters on his drink.
“Too soon, Li. Too soon.”
I chuckle, though he’s probably right. Things with my dad are still fucked, and eventually, I’ll need to apologize to Taylor.
The bartender comes over and asks if I want anything, but my stomach quickly tells me no, making me think I seriously miscounted those shots the other night.
Damon and I sit in silence, watching reruns of the time trials today on whatever sports network is playing, and intermittent cheers come from Vox’s table.
“I was thinking about getting in the hot tub again tonight. You in?” I ask, breaking our silence. The snow moved out earlier today, leaving another clear night in its wake.
The weather this past week has been pretty incredible. A nice blend of snow and bluebird days. A couple days of overcast skies and temps in the twenties and thirties, with one day hitting forty-two degrees.
“Yeah, sounds good,” Damon agrees.
He took his sport coat off after his first glass of Scotch, and it’s now draped over the back of his chair.
His shirtsleeves are rolled up his forearms, and his top two buttons are undone.
He looks like he just got done with a day at the office, not like he spent the day out on the slopes, but that’s so perfectly Damon.
He loves to have everything in order. His clothes, his appearance, his finances, his goals. I’m often amazed that he puts up with having me as a best friend because I’m the most disheveled, disorganized person I know.
But this trip has taught me that I don’t want to be that person forever.
Learning the truth about my dad and Taylor was shocking as fuck, but as I’ve thought about it more over the last few days, I’ve come to realize I don’t want to run anymore.
Not from my dad, not from my mom’s death, not even from Taylor.
In fact, I want to come home.
“I want to talk to you about something.” As soon as the words leave my mouth, more cheers go up, drowning out the last few words of my sentence. “But why don’t we head back to the cabin?”
Damon nods.
I watch as he signals the bartender, pays his bill, and puts his sports coat on first, then slides his arm into his peacoat. His right arm gets stuck, so I hold it open for him. Over his shoulder, Vox sends me a conspiratorial wink, although I don’t understand what it means.
Shrugging into my ski jacket, I follow Damon out of the bar.
Once we’re outside, engulfed by the quiet, still night air, Damon encourages me to continue the conversation I’d started in the bar. “What’s on your mind?”
“I’ve been thinking a lot about our talk with Owen and Storm,” I start.
“I think I’d like to take you up on the offer to talk with that friend of Taylor’s boyfriend.
I mean, I know I have a long road ahead of me, but it’s time I get a plan together.
I don’t want to do ghost tours and bay charters for the rest of my life.
I want something permanent. Something I can create, build, and watch grow. ”
“That’s really good to hear, Li,” Damon says, making my chest swell with pride.
“It feels good,” I admit. “I think I’ve been waiting for someone to give me direction, but I’ve finally realized, direction comes from within.
I’ve spent a long time being mad about losing my mom, mad at dad for a lot of things, and most recently, mad at you…
And I just don’t want to be mad anymore.
I want to take control of my life. I’ve depended on you to keep me afloat for so long, and I need to take that responsibility on for myself. ”
“Liam, let me be very clear,” Damon cuts in. “You are not a burden. You are the best fucking thing in my life, and I’m just as dependent on you. We keep each other afloat.”
This makes me huff a humorless laugh. “Damn fine job I’ve been doing recently. You seem better than when we arrived for sure, but something is still weighing you down, and whatever it is, I haven’t done a good enough job at making you believe you can tell me.”
Next to me, Damon smiles. “Nah, man. I’m great. I’m just thankful to be out here with you. It’s just…it’s complicated, but it’s nothing you did or didn’t do, okay?”
“If you say so.”
The rest of the walk is silent except for Damon’s labored breathing.
Meltdown and our cabin are both mid-mountain, and not terribly far apart, but it’s still an uphill walk at seven thousand feet of elevation, which takes its toll.
Especially because Damon and I both live at sea level.
However, he sits behind a desk all day, and my job is physical, so I’m struggling slightly less.
“Maybe you should come to the gym with me tomorrow morning,” I tease.
“Yeah, probably wouldn’t hurt,” he answers.
As soon as we get inside the cabin, Damon takes off for his bedroom. “I’m just going to put my swimsuit on. I’ll meet you out there.”
Heading to my room, I do the same, but I’m faster than him because he’s meticulous in hanging his shit back up and replacing his watch on the little travel stand, and God knows what else.
I hook my phone up to the little speaker inside. The background music has been a nice touch. Setting it to my Mountain Vibes playlist, I remember to grab a towel this time and head out to the tub.
Damon joins me a few minutes later. His designer brand swim trunks are sitting low on his lean hips. Damon, Taylor, and their older brother Ashton all have no chest hair, and I take a second to appreciate the smoothness of his skin.
Between wanting to understand my best friend, learning the truth about my dad pursuing a relationship with a guy, and experiencing my first kiss with another man, all within the same time period, I think a little perusal is warranted.
Damon’s body is totally different from mine.
There is no happy trail like on my stomach, and although he’s lean, the outlines of his abs are present, but he’s missing the defined ridges of muscle like I have.
