Chapter 5
Chapter Five
JACQUELINE
He groans, loud and unashamed, and I realize at that moment that Leo is the noisiest sexual partner I have ever had.
I’m obsessed with his noises.
It’s an obvious cue that he’s also enjoying himself, and I want to see how loud I can make him before we part ways. Before we never see each other again.
“You don’t have to—” he pants, looking down at me through hooded eyes as he runs his fingers through his sweaty hair.
His words get cut off as soon as my lips wrap around him.
* * *
After hearing laughter and loud chatter coming from Leo’s office, I released a frustrated groan as I ripped out my earbuds and stood from my desk. The man was incapable of conversing in a low volume. I didn’t mind noise if it was a noise I had prepared for and wanted to seek out. Like my music, or if I attended a bar that I knew would be filled with music and loud voices.
For some reason, hearing Leo’s voice echo throughout the management wing where all the single offices were set up, irritated me more and more each day. At first, I thought it was because I could remember his voice from that night. The night we met, hours before he came to interview for the first time at Sun Steer.
His voice drew you in, and I knew firsthand how easy it was to fall under his spell.
Leo Turner was excellent one-night stand material.
Which made working with him every day so, so uncomfortable. I wasn’t sure I’d ever be truly over it.
One thing at a time, though.
I marched across my office and pulled my door open, hearing his laugh boom once more before music started to play from his office across the way.
Seriously? I thought to myself.
I marched up to his open door, surprised to see Brandon and Nicole standing just inside the threshold.
Well, crap .
If the CEO and CFO were part of this, I was probably the one overreacting.
Again.
I froze, stuck between wanting to tell Leo to quiet down, while also still raw from feeling like three members of upper management implied that I was overworked and run down from my job within a week.
I was nervous, I didn’t want to make them think I was incapable or that I couldn’t do my job with distractions around me. Anyone would be able to work with coworkers laughing and playing music in their office, right? I was just sensitive.
You’re too sensitive.
You need therapy, Jackie.
Two things I already knew about myself, but my ex’s voice still rang loud and clear in my mind. I frowned, getting ready to turn on my heel and hide in my office the rest of the day when Mary’s voice echoed from the space.
I hesitated, curiosity getting the best of me, because she was singing.
In Leo’s office.
I turned back around to face the backs of Brandon and Nicole when I realized the song that Mary was singing along to was Blink-182’s “Feeling This.”
Nicole noticed me behind her. She leaned over to whisper to me, “They’re testing out the product team’s newest feature. Mary is merging it now, so we’re waiting to see if it worked.”
I nodded as if that was the part I was curious about before peeking in between their bodies to see inside the room.
Mary and Leo were sitting in the two chairs in front of his desk, heads bobbing to the energetic music as Mary sang the first verse and plucked away on her laptop. Signe had her phone out, recording the two while Zaid sat on the leather couch of the office, grinning from ear to ear with a computer on his lap.
Leo was also singing, but he had the easier part of the song. His phone was in his hands and his eyes were glued to the small screen. He only seemed to chime in to say, “I’m feeling this!” while Mary sang the gist of it.
The cousins were smiling, and acting goofy, and everyone else in the room was encouraging it. Everyone was having a good time while Mary and Leo performed their own rendition of the song, nodding along with the tune.
While also…working?
Suddenly, Mary stopped typing and crossed both of her fingers.
Zaid crossed his fingers too.
Leo’s brow scrunched as he harmonized with his cousin.
Then the chorus hit, and my skin broke out into goosebumps.
This happened to me on occasion. I never spent the time to figure out why this phenomenon happened to me, or what triggered it. But for some inexplicable reason, hearing Mary and Leo harmonize while singing the chorus of, “Feeling This” something felt scratched in my ears. My brain too. Leo’s deeper voice took the lead for the chorus, while Mary’s alto filled in for the round.
I forgot all of my duties. I just stood there, pleasantly surprised at how much I enjoyed hearing Leo’s voice sing like this, even if he wasn’t particularly skilled.
A new auditory stim of mine was born that day, hearing Leo’s voice layer with the original vocals of Blink-182 .
Mariam was the one who informed me what stimming was. A repetitive action that my body relied on to regulate my nervous system. It was a behavior commonly found in neurodivergent individuals, and when I pointed out to her that I had not sought out any formal medical diagnosis saying I was, she reminded me that just because a doctor didn’t write anything down on a piece of paper, didn’t mean that I wasn’t neurodivergent.
