Chapter 4
Chapter Four
JACQUELINE
“Are you alright?” He spoke the question against the back of my shoulder, his hot breath fanning over my skin. I arched against him, grinning when he groaned from the movement.
“I think I need a Gatorade or something,” I replied. A yawn took over the end of my sentence, but I didn’t let myself be embarrassed about it. I was exhausted, in the best possible way.
“If I order food for us, do you want to stay for a little longer?” he asked, before peppering my neck with kisses. I reached out and smacked around for my phone on his nightstand. It was only about nine-thirty at night.
“Yes, please.” I sighed as he pulled out of me.
* * *
“I see,” Mariam nodded at me once, her ringlet curls bouncing around her head with the movement. Her dark eyebrows raised a bit while she gave me a look that I was now very familiar with, “…Do you want to say it, or do you want me to?”
I groaned and covered my face with my hands, my fingertips digging into my hairline. It was an attempt to relieve the anxiety I had after filling in my therapist on the last panic attack I had at work. As well as the conversation with Leo that almost resulted in another one.
“I did the thing again,” I mumbled behind my hands. The “thing” in question was assuming negative intent, and being wrong about it. My brain operated like a Rolodex of past experiences whenever I found myself in a social setting I didn’t know how to navigate. I recalled how things played out in the past and attempted to navigate them accordingly.
The problem was a lot of my past experiences were traumatic. They involved toxic dynamics that required more guessing games on my part than they should have. Thus, I didn’t always handle situations with grace.
“You sure did,” Mariam’s soothing voice was encouraging, and I thought I detected a little hint of pride as well, “But the good news is, you know you did.”
“That…doesn’t make me feel better,” I kept my hands over my face. I was lying back against her couch in her office. It was one of those large, fluffy cloud-like couches. It wasn’t a lounge bed thing you saw in the movies, but it was a spacious enough couch that I could easily sink into it as if I were lying down. I had my weighted blanket on my legs, knowing I’d need it to get her up to speed in today’s session.
“That’s also good,” Mariam nodded, “Because that means you can take the opportunity to look inward and explore ways to make it right.”
I lowered my hands, “How do I make it right?”
“How do you think you need to make it right?” Mariam asked. I frowned, and she smiled.
“I…don’t know what you want me to say,” I muttered. She knew I didn’t respond well to open-ended questions. Questions designed to lead me to the right answer. Questions that felt like a trap. I usually took questions and words at face value.
Leading me to the “right” answer is what my ex used to do. It took me years to understand what was happening. It took me years to learn that no matter how hard he tried, my brain wouldn’t work the way he wanted it to. I was always responsible for solving his riddles, while he was never responsible for simply being honest with me. If I guessed wrong, or answered his question in a way he didn’t like, that was also my fault for ruining his day.
“I don’t have a specific thing I want you to say, Jacqueline. This is me just asking you a question. If you were to look back on those conversations with Brandon and Nicole and again with Leo, what would you take away from them?” Mariam leaned back and took a sip of her tea, adjusting her seat in her bean bag chair to the side of her desk. She stayed silent after that, giving me the time to think through her words.
“…That I overreacted,” I murmured, “That, I assumed the worst in the moment when my body was feeling anxious. After calming down, I can see that I may have just been feeling threatened. That…I don’t know, maybe their words weren’t that deep.”
Mariam nodded, setting her mug down on her desk while she gave me a reassuring smile, “Rewiring our brains, especially after leaving long-term problematic relationships, will always be a hard thing to do. The fact that you were able to recall those interactions, and step back to see what was really going on, is already a huge improvement. You could just dig your heels in, determined to prove that your coworkers were maliciously attacking you. But you know that’s not what was happening, right?”
“Right,” I sighed, my shoulders slumped because I didn’t exactly feel lighter during this conversation, “I was the problem both times.”
“You’re not a problem, Jacqueline,” Mariam reminded me, “You’re a human who is learning and willing to learn. You’re allowed to make mistakes. Now, how have things been at work since those two discussions?”
I winced, “Awkward.”
“Why?” Mariam pulled out her iPad and started jotting down notes. Or doodling. I had no idea what she did on that thing during our sessions. She could be playing games for all I knew.
“Because…” I inhaled a deep breath to get it out, “I feel like everyone’s walking on eggshells around me now. It’s been a week since Leo apologized to me and I was rude back to him. Usually, if I reprimand him for being inappropriate in the office, he bounces back and still smiles all the time and tries to joke around with me. But it’s almost like…I don’t know, he’s been avoiding me.”