He has a freckle just above his left hipbone.
Funny. I’ve seen that freckle a million times without ever seeing it.
If I squint, it’s almost in the shape of a heart.
“Keep looking at me like that, and we’re going to have a problem,” Damon says, getting situated in the tub.
I laugh, happy that he’s able to lighten up a little.
“I’m sorry, is my openly checking you out a little too gay for you?”
Damon throws his head back in laughter, and I bathe in the sound.
“Asshole,” he says, splashing water at me.
“Ah, another part I’m not terribly familiar with, but I have questions,” I start.
“No,” he says immediately.
“What do you mean, no? I haven’t even asked anything,” I whine.
“We are not discussing assholes, anal, or anything else gay-sex related.”
“Excuse you! Hetero couples can have anal sex, fuck you very much. You don’t get to claim it as your own.”
“Well, good, it sounds like you’re already an expert, so there’s no need for questions.”
“I’ve never done it, but I imagine figuring out how to be the ass fucker can’t be that hard. No, I have questions about what you do as the ass fuckee.”
Damon is laughing even harder despite my being totally serious right now. Finally, he says. “Not talking about this.”
“Well, what’s the point in having a queer best friend if we can’t even talk about it?”
“Watch porn like the rest of us,” he deadpans.
Now, I’m laughing my ass off. “Yeah, because I’m sure that paints a realistic picture.” And then a thought occurs to me, and for some reason, I’m feeling a little shy about asking it, but it comes out anyway because fuck the secrets. “Have you ever actually, you know, like, been with a guy?”
Damon takes several long seconds to answer.
“I’ve done enough to know I like it,” he says cryptically.
“What does that even mean, bro?”
He rolls his eyes, but there’s no real annoyance behind it. He’s embarrassed.
“I had a few hookups in undergrad, but no actual fucking.”
My eyes grow wide. “Ohmygod! You’re a virgin? That is the cutest thing I’ve ever heard.”
Damon splashes me again. “You’re such a dick, you know that?”
“Yeah, but you love me.” His smile falters for the briefest of seconds. I probably would have missed it if I hadn’t been trying to read every expression that crossed his face over the last several days.
“Unfortunately,” he says, aiming for playful but missing the mark.
I choose to ignore it and get back on track.
“Okay, so…any boyfriends you’ve failed to mention?”
I’m getting all worked up thinking about him going on dates, holding someone’s hand, having his first kiss, and keeping it all from me.
I don’t realize I’m holding my breath while waiting for his answer until he says, “No,” and I exhale. “Just hookups. I’m basically still in the closet, you know?”
I’m not a fan of the thought of him dating a guy. Not because it’s a dude, but because it isn’t me. I know that’s totally selfish and fucked up, but if Damon starts dating a guy, I think it would feel like he’s replacing me, and I don’t like that at all.
He’d have a new man to shoot the shit with, solve problems with, do life with, and while yes, he can do all those things with a girlfriend, it isn’t the same. She would occupy her territory, and I’d occupy mine. We’d offer Damon different things.
But a guy?
That’s a direct threat to my place in Damon’s life.
“Hey, Li,” Damon says, his voice calling me back from this trippy rabbit hole. “Where’d you go?”
Somewhere I’ve never been before, I think to myself. Out loud, I say, “I’m still here. Will you ever come out to your family?”
He shrugs and pushes his hand against one of the jets in the tub to distract himself from this conversation as he offers an answer.
“I mean, eventually,” he says before elaborating.
“Being a twin is really cool most of the time, but it also carries a constant undercurrent of anxiety. People expect us to have the same haircut, the same laugh, the same IQ, drive the same car, have the same job…but I’m not Taylor, and I’ve spent a decent portion of my life trying to make that clear.
Tay’s always been so sure of himself and who he is.
He offers no apologies and lives with no regrets, and I’ve never been able to do that.
In fact, I think I could feel that from an early age, which is why I clung to you so hard.
I didn’t have to compete with you. I could just be Damon with you, not Taylor’s twin brother.
When I come out, I can’t help but feel like people are going to think I’m doing it just because Tay’s gay or something. ”
My answer is immediate, and my words come out harsher than necessary because I get angry when I see him hurting.
“So, what? You’re going to punish yourself by staying in the closet? D, who cares what other people think?”
I’m afraid maybe I’ve pushed too far on a subject I know nothing about because Damon just quietly nods his head for a while. I move to sit next to him and pull him into my chest for a hug because, fuck it, he needs a damn hug right now, and I breathe a sigh of relief when he hugs me back.
“No matter what, I’ve got you. You know that, right?” I ask, my face practically buried in his neck.
He says nothing, but I feel his body shudder with his sobs.
I hold him while he pulls himself together, praying he clings to me as long as he needs to.
It feels good to finally give back to him.
It’s as if now that I’ve made the decision to get my act together and become the man I want to be, I’ve removed the need for Damon to have to hold his shit together, as well as my own.
It seems taking that pressure away has allowed him to finally break.
“I love you, D.”
“Love you more,” he chokes out.
To be honest, I’m just not sure that’s possible.