It wasn’t like the symptoms of neurodivergent behaviors would wait to appear until a licensed professional permitted them to do so.
That being said, I still had no desire to seek out a medical diagnosis. Was I autistic? Was I ADHD? OCD? Or did I struggle with some type of generalized anxiety disorder? Did hypotheticals like this matter, when I had made it this far in my life without those formal labels?
That’s what I told myself most of the time, anyway.
All I knew was that I needed to rely on a specific set of coping mechanisms to make it through situations that neurotypical people wouldn’t necessarily struggle with as much.
Stimming was one of them.
It could look different. Sometimes it was tapping my foot, sometimes it was humming or swaying in my chair from side to side.
Sometimes it was listening to a song on repeat, back-to-back, because every time I heard the music in its entirety, I felt a rush of serotonin or even dopamine that I couldn’t get from anything else.
And I knew at that moment, watching Leo and Mary goof off in his office, eyes focused on their screens, harmonizing the chorus to “Feeling This”, that I was hooked.
Especially when the song neared its conclusion after Mary and Leo had made some hilarious impromptu dance moves in their seats when they sang the chorus again and again, and every time those same chills raced down my spine.
It wasn’t like Mary and Leo had spectacular singing voices, but you didn’t need to have one to sing with this song. It still soothed something in my ears and mind in a way I couldn’t possibly explain. I didn’t want the moment to end, watching the two of them perform this random song for our coworkers while they worked together.
Zaid sat forward in his seat, both of his hands gripping his laptop as his eyebrows rose above his glasses.
Eventually, though, the song did end.
“It works!” Mary stood from her chair and held her laptop in her hands, eyes wide as she hopped on the balls of her feet. Zaid tossed his laptop on the coffee table in front of him and leaned back in his seat, removing his glasses to rub at his eyes with a grin on his face.
Leo joined his cousin, standing and wrapping an arm around her neck as they both bounced in celebration. His grin took over the entirety of his face.
Everyone chuckled at the antics as Leo turned his phone out for Brandon and Nicole to see. It was some sort of code I had no chance of interpreting myself, but Nicole gave the room a thumbs up, and Brandon laughed and clapped his hands together.
And then everyone in the office clapped, including some employees who were standing behind me. I jumped when I heard their sudden applause, realizing I wasn’t the only one standing outside the office watching it all happen.
Leo and Mary didn’t either, because they looked past the CEO and CFO to see where the additional applause came from, and that’s when Leo’s icy blue gaze locked on mine.
My breath caught in my throat, so I frowned and walked away.
Cheers continued without me as I left the scene. Congratulations were given for Mary and Leo’s performance and the new feature Zaid’s team had built.
As soon as I shut myself in my office again and took a seat at my desk, I pulled my phone out to type in the song.
And I listened to “Feeling This” for the rest of the day.
Trying, desperately trying, to gain that similar feeling I had watching Leo sing it.
I got close, but something was off.
It wasn’t until a couple of days later, enough time passing after hearing Leo sing it, that the song started to hit me again.
I had my earbuds in at all times, getting away with the occasional smile and wave to others in the office while I focused on reaching out to candidates to hire on my personal team.
While I focused on my work.
All with Blink 182’s “Feeling This” playing on repeat in my earbuds for the entirety of my workday. Obviously, I would take breaks, take meetings, and call potential interviewees or answer phone calls from coworkers, but I would itch until I could get my earbuds back in again.
Even when Signe, Mary, and Jamie all invited me out to lunch to eat with them, I felt like I was stiffly going through the proper social etiquette motions. To avoid coming off as a nonresponsive robot, I used listening to “Feeling This” again as motivation for checking off the “socialization” box that going out to lunch with the girls provided.
So when I left the office at the end of the week, waving goodbye to some newer employees who were also getting in their cars, I really set myself up for tremendous disappointment. I had been looking forward to turning up the volume in the car, cranking Blink-182’s vocals as loud as my speakers could handle, and being able to feel completely absorbed by the song without the feeling of anything in my ears to do so.
I had driven home like that the last few days and found no reason for me to not continue the pattern.
That is, until my car didn’t start.
I turned the key in the ignition, and nothing happened.
I tried again, holding my phone in my left hand, ready for it to automatically sync with the car’s Bluetooth before I realized no matter how many times I tried, my car wouldn’t start.
“Shit,” I grumbled, dropping my phone and removing the keys before trying again.
There was a clicking sound, but nothing happened.
I groaned, slamming back in my seat and grinding my teeth together, trying again.
And again.
And again, smacking my hand on the steering wheel and feeling like ants were crawling over my skin. Like I had an itch in my bones I could only scratch with sound in my ears.
I was just about to pull out my earbuds to get the song pumping in my veins before I considered troubleshooting what was going on with my stupid car, when I heard tapping on my window.
I jumped with a yelp as I looked over and saw Brandon, Zaid, and Leo all standing outside my car with varied expressions. Brandon looked concerned, backing away a step when I yelped. The pinch he already had between his blond brows deepened at my reaction. Zaid stood to the side, both of his hands in his pockets as he crouched to meet my eyes through the driver’s side window. Leo stood behind the two men, his arms crossed and his lips twitching as if he were fighting a smile.
“Is everything alright?” Zaid asked, his dark brows rising above his black-rimmed glasses.
I nodded before rolling down my window and replying, “Yeah, why?” I asked, flipping my phone over so it lay face down on my thigh. Why I felt like I needed to hide what I was listening to was beyond me.
“It looked like you were cussing out your vehicle,” Leo explained, nodding his head toward the front of my car, “Is it not starting?”
I felt a blush start to stain my cheeks as I frowned and tried again just for good measure.
Nope, still just that stupid clicking sound.
“Sounds like the battery, can you open the hood?” Brandon asked. It took me a moment to remember where the release was, but then he walked to the front of my car and propped the hood open to take a look. Leo joined him, and I grumbled, opening the car door and standing up while these two men started inspecting the damage.
“Do you have jumper cables?” Zaid asked, pulling his phone out of his pocket and smiling at whatever notification he received.
“I…don’t think so?” I walked around to my trunk just to double-check, but I couldn’t remember the last time I had needed a jump. My car was older, but it wasn’t a piece of garbage.
“When was the last time you changed the battery?” Leo asked. I rolled my eyes and silently mouthed his question with an ugly and dramatic facial expression, my tongue sticking out at the end in a gag before I glanced up and saw Zaid standing there with his hand over his mouth, his shoulders shaking as he looked away from me.
“I don’t remember,” I replied to Leo, covering my face with my hands. I couldn’t believe Zaid had just seen me act like an immature child because the new CTO asked me a simple, non-annoying question.
I was just annoyed because it was him .
And I was cranky because my stimming was interrupted.
“What’s going on?” Signe’s voice echoed across the pavement. I dropped my hands and smiled at my friend as she walked up to Zaid’s side to bump her round hip with his.
“Jacqueline’s car won’t start,” Zaid explained with a chuckle, wrapping an arm around her waist and pulling her close to him.
“Wow,” Signe’s hazel eyes widened as she turned to me with a smirk, “How many men does it take to start a car?”
I snorted.
“We were all talking when we saw Jacqueline start to hit her steering wheel,” Brandon spoke up, “But everything looks fine, does anyone have jumper cables?”
“I don’t,” Zaid shook his head, “My car doesn’t need them.”
“I rode my bike today.” Leo scratched the back of his head, a small frown turning his pink lips down as everyone gathered on the driver’s side of my car again.
“Actually, I think I might have some,” Brandon nodded to himself, before walking toward his car.
I studied my fingernails, refusing to look up at Leo who stood next to me. I leaned against the closed back seat door of my car, embarrassment flooding my cheeks because I mostly wanted the car to start so I could listen to my music again.
“We should probably go,” Signe spoke up after a silent moment, “You got this?” she asked, her voice indicating that she turned to the side. I glanced up to see Brandon returning with the cables.
“Yeah, this should do the trick,” Brandon waved goodbye to Zaid and Signe, and I thought I noticed a look flicker across his expression as he watched his old friend walk away. It almost looked…sad. It was hard to tell because he quickly composed himself and focused on attaching the cables to my battery.
“You’re lucky that I parked next to you today,” Brandon murmured as he walked over to his car and attached the cables there too.
I thought I heard Leo make a grunt after that comment, but I ignored him as I watched Brandon finish whatever he was doing.
Then, both men turned to look at me.
“…What now?” I asked, tapping my fingers on my folded arms.