Mariam nodded, giving me a thoughtful expression while she let me marinate in that for a few moments. Finally, she spoke up again.
“My job is an interesting one,” Mariam started, “Usually, I have a client in here and they tell me these stories of how everyone else around them is the problem. Everyone else around them is rude, inconsiderate, or problematic. It takes a lot of work for someone in my position to find the truth. The reality is, that there are always two sides to every story. No matter what. My clients aren’t always the most reliable narrators, because our brains instinctively try to protect ourselves from the part of us that feels shame, embarrassment, whatever else,” Mariam waved her hand in the air at the end of that sentence, before settling in and focusing back on me, “What makes you one of my favorite clients is,” my lips twitched with humor at her words, “that you’re in here, recalling conversations you had at work, and you’re doing so in a way that makes me think you are more self-aware than you give yourself credit for. You’re not afraid to admit when you’re wrong.”
I frowned, “I didn’t think I was wrong in the moment, though.”
“Fight, flight, or freeze are all normal responses, Jacqueline,” Mariam shrugged as she pushed her purple glasses up her nose, “You just happened to cycle through all three. You fought in the moment, during the conversation. Attempting to protect yourself by pointing an accusing finger at someone like Leo. But when you realized you misjudged the conversation, you froze and stayed away. Now, enough time has passed that I’d argue you’re engaging with flight through avoidance.”
I blinked at her, “I…I am?”
Mariam held back a giggle of some kind while she nodded her head at me, “Since I’ve started seeing you, you’re quicker to apologize. Admit fault and responsibility for a tense situation. Willing to go out of your way to improve…but you haven’t done that with Leo. Why?”
I frowned, “It’s weird with Leo.”
“Because you slept together?”
“Obviously.”
“Ah,” Mariam nodded, “So because you two slept together before he started working at your company, he doesn’t deserve an apology from you when you assumed the worst in him?”
I widened my eyes but kept my frown in place, “I didn’t assume the worst in him.”
Mariam gave me a look, before lifting her iPad and scrolling a bit. When she reached the part of her screen she wanted, she cleared her throat and said, “Leo asked something along the lines of ‘why would I want to embarrass you’ and you responded with ‘why does a man ever want to embarrass a woman’ and then he walked out, angrily.”
I nodded, “Yeah, that’s right.”
Mariam sighed, “If I was Leo, and I was apologizing to you for accidentally referring to our hook-up in the office, and you implied that I was lumped in with the kind of men who get off on belittling women, I would be very offended by that question.”
My frown loosened, guilt filling my stomach, “You would?”
“Yes,” Mariam set her iPad back on her lap, “Let me ask you this. Do you want to change the environment you’re feeling at work right now? The feeling that you’re being avoided or that people are walking on eggshells around you?”
I nodded, “Yes. I want things to go back to normal—well, relatively normal. I don’t think I need to be best friends with Leo or anything.”
“That’s fair,” Mariam lifted a shoulder, “You don’t need to be best friends with someone for them to deserve an apology, though.”
My eyes started to water, my nose started to burn and my throat constricted as if it was closing up. A large rock formed at the base of it, making it feel like I was about to start suffocating. I closed my eyes and focused on calming my body, just like Mariam had instructed me to do many times before.
She stayed quiet, giving me space to calm my anxious heart. The lump in my throat slowly started to shrink, and the burning in my nose was starting to simmer, able to be sniffed away. A tear escaped one of my eyes, and I wiped it off with my fingers.
Finally, I took another deep breath and asked, “How would you suggest is the best way for me to apologize to him?”
* * *
The next day I found myself standing outside of Leo Turner’s office. I was wearing my work jeans, my canvas sneakers, and a cream button-up shirt that was a size too big for me. It was looser, and comfier this way. I needed my comfiest work clothes to prepare for this. I even wore my hair half up and half down, in an attempt to look more friendly. Non-threatening. Less like the uptight Human Resources representative that everyone saw me as.
The morning started off unusual, which didn’t help my nerves. I felt safe with routines and predictability. So when I entered the office to loud music playing on the overhead speakers and Leo Turner dancing on top of a clump of desks, needless to say, my morning routine was disrupted.
Employees from all departments of the office gathered around, laughing, cheering, and holding up their cell phones to record the CTO of Sun Steer as he twerked and sang along with the song.
It was “Club Can’t Handle Me” by Flo Rida and David Guetta .
I was pretty sure this was on my work playlist.
His dancing was…awful. Not good at all.
He was awkward and lanky and downright uncomfortable to watch.
But he was smiling, ear to ear. Mouthing the lyrics I was vaguely familiar with but couldn’t quite focus on because there was too much happening around me.
I stood next to Signe, who was laughing so hard at the performance that she was crying. She was wiping tears from both eyes when she laughed, “Good morning,” to me. Everyone else was having fun.
There was so much positive energy in the space.
And I hated that I didn’t know how to react to it.
A nervous smile took over my face, torn between watching Leo swing his hips in a way that was probably meant to look seductive, but just reminded me of awkward preteens from the one middle school dance Marco made me attend with him.
The old pop song eventually ended, and Leo concluded his performance by slumping over and supporting his weight on his knees as he gathered his breath.
Cheers erupted throughout the office, and even though I winced from the unexpected sound, I found myself raising my hands to join in with the applause.
And that’s when Leo looked up from his crouch and made accidental eye contact with me.
It felt accidental because I saw a small pinch in his brow form before he looked away from me.
“Oh no, look away!” Mary was suddenly standing directly in front of me, lifting her arms up in an attempt to conceal Leo from my view, “Nothing untoward or unprofessional is happening over here!”
Mary was smiling, and obvious humor filled her tone, but I still felt my own half-smile flatten at her words.
You’re the office buzz-kill.
No one wants you here.
I gave her a grin that probably looked more like a grimace before shouldering my purse and turning away from the crowd, heading toward my office. A nervous and embarrassing pressure started to expand in my chest. I knew about the bet Leo made with the engineers. I knew about him dancing and embarrassing himself for the sake of office morale. Perhaps that was why Mary’s words felt like an attack.
“Wait!” Mary’s voice made me pause and turn back toward her, allowing her to catch up with me, “I’m just kidding, Jacqueline.” Mary looped her arm through mine, and I squeezed her limb against my ribs without a second thought as we continued towards my office arm in arm, “What did you think of his moves?”
I snickered, still wounded from Mary’s teasing but feeling a little better knowing she confirmed that that’s all it was, “I think he needs some more practice.”
“You’re not wrong,” Mary halted, pulling her arm out of mine and jogging toward her girlfriend, who had just arrived, “Babe! You missed it!”
“Aw, man!” Jamie slumped her shoulders and pouted before Mary wrapped her up in her arms.
I let the two employees have their moment before everyone else got settled into their workday and did my best to settle in my own office for the time being. I opened my laptop, knowing exactly what my to-do list had on it and what my schedule was going to look like. And yet, I couldn’t stop thinking about my conversation with Mariam the day before.
So after going back and forth with myself for a few hours, I grumbled and stormed out into the upper management wing.
I marched with determination before I knocked on Leo’s office door, my heart jumping up in my throat when I heard his very British, “Come on in,” on the other side.
Deep breaths, Jacqueline .
I let myself in, keeping my gaze on the ground until I was able to close the door behind me. I leaned back against the wood, crossing my arms over my chest, and finally forced myself to look at him.
Leo sat at his desk, braced on his elbows. He looked surprised, but he quickly masked his expression into a neutral, almost bored one before turning toward his monitor.
“How can I help you, Ms. Williams?” Leo sat back in his chair and set his hand on his mouse, clicking on something without meeting my eyes.
“I…” I blew out a puff of air and tried again, “I need to apologize to you.”
Leo stiffened. He flicked his blue eyes to me for a moment before glancing back at his screen, “No need.”
“Yes, there is a need,” I decided to lean into being a chicken and dropped my eyes to the carpeted floor instead. Eye contact when I was anxious, was nearly impossible for me to maintain, “I offended you last time we spoke.”
“…I’m pretty sure I offended you,” Leo countered.
“You did,” I nodded, “I thought you were messing with me. I thought that you were reminding me of…” I copied Mariam’s waving hand movement to the side of me, before dropping my arm, “You know. How we met.”
Leo was silent, but I still didn’t look up at him. I was anxious, I thought my heart was going to race out of my chest. I might even throw up.
“I wouldn’t want to do that, Jacqueline,” Leo’s voice was lower, softer. I nodded once, an attempt to validate him.
“I know,” I sighed, “I didn’t know in the moment, obviously. I assumed you were out to get me. But I thought about it after the fact, and I can see that I was overreacting.” I glanced up at him, sitting still at his desk with his hand lingering on the mouse. His other arm rested on the table as he studied me, “When I asked you ‘why does a man ever try to humiliate a woman’ I implied that you were the kind of man who enjoyed humiliating women...I shouldn’t have done that. That wasn’t fair of me, at all.”