Leo chuckled, making me turn around to see him brace one of his large hands on the top of my car, his head nodding to the open driver’s side door, “You start the car.”
I frowned and glanced at the large jumper cables connecting the two vehicles.
“…It won’t blow up?”
Leo snorted while Brandon fought a smile and explained, “Your battery has no juice. Starting the engine just means it’ll take some of mine to start yours. It won’t blow up.”
I shifted from foot to foot, knowing that my impatient urge to start listening to music again was making me anxious.
“…Do you want me to—”
“Yes please,” I interrupted Leo’s offer by stepping back and gesturing for him to take a seat. Leo nodded, a smirk on his face as he folded his large body into my driver’s seat.
“Damn, you have short legs.” He yanked the seat back just enough for him to fit with one of his legs stepping outside the car, his foot flat on the asphalt. I noticed that my phone was face down on the center console still, and I felt a little bit of relief that he couldn’t see my screen.
Then Leo turned the keys and started the car.
The sound of my little engine roaring to life made my shoulders sag with relief.
The sound of Blink-182’s “Feeling This” blasting from my speakers a second later, made me want to throw up.
I dove into the car to grab my phone.
I knocked it into the passenger seat, so I crawled after it.
Finally grabbing my phone in my hands, I tapped the screen and paused the song.
I sighed, hanging my head for a second before I noticed a pair of large warm hands on my waist.
I jolted, realizing that I was currently bent over Leo’s lap, still sitting in the driver’s seat of my car. I panicked again, trying to crawl back out of the car so I was no longer inappropriately draped across him, but his fingers flexed on my waist, holding me in place.
“Please don’t,” Leo groaned through gritted teeth. I looked over my shoulder and saw his eyes squeezed shut, his face twisted in a grimace, and a muscle popped in his cheek.
“What?” I asked, before noticing exactly where my knee was.
Right on top of his groin.
“Oh no!” I gasped, immediately adjusting my position so that no part of my leg was resting against him. This caused my feet to dangle out of the car uselessly, my weight supported by both of my hands and his. With his eyes still closed, Leo used his grip on me to slowly guide my body out.
“What just happened?” Brandon asked, his dark blonde brows pinched in confusion while I regained my footing. I ignored Brandon’s question and crouched over the driver’s side door to look at Leo, who released a large exhale. He was still hurting.
“Do you need…ice?” I asked, unsure how to handle a situation like this. I had never kneed a man in the groin before. I hadn’t even accidentally hit a man in the groin before. I had no idea what to do here.
Leo huffed out a small, unimpressed laugh, shaking his head, “Just give me a minute.”
“I’m so sorry,” I leaned forward to rest a hand on his leg, the one still hanging out of my car, “I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
“Oh…sorry, man.” Brandon looked uncomfortable after realizing exactly how I had hurt our coworker.
“It’s alright,” Leo sighed, “Heaven forbid we learn about Jacqueline’s taste in music.” He finally opened his eyes, and though they weren’t as light and humorous as they usually were, I found myself removing my hand from his leg and standing tall enough to cross my arms over my chest.
“I just didn’t want to blow out your eardrums,” I lied.
“I’d take your car to get checked out, maybe order a new battery,” Brandon added, completely changing the conversation as he pulled his vibrating cell phone out of his pocket. He frowned at it once before answering with a “Yeah?”
He glanced at the two of us, and I waved him off to let him know I didn’t need him to stick around.
I watched Brandon fold himself into his sports car, frowning at whoever he was listening to on his phone as he eventually drove out of the parking lot. I glanced back down at Leo, whose eyes were lowered and unfocused on some point on my lower body. I glanced down, my pencil skirt perfectly in place and not revealing anything inappropriate.
I snapped my fingers once in Leo’s line of sight, pulling him out of whatever distant thought he was in. After blinking a few times, he shook his head once and made his way to unfold himself from my driver’s seat. His movements were slow and careful, clearly still in some amount of pain but not enough to be immobile.
“I’m really sorry about hurting you, I promise it was an accident,” I sighed, stepping back so that he had room to stand. My car was still running next to us.
“I don’t know, it was very sudden and aggressive,” Leo shrugged, “You could have fooled me.”
“I just wanted to get my phone, I didn’t even realize what I did until after,” I added, rubbing one of my hands on my neck. It was a nervous tick of mine. I kept my palm flat on the base of my throat, over my collarbone. My fingers massaged the side of my neck and my thumb brushed against the dip at the hollow of my throat. I didn’t even realize I was doing it until I saw Leo’s pale blue eyes lock on where my hand landed.
And suddenly I was transported back into his hotel room.
“Can you—maybe—” I grabbed his hand and dragged it up, up, up. His rough palm scraped against my skin as his fingers brushed against the base of my neck. We locked eyes together as I kept his hand moving, his palm resting gently where I guided him. Right when his hand was where I wanted, I curled my fingers around his to show him how much pressure I wanted him to apply on the sides.
“What’s your safe word, Jacqueline?” Leo’s voice was raspy, his eyes hooded and his cheeks flushed as I removed my hand from his.
“Glacier.” I breathed out.
“Do you want to use it?” Leo asked, his thumb brushing against my skin in gentle swipes.
“No.” I shook my head to emphasize my seriousness.
“Just don’t forget that you can,” Leo groaned, pulling his hips back and slamming into me.
“Jacqueline?” Leo’s voice pulled me out of my memory, and even though my skin was already warm, I felt my cheeks redden under his stare even more.
Did he also remember those kinds of details?
Was that kind of night a normal occurrence for him?
“Sorry, what?” I asked, dropping my hand and hugging myself.
“Did you like our performance that much?” Leo asked, a dark eyebrow raised in challenge.
I glared at him, “No.”
“Are you positive?” Leo asked, tilting his head as he crossed his arms, his regular playfulness was slowly coming back, “Because I find it interesting that you’re listening to the same song that I know you heard Mary and I sing earlier this week.”
“It’s a weird coincidence,” I ground out and threw myself into the driver’s seat of my car. I went to slam the door shut, but Leo’s large hand caught it before I could.
“Jacqueline,” Leo’s voice was almost taunting, but I thought I detected a hint of something else. Something soothing. Perhaps it was just his English accent. Perhaps I wanted to hear something else in that warm voice of his. Regardless, I found myself looking up at him. My hand on the handle of my door, his on the frame, holding it open.
I didn’t verbally reply to him, I just gave him my eyes.
He met my gaze, his grin softening with the rest of his facial features, “You know I’m just taking the piss with you, right?”
I ground my teeth together and nodded, but it was one stiff movement. I wasn’t willing to touch “taking the piss” with a ten-foot pole, because at least he didn’t curse at work.
“You know I’m not arrogant enough to think that our mediocre rendition of their song got you hooked on a band that’s been around for decades?” Leo lifted both of his eyebrows. Little did he know, that is quite literally what happened. Sure, I had heard the song before. I was familiar with the band’s hits. But the reality was that I didn’t know all the words to this specific song before I started hyper-fixating on it this week.
All because I heard him, specifically, sing it in his office.
Why did my brain do this to me? I couldn’t say.
“I don’t know,” I inhaled a deep breath before giving him a smile I didn’t recognize. It was a smile I wasn’t familiar with; one I hadn’t made often at all. It was as close to a shit-eating grin as I could muster, “I know how cocky you can be when you think you’ve earned it.”
I gave his body a long, lingering perusal as I delivered that statement. When I finished dragging my eyes up his form, meeting his gaze, I got to see his clear eyes widen a fraction. I got to see his smirk relax into a surprised, parted lip something that made me feel like I had finally won an interaction between the two of us. I took half a second to scan his features, ensuring that no anger or embarrassment was coming off of him.
Instead, all I could see from him was stunned silence.
And it was the power I felt, catching this flirty man off-guard with a very thinly veiled innuendo, that made me bite my lip and pull the door shut. Leo stood there, having removed his hand so that his fingers didn’t get caught, as I tapped on my phone to resume the song. I was mouthing along with the chorus, the part that Leo’s voice harmonized beautifully with, as I waved my fingers goodbye to him and drove out of my parking spot.
I glanced in my rearview mirror, shimmying in my seat with giddiness when I saw Leo standing exactly where I left him, his head tilted towards me before he shook it once and started walking to his motorcycle.
I gave him a glimpse of who I was with him that night, so many months ago.
Before he started working here, and I had to introduce him to Work Jacqueline.
The person who allowed him to pull orgasm after orgasm, almost effortlessly. The person that was sore in the most delicious way the next morning, before he walked into the office.
I hoped that it wouldn’t come back to bite me in the ass.