My lip trembled. I hated the fact that I was an anxious crier, and bit my lip to keep the tears in. I didn’t want to cry through my apology, I didn’t want to come off as someone who manipulated forgiveness from others. I either deserved forgiveness, or I didn’t.
“When I asked that,” I continued, “I was trying to explain why I was suspicious of your comment. My perspective as a woman in the office. I didn’t see in the moment how accusatory those words are in that context. But I know now. I don’t want you to think that I think that…I know you’re not like that, Leo. I was just being unfair to you.”
I finally dropped my gaze again, right when I heard the creak of Leo’s office chair indicating that he adjusted his seat, “Thank you…we’re good.”
I looked up at him, wiping my clammy palms on the thighs of my jeans, “You don’t have to forgive me so easily. I…didn’t exactly forgive you as easily.”
“I know,” Leo lifted a shoulder, “But I understand your perspective now, which makes the words you said sting a little less.” I winced as he scooted back from his desk and stood, tapping something on his keyboard to lock his computer screen, and pulled his phone out of his pocket, “Wanna go get some lunch?”
I flinched, “Are you asking me out?”
I couldn’t believe this.
It was so inappropriate; I was literally the entirety of the Human Resources department.
Leo halted, both of his dark eyebrows raised, “No…Mary and I were going to try this new burger place down the road…I was wondering if you wanted to join us…”
My cheeks burned with embarrassment, my veins feeling a little cold from the fact that I once again assumed things, not even seconds after apologizing for assuming things, “I’m sorry, I just…no, I brought my lunch today.”
Leo shrugged, “Maybe next time.” He shoved his phone in his back pocket and snagged his keys off of his desk before approaching me, “I know how we met makes this a little…odd.” His eyes met mine then, and I was immediately taken back to that night.
How kind and confident he looked sitting next to me at the bar.
How he knew that I was trying to go home with him immediately.
I remembered it all as if it was yesterday.
“It’s so weird,” I admitted on an exhale, “I hate it.”
Leo quirked his lips to the side, his brows lowering over his handsome face, but he didn’t look super offended, so I didn’t apologize for my choice of words. Because I did hate it, I wished I could move past it. I wished he was just some other employee who hadn’t seen me naked and vulnerable, making obscene noises.
He was currently the only person on Earth who knew both what I looked and sounded like when I came, and I had to work with him every day.
“I wouldn’t have taken the job if I didn’t think it was the best choice for me. I…I didn’t accept the position just to fuck with you.” Leo spoke, pulling me from my thoughts.
I nodded and frowned, “Language.”
“Shit, you’re right,” Leo sighed.
“Leo,” I warned.
“Sorry, sorry,” Leo smirked a bit, and I noticed myself focusing on that expression a little more than I should have. How I felt a bit of relief from seeing him in a better mood, “If you’ll excuse me.”
I gave him a confused look, before his gaze flicked over my shoulder toward the door I was still standing in front of.
“Oh,” I jumped and opened the door, no longer trapping us in his office as we stepped through the threshold, “My bad.”
Leo chuckled, “Have a good day, Jacqueline.” before he strutted down the hallway toward the elevators. I stood there outside of his office, blinking at his retreating form, wondering how that went so smoothly. How laid back he was. All it took was for me to explain my side of things and apologize for being a dick to him in the workplace, and we were good.
Was it…really that easy?
Apologizing to my ex was always my gut instinct, but I prepared for about twenty-four to forty-eight hours of silent treatment regardless. Once my ex figured that I had suffered in silence enough, it was like a switch was flipped. Like I never offended him in the first place. We never spoke about the incident again, until I offended him again.
Then of course he’d throw my past grievances back in my face.
Standing there in the hallway, watching Leo glance over his shoulder to see me right where he had left me, I realized I was waiting for that kind of silent treatment.
It wasn’t until Leo smirked and saluted two fingers from his forehead at me, and then turned the corner out of sight, that I realized I wasn’t going to get his silent treatment.
Leo was genuine, and if he said we were good, I believed him.
It was unsettling.
It was also a relief, even though I still felt physically exhausted after getting through that apology. Instead of returning to my office, I walked towards the sensory room.
Why was I expecting Leo to react to me as if we were partners? As if we were romantically involved? We slept together once, but that was months ago.
That may be enough for my body to make the connection. I still struggled with working with him every day without constantly remembering how he looked that night. How much fun we had together. How the night was perfect, exactly what I had hoped for.
How I sure as hell didn’t plan on him coming into the office the very next morning for his interview with Signe and